Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Could someone advise me regarding my daughter’s choice of boy for marriage?

 

proposal,couple

 

Salaam O Alaikum brothers and sisters,

My daughter is 20 years old and she is studying at full-time at university and works part-time.  My daughter and I have decided that it would be a good idea for me to look for a marriage partner for her. I am open minded person but also follow my religion and boundaries set by Islam. I have spoken to my family who are also helping me to find a good practising partner for my daughter. We sat down with my daughter as a family; who she feels comfortable with alone and not shy to find out; what type of partner she likes us to find for her?

I also told my daughter that, she can even do a checklist which would help us find her a good match or if she has someone in her mind that would be great too. This is where the trouble started as she said; she know someone at work that could be worth looking at. I told her it would be better if she show me that boy discreetly when I come to collect her from work. But, to my despair she introduced me to the boy while I was with my son thankfully. I said salaam; collected my daughter and walked away. I then spoke to my daughter and told her that I don’t think he is compatible to tell you the truth. He was very short and skinny whereas my daughter is very tall and healthy. It would look very odd, to which she laughed.

After a couple of days I arrived back home from work and found him standing outside my door. I felt very uncomfortable and replied to his salaam; then, he needed 5 minutes to chat with me and I agreed reluctantly. My son, who is 15 was present with me at home when I had to listen to what he had come round to say; he basically informed me that my daughter had told him that he was not a good match and he also mentioned about the height. May Allah forgive me; I was so angry and I was thinking Oh my God; my son who was 15 and way taller then him; is he blind?

I then asked him to leave your details and I will pass them to my brother who will contact him later on. I explained to him that my brothers are my daughter’s and mine wali (mahram) so, I think it’s better if he contacts them in future regarding marriage proposal. He then said that, he will marry my daughter and I will be his mother-in-law; I asked him to please leave. My son wanted to give him a good hiding as he was getting confrontational and making too much eye contact with me, which made me feel awkward and my son mad.

When my daughter came back from university;  I spoke to her with very harsh wrods and told her that she will not be marrying a small pixie who has no respect or morals. I really hurt and upset with my only duaghter for putting me through all this. Couple of days later; the guy came again to my door and demands an answer upsetting my son who told him that my mother said NO and don’t you dare raise your voice at my mother. He gave him his uncle’s address (my brother) to talk to him if he is so brave. Then, I spoke to my brother and told him what had happened and how this guy said that he doesen’t need my permission and he will go ahead with his family and marry my daughter.

To cut long story short; my brother had words with him and warned him not to approach me and told him that he will meet his family regarding his proposal for marriage. After we met them; we found out that we are two different families where, we are practising and trying to better ourselves in deen every day and they are not practising as this is not important to them. We also found out that; this guy has a sister and a female cousin who are around same age as my daughter. Both these girls have been grooming my daughter and telling her things like; she will have fun in their family and have been giving her a lot of attention. My daughter has no sister only one cousin and she is 14.

Now, my daughter is rude and arrogant with me and I ignore her this behaviour. She has stopped praying and my brothers have told her to mend her ways and become a better Muslimah. My brother says that they have groomed her that she belongs there but I don’t know how I didn’t see any signs. We feel as a family that we may have to accept this ugly proposal or they may do a nikkah behind our backs. In that case, my brother says that she will be in worst situation where she will be bullied by her in-laws.

My heart is so numb and I will never get over this if she marries in that family. I have told her that I will giver her my blessings but after that I want nothing to with them. I know myself that I will be moving somewhere far from her; to me she is already dead. At this time I hate her but really feel sorry for her as a mother who gave her birth. I am scared that she will ruin her future. Is there  anything I could do to make her see sense?

Also, my family says; she lacks self-esteem and confidence and that’s why she said YES to a weird family like that.

 

Lizajavaid.

 

 


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17 Responses »

  1. You are being quite superficial. If he's a good muslim, then height doesn't matter. Culture ≠ Religion.

  2. sister i feel for you i come from a small family and it is so important to like and then love the new people that your children or brothers sisters bring to the family, he was very disrespectful to you and your daughter should see this and not break her bond with you and her brother he will never respect him for the way he spoke to you.

  3. AsalaMualaikum....
    Different ppl wil have different opinions n that would probably drive u insane because u stil left not knowing what to do.. As muslims,our goal daily should be to do the right thing whetha we children or parents., im sure many of our mothers out there would agree with u n many of our children would disagree with u..
    You need to turn to alah swt, which you should of done first... We as humans are full of flaws, who can say what the next person must do.wil the person who dishes out advice which is not in alahs pathway stand for the reward or punishment of the consequences.. As parents, is our children ours, do we own them? They from us but they were never ours.. We al belong to alah.. We are gifts to each other and time is of the essence.Islam is the way of life.. There is an answer for everything. All the hardships and adversity we endure in life is tests.. I dont have an answer for u.but in marriage,according 2 islaam.when we have intention to get married we must read istikhara salah.. Alah wil put It in ur daughters heart what is the right thing to do.the guy also must read it.if it is what alah wants then He alone has the power to open the doors for them.parents only want what is best for their children,no parent wants their children to endure hardship.again I stres upon turning to alah.. Striving in islaam,being islamic or trying to be a good muslim is turning to the almighty first n always.. The despair that u as a mum r feeling, you need to make salah,read salahtut taubah.ask alah to forgive u for saying harsh words to his creation.. There is no excuse for the boys behaviour.but we canot acount 4 it.that is his sin n he must account 4 it.. We can only rectify our own mistakes.Remember you are not only a mum but a muslim as wel and we r all accountable 4 our actions.. Afta reading salahtu taubah,read salahtul haajat.. This is the salah when one is in difficulty.. N thereafter,u too read istikhara n ask alah to guide u in the direction of what is best for ur daughter,u wil see that alah wil put the peace in ur heart for what is rite... Lastly as parents n children, we must realise that everything we do must be for the pleasure of alah swt.and that our love must first and foremost be for alah swt and 2nd for the prophet s.a.w... Thereafta everyone else.. I make dua that alah makes it easy for al of us,inshalah.. Amien And that he grants you the answers you looking for.so many families are suffering with so many issues, n families are breaking up because of things like this.. Dont throw your children away.. When children make mistakes in life, as parents the only thing u can do is mk dua that what ever choices they make,alah grants them hidayat n makes it easy for them... Inshalah amien
    This is just my friendly opinion.. Take care.
    Asalamualaikum.

  4. "salaam i honestly give up"

    By Lizajavaid - author of post

  5. Assalamualaikum warahmatullah

    Another solution cud be that u speak to your daughter and say yes for the guy..but only on one condition

    the condition is that you do the engagement and for wedding promise your daughter for next year. If this is not a suitable person for your daughter she will see it and you can atleast break the engagement. If still is convinced after a year that its the best option for her then do the nikah inshAllah but atleast this will bide your daughter time and guy and guys family can reconsider their decision too.

    May Allah make things easy for you.......ameen

    • Assalamu alaykum,

      Engagement? Does this relationship exist in the Qur'an?

      Engagement - fine to decide a date. But then one year long or two year long or 6 months and in the mean time they know each other?

      If you read the Qur'an and the ahadeeth literature, Marriage is one the most quickest and easiest "amal" people could perform. Marriage was not given such a big hype by them nor performed with such "hardship" and " excessive spending" like today.

      Engagements and knowing each other in the course of time till marriage is not Islamic way Sister Rubaekhan.

      Salaam,
      Your brother.

      • Assalamualaikum brother

        i meant to say setting a date which u can call an engangement. During this period the guy can come a few times to the girls house and speak to the girl in mahrams presence and they can ask questions and get to know a bit more. plus it will give the girl more chance to know more about the guy's family. At the moment she blindly wants to marry him. Once she is given a chance atleast the decision of marrying him will be after a long thought. If she marries now and find the nasty truths later is a dangerous game especially when mother is not happy with the guys family anyway. Sometimes biding time is biggest solution to many problems and in the cases of marriages is a prevention of divorce.

  6. I think you are right to hold back from this marriage, not because of his height but because of his morals.

    If his lack of adab is a you say it is, then you should explain these issue to your daughter clearly, not bring up the issue of his height, which makes your argument look petty.

    He argued with you and told you he would marry your daughter without your consent basically, this shows his level of iman. I'm sorry but practicing men don't act like this. His arrogant behaviour shows how strongly he thinks he and his family have planted themselves in your daughters emotions.

    I wonder if there is money involved, if your two children would inherit anything that is of financial value to these people, that they would put ideas in her head about how much better life would be in their house etc etc.

    You should also raise the issue with your daughter of her seeing these people behind your back when he is a non mahram. How could they have had so much time together for the sister and cousin to put ideas in her head.

    Set out your points of turning down this relationship to your daughter. And ask her if she is willing to let you show her a few matches. Maybe when she sees that there are better people out there she will change her mind.

    • I personally believe that the Sister (lizajaved) has made several blunders and maybe a poor judge of charector. Your daughter has lost alot of respect for you since your initial refusal, and in your daughters eye, her partner has been brave to stand up for himself and attempt to open dialgue with you- so she respects him, in the process she has abandoned her beliefs and everything you stand for.

      "Grooming" is a very negative term but you cannot groom a 20 year old woman who wants to marry.

      Also I dont believe anyone has put "ideas into her head" with evil intentions. This is perfectly legitimate. Is it not possible that they showed her acceptance and love, and she has been looking forward to spending more time with them. It may also be possible that they welcomed her because of her Islamic upbringing, so its credit to you and may Allah be pleased with you. They have not turned your daughter against you before your comment about her partner being short, so you cant fault them their either. And to be honest sister, whilst reading your post, I was wandering what other cruel names you may have reffered to him by to your daughter.

      You should consider apologising first, and if his a decent man he will follow your lead.

  7. Darn...my hand hit the send button and I wasn't done! I guess I am now :0

    Stay strong sister and do not give up on your daughter. Let her know how much you love her and want the best for her. When I say that, I am not referring to this man's height...I am speaking to his character. It sounds like he is trying to bully you into giving your approval. Stand your ground.

    Salam

  8. Dear sister,

    I agree, character is key not a persons height. However, any man that comes to my door and thinks he can intimidate me and force an answer from me regarding my daughter will not only get a "no", he is done. He need not come back...ever. The mere fact that this young man is intimidating you and making you feel uncomfortable is not good at all.

    Your a much better person than I am as I would not give my blessing just because I feel pressured. Nope...isn't going to happen. Alhumdillilah, my daughter is 21 and would never go over my head to marry a man

  9. Sister,

    I want to say that if you do not like him because of height issues, then this is wrong. Calling him a "small pixie" is not okay for any Muslim to say to another. I say this because he has no control over his height & Allah is the only who made him that way. Please think, who are you insulting if you are calling him names for something he can't fix because it is beyond anyone's control to become taller, only Allah can make that happen.

    As for him sayin he will marry her without your permission, correct me if I am wrong but if the parent disagrees for unislamic reasons, then the boy & girl can go on with the marriage. However, you have not put a lot of of information about how religious he is, or why he is such a horrible person, instead you are focusing on his family. You seem to hate that he has a female cousin that she feels comfortable with, why is that?

    Sister forgive me if I upset you but this is no reason to hate your daughter, try to see what kind of person he is in the religious sense because it is not fair to push him away because you don't like his height, how would you feel if someone rejected your daughter because she is too tall? Look into the character of the person instead of things that are beyond his control, your daughter likes him a lot so give him a chance or atleast try to.

    I noticed that when a person doesn't like some, everything that they do & have seems to bug them even if in reality it isn't that bad. Do you think maybe this is the case here?

    Peace Be Upon You

  10. assalamu alaikum
    if this is what makes your daughter happy than you should stand by her, we are not Allah to judge and say who is right and who is wrong. At this moment in time, it is very important that you stick by her...as it is an important time in her life...we donot disown our children... But we pray that Allah guides them in the right direction. If the guy is a good man and if he will treat her right than let her marry him and if one day she feels that she wants a divorce, than let her knw that you will be there for her, as long as they are not breaking any of Allahs law then stand by her, you dont have to like evry decision she makes but at the end of the day shes the one who has to live with her decisions. Have faith and trust in Allah..U dont want to lose your daughter nw do u?

    • Masha Allah Sister Faiza, this is the kindness I was mentioning in my post.

      I know it stresses a mother and being a brother it would stress me too to see my sister wanting to marry someone who I feel would not keep her happy, any parent, sibling would feel so.

      But if someone is not taking advice and is firm on a decision, we should fear Allah and not use any force physical or emotional to put compulsion on a person to act in a certain way.

      When there is no complusion in religion, the most important matter, how can there be complusion in marriage which is certainly less important than the Deen of Islam.

      Salaam,
      Your brother.

    • Salam sister,

      If you would like her to marry then you have to make sure your daughter is happy, it was you that raised the marriage issue I understand. Also your reason for rejecting him are not exactly valid either- his height and body complexion- Is your daughter blind that you must draw judgement on this? And height and body types are Allah s.w.t blessings I would advise you to ignore these charecterisics. And you said your 15 year old son is taller than him, sister most 15 year olds are very tall nowdays, more so than those 10 years ago, im a secondary school teacher so I know, most are in between 5'8 and 5'11.

      But its obvious he has very bad adhab, and not practising the dheen. You have to be accepting of your daughters choices for her to accept your wishes, the dheen, for the future or she will feel pressured and rebel, it can be avoided. With all respect sister, you drew conclusions before you knew him. You judged a book by its cover, and thats where this problem began. Your daughter probably didnt choose him because of his height and skinny body, but something that you cannot see.

      I hope this helps.

  11. Can you tell us the height difference ?

  12. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    Matters get worse by force.

    Allah says in the Qur'an: Whosoever does good, it is for the good of his own soul, whosoever does evil, it is only against it (his own soul). And Allah is altogether independent of His slaves.

    If she is firm on marrying him, let her do so, he is a believer right?

    Not all families are practicing Muslims, yet kids their practice Islam better than elders. With time and Allah's guidance things can change, Insha Allah.

    We have to look at the present and take a decision.

    As a parent you did her job by giving her good advice. Now leave the matter between her and Allah. Allah may give him and your daughter hidayah to practice Islam.

    If she suffers, she has right to take divorce, if her marriage turns out to be good, she has right to live happily by choice.

    Force can only make matters worse. You cannot make anything compulsory.

    Even Allah gave humans a will to choose from the two ways - the good and the bad.

    Whatsoever you do, try to solve the matter in kindness.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

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