My fiance cheated on me; should i marry him?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have been with my fiance for over 3 years now and we got engaged at the end of last year. I found out 5/6 months ago that he had cheated on me with a non-Muslim who then wouldn't leave him alone and started playing games with him. I decided to walk away however after a month he came grovelling back wanted to change for the better and marry me. Its been over 8months now and I have seen quite a significant change in his behaviour and he has turned a lot more toward Islam and living his life following Islam alot more. He also went for ummra and his thinking has changed a lot too. I am so confused as I don't know what to do? He is constantly begging me to marry him so we can live the right way in Islam and spend our lifes together however I dont know what to do. The fact that he cheated on me and has messed about even before that makes me think should I even allow myself to get into marriage with him?
Also at the time when my dad was critically ill. I was heartbroken as I did everything for him.It hurts so much that a person can do that. My mum had agreed for me to marry him initially however now disagrees with this. She has said on many occasions she has had signs even in her sleep that this guy is not right for me and wants me to just move on from him. I do love him a lot and can see a future but just struggling as to what to do as I don't want to marry him and then later he does the same thing again or something happens and my mum says I told you so. His parents have also from day 1 tried picking at things and constantly trying to lecture me on what to do and I feel that this will happen more if I was to get married to him. I don't trust him one bit. On the other hand I can't see life without him. Someone please help me? I am so confused and its all I can think about and its affecting my health.
thank you,
Sumi.
15 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaam sister Sumi.
I cannot answer that question for you, as I do not know your fiancee. So it is important you ask yourself some questions. Yes it was very wrong of him to cheat on you, even if it was a while back and understandably it hurts. Normally I would say definetly not if someone cheats on you, however it seems from your post that there has been a positive change? You took him back afer he promised to change, but the real question is has he changed for the better? Do not judge him on his past actions but on how he is now? Does he seem faithful now? Would he be a good husband? Has he made tawbah for his mistake? If he has not honoured his promise to change then do not marry him. So ask yourself these questions.
However, it seems that you cannot move on from what he did.
So my dear sister you have two choices:
- Marry him if you think he is honourable in his intentions and you have a future but ONLY if you can learn to trust him again. Do not marry him unless you can let go of the past.
- If you cannot let go of the past or honestly feel he is not right for you then DON'T marry him.
- Make tawbah if you have had any inapproprite/unislamic contact with him (being alone, physical contact/talking without mahram present etc). Please stop any unislamic contact.
I would advise you to get away for a while and think about what you want and whether you can move on from this emotionally or whether you truly don't trust him. I strongly recommend that you do istikhaarah. Please scroll to the top of the page and read links on istikhaarah questions and answers VERY carefully to ensure you do it properly. Only Allah swt truly knows whether this guy is right for you so ask for His help in moving you in the right direction. Also be aware that a marriage needs trust.
And listen to your instinct - it is nearly always right.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AA;
So many thoughts, feelings, issues, and it is usually hard for people to give advice in these situations cause we do not know what is in your heart of hearts. Usually I say work things out when I see a family is about to break. But you guys are only engaged (Did anything happen between you two? You do not have to answer this here but you have to consider it before you make your mind up).
My only request is if you decide to marry him: please get him tested for STDs just in case.
May ALLAH guide you and bless you and direct you to the right path.
AA.
Sumi,
My advice would be to listen to your mother. There is no one who cares more for you and your health and well being than her. As your mother, she only wants the very best for you and it is clear that she feels that this man is not the one for you. No matter what you decide, may you have a life filled with happiness and love.
Salam
Run away as far as you can. If someone will compromise and committ such an intentional act as zinaa, throwing away their religion for a moment of pleasure, I have to seriously ask whether they will do such a thing with loyalty or trust after marriage.
"My fiance cheated on me"
this doesnt make sence sister.
because your fiancee wasnt halaal for you in the first place, you were NOT his wife, thus, you cant say he cheated on you.
dont marry him.
there are 6 billion reason why.
put a stone on your heart and move on sister.
wallaahi, you will only be happy with a man who fears Allaah, and not this player.
you will get hurt again and again if you marry him.
why take a risk to put yourself through that?
Sister,
I fell in love and married. He is a born muslim doesn't mean he followed islam. I wont lie and say i pray 5 times cause i dont. but i was more religiously inclined than he. When we met he used to smoke weed, had tattoos and slept around. When he told me he was interested in me i told him i wasn't because of all his previously mentioned problems and how unislamic he was. He changed. He cleaned up, started praying (once a week but it was a start) AFter a year of watching this behaviour i decided to marry him. he continued to improve. started praying once a day. etc etc. I have been married for 9 years. 3 years ago my perfectly changed husband told me, that while he prayed his heart wasn't in it. he had started "liking someone else" and it had happened once before2 years after we had been married. He apparently had liked this person so much that he had told her he liked her and had wanted a relationship with her. She turned him down because she knew he was married. He told this new girl he liked her as well. I was devastated. I forgave him because thats what Allah asks of us and because there was no physical relation ship with anyone else. But he also told me that before we were married because he couldn't have sex with me he did have sex with other women. We saw counsellors together. BUT i cannot forget. He cannot forget what he has done either as he does in his own way love me. We have decided to divorce in a year after putting both our lives in order. We both know we love each other but i also know despite how hard i try sometimes to keep this relationship going that i will become bitter and hateful if we stay together. He is repentant but he also doesn't trust himself. He never thought he would be of this character and it has shaken him however he feels it might happen again. I can't take that chance with my heart.
My point is, if your fiance really wants you he will change. I have seen people change and stay changed and improve upon their relationships. But in my case he changed cause he wanted me, but he couln't stay changed because he doesn't really want to.
My advice is think really hard and listen to your mom cause she sounds like she loves you. Also listen to yourself. Trust is hard and when people break that trust its even harder.
Salaam,
I am new to this forum so I'm sorry if I do something wrong here.
You've mentioned the guy has changed in a positive way and I don't think its only cause of you, but cause of his personal feelings, you also seem to be in love with him or rather see a future ahead with him which I think is a positive sign.
I also agree with you that its hard to forget rather than forgive someone who cheats on you but then aren't we taught to give people another chance? I'm not very religious so I'm going to apologise beforehand for what I am going to say as it may not be entirely correct, but Allah gives us, His servants another chance when we repent, so can we not do the same for our fellow beings?
As for trusting your mum, yes parents want the best for us but how I take marriage is, they may chose the best but we may not be able to give our 100% since it was not us who chose our other half but them. So when you say you can see a future make sure you give your 100% so your mum can't say 'I told you so'.
What's meant to happen will happen, but there's no harm in trying and asking Allah to help us on our way. So maybe if you marry him and God forbid he does cheat, it was meant to happen like that but if you pray it actually may not happen. I say its all down to what's destined and prayers which change destiny.
Jott down the pros and cons of being with this guy, do an istikhara like advised above. Inshallah you'll come to a conclusion.
No, do not marry him.
From Hudayfah -Radi Allaahu anhu- that the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said: ‘A fitnah (trail) which a man faces with regard to his family, his wealth, his own self, his son and his neighbor is expiated by fasting, prayer, charity, enjoining good and forbidding evil.’ [Collected by Bukhari & Muslim]
assalamu'alaykum sis
i think u should listen to ur mother and in islam ur marriage is not valid if ur parents don't agree for islamic reason.
Honestly is up to you but like they say once a Cheater always a cheater!!! My sister was married for 10 years to my 1 st cousin he treated her so bad he cheated so many times, my parents kept on tilling her give him a chance is a shame for our family to let him go, so she gave him so many chances because he promise that he will change and fear Allah, but noo he went and slept around with a non Muslim. My sister found out she let him go she has her two daugthers very happy alhamdullah! My point is they will cheat again is in there blood. I wish you the best I hope everything work out.
assalaam alaikum sister,
from my personal experience i think u shud muv on.it seems difficult now but once u start visualizing ur life without him,it will get much easier.later if he repeats the same things, it will be more difficult and by then u will lose much more. i can't comment if he has really changed or not.but if a person can cheat on you once, he can do dat again.and it is not always the girl who is wrong.think about the girl ur fiance went to.he cheated her too.u only know what he told you and listening only one side u cant decide on the situation.pray to Allah that the step you take is right for you.He knows the best.
The only way you will ever know for sure if your boyfriend is cheating on you is if you catch him in the act or if he tells you straight up. I would really think about if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in and if not, get out of it. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.
My fiancee is cheating on me but I can't prove it. Should I marry him?
What do you mean you can’t prove it. Tell him how suspected it. If you don’t have the confidence then tell him of a story of how you know of a guy who has cheated blah blah, and then see how he reacts.