Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Muslim woman, unmarried and pregnant

pregnancy

I have been in a relationship with a non-muslim man and we recently found out we are expecting a child. Abortion and Adoption are NOT OPTIONS for us.

At the start of our relationship we have always intended to be married and he has always wanted to convert to Islam, we were just waiting to graduate from college. As of recently we  really want to tell both of our families the situation at hand, his family is likely to be accepting while my family is very unpredictable.

He still wants to be married as do I and he really wants to convert and we both love our child very much, we just do not know how to go about handling the situation and what are the proper steps to take.

I am 8 weeks along and we really would like to be married before the baby is born. We know what we have done is a sin, but we would really like to stay together and raise our child in a two parent islamic family. Thank you in advance for your responses.

kare

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19 Responses »

  1. Asalamwalaikum Sister. If you both were thinking and planning to spend your life together and to get married then you should've thought about all of this before having an sexual intercourse. Things like this do happen sister as I understand what you must be going through. Being an Asian as well as a Muslim, it can be hard for us to convince our family into who we want to marry and why. All I can say is, when you feel that the time is right and college has been finished..you should sit down with whoever you are close with in your family and talk to them about it. Also, make Dua to Allah to make things easy for you when it comes to you having to tell your family and I hope Allah will help you in shaa Allah Ameen and I hope everything works out for you. Although, you have commited a sin as to getting pregnant before getting married which is a big sin.

  2. I am not sure if you want advice or approval for your decisions.

    Sister, what you have been doing is haram and has very serious consequences. Please do not belittle the commands of Allah swt. If you want approval, none of us will tell you that it is going to be okay - but if you want advice, you will have to accept that it will not be what you want to hear.

    You can't marry a man who isn't a Muslim and you said several times that he was planning/intending to become a Muslim--this shouldn't be delayed further. IF he becomes Muslim, then you can marry him (as long as he isn't becoming Muslim just to marry you) but you will have to consult with an Imam regarding the fact that you are already carrying his child.

    It really sounded like you and him were going to go ahead and live as husband and wife with your child regardless of the advice given. Sister please understand that just because we have the "freedom" to do what we want in this world, doesn't mean there are no consequences, we just can't see the consequences immediatley.

    Whatever choices we make, we have to suffer the consequences. We can't drive our car blindfolded and then complain when we have an accident--if your bf doesn't become Muslim, you can't marry him and you have to raise this child on your own. The father of your child will not be able to promote an Islamic environment when he himself is not Muslim. How can you expect to have Islamic rights fulfilled when the leader of your house is not even going to be Muslim?

    Your situation really was disturbing to read. May Allah protect our Muslim Ummah, especially our future children from such evil. Ameen.

    • Aameen to your du'a, sister. I wish to add that the OP needs to involve her family right away to avoid future complications. After all, her father has to agree and act as her Wali in her Nikah. This will also give the family some time to accept the bitter truth.

      May Allah save the Ummah.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. I agree 100% with Saba,

    Firstly I would like to say I have read many comments made by Saba assuming there all by the same person, all the advice and comments have been supportive, accurate, and straight to the point.

    What Saba has said above is absolutely right, I personally think you need to ask Allah for forgiveness, what on earth was you thinking? Going against Islam in such a degrading way. Muslim women should keep there respect and dignity and only share it with there husband. It's awful what you have done. I just pray your child doesn't be affected by your sin.

    • JazakAllah.

    • This is by far the worst review of Islam I have ever ever seen it breaks my heart to see some people acting as allah himself and condemning this girl for her life choices. Just because she is Muslim does not mean she is perfect and what makes her a better Muslim is not her sin but her acknowledgement to allah of her sin, your reply is one that is very sad and I hope and pray that inshallah one day you see what you have said and how you have made this girls heart so heavy. Allah himself asks us that when we pray for a forgiveness we must not name out sin so that we do not torture ourselves more. Allah gives life and he takes life but this life was given by allah and no one should ever condemn a child who is born with no sin; not condemn a mother baring a child seeking to be closer to allah, you have not guided her towards teachings but you have mislead her about the mercy Allah has upon every person. Sounds to me that you need to read your Quran more and more and understand who Allah is and why he is the one and only. My dear you have gotten so lost in your faith you have forgotten how to be compassionate towards those who ask for mercy and you have ignored the fact that you sin and also that you are never the judge of the consequence of another persons sin. You are not in a position to say such nasty words to a girl that is not Islamic that is ignorant.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    If your boyfriend truly believes in Islam, he should say his shahadah right away. He doesn't need to wait until he has reached a particular stage in his life, or until he has learned enough to be "perfect" in his practice (to be honest, nobody alive today is perfect) - all he needs is faith in Islam and Allah.

    If you feel you can, it would probably be best to sit down with your family and discuss the situation with them; your boyfriend can approach your parents with a proposal, and assure them of his intention to support you and your child, and to raise a family in an Islamic environment. They may very well be upset, as the situation is probably far from what they have imagined when thinking of marriage proposals and starting a family, but inshaAllah they may be more accepting and forgiving than you think.

    It will be important that you have the support of your parents, as they will be a very important part of ensuring your child is brought up in an Islamic environment - it takes time for someone to go from deciding to revert to Islam, to having the experience and knowledge to provide a comprehensive Islamic environment and example for their children. Your boyfriend might very well appreciate a helping hand in ensuring that he is providing a good environment.

    You and your boyfriend should also pray to Allah and ask for guidance and forgiveness; it would also be advisable to take time to reconnect with Islam yourself, as committing significant sins such as this show that we have strayed from the guidance given to us by Allah. You have been given the responsibility of caring for and nurturing a new life, so it would be sensible to learn more about Islam, read Quran and hadiths, maybe attend a study group or community class - in order to help yourself, your boyfriend and your child.

    May Allah protect you and your child through this pregnancy, and help you both become healthy and strong in body and emaan.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  5. "he has always wanted to convert to Islam"

    he really wants to convert

    so what is stopping him from reverting to Islam . ?

    why does he not do the shahadah ?

    _________________
    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  6. ASA sister,

    In your heart you know this was selfish. I wont be all judgmental on the board as many are as seen. We all make mistakes and obviously ALLAH swt has given a child to you. It is a blessing period... It is selfish however to bring a child into the world woth a man that hasnt made a commtment to you. You dont know if he is glin to marry as it is all talk so plan on the worse and hope the best and focus on your baby. Children normally are socialized by their moms so if you are a practicing muslim the chold will be as well. If the father isnt god fearing no mattee the religion they wont teach them our way ehich is that of al islaam. Have him have a look at thr quran and HE should make a heart felt decision alone to convert. Not be pressured or forced as it will not be a genuine love for islam and he will deconvert evetually. I have seen it sooo much.there is no compulsion in our religion and he his reliigion and i have mine. Islaam is to be felt within by the self not be made to pressure. I would not however discourage or thwart h if he genuinaly wants to convertZ

  7. Hi Kare,

    if he is ready to converting in ISLAM then what is the problem???

    Ask your parents what else they want??? the guys family also ready to accept you then why are thinking?

    get converted and marry with him and be happy for rest of life,

    May God bless you,
    Gopi

  8. Praise be to Allaah.

    Firstly:

    It is permissible for the one who committed zina to marry the woman with whom he committed zina if they are no longer regarded as zaani, which is after repenting sincerely. If she is pregnant, it is not permissible to do the marriage contract with her until her pregnancy ends, and the child is not to be named after the zaani according to the majority of scholars. Some scholars are of the view that the illegitimate child is to be called after the zaani if he acknowledges him. See the answer to question no. 33591

    In Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah it says: What is required of both of them is to repent to Allah then to give up this crime and regret what has happened in the past of committing immoral actions, and they should resolve never to go back to it and they should do a lot of righteous deeds in the hope that Allah will accept their repentance and turn their bad deeds into good deeds. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse __ and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.

    69. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;

    70. Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful

    71. And whosoever repents and does righteous good deeds; then verily, he repents towards Allaah with true repentance”

    [al-Furqaan 25:68-71]

    If you want to marry her, you have to wait until it is established that she is not pregnant by waiting for one menstrual cycle before doing the marriage contract with her. If it turns out that she is pregnant, it is not permissible for you to do the marriage contract with her until after the pregnancy ends, in accordance with the words of the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) that a man should not irrigate the crop of another with his water.

    End quote from Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, Majallat al-Buhooth al-Islamiyyah, vol. 9, p. 72

    Secondly:

    It is not permissible to abort the foetus in order to get rid of the shame of zina. See the answer to question no. 13331.

    And Allah knows best.

  9. UPDATE: I guess I left a huge detail out it is that I live with very abusive father who has beaten me and verbally abused me since I was a child and what I know of Islam I have had to teach myself because I had a brother who passed away at 17 when I was a young child and my father just gave up teaching (I teach myself Arabic and Islamic studies) and only became more abusive towards me because he no longer had my brother to hit. So my situation is a bit more complicated, he has threatened my life on more than one occasion. So I am not sure whether it is safe for me to tell him. My BF is going to perform the Shahada (for his own reason not because we are expecting) once speaking to an imam about our situation but we do not know if he will be allowed given the circumstances I would also like to find an imam that is more open-minded because the mosques I have been to I have only been scrutinized at. We would also like to get married soon after but is there anyway not to involve my father in the wedding and I distrust my brothers (could I have someone else be my Wali), I will tell my family eventually but I need to do it in a way that will ensure safety for the three of us, I want them to know about my baby but i just do not want them involved in my life until after I give birth. I fear for the life of my unborn child.

    • UPDATE: I guess I left a huge detail out it is that I live with very abusive father who has beaten me and verbally abused me since I was a child and what I know of Islam I have had to teach myself because I had a brother who passed away at 17 when I was a young child and my father just gave up teaching (I teach myself Arabic and Islamic studies) and only became more abusive towards me because he no longer had my brother to hit. So my situation is a bit more complicated, he has threatened my life on more than one occasion. So I am not sure whether it is safe for me to tell him. My BF is going to perform the Shahada (for his own reason not because we are expecting) once speaking to an imam about our situation but we do not know if he will be allowed given the circumstances I would also like to find an imam that is more open-minded because the mosques I have been to I have only been scrutinized at. We would also like to get married soon after but is there anyway not to involve my father in the wedding and I distrust my brothers (could I have someone else be my Wali), I will tell my family eventually but I need to do it in a way that will ensure safety for the three of us, I want them to know about my baby but i just do not want them involved in my life until after I give birth. I fear for the life of my unborn child.

    • Dear sister Kare,

      We are really worried about you and your child.

      If this man is becoming a Muslim out of his own will, will take care of you, raise your child as a Muslim, then you can marry him but you need a Wali. A wali must be your father, but as you mentioned he is abusive. I have read that if a father cannot be the wali, then this position can be assumed by a paternal uncle or grandfather, then a brother and if no one still can do that, an Imam. But you must have a Wali. I am not sure if we really have an answer for you as one would have to judge your situation as per the information that you have given. You really may have to return to speak to an Imam (and digest the bitterness of their judgement as best you can) and go from there. The question really comes down to, is your bf sincere and who will be your wali--you need to work on this and hopefully you have now an idea of what to do.

      Take care of yourself. Be strong. Do not lower your standards or your principles. Ask Allah for forgiveness constantly. May Allah provide you with a solution and May Allah guide us on the straight path. Ameen.

      Please read the following

      Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

      If the wali refused to let a woman marry a man whose religious commitment and character are good, then guardianship passes to the next closest male relative on the father’s side, then the next closest and so on. If they refuse to arrange her marriage, as usually happens, then guardianship passes to the qaadi, and the qaadi should arrange the woman’s marriage. If the matter is referred to him and he knows that her guardians have refused to arrange her marriage, then he should do that, because he is the wali in cases where there is no specific wali.

      The fuqaha’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) stated that if the wali repeatedly refuses marriage proposals from suitable men, then he is a faasiq (evildoer) and is no longer regarded as being of good character or as being a wali, rather according to the best known view of the madhhab of Imam Ahmad, he also forfeits the right to lead prayers and it is not valid to offer any congregational prayer behind him. This is a serious matter.

      Some people, as we have referred to above, refuse offers of marriage from compatible men, but the girl may feel too shy to come to the qaadi to ask for her marriage to be arranged. This is something that does happen. But she should weigh the pros and cons, and decide which has the more damaging consequences, staying without a husband and letting her wali control her life according to his mood or his whims and desires, and when she grows old and no longer wants to get married, then he will arrange her marriage, or going to the qaadi and asking him to arrange her marriage because that is her right according to sharee’ah.

      Undoubtedly the second alternative is preferable, which is that she should go to the qaadi and ask him to arrange her marriage, because she has the right to that, and because her going to the qaadi and his arranging her marriage serves the interests of others too, because others will come just as she has, and her coming to the qaadi will serve as a deterrent to those who wrong those whom Allaah has put under their care and prevent them from marrying compatible men. In other words, this serves three purposes:

      1. The woman’s own interests, so that she will not stay without a husband.

      2. The interests of others, because it will open the door for women who are waiting for someone to set a precedent they can follow.

      3. Preventing those oppressive walis who make decisions for their daughters or other women under their guardianship according to their own moods or what they themselves want.

      This also serves the purpose of establishing the command of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who said: “If there comes to you (to propose marriage to your daughter) one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him, for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) on earth and widespread corruption.”

      It also serves a specific interest, which is arranging marriages for those who are suitable in terms of religious commitment and character, thus protecting them from going astray and falling into haraam.

      Quoted from Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/148

  10. Sister,
    i was once married to a non-muslim, who convert... Ya allah everything was okay until after the wedding. he changed. now we are divorced with 2 kids. i dont believe in that--- cause why the wait. if this is true then there is no wait.

  11. Assalaamualaikam

    If you fear for your safety and that of your unborn child, it is imperative that you get to a safe place. Women often endure abuse and violence to themselves, but once a new life enters the equation, there is even more need to ensure you are not abused.

    With regards a wali, it's my understanding that if you have no suitable male relative, an imam or another respected brother can act as your wali - you may wish to discuss this with someone at your mosque. It may be the case that an imam may be hesitant to go ahead with a nikah straight after the man has reverted, as he might be concerned that the man was not genuine in his desire to embrace Islam. However, if you explain your circumstances then inshaAllah they will be sympathetic.

    May Allah guide and protect you.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  12. My sister got pregnant with a non muslim guy. Then they got married and my brother in law converted in Islam after the birth of their child. Hope they will not have any problem now.

  13. @Sister Salima:

    Please don't get emotional. If people follow your comment then no one will think twice before commiting grave sins. Allah is the most beneficient and merciful but that does not mean that we stop fearing him and do grave sins.

    If people commit grave sins and come here to get some sympathy then I think we should make them realize wheat they did. We need to be harsh sometimes depending on the seriousness of the sin.. otherwise, there is no use of such portal

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