Should I continue praying for the man I love to marry me or should I move on?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I wanted to marry a man from a different background and school of thought to my own; due to his past and cultural differences my family rejected him. We were initially mutually in love with each other and had decided to marry one another but he decided to stop all contact as he realised it was haram and decided it was for the best to do things in a halal manner once my family came round.
My father was completly against the marriage and the man I wanted to marry was aware of that and as I continued pestering him in the hopes that he would once again talk to me openly as my love he began having doubts about our future.
When my father eventually came round he decided to do istikarah and informed me that he was no longer willing to marry me because of my father and small differences we had in the past. I spent a long time trying to change his mind but to no avail yet I continued attempting to contact him and kept promising never to talk to him again but I would miss him so much that once again I would go back to trying to change his mind to the point where he ignored me completly.
Recently I have realised that contacting him in this manner is wrong and also as he is extremely strong willed I dont think he would change his mind. Yet, I still love him deeply it hurts so much but I keep telling myself that 'verily Allah is with the patient ones'.
I'm in a bit of a limbo because on one hand I should accept his decision and move on but on the other I love him so and can't move on he's such a beautiful person mashallah. I find it really difficult to consider other men because I can't help but compare them, there is none like him and I can't love anyone else like I loved him. One of Allahs names is the giver of all. Allah is the absolute ruler, everything is in his control nothing happens unless he wills it and he is the controller of all affairs. It was Allah's decree that he decided against the continuation of our relationship and therefore by continuously asking Allah to give me this man in marriage.
I sometimes don't know whether I am right or wrong? Should I accept Allah's decree and move on and accept the past is over or should I pray for our marriage? Is it wrong to ask Allah to change someone's mind? Maybe he still loves me but because of his character he respected my family's happiness. He is a man of principle and told me to tell my dad that he would respect my dad wishes and that he wouldnt be with me. Yet when I told him my dad had agreed after that had occurred he still decided against our marriage.
I love him so very much and I honestly don't think I will ever find a man as intelligent, beautiful, passionate and exciting as him and I am genuinely confused as to what to do. I feel if I marry any other man I would always compare him and never be completly happy as I would always think of what life would have been like to be with the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Should I continue praying for him or move on?
Cloud14
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Dear 'Cloud14',
I will have to leave this one to be answered by someone else.
I do however, feel for you very much and will make a special dua for you tonight at Iftar inshaAllah.
Allah is The All Hearing and The All Knowing and He(swt) is also Al-Wadud - The Loving. He is The One Who instills love in our hearts for each other as He(swt) is the Controller of our hearts. Our Allah make our hearts steadfast upon your deen (as Rasool sws would pray).
I pray that Allah(swt) grants you with success in this life and the next and saves you from bad in this life and the next, that He(swt) grants you your hearts desires and makes them a source of blessings for you and that He(swt) makes you pleased with it, aameen!
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
These are very difficult scenarios, because on the one hand you need your own happiness and on the other your parents should give their blessings.
I personally feel you should try to convinve your father to marry him by whatever steps necessary.
It is extremely unfair on the person you decide to marry, to marry them when you have feelings for someone else.
Think about it, how would you feel if you married someone, but their mind and heart with was another woman?
It's the same here, please convince yoru father to marry this man because you'll be happy and neither of you will have your minds elsewhere if you do marry someone else.
MaashaAllah John,
Thats some compassionate advice you've offered here to the sister.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
sister i am in the same position as you are, i keep on praying to Allah to help us but everything seems to go the other way, when we are done from one obstacle another one appears, but in my case, at times even though i real love that person and real wish him to be my husband, i dont want him to feel i am a burden in his life so i dont want to interfer in his life, since some of his family members want him to marry a cousin, i dont want to be the cause of pain for him, and i know deep down i am the one who is suffering and hurting the most, so i cry many nights, and am real heartbroken, more than heartbroken. To this day i still pray to Allah to help us, because i real love that person, and i know i wont forget such a person, and i agree with John convince your father and inshAllah he will agree. And your guy is a good one since he know what he did was haram and wants it in a halal way, right now try and talk to your father about it and pray to Allah.
As for me even though am real hurting i just want him to truly decide whether he wants to go by his family wishes, or try for us, and convince them. And i know even if we cut contacts and he truly wants me he will come back and try again.
i will pray for you sister, just do as John told you, he gave you are real great advice and pray to Allah to help you both, pray for me as well
Salam, Hope your well. From the way you describe him this man sounds like a respectable person, and perhaps he has decided to move on because he does not feel that the two families are compatible and is therefore respecting your fathers wishes.
However I do find it a little strange that after all the effort you put into convincing your father, this man decided to end things? How does that make sense, surely if he loved you he should now feel happy that things are sorting themselves out and he now has your fathers blessings to marry you.
I probably sound quite harsh, but my advice would be to forget him! Move on and inshaAllah find someone thats worth fighting for. He knows that you love him and have fought to convince your family to accept him, he should appreciate that and be happy about it but instead he is ignoring you and I would find that quite disrespectful. Why is he doing istikhara after your father came round to the idea of you marrying him? Why did he not perform istikhara before he proposed. It all seems a bit fishy to me. Of course I could be completly wrong, but try to forget him. I know it will be hard but you will get over him with time. If it is meant to be he will come and find you himself, but don't chase after him that is the worst thing you could do, believe me!! Cut off all contact with him, If he does come back, tell him to speak to your parents, have families involved so that you know he is serious and genuine about marrying you.
Apologies if my advice has offended or hurt you. I hope Allah swt guides you to someone that will appreciate and love you in this world and help you to achieve the best in the hereafter, ameen.
It seems like he has made the decision to move on and is no longer interested in marrying you. I know you did not want to hear that. But your father has now agreed to the marriage, and this man has turned away. That tells me he has changed his mind.
of course, this could be mere speculation. But if he has changed his mind, dua isn't going to bring him around again.
There is no harm in praying that you marry him. However, it is possible that Allah SWT has already answered your prayers, but you are refusing to see the signs. The answer could be "no."
Again, I am specularting, but it sure sounds like that is the situation.
I know you must be heartbroken. We all go through it, and sometimes come out stronger in the end. You sound quite young. You have your life ahead of you. If this one got away, there will be others.
Oh Alhumdullilah. I am so genuinely touched by your responses and comments especially sister Z. May Allah bless us all and fill our lives with happiness, peace and tranquillity.
John my dad did eventually say that it was my decision and I could marry the man if I wanted but he also told me strongly opposed our marriage. It was after this that I was rejected by my love.
Like Sister Z said..
'Allah is The All Hearing and The All Knowing and He(swt) is also Al-Wadud - The Loving. He is The One Who instills love in our hearts for each other as He(swt) is the Controller of our hearts.'
Everything is in Allahs control our every thought, action and decision. Allah initially chose for us to love each other mutually and then he chose for him to reject me and so if I were to ask Allah the lord of the worlds, wouldn't he give me my love back? Would he make him want to be with me again or would that be going against his free will. They say duaas change decree, and the duaa of a fasting person is always accepted so wouldn't Allah the most merciful the most compassionate accept my duaa. The man I loved and wanted to marry said that in the future he would have more than one wife and I accepted his decision because of my love for him. I feel as though, if I wait and continue praying to Allah than one day even if it is five years down the line and he marries another woman, but one day if I were to get in touch with him and ask to be his wife, he may say yes...
I'm scared because they say who ever you marry you remain with them for eternity and I don't want to be in paradise with another man. If I didn't marry at all would I be able to be with him in paradise?
I love him so much.
Cloud14:
Allah SWT will not give you what you want just because you ask for it. He will give it to you if it is in accordance with His divine decree.
Why do you say you do not wish to be with another man? I know you love this man a lot, but how do you know you won't feel the same way about another man? Please, remember that you are 23 years old. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don't you think it is possible that God may bring another man in your life?
And I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this, but, why pray that you become his second wife down the road? If he loves you and wants to marry you, he will marry you now; why hope to be his sloppy second?
And you are wrong. Allah does not control our thoughts and actions. He controls circumstances. Your thoughts and actions are in your hands. He may have brought this man into your life, but it was your decision to pursue the relationship. It ended; it wasn't meant to be.
Sister, pining over someone who does not want you will only lead to more pain and heartbreak. It is not healthy. Ask Allah SWT to mend your broken heart, and swing it in a different direction, so you can open it to someone who truly wants to be with you.
Dear Cloud14,
Now that I am not so rushed off my feet as yesterday, I feel a responsibility to write to you again.
I do feel for you and pray that Allah fulfils your hearts desire and makes it a source of blessings for you. But at the same time, there is a great truth in what 'Precious Star' has said to you.
You may love this man and he may be very genuine and everything may seem quite perfect. But that does not mean that you will end up together as husband and wife. Sometimes, things do not work out the way we want and and we cannot find any reason to console ourselves because to us 'nothing apparent' has happened or you can see no logical reason in the world why it cannot happen - apart from this: that perhaps Allah(swt) wants differently for you.
Look at the situation around you. Try to assess it with a clear mind. Thats really not easy when your heart is so tied up with feelings and emotions, but try to be truthful to yourself otherwise you're only cheating yourself. If this man whom you love has rejected you even after your father has given his true consent, time has passed and still he has not decided to come back to you - then all the signs point towards this, that he has decided to move on. Dear Sister, Allah(swt) has blessed us with Wisdom - its at times like these that we have to make sure even more that we don't brush the wisdom under the carpet.
I know its difficult. You can't see anything beyond this man because as a 'potential husband', he is all you know. As painful as it is, there are millions of people who have shared the same pain as you. Those people have also survived to show that they can move on and have gone on to better things. I do not think it is sensible for you to wait around for a few years in the hope that he will come back to you. If you want to do anything, ask him one last time to satisfy yourself and take his answer as the last one.
If you need to let go, remember Allah is there for you to fall back on. Trust Him(swt). You may feel as though you are in a dark lonely place for sometime, but that feeling will move over and the sun will shine again inshaAllah. Atleast this way, you will be mentally/emotionally stronger to deal with whatever happens.
Don't waste your life. And it is precisely that: 'your life', as that man's life is 'his life' and he is looking out for himself.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister,
I want to tell you from my own experience and those around me, Muslim & Non Muslim, that most people have the ability to fall in love with many people in their life time. There was once a woman who have said that everytime she falls in love it feels like the first time. From this comment I assume that this man is your first love right? First love is usually the strongest. But lets look at the bigger picture:
A person's first love is most likely someone in their teenage years (if they have been dating at an early age) and most likely this relationship does not last due to many reasons (school problems, immaturity, etc.) but to the one who is in love this feels like a big thing. The think that this person is the one who they will spend the rest of their life with. When the break up occurs they are devastated and fall into a depressed state. They eventually move on and go to the next one whom they feel more compatible with. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. Soon they also fall in love with the that person.
Think about it. Those people who have gotten married after many failed break ups, don't you think that they were in love with their exs? But they knew from their experiences that they will fall inlove again. We as Muslims do not have that sort of experience so sometimes the first one we fall for is the one we expect to marry. *Muslims can not date under any circumstances I just wanted to give you an example from a non Muslim perspective.*
Rest assured you will fall inlove again. But it depends on your choice. If you choose to let him go and move on then you will move on. If you choose to let him go but still agonize over the break up wishing you were still with him, he is the one, etc. then it will be even more harder. Stop wondering if he is the one for you or if you will be with him in Paradise with him or not.
You have to understand that the man in Paradise, HE is the one for you. HE is the one written for you, he is your soulmate. If this man that you love isn't the one then he wont be with you there.
I always say to myself this "You will know the one you love when you are lying on your deathbed. Not before that moment." Because even if you marry him, there is always a chance of divorce since your ideas are different. Don't ever think that marriage is a seal to a relationship. Allah knows best.
-strawberryfields
Can i offer another viewpoint?? Maybe he has moved away from the idea of marrying you because he realises ur dad wouldnt be happy at all and that would put you and him and your parents under pressure? My exes parents didnt accept me. I thought i would wait forever til they gave in... However in time i now realise our marriage wouldnt be blessed by his parents and life would be difficult.therefore if he came to me now with parental approval id probably say no. Not because i dont love him, i do immensely. But because love isnt enuff with negativity from parents around. And trust me i feel SICK thinkin of him marrying another, it eats me up at tyms..i had the same qs as u- will we have each other if we both reach jannah?? N i dwell on that so much at tyms i feel helpless. But iv cOme to a conclusion, u hav to look out for urself, i mean he chose not to marry u, he will marry another, i no its hard but u will meet sumone inshaalah. This jannah qs, i mean who nos if we would stil want them in jannah, or if indeed they would want us. I wil giv u the same advice i tell myself, deal with one day at a tym n look out for number one n pray to achieve jannah along with a husband who is pious.
Thank you so much Aliya25 you have wrote something very wise. I hope this sister will listen to you and feel comfort knowing that you have went through this too and have overcome it. Let us all try our best to go to Jannah first before wondering if the one we love now will be there or not.
Assalam u alaikum,
Dear cloud14,
I understand what you are going through. He is a man of principles. But i can feel your love too. I will make Dua for you .May Allah(s.w.t) help you . Ameen
Masalaam
I don't think he is a man of principles it just sounds like he has changed his mind about marrying this sister!
Well, you seem to be right on that..
As-salamu-alaykum-wa-rahmatullahi-wa-barakatu
I'm 20 years old and yes you are right he was my first true love. I feel so sick and miserable especially at the prospect of letting go of him and letting go of that last ray of hope that is still alive within me. Initially when he rejected me, I physically couldn't stop crying, I cried and cried and cried till it hurt to cry and only then would I stop but after a while I would continue and this continued for days. I couldn't do anything but cry. I couldn't socialise or be happy and even now I don't feel like me. The only thing that snapped me out of it was the thought that it wasn't really over and every time I felt sad I would keep asking Allah to give him to me in marriage. I feel like this life isn't worth living and I only go through the minutes of the day just wishing it was all over. I would never do anything to harm myself because I fear Allah and fear for my soul.
Even if I consider another man for marriage, when he talks to me or says anything to me it hurts so much because I can't help but compare him. I feel as though I'm being disloyal to the man I loved even though I know I'm not now. I keep hearing his voice and the things he would say and it hurts. I know I have to let go and I will slowly inshallah, I will try but please pray that Allah makes it easy for me.
May Allah provide him with a wife who will give him abundent joy and happiness and fulfill his every permissible desire. Ameen.
May Allah bless you all and reward you all for your time and concern.
Thank you 🙂
U remind me so much of me. I am going thru exactly the same at the moment, tryin to move on, not knowing wat to pray for. After 5 long years. I feel so disloyal for considering another man!! Even tho its bcz of his parents we split.. But in tym inshaalah ur pain wil begin to heal. I dont think il ever forget him.. But i wil learn to push him to the bak of my head. And so will you. Lifes not for wasting hun. X
Lets try to race towards paradise and Allahs pleasure as surely to him 'we belong and to him we shall return'. May Allah bless you with happiness. Remember me in your duass as I will you my sister.
move on ............ move on and move on..................... life has to go on ................we cannot take time back and the moments we spent together with our loved ones ...........so keep that lovely moments with you for all life and move on ...............
tere qurbatoon kai lamhey gulaab jaisey
magar phoolun ki umrien mukhtasir hain ............
My heart aches. I feel like I'm plunging into the deep depths of despair, depression and sadness. Please pray Allah erases all love and memories of him from my heart and replaces it with happiness and joy. I'm so tired of hurting.
It has happened to me. I have been so hurt when my ex and I have broken up that I felt that nothing will make me feel better again. One day I woke up and decided that I couldn't live like this anymore and then I decided to move on for good. I feel as if you are going towards that direction and I hope you will overcome this painful time of your life. The pain is excruciating but trust me, after you get over him you will appreciate your life and the little things that make you happy. Once this feeling of heartbreak is gone you will look back at the good times you have had together and you will not cry or feel bad over it. Instead you will cherish and be filled with sweet nostalgia.
Trust me on this I speak of this from experience. You are not alone I will give dua for you. May you find peace and happiness, may Allah give you strength to overcome this dark moment of your life, may he erase the pain you have in your heart and replace it with greater joy, may he forgive your sins and grant you a place in Jannah to be with the man you are destined for. Ameen. I also wish this on everyone who is going through this horrible feeling. Time will heal you inshAllah, get closer to Allah to fill that emptiness inside you and inshAllah you will find the right one for you who will make you happier than he did. I know it seems impossible now but after feeling like this, the feeling of happiness seems to multiply.
Sister,
Please do not ignore these signs. They are sign from Allah(swt). This man has read Istikharah and has made the decision not to marry you as a result - you can't change this.
Maybe he will change his mind but I advise you to move on and open you heart to someone else. You seem like a beautiful woman yourself and also deserve great things in life - don't be blinded by love. If you choose to marry him, because he suddenly changes his mind, you may live to regret it as you ignored these signs. A man and circumstances can quickly change after marriage, and he may turn around and say he never wanted to marrry you. It may never work, even if you do end up getting married
How can I delete my post and all the responses? I need to move on and can't knowing my situation remains live on this site. I would be extremely grateful if you were able to remove this entire post.
We don't delete posts once they've been published. But since you've not used your real name, or anyone else's name, and no identifying details, I think there's no harm. No one would know who you are or recognize you from this post.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you for your response. I would really appreciate it if you could respect my wishes on this one. I want to completly get rid of everything and I know it may seem strange but please can you make an exception. To be totally honest, I'm a complete mess and you removing all this would mean alot to me.
Your sister in Islam
Cloud14,
We cannot delete the post. If we do this now, others will ask the same.
However we can close the post, so it won't receive any further comments. That way, you won't have to keep receiving email notifications of new comments and you wont have to be reminded of your post unless you open it yourself.
I'll run it past Br Wael.
SisterZ
Islamic Answers.com Editor
This site on the whole is extremely beneficial as it provides a service whereby people are able to get a free confidential service from an Islamic view point. As I was unable to express my concerns to my friends or family, I was extremely grateful for the level of support and genuine advise that was shared with me by the online community.
The words written above by myself though summarised my situation in brief are packed full of emotions and pain and though a persons memory may decay words remain untouched by time. To distance myself from the situation and to erase my past from my life I need your help.
One Hadeeth says, "If someone helps a Muslim by saying a few words in his favour, or takes a few steps to help him in any manner, Allah Ta'ala bestows on him seventy three blessings, one out of which will suffice him for his well-being in this life and in the Akhirah, while the remaining seventy-two will be reserved for exalting his rank and the status on the Day of Judgement". Besides these, there are several Ahadeeth on this subject quoted by the author of Kanzul Ummaal.
Please my sister, this has become a form of anxiety for me. Please respect my decision. May Allah bless you with understanding.
Sister Cloud, as you said, if someone helps a Muslim, Allah blesses him. The fact is that your post may help others. People come to this website seeking guidance, and quite often they find they guidance in questions and answers written by others. People have taken the time to offer their thoughts and advice, and I'm not going to waste their efforts by deleting this post and all the comments.
Presumably you knew when you submitted your question that it would be published on this website.
I will close the post so it receives no more comments.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
omen !!!!!!!! oh the sister got omens !!!!!!! ? sign its happening ??????? tell me saniya mirza fan 🙂 if u love some one and the same you get and your parents are agreed for your marriage and every thing is quite settled than immeditaely you says aah i need to do istikhara ???? and again omen ( sign ) comes here and say u no not not............ what will be your stance ??????????? I beleive so many of us never practice istakhara in our whole lives but once it come to getting marry every body says istakhara ???/ u been to some place and people dont like you so they have a very simple reason to refuse oh !!! the istakhara goes wrong 🙂 now do any one on earth please tell me that did some body ever perform this istkhara except marriage matter ???????? If there are some one than they can be counted on fingers :((
This post is now closed to further comments. Jazakum Allah khayr all of you for your input.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor