Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I saw my sister’s naked picture on my husband´s phone

man talking on cell phone while driving, cell phone

Assalam u alaikum, my husband is cheating on me again and again, every time he refuse to admit that he did anything wrong even that I saw my sister's naked picture in his mobile but he refuses to admit that he is wrong.

I'm not sure if he has done anything sexually with my sister or any other girl, but his acts shows that he has done as we live in America and here is full freedom for him he might have done it.

He is never ashamed... I wish I could get divorce but my 10 month baby and my parents are the hurdles.

What should I do to tolerate all this? It is making me mentally sick because every time he fights, sleeps separate, put his phone on lock and a lot of stuff  like this.

Please reply me that what should I do Islamically.

- Sar

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12 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    Islam has the option of making peace first by yourself. If you cannot, then involve arbiters from both sides and if that also does not work then you have the option of seeking divorce as a last resort and Insha Allah, Allah would give you of his abudance.

    I do not advice a thing like divorce so quickly. Give this problem some time, some thought and some efforts. We won't find all guys being "alright", some deviations do come.

    You tried to talk to him I guess and he fights and does not accept his mistake. Tell him, that if he is unwilling to answer her, you would get people from the families on both sides involved in to this. Just see if he gives any response.

    If he has become indifferent, then get the families involved and see if it works.

    He should not keep a naked picture of any woman, not even some actress of model, forget about your own sister. This shows his intentions are not good at all.

    First try to know "indirectly" what's going on with your sister. How that pic got in to his mobile? Just check all details from your side first before making any serious allegation. Just see if your sister is also at any fault or not. Please do not feel bad about my words. But it is really important to know the truth of the matter before making anything known to the family.

    My advice for now is: Get him to read Qur'an translation with you at some time of the day daily, see if his heart softens and he repents for his wrong actions. If he does not, and continues with his hide and seek game and phone locking etc. take up the issue seriously, give him an ultimatum and tell him in plain words that you are feeling bad and stressful due to such behavior and are not used to such behavior and would like him to leave such things and be good.

    Try with Sabr. With Patience. Try. Make efforts. Ask Allah to change your husband for your good.

    If things become normal, keep on thanking Allah and pray more to Him. If things do not seem to be normal and you cannot tolerate this anymore see all legal options, see an option of divorce as the LAST & FINAL STEP. Do not even keep an idea of divorce in your mind now.

    For now just be calm, composed, keeping trust in Allah that insha Allah He will help you pass through this phase and change him for your good.

    Regarding 10 month old baby, think well before taking any step. But always remember, if you are on the path of Islam and if you divorce for the right reasons, Insha Allah, some other proposal will come your way and you shall be more happy than this.

    Just know that unlike other religions, Allah has taken great care of women's rights in Islam and you have all options open anytime.

    Practice some patience, do thorough investigation, take your steps, be confident, and let not the 10 month old baby hinder you from doing justice to yourself.

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.
    - Surah Nisaa.

    Allah has explained you the process, from begining to end.

    So ask Allah for guidance, and chose for yourself whatsoever you think is good for your deen, dunya and aakhirah.

    Your brother,

    * * *

    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  2. Asalamoalaikum Sar,
    I rarely recommend divorce but in cases as such where a person is committing adultery and does not even feel guilt or remorse over his actions, I have very little to say other than seek divorce and free yourself from this pain.
    Your family or daughter should not be a hindrance for you. You must be strong and say no to this injustice. I’m surprised your sister and he are engaging in such evil activities and he’s so shameless as to not realize. He has a 10 month daughter himself; does he not have some fear in his heart?
    In times such as these, I highly advise that you stay consistent with your salat and recite as much Quran as you can. Leave everything up to Allah swt and walk out with the faith that He will make a path for you. If you feel pressured by your parents, don’t listen to them. You are not a door mat that anyone can walk over you. No parents should ever advise their child to stay with such a vile man; the pain and suffering you may be enduring must be overwhelming. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Your husband has no remorse over his action, that’s enough for me to say: walk out and close this chapter of your life. He’s made his choices, I highly suggest you now make yours.

    -Helping Sister

    • Helping sister ,

      I think you are jumping to conclusions too soon . At least show some mercy .Your approach seems to be highly offensive . The lady who posted this question must understand the whole situation . She must try to know whole truth . She must know how her husband got her sister's photography . What is the reality ?

      And besides , every matter can be solved through talking . People , these days they just divorce on slightest of issues . At least make a attempt to know the whole truth then make a judgement . What if your husband is innocent and you divorced him . What goes around , come around . Remember that .

      People commit so many mistakes every single day . That doesn't mean we should be cruel to them . No body is perfect .

      • Soul,
        I want to point out something to you:

        “my husband is cheating on me again and again, every time he refuse to admit that he did anything wrong even that I saw my sister's naked picture in his mobile but he refuses to admit that he is wrong”

        “He is never ashamed... I wish I could get divorce but my 10 month baby and my parents are the hurdles.”

        “What should I do to tolerate all this? It is making me mentally sick because every time he fights, sleeps separate, put his phone on lock and a lot of stuff like this.”

        I don’t know if you’ve ever read my posts for other questions but I do think before I answer and I also try to be soft first, and then firm. With this case however, I recommend divorce because through what this sister has written, she has tried confronting him, he feels no remorse, more so he denies the obvious. Also, when they argue, he uses the silent treatment or control over “possessions” to show his power and authority. You know what this man is: he’s an emotional abuser.

        She has tried to communicate with this man, he doesn’t seem to understand. Of course, I don’t mean that she should come home one day and throw divorce papers on his face, there is a final say: “Listen, I love you a lot but you are not treating me well and the way I need to be treated. For any man/woman infidelity is the crossing line. You are not admitting to your faults, how must I forgive you, nor are you trying to make amends and show me that you care? I can’t settle my body or soul for such a low price. I deserved to be treated with utmost respect, the way I am loyal and loving towards you”. Of course, this man will deny everything, maybe threaten her some more emotionally and the whole cycle begins again.

        Now you’re going to say what proof does she have he’s cheating? = his actions and the mere fact he keeps denying everything. It’s right there.

        Unless this man decided to admit he had sinned and was willing to make amends, my approach would be entirely different. Sometimes, the answers are right in front of us but we choose to ignore them. I am soft with those who are soft with others and yes we all sin but the one’s that realize have compassion and mercy in my heart, not those who sin and still think their in the right and emotionally control others.

        -Helping Sister

        • Accusing some body without a solid proof is sin ...

          my husband is cheating on me again and again, every time he refuse to admit that he did anything wrong even that I saw my sister's naked picture in his mobile but he refuses to admit that he is wrong”

          I agree that the behavior of this man is not sensible . But the lady must atleast try to involve the family members in this matter. Get the local ulema in this matter . There are lot of ways by which we can tell and teach a person about right and wrong . Divorcing is a easy way out but remember it is the most disliked thing in Islam even though it's permissible .

          • Soul,
            you are absolutely correct; families should be involved and then a solution to this must be sort out. But as I said earlier, if this man doesn't admit his sin and make amends, I see no hope for this marriage.
            -Helping Sister

  3. As salamu alaykum, Sister,

    How did he get that photograph? Have you talked to your sister about it?

    You are very annoyed, you need to cool down to be able to take the right decisions, let´s go for real facts, first of all put your feet firm on earth, you have the photograph and he hiding his phone, I do agree with brother Munib, investigate first with a cold head, don´t scare them, and once you have done your research go ahaed, but not before.

    Put on a side your insecurities, your fears and your preconceptions about America and act for real, you don´t need more that you have already.

    Calm, cool down and then you will be ready to talk to him, don´t do it until you feel you won´t lose your´s composure, when this moment comes, sit with him and talk, put everything on the table and ask him what does he expect from you, from your married life, you don´t need to know more, for the moment.

    I know will be difficult but pray your salat in the call of the Adhan, Allah(swt) will ease your way to do it insha´Allah. Pray as much dua as you feel, make dikhr, and when the times come before taking any decision, you can ask for Allah(swt) guidance praying Istikhara, insha´Allah. Sister after doing this you will feel Peace in your soul and your fire will extinguish, insha´Allah.

    Sister, once you know for sure he is cheating or not, you will take the right decision being guided by Allah(swt) , insha´Allah.

    On top of the page you have a link on dua and other one on Istikhara.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  4. Dear sister sar,

    I really feel very sorry for d situation u r in. Many times reality is not what ur eyes see, ur ears hear or ur mind perceives.
    I don't think the girl u saw in ur husband's phone was ur sister. I say this because there are hundreds of thousands of photo editing softwares availble easily. And one can manipulate any kind of photo in them. I say ths because i'm a magazine designer and i edit a lot of stuff. May be the girl u saw is just the face of ur sis who was clicked by ur husband in any social function & body is another girl's got from a porn website. U don't question ur sis directly. Just observe her.
    I'm sorry. Bt i feel ur husband is evil headed. See if u can make amends. Think of divorce only after ur attempts of amending him fail.

    Take care. Remember me in ur duaas.

    As salam aliekum

    • Ashshu,
      Although you are absolutely correct that technology out there can morph images and even manipulate them to something completely different, does it still make sense that he (hypothetically even if what you said is true) chooses a picture of her sister’s picture which is morphed? Aren’t there thousands of other models he might like to choose from? I’m not blaming this man, but his actions are dodgy (i.e.: denying everything, hiding his phone, keeping promiscuous pictures?)

      The sister is probably correct, her husband may not be physically cheating, but he is emotionally and what’s more important to me is that is he willing to admit it? If not, what shall be done with such a person?

      -Helping Sister

  5. Sar,

    If I were you, I'd go straight to my sister and tell her what I saw on my husbands phone. I would sit with her and ask her right out of she were sleeping with my husband and to just be honest with me for the sake of our blood. If I were to find that the two of them were in fact sleeping together, our marriage would be over. Then...I would toss his cell phone into the nearest toilet just to make myself feel better.

  6. Dear Shazia,

    Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. I have copied and pasted your entire question into an email to you and deleted it from here.

    SisterZ Editor

  7. Helpingsister has taken the words out my mouth BUT without proof I strongly suggest you talk to your sister and then work it out from there what you need to do as there is a child involved and the situation is not as easy as it looks. Sister i feel your pain and i hope none of this is true for the sake of your child.
    I wish you the best

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