Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help!! I don’t know what to do

Hello everyone,

I'm in desperate need of help.

A few months ago I met this guy through a social network, we started chatting and quickly became friends.

From the beginning he told me he couldn't really have female friends as he is Muslim and is haram to have friends of the opposite sex.

Since day one he told me I want you to be my wife!! I kind of laugh it out, I thought it was a joke, we hadn't met in person, we had only exchanged a few words and he was proposing!! Yet I still kept chatting with him because he seem very nice.

As you can tell by now I'm not Muslim. I'm Christian living in a Latin America,  he is from Pakistan.

We continued chatting and I began having feeling for him very fast, he gave me an ultimatum either I agreed to be his wife or he couldn't continue talking to me, I care for him deeply so I agreed.

The thing is I'm a divorced mom, and our age difference, I'm a lot older than him - 9+ years.

I love him and after reading some posts here about husbands not being able to forget their wives past I feel that will be us down the line, and I don't want another divorce.

I know how important is family in Pakistan and everyone of his siblings has gotten married by arrange marriage, he said if my parents don't agree they will come around after marriage.

MY family isn't a perfect one, in fact there are many faults. I've  told him all things that are bad with me and my family and he still doesn't care, he said is marrying me not my family.

I don't want to ruin his life for me. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I told him we should end and he threatened to kill himself. Since he has became more possessive he thinks I'm leaving him for someone else that's why I'm ending with him. I can't do anything without asking him first, even what I wear. He's asked repeatedly for me to start wearing hijab and or abaya, and insisting of me learning about Islam, he wants me to convert or else we can't get married.

I've been learning about Islam and told him that at the moment it isn't for me, that I won't convert just to get married. Then he said is ok.. I know you will after marraige, and that after marriage I will wear hijab and abaya sometimes as per his request, and I'm ok with this.

The problem is I feel I'm not good enough for him, and I really don't want another divorce if he later wants to divorce me because he can't get over my past.

I can't end it with him because he threatens to kill himself.. What do I do?

Please help me!



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15 Responses »

  1. Run for the hills sister, you want to marry a guy who you havent met, who could be lying to you over the internet and is using emotional blackmail i.e. il kill myself, to more or less force you into marrying with him, by not giving you the option to say no and move on with your life.

    It is haram for him to have girls as friends yet he still moved on forward with it, from day one he said he wanted to marry you, he has become more possessive, and is more or less trying to force you to convert into becoming a muslim, these are huge red flags sister that you should be picking up and aware of!

    Being a muslim is YOUR choice not this guys, why are you allowing him to have such a huge say in your life and decisions?

    There are no such things as fairy tales and i say this because it seems this guy is trying to spin you into one. Please be very very careful with how you deal with him, what you give him etc. in the future, especially if he is using emotional blackmail to keep you in the picture, if he is doing this outside of marriage then imagine how he will be inside of marriage?

    Finally he is giving you guarantees that he cant validate or justify i.e. his family and parents coming around to accepting you after marriage.

    Please sister seriously think about the situation, think about how this random guy over the internet is acting towards you and attempting to control your life, and trust me, when you marry a man, you marry his family, there is no such thing as a healthy marriage without family being there, especially in the asian culture, do not be fooled.

    What do you do? Sister disappear, stop contact, dont even tell him, just disappear, that way he wont "kill himself" as he says he will, as he wont know whats happened.

    Just to recap:

    He proposed without even knowing you, your family or background, just random.
    He gave you an ultimatum to marry him, so it wasnt your natural choice, he basically told you your options.
    He is saying things he cant guarantee such as his parents will come round after marriage if they dont accept.
    He is emotionally blackmailing you by threatening to kill himself so you stay with him, basically forcing you to stay in the relationship that you have, you cant say no.
    He is constantly saying and forcing you to accept Islam, either now, or you will after marriage.
    He is possessive to the craziest extent.

    Sister just read through what i have said, would you recommend someone like that for your own blood sister? brother or best friend? Or would you think what is going on?

  2. Dear sis pinkie,
    Is he pakistani but living in same country as you or does he reside in Pakistan?
    I see lot of red flags in this man.
    Let's be clear about the fact that his relation with you as of right now is not permissible as per Islam.. He is behaving as hypocrite by saying that if you agree for marriage then he can talk to you further . There is no space for this premarital friendship for real practicing Muslims.
    Extreme possessiveness ,threatening a suicide,,proposing after few talks and ignoring age dif,religion dif,culture and family dif indicate psychological instability or some hidden agenda.

    If he is in Pakistan and will depend on you to bring him to Latin America then he is big NO NO.
    Many Pakistani men will agree to marry even a old,homeless women from street to get visa to go to USA, Europe or even Latin America . You are infact a very good catch for him,so please be cautious in moving any further.

  3. He is just pretending to be a very religious man. Why can't he marry a girl in Pakistan?

    Most likely he is after a Visa and sex. He may be already married.

  4. There are good and bad people in very religion. It is sad some countries are supporting terrorism in the name of jihad I am very upset to read the following news.

    I hope these things about shooting Air Force One and Saudis funding is not true. This could easlily lead to a big war.

    • There are definitely good people who say they are Muslim; but I think that the real true Islam is that of the majority, those who vandalized REWA in Seattle and threatened the staff because someone dared teach their children about freedom of speech as a right, those who burned the captured pilot alive, and those who released videos of using knives to slowly cut off he heads of screaming, agonized children because they were being raised in the wrong religion.

      If this were not the "true Islam', we would see opposition. There are more than a billion Muslims, yet we see no one choosing to fight against those who do these things. We see the terrorists murder and conquer people who are supposedly also Muslims - but the scholars only say "Muslim should not fight Muslim" against those who wish to fight against the terrorists, not against the terrorists who kill other Muslims. No one has objected to he abduction and enslavement of school girls from countries as far apart as Nigeria and Iraq - but we sure heard a lot of justifications for it from our supposed "leadership."

      If the scholars don't condemn terrorism, but only those who fight against it, if the world's Muslims are in silent agreement with the terrorists, far be it from me as a mere convert to suggest that Islam does not endorse, support, and promote mass murder and enslavement.

      I intend to expose the evils of this devil worshipping cult as long and as loudly and as frequently as possible - because if it saves only one life, it will be the best thing I have ever done.

      • Miss anonymous. yesterday i read your comment that is now deleted.
        in every religion, there are institutes who spread violence and hatred towards other religion. even if i convert to Christianity and join any institute they will certainly tell me what they did in Africa, giving money, spreading their religion on the pretext of helping others. some people do help but they are few.
        they will tell me how they invade iraq when everybody even american knows that 9/11 was planned.
        those terrorists have sold their souls and now on a mission to make bad impression of Islam in order to gain power to invade others and control them.
        some of the people from this religion has entered the group which means they have left religion they also kill Muslims. they are hypocrites and evils.
        secondly islam doesn't support hate speech. Islam give us a way to leave the place where majority lives and they make troubles in practicing your religion (burning the mosques, grabbing the scarves etc )otherwise you can live in any place with majority ruling over you. it is not about who rule off course the govt rules and people are the slaves including all of us majority plus minority. i dont know what happened with you but those who are saying to turn the country into ... they are just like christian missionaries. every religion focuses on preaching but islam favors preaching in the form of advise and debate if a person is not interested in listening we should not and cannot force them to listen to us secondly islam is strictly against hypocrites and hypocrisy, so lying and becoming fake will not work.
        thirdly if any Muslim man has done anything wrong to you cheating or something i dont know what triggered you. may be its one of the reasons but people are good and bad. i can also say many american men claim their women as gold diggers and they leave you if you dont have money, thats y american soldiers marry the Philippine women. but not all women are like that.
        if you dont want to follow the religion thats your choice. but please try to respect all the religions. we should nt point fingers on anybody's faith.
        if a person wants to convert he can study Quran, Bible or Torah What so ever religion he wants to embrace and there we can guide them not in the way like you are telling. a person interested in knowing religion there it is our duty to tell them but if a person is just your friend and is christian we should not try to say things like this. you know i learnt Italian from the native who is a teacher and a missionary in Pakistan she used to like me alot she always tried to have religious discussions with me which i know deep inside she wants me to convert. but i cant say that she is bad or evil.
        there are some extremists in every religion who spread hatred and Allah dont like those who try to create fitna in this world .live with peace and let others live in peace thank you

  5. Hello,

    Well maybe, I think this not about the Warfare and religion. It's just simply about your feelings coz you think ur in love. But just be careful dear, he might just having fun of you, and enjoying his feelings that he can't have in reality.
    It is easy to say all those words on chat world . Just take it slow, and never divulge anything about ur private life. Just go with the flow but keep ur thighs covered. Ok.

  6. As salaam alaykum. First my reply goes to @anonymous, you were a Muslim. Whatever happened during that time I honestly do not know. All u want you to know is Islam is peace. Islam is perfect. Muslims who practice Islam aren't perfect. Some are extremists so my point is, blame the people not the religion. That they have the wrong perspective of Allah's dictate doesn't make the religion unclean. So Akhee or Ukhtee, Islam preaches peace, love and unity. Proudly a muslimah.
    Now to sis pinkee, I honestly will advice you leave him. Frankly speaking, this is 21st century. No man will kill himself because of a woman and a man who does so, isn't sane at all. Run for your life sis. May Allah do for you that which is best.

  7. Pinkie, Be very careful and run! This is a man you met online and it is not safe! How can anyone want to marry a person right away. Most mature and responsible men would want to know you longer and have much more information about you and your family before asking for marriage. Never get involved with anyone online. Online is not real life at all. Many men from Pakistan maybe want you for your visa or for a very selfish purpose. Islam is a beautiful religion but some things about many cultures are very backward. Now days many women and men as well are being used to gain a visa to a western country. There is a lot of poverty in Pakistan. Do not go there!!! Run from him and do not ever talk to this man again!
    Be wise and meet someone in a normal way Pinkie that you can build trust slowly with and truly know a person in real life through your family or friends . Many woman are making very dangerous choices now with the internet and not guarding their life and safety.
    Noone should ever force you to do anything and that is a big red flag if they are. Read the book by Sandra L Brown: How to spot a Dangerous man. This book is excellent and helps women learn how to be safe and choose a man of good character and explains that many women get into dangerous relationships and how to stop these patterns.
    Ananomous I think cultures are what are bad not the Islamic religion. I also have lived in many Muslim cultures and felt that women are treated more like slaves then people in some places. But this is culture and a backward way of interpreting Islam.

  8. Your last paragraph truly reflects the humanity you found since leaving the religion you chose to follow in the first place. Frankly, if there is anyone that can't be trusted, it is you. You are easily swayed one way OR the other.

    The very thing you plan on warning people is the very thing that you depict so precisely.

    Looking forward to more of your very "last posts here."

  9. @ Annoymouse,

    I don't blame you as I am always at the verge of leaving the "community". But I keep asking myself that I cannot deny the worshiping of One God -Allah, our Creator and the authenticity of Quran are the unshaken truth. There are something, maybe many things went wrong when Islam has passed down to our era. There are so many self proclaimed experts and high esteemed scholars in the field declaring Fatwa on this and that, "hadith" of many versions after the death of the prophet 100-300 years are still guiding the major part of millions muslim's life. The women issues are always under the spot light as the practice to muslim women in general is unfair. I am an insider and I know. No matter how many women stood up and said Islam gave women's all the right to do this and that but the reality is not the same. Muslim women always face unfair treatment by their husbands or family in the name of Islam. They do not have choices to do so many things and they cannot really fully participate in the society. They cannot be a piece of social fabric interwoven in the surrounding as all the restrictions on women have limited their job opportunities, education, participation and involvement in the society. The only place and the best place as the scholars claimed is and will be home and bear children.

    One may find it puzzle to believe that muslim will ask trivia daily issue ( e.g. nail polish, stand up pee or sit down pee, dream of this and that,etc, etc) to a sect of "respected scholars" expecting an answer or waiting for a haram / halah permit on the issues. For converts, we may consider common sense to judge it on your own but they will regard it is "total submission". If anyone suspect the intention behind the Fatwa or have query about it, they'd better to keep quiet as it is regarded as weak in faith. Thus those muslim will keep quiet and die out gradually in the community. You can see the major part of the population in Islam are uneducated and they accept Islam as a folklore, blend in with their culture without questioning; again, it is called total submission for them.

    I am very upset, a mixture feeling of angry and angst of the recent events - Boston Bombers, Boko Haram, Charlie Hebdo, ISIS's horrible acts, REWA, ....... the list going on and on. I am so tired, embarrassed, feel responsible for the act and all turn to anger about who on earth are those muslim? While I glued myself to the media to understand the recent development, I only got disappointment after disappointment.

    There is no simple answer for the explanation of what had happened. I hope you may find some educated muslim to openly discuss with you. Allah will reward every single struggle you face. I can't quit, I know. When I am asked in the judgment day, I will say I seek, I search, and I can or cannot find my answer. It is a tough time for muslim, bear it.

    If you please, you may post in a separated question, let more people to discuss the topic.

    • Please watch the following:

      Verge of Leaving, Why do you feel responsible for the actions of others? So, today, if I do something wrong, are you going to feel guilty for that? That makes no sense. You have been conditioned to feel that way via the exposure media gives to stories they want and no exposure to stories they don't want to. I suspect that you are a revert as you have written: "For converts, we may consider..." If that is the case, you have to understand Islam is not to be judged by the people, but by the Quran and the laws that govern it. The people will always disappoint you.

      As for what Anonymouse has said, I would ask that editor's go through her post and read it carefully. Either, perhaps someone can answer each part thoroughly, or at least delete the ridiculous things she has written. She has a right to her views and believe or leave any religion she feels like it--but to refer to Islam in the way she has, to claim that in Islam that men are allowed to treat women (Muslim or not) as they wish are not true things.

  10. Run away my sister,
    Tell him goodbye in a quick email, and let him do whatever he chooses with his life. Cut off all contact with him.

    It's all very sketchy. Do t convert for anyone else, and don't marry someone euro is not in your own country. He is using you to get to wherever you are.

    If he wants to kill himself, that's his own mental health problem...not yours.

  11. I just can not accept the oppression of women and girls in Islam. I think when girls and women have been abused as children they can not just accept oppression by men and it makes them stronger and feminist. I am a Muslim feminist and strongly believe women in Islam need to fight for their true rights. Many Muslims will say that Muslim women have rights and that they are happy and they always point to the west as bad for women and without rights for women. But just look at the stories here on this website of oppressed women and girls in abusive marriages and families as well controlled by husbands and fathers and not even given the rights of an animal. This is culture but it is happening in Muslim cultures. Islam is pure and the perfect religion but Muslim communities are not and do oppress women and I have lived in the cultures to know. Western cultures repress women in other ways. Whatever culture women and girls have the rights to be happy and live in peace and not be controlled by men. There are some misinterpretations of Islam in cultures that lead to abuse of girls and women. Women will always need struggle for their right s. The strong and true religious women are the women who are not passive and protect their children as well from abuse and oppression. Marriage is not so important that women should just accept anything: pologomy, violence,verbal abuse ,staying at home just for a husband. Women need to be strong in faith and know we are not slaves to men ,but only slaves to Allah!

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