Should I forgive and give her another chance or shall I leave her and move on?
Asalam-o-alekum brothers and sisters,
well my story is too complicated to be told, so breath taking and full of twists that a film can be picturised with multiple parts!,
In short (and out of context way);
I am (age 22) in an extreme love affair (no sexual) with a girl (age about 17-18) for about 1 and a half year now (both sunni) , she told me every thing about her self before we formed a bond of love b/w ourselfs, i did told her that i had prior relationship with other girl(s) before and i did ask her whether she had one too which she confidently denied and so "Based on that denial" i continued conversing (via mobile phone) with her (other wise i would have seized at that instant)
well we have been conversing for about 1.5 year(S) and during that time we did fall into extreme love and we wanted to form a bond of nikkhah b/w ourselfs but the girl's father has been denying our request.
well time went on.. we both are became ready to do nikkah but how could we do it public-ally, her father would have killed her. during this time we met each other 2 times but did NOT do sex.
as time went further on she falled in love with me at an extreme level, she said she could easily give her life for me and could instantly run away with me if her father disagrees, while i did not like the idea of running away.
Now,
2days before she told me a secret that she was hiding since the inception of our relationship, she told me that "there was some one in her life before me and that he cheated her".
These words hit my heart so violently that i began to faint. (for a girl whom i have done so much and did not leave her, she has been cheating me on this fact from inception..)
i was heart broke but just to get it all the facts clearly i asked her to tell me every thing but very hesitantly she continued that she hates that boy, she said that that was a mere time pass, lasted only 2 months (via cousin's mobile phone) without any sort of meetups or any sexual talk (just friendship), happend 5 years ago, the boy wanted to ruin her life and soon he faded away and married another girl but soon divorced her too and now is calling on her cousin's number and asking for her to marry him. she told me that she hates that boy and loves me now and she would die if i leave her
after hearing all of this i did not believe at any thing but my heart bursted in fire and i said to her that i do not love here any more and switched all of my phones off.
second day i switched on my phones again, the phones started with her continuing calls and messages that she wants to speak to me, i did spoke to her and she started a new brand new story along with tears and crying,
she said to me that yesterday her elder sister (with identical voice) took her mobile phone and talked to me and told me wrong stories about her so that i may leave her and she said that she had no prior relationships before, and she swear of ALLAH, quran, of me, of her father that this is truth and that i should tell her whether i believe on her or not and began to weep.
the word ALLAH stabbed my heart but i was also very very sure that she was lying because i understood here voice too precisely and last night the girl i talked was "her" and could not be her sister, she insisted that her sister's voice is same and if i refused and leave her then she is gonna fall of the rooftop of her house because she was there
but at that very moment i refused to believe on her and switched off my phones again because i was furious that she used ALLAH's name on falsehood, my phones have been switched off for a day now
but now my conscience is constantly pinning me that she could be right despite i know that she is wrong because she sweared of ALLAH (which she had not done before and i knew with my experience with her that she was a modest girl and never cheated / lied to me before and she had strong faith unlike her elder sister who did not)
what should i do?...
believe on her?
or
don't believe her but give her a chance to prove herself right and also inquire every thing?
or
don't believe her but still forgive her about her past or what so ever? (because she loves me to death now and she can't live without me)
or
death sentence (forget her and leave her forever)
Please advice me because my life is being wasted over here, i am an ACCA (p) qualified individual but is still under melancholy and seeking ALLAH's help over this issue which is carrying me away.. all my dreams and life are being shattered and i don't understand what to do...
personally i think that she is lying but still my conscience strikes me back because she cried too hard and used ALLAH's name, whom i love so much
Please read every word before answering, may u get what i mean to say.
(DO NOT start with-- in islam it is haram to talk to non mahrams ( i know that), if her father was not in b/w of us then we would have been in nikkhah now and also our nikkah is possible in some time now because every person of her and my family knows about us and wants us to marry accept her father who would also eventually agree.)
jazzak ALLAH kher,
MKK.
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Please try your best to forgive , even if your relationship doesn't survive these events. 17-18 is still very young, and it sounds like she's had some very difficult experiences already in life, which can be hugely traumatic for a young person's developing psyche.
I'm concerned that you say she has mentioned hurting herself; this is a sign of a soul in deep distress. If possible, try to talk to her family about this, as it may be that she needs professional support.
When people are emotionally traumatised and vulnerable, and relying on support from out with the family unit (where support should be unconditional), the fear of losing that support can push people into acts that are out of character for them, and not what they would do or say if they were well. This is one of the reasons why family and nikah is so important.
I would advise taking some time away, not talking to or seeing her for a while, after a discussion with her about what the two of you are feeling and why. If she has talked of hurting herself, it's important for her family to know; inshaAllah they can get her help and support to overcome these feelings. You don't need to decide at once whether you wish to be with her - at the moment emotions are running wild so take some time and decide when you are feeling calmer - is this the person you wish to have by your side for eternity?
If the answer is yes, then please make your relationship legitimate; if the answer is no, then wish her the best in her life, ensure her family will support her, and move on with your own life.
wow.
dramatic much??
so its ok for YOU to have "prior relationship with other GIRL(S) before" but she made ONE mistake with ONE guy and regret it and your acting like she has committed a world of sin. its in her past, just like how you hve your "prior relationship with other GIRLS" in your past. its not your place to judge her over some mistake. she is YOUNG, alot of 17 years old make worst mistakes. dont be so self righteous.
I think you should just pray istiqara and see what Allah thinks and stop all this nonsense. If you hve a postive feeling, its up to you wht you do from there. if you dont have a positive feeling, call explain to her and move on.
brother
Once a cheater always a cheater ,
Its not that its always true but it cant be completely over looked at
The most important for u is can u forgive and forget a cheater that her back and do not in ur wildest dream think of doubting her and bring this issue as a taunt or in a fight in the near future that is the main concern for ur lookout thats the main thing u have 2 bothered that if u forgive can u forget
Coz for a male its more of ego hurt which strikes deep
And as for the above sister comment and for your that she will suidie
Than brother if a person commits suicide she goes diretly 2 hell no question asked and it is haram
And if your answer is no and if she take such a step than she stands alone 2 face hell fire no one involved even u are not reponsible for it
And being 17 and 18 is quite sensible age to think of not taking extreme steps
I wud say leave her go to ur own path unless u can forgive and utmost imp forget
just in response for sister mea
" if a girls falls in love in past" y its a big deal for male
Well sister"if a girls falls in love in past" y is she not marrying her ex y ruin the life of other person who may or may not have committed such a sin
Understand from a male perspective
Actually, she said, that girls past should not be a big deal for the OP because the OP himself has had past relationships (two or more girls)
.
This is a major problem with how Islam is viewed by the rest of the world. A man gets free pass for his past relations while a woman is to be punished. There are to be no dating relationships in Islam. That is for both the males and females.
Salaams,
While you might be able to blame the lack of nikkah on her father's obstinance, your continual meeting with her or speaking with her on a regular basis is squarely on your shoulders. The most respectful thing a gentleman should do in a situation like yours is back off and stay on the sidelines until the sister has more of a green light to go forward with the marriage, but instead you took things underground with her. Needless to say, you can't edit that out of the equation as a contributor to the current situation you are in.
What I see here is an over-reaction on your part. There are only two options- either she did have a previous relationship before knowing you (which, by the way, is not cheating in any sense of the word), or her sister was in fact trying to cause fitna. If it was her sister, and she was being true all along, then you have no reason to worry or get so emotional.
Yet, even if she did have that relationship, consider the level of trust she must have had in you to reveal it. She clearly wanted to move forward into marriage with all weights off her conscience, and considering that she accepted your revelation of your previous relationships she probably expected the same compassion back from you. Yes, I understand she originally denied this, but you have to understand that for women (especially those from cultures that tend to be very traditional) it's a much more stigmatic issue and those things are only disclosed to trustworthy individuals or never at all- so you can't blame her for being not so open when you first met her.
Like one poster wrote above, it's hypocritical of you to hold this against her when you've engaged in the same types of relationships. I don't think you can assume that her "deception" during the course of time you have known her necessarily means she something akin to a two-faced tramp; rather, she is probably someone who was very ashamed, scared, and needed to know you well enough to trust you with this information. Now, not only do you feel like you need to rebuild trust in her, she is probably feeling the same about you.
I suggest you leave the past in the past. If you are able, try to move forward with a clean slate and actively pursue marriage. If you think that her father is still going to prohibit that, then take a breather and cool the connection. I assure you when relationships are kept within proper bounds these kinds of stresses diminish.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu Alaikum ,
I completely agree with sister Amy.
As you said you already know about that your relation with her was haraam, so I would.not point at that but I would definetly say it is hypocrisy on your side when you can fully show off your previous relations and still cannot accept a mistake from her side, on top of that which happened before you came into her life. brother that is not a cheating from her side.
Rest, I exactly felt and wanted to say what sister Amy said.
May Allah forgive our sins and make our imaan stronger. Ameen.
Sounds to me that you have done the same with her for 1.5 years that that guy did with her for 2 months. She ended that relationship (if you can even call it that) and met you. Get over it. She obviously wants to marry you and you want to marry her, so go to her wali finally and let that be the end of it. Don't over complicate your life.
sister
I think u r wrong he was in a relationship with this girl for 1.5 yrs he did not get physical with her and she shud hav open up long her secret long before despite waiting for so long( dnt say ki she wanted to check him and all)
She cud hav said i was in the previous relationship and tht chapter is closed and nw i want 2 be with u instead of waiting for almost 2 yrs offcourse its hard for the brother tht she had hidden this frm here if this was out in initial days there wudnt have been such issue
Also to the brother speak 2 the father of the girl and try 2 convince him and bring elder in bth the family to do so
And if his father diagrees than forget her and tell her not 2 take any extreme steps like running and marrying u as it will bring bad name 2 the girls family and her siblings will suffer the pain and she will be hated and cursed by her father tell her that inorder 2 start a new relation one cant bury older ties
If so than ........
Slaams Ikram
He himself is not perfect she the girlfriend is not holding his past against him, BUT i admit maybe she also should have told him but having said that maybe she was afraid of his past that he would also cheat, it isn't easy to just say it is the girls fault.
I also agree with your post above maybe they should marry if they are serious
Ikram,
Assalamualaikum Wahramtullahi Wabarakaatuhu, May this message reach in you best health and Emaan.
Bro I think the original poster is over reacting.
The OP has mentioned that he has had several relationships with other girls before his affair with this girl(which is all a sin), Can you imagine how it would be to all those other girl's husbands when they find out that they have cheated(not physically at-least) on them with the OP.
And if they were to take offence as the OP did , then how many suicides,divorces, orphaned children would be in the community ?
Do you understand what the OP has done , he has literally destroyed the lives of so many girls, but Alhamdulillah I hope that the husbands of the girls with whom he has had a relationship with do not take such drastic steps and leave the past in the past where it belongs and accept their wives for the pure souls they are in the present.
Also going by the OP's post he mentioned that it was just a 2 month thing, nothing physical or even caused emotional trauma to her, Besides I think she panicked when he called the other guy called back and proposed marriage.
Also your comment
"Once a cheater always a cheater"
I am sorry to be rude but that is what you are trying to be towards this girl unjust and obnoxiously rude.
Who are you to judge her?Have you never cheated anyone in your life be it anyone by hiding something from them ? Subhana Allah have our standards for forgiving others so low that if they fail once they are done.
You also mentioned something like this
"And as for the above sister comment and for your that she will suidie
Than brother if a person commits suicide she goes diretly 2 hell no question asked and it is haram
And if your answer is no and if she take such a step than she stands alone 2 face hell fire no one involved even u are not reponsible for it"
How in the world is the brother not responsible for the act of this sister's, Don't you think on the Day of Judgement she will ask Allah to Judge between her and him.
I am no scholar, bu I know one thing for every single evil that we do we will be brought to account for it.
And I am pretty sure that causing a person to commit suicide is a sin and even the law punishes you for it.
My last point is that.
So it is okay for a Man to have many illicit relationships, but none for a women.
Well the last time I checked in Islam both the MEN and WOMEN are prohibited from having any sort of illicit relationships and does Allah's tolerenace for the sins of men more than he has for women(Asthahufirullah) . Our Rabb is just and he is the best of Judges.
And I think your comment
The most important for u is can u forgive and forget a cheater that her back and do not in ur wildest dream think of doubting her and bring this issue as a taunt or in a fight in the near future that is the main concern for ur lookout thats the main thing u have 2 bothered that if u forgive can u forget
Coz for a male its more of ego hurt which strikes deep
does not validate the argument that Allah forgives our sins irrespective our sexes.
If you expect your wife to be So pure that no other man has crossed her life or heart, then you better be that man in whose life there is no other women who has crossed your heart or life.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
You said,
Your assumption is wrong dear.
Firstly, if a person commits suicide, the sin is solely theirs. No one gets a share of it and no one is responsible for it. Reason is when Allah said whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself. (Quran 4:79).
The basic principle is that our actions are solely ours as Allah said "And We have fastened every man's deeds to his neck, and on the Day of Resurrection, We shall bring out for him a book which he will find wide open. (It will be said to him): "Read your book. You yourself are sufficient as a reckoner against you this Day." (Quran 17:13-14)
and also Allah said, Whoever goes right, then he goes right only for the benefit of his ownself. And whoever goes astray, then he goes astray to his own loss. No one laden with burdens can bear another's burden. And We never punish until We have sent a Messenger (to give warning). (Quran 17:15)
Thus we can conlude that she can't blame anyone but herself as after all she started it with her 'free will' (having pre-marital relationship to suicide *if*), transgression after transgression after transgression. So I believe she wouldn't dare ask Allah to 'judge between him and her.' because generally, a father would be of no use to his son and vice versa on the day of judgement, so obviously 'bf' can go out of the list. Allah said "O mankind! do your duty to your Lord, and fear (the coming of) a Day when no father can avail aught for his son, nor a son avail aught for his father. Verily, the promise of Allah is true: let not then this present life deceive you, nor let the chief Deceiver deceive you about Allah.
There's a saying (I'm not sure from where), it goes like, "we born alone, we die alone and we'll be judged alone". Thats the basic principle.
And fear a Day (of Judgement)when a person shall not avail another, nor will intercession be accepted from him nor will compensation be taken from him nor will they be helped. (Quran 2:48)
O you who believe! Spend of that with which We have provided for you, before a Daycomes when there will be no bargaining, nor friendship, nor intercession. And it is the disbelievers who are the Zalimun (wrong-doers, etc.). (Quran 2:254)
Lastly, a person who commits suicide (or a sinner who havn't repented) will be raised up blind on judgement day.
"But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Quran nor acts on its orders, etc.) verily, for him is a life of hardship, and We shall raise him up blind on the Day of Resurrection." (Quran 20:124)
which law punishes for it btw?
May Allah protect us from the blazing fire. ameen.
She obviously made up a story that her 'sister' spoke to you because of the childish way you reacted.
You were honest with her about your prior relationships. The reason why she did not tell you at the beginning was because she was scared. It had taken her ALOT of courage and strength to trust you and open up with the truth. You were in the wrong for not supporting her and being happy she confided in you. She's the one that should be forgetting you. Because of your reaction she lied because she regretted opening up to you.
Her opening upto you meant that there was something good growing between you two but you were being hypocritical and just ruined it. I'm sorry but you should tell her you are sorry
walaikumassalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu
you said "she said that she had no prior relationships before, and she swear of ALLAH, quran, of me, of her father that this is truth"
Read this
Shaykh Ibn Baaz (may Allah have mercy on him) was asked:
We have many people who swear by things other than Allah. For example they say, “By the life of the Prophet Muhammad (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)” or “By the life of ‘Eesa” or “By the life of Moosa (peace be upon him)” or “By the life of the Qur’aan” or “By the life of my father’s grave” or “I swear by my honour”. Please advise me about that; may Allah reward you with the best of rewards.
He replied: Swearing by anything other than Allah is not permissible. Rather the oath should be by Allah alone, may He be glorified and exalted, because it is proven that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Whoever swears an oath, let him not swear by anything except by Allah, or else let him remain silent.”
And he said: “Whoever swears by anything other than Allah has associated something with Him (shirk).” Swearing by anything other than Allah is one of the haraam actions that constitute kufr (disbelief), but it comes under the heading of minor shirk, unless he meant that this by which he swore was as great as Allah, or that it has control over the universe, or that it deserves to be called upon instead of Allah, in which case it becomes major kufr (al-kufr al-akbar) – Allah forbid.
So if he said “By the life of So and so” or “By the life of the Messenger” or “By the life of Moosa” or “By the life of ‘Eesa” or “By my father’s grave”, or he swore by honesty or by the Ka‘bah and so on, all of that is swearing by something other than Allah, and all of that is not permissible and is an evil action.
What should be done is to not swear by anything except Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, or by one of His attributes, or by one of His names. The Qur’aan is the word of Allah, and the Qur’aan is one of the attributes of Allah. So if a person says “By the Qur’aan” or “By the life of the Qur’aan”, there is nothing wrong with that, because the Qur’aan is the word of Allah, may He be glorified and exalted.
End quote from Fataawa Noor ‘ala ad-Darb by Ibn Baaz (p. 236-237)
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Also read this..
Do you know what ‘Eesa (peace be upon him) did when he saw a man stealing, and that man swore to him by Allaah that he did not steal? Think about it:
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “‘Eesa ibn Maryam saw a man stealing and ‘Eesa said to him: ‘Did you steal?’ He said: ‘No, by the One besides Whom there is no other god.’ ‘Eesa said: ‘I believe in Allaah and I disbelieve my own eyes.’” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (3260) and Muslim (2368).
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The Messiah (peace be upon him), because of the great fear of Allaah in his heart, thought that this person who swore by the Oneness of Allaah was telling the truth, so his belief in Allaah made him believe him and make him think that his eyes had deceived him, and shown him something that he did not see, so he said: “I believe in Allaah and I disbelieve my own eyes.”
Undoubtedly one’s eyes may be mistaken and see things other than they really are, and may imagine things that do not really exist, then reason dictates that this is a mistake. The Messiah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) put his faith before his vision, and disbelieved what his eyes had seen, and attributed the mistake to himself.
Badaa’i’ al-Fawaa’id (3/1159, 1160).
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!