Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Committed zina, repent and wish to marry the same person

Dua woman at Sunset

Salaam Alaykum,

I am in a very bad predicament at the moment and this is something which I have struggled with for over a year. I was introduced to a potential spouse through a mutual friend and we clicked straight away and realised we definitely wished to get married.

However, we did an awful awful thing of zina. I know how disgusting and shameful such a sin is, we have repented and repented for our sins and tried to stay away from each other yet we have struggled so much.

We are of different nationalities and his mother discovered our shameful secret and refused to allow us to marry. She also refuses mainly on the fact that I am of a different nationality and culture to his family and she does not believe I will fit into the family and is also worried of what their family back home will say. She is very disappointed in her son for the sin we committed and refuses to meet me or get to know me and I really wish she would because then she would see that I am not a bad person, I have always strived to do well in my Deen, since committing such a sin I pray daily and repent. My friends and family see me as an honest and good, clean girl who has never done wrong in her life.

It destroys me that I stooped to such a low level after promising myself I would never engage in such a sin. However, I truly believe he and I can make things right and have a good Islamic future as committing such a foul act is against both of our characters.

His mother's near-abandonment of him since has caused him to lean on me for moral support and comfort through texting and phone calls. Which I know is very wrong but we feel so stuck. All we wish for is to get married and live a sincere, islamic lifestyle as we both have helped each other become better people and since this person has been in my life, I am more focused on my prayers, I wear islamic-friendly clothing, I read Quran and my hope in Allah is stronger now than ever.

Please, what should I do? I really really wish to marry him and make things right and have a strong islamic future, I truly believe this person was sent to me by Allah and we destroyed things for ourselves through our own selfish desires. Is there any way we can get married? Would it be possible to convince his mother without her disowning him? Am I being selfish for wishing to make things right and complete my Deen with this person?


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3 Responses »

  1. In Islam a man can marry without his parents permission, the marriage is still halal. So yes, you still can marry. It is of course commandable that your love does not want to displease his parents, but there are certainly limits. After all parents should seek their childrens happiness, not destroy theirs for their own satisfaction.
    It is high time that parents learn to accept their childrens choices, However, cultural prejudices and ways of thinking are very hard to overcome. The situation is very similar to scientific theories as the german Nobel-prize winner Max Planck put it: "A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing ist opponents and making them see the light, but rather ist opponents eventually die out and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it." With prejudices and ways of thinking it is the same. A new generation must go ahead and find ist own way. After all, is it not obvious that it is wrong to reject someone merely based on belonging to a certain nationality, culture or race?
    He can try to convince her by asking who she would feel if she was rejected merely because she belongs to the culture/nation she belongs. He could also tell her: "I love this girl with all my heart, I do not despise her for what she has done, for I know her repentance is sincere. Surely then God, who is more forgiving than me, does not despise her either. If God and I do not despise her, why do you?"
    Of course, all his efforts may be in vain. Question is then: does he have the balls to go forward and marry you against his mother? Does he have the bravery to go ahead, be among the ones showing the path to a new, better world in which people are not rejected for belonging to a certain nationality, culture or race? He must be aware that by marrying you, from the islamic point of view, guardianship over you passes on to him. And a guardians task is - to guard. This comes with great responsibility: it is then upon him to protect you - even against his own mother if she is being unjust. But then, being an adult means being able to accept responsibility for ones actions.

    "But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

  2. It could just be that Allah put this person in your life for the mere purpose of bringing you closer to your creater and there is someone more perfect for you. Sister you must take all of points/views into consideration. Is he someone who will encourage you to pray, fast, does he do these actions himself and if he does and in all ways makes you love your deen, created and the prophet then by all means marry him. There are however ways that you should go about this. The man needs to go to your parents and ask for your hand in MARRIAGE. All parties should be on the same page about this especially him and your father.

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