Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Love and sex before marriage

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Not that I'm in the habit of taking advice from church billboards, but in this case they have a point. Secret relationships are always a mistake.

OK, this is my problem. I am a muslim and I am 21 years old, and have a girlfriend who is also a muslim she is also 21. We have been going out secretly (nor her parents, nor my parents know about our love) for about 4 years now and I love her, she means the world to me. Equally she loves me too, I know this because she keeps telling me.

But the problem is that she does NOT want to marry until she finishes university, and I dont want to marry yet ethier as I think I am too young. She asked me if I want to marry her when the time is right and I do. She told me that she does NOT want to have sex before marriage. But would it be OK if we did as we both know we are going to marry each other? oh and the other thing is that we have not had sex, but we do kiss and have slept in the same bed but not done anything, is that also wrong in islam?

I love her so much, that sometimes she takes my breath away. Some of my friends at first said that it was just a simple crush, but now I know its not, we have been together for exactly 3 years 10 months and 14 days. I know its real love because we both feel the same way! Before i met her i used to drink alcohol and smoke, she has changed me as a person and in result we have both fallen in love.

Would it be OK in islam if we had sex?

And the phsyical things we have done so far (kissing) is that a sin as well?

- joe


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103 Responses »

  1. uno ye it wuld be bad having sex before marriage...because everywhere in islam it says sex before marriage is haraam. If you are so sure that u r both going to get married then sex shouldnt be n your head it should never ome in ur head. i am not perfect and i am definatley not a islam expert, however its the obv. I am17 also in a relationship and have been for the past 2 yers and 9months, and i love my boyfriend hes 21 aswell and he loves me alot back. We both promise eachother marriage. but something if u just really have to wait for

    and about the kising and other physical stuf u wer on about, yes that is sinful.As i have read, for a islmaic girl if a man who is not married to her, for him to even touch her hair is such a huge sin, so imagine how bad it must be for you to both kiss eachother. But i dont blame neither of u for this, because the majority of muslims who ahve byfriends girlfriends kiss eachother. Its all about inner strength an individual has, and whether one can help them self from temptations.

    well i cant say much more than that, apart from that i hope you both do live longa nd happy together and you get married one day soon inshallah. May Allah have mercy on u aND FORGIVE U AMEEN

    • well this is really embarassing that we muslims girls n boys haivng sex before marrige. Do you think just because of love sexual relation should be allowed in islam or it should be declared as HALAL not obviously not u r going to get married r nt u will never ever hav to sex with other gender. Actually this restriction imposed by islam looks putty aukward but do u know what it is hundred percent surity that it will have many scientific and physical benifit for us furthermore this will lead to a good healthy matrimonial life. so in either case u should b think to do about it

      • yes,sex is unlawful,but if some one by mistake kiss n hug their gf/bf n after that they realized thier mistake tht he/she done wrong,is there any kafara for it? means (behak jana or kiss or hug kerna)

    • Aisha,

      I do not think this statement above is authentic. Please be careful before associating words to Rasul(sws). Perhaps the hadith you had in mind and got mixed up was this:

      He (sws) forbade being alone with a non-mahram woman and said that no man is ever alone with a non-mahram woman but Shaytan is the third one. (Sahih Muslim)

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • yeah sex is like a sweet poison at the time it tastes good but after that it crushes your pride honour sanity dignity and my pride is a lot more valueable than my life

  2. According to Islamic Sharia, a man cannot have any kind of intimate relationship, be it emotional or physical, with a woman unless they are married.

    That means the relationship you are enjoying with your girlfriend is unlawful. It may be difficult for you to follow the advice that I will give you, but I will give it any way.

    Our deen is the religion of obedience. Allah has given you the free will, which you can use either to obey or disobey. Successful will be those who obey without any question or making noise. Shaytan was given the chance to obey or disobey the command of Allah, but he chose to disobey. He disobedience earned the curse and the wrath of Allah and he will therefore be inflicted to severe torment in the on the day of reckoning.

    When someone discovers that he or she is involved in some acts of disobedience, the first reaction that comes to our heart is "It can't be haram.". The Shaytan will continue to reinforce this feeling. He will to make this relationship appear rosy and innocent in your eyes. He would try his best to make your feel good about it despite your disobedience of divine command. Shaytan will say, "Look you are not that bad. What is the problem if you are having a relationship, you are not having sex. There are so many people who are worse than you". The point is, if you take comfort from such feeling, it would not benefit you least. It would rather led you to remain steadfast in disobedience of Allah and eventually help you commit bigger sin.

    So how can you come out of this act of disobedience? I would say CUT OFF your relationship right away. if you think that you will do it gradually, you will never be able to do it.

    In Islam, there cannot be any feeling of innocent sensual love without marriage. The feeling of love that you are having for this girl is in fact a felling of lust but in disguise, presented by Shaytan.

    Today you are thinking that you would marry this girl in future, but do you have the knowledge of future? Can you just tell me what will happen in next 10 minutes? You can't. So how do guarantee yourself that you will marry this girl? And what you would do if there happens unwanted pregnancy? Who will take the custody of that child? Will you then go for abortion? Kill a baby?

    The bottom line is: you are now faced with two options: give this relationship up or linger in sin. If you choose the first option, first sincerely repent to Allah. If you choose the latter, you will fool none but yourself. Allah wants magfirah for us, but Shaytan wants indecency and disobedience. If you choose the way of Shaytan, remember that Allah is severe in retribution. Do you think you have the ability withstand the punishment of your Lord?

    May Allah guide you correctly.

    • Everything Stranger said is correct. Just because you plan to marry one day does not change anything. It is still haram. If you want to be married to someone, you don't want to start your relationship based on sin. Don't you want to approach your future marriage with purity and sincerity? Don't you want to do it in the best way so that Allah will bless your union?

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • My advice is if you can't wait to be intimate with her, get married now so you are lawful for each other. You won't have to hide from your parents anymore.Don't worry if it is too soon to marry. it wasn't too soon to fall in love was it? Do the halal and marry now. It doesn't have to be a big wedding. It can be small so long as it is legal. The big wedding can come later if you both want it.

      • i agree here. you can just do halal nikah, small dinner with family so everybody knows you both are married. then whenever you are ready financially you can rent a place for you both.
        look for halal only if u really live her and want your relationship to be blessed

    • how did u know these ? i mean ur answer is the most appropriate and informative and practical ! how , where'd u get so much knowledge ... I wud lyk to know more .

    • you know Mr. Stranger,
      I am a Muslim too, and right before reading these comments I was listening to greatest Muslim Dr. Zakir Naik and he said loving someone is no sin, so please, I do agree with the part that there should not be any physical but saying CUT OFF is not the solution and loving someone is not so weak to just let it go, instead I would say they should marry now since they know they want to marry each other and there is no age in marriage, after 18 anyone can marry because they are mature enough. So please, don't advice someone to forget their love or CUT It OFF, because if its real love it is NEVER possible.
      Thanks

      • "Peace", I think you misunderstood Dr. Zakir Naik. Of course love is not a sin. Allah has created us to love each other. We should love all our Muslim brothers and sisters in the sense that we care about them and want good for them. We should love our parents, siblings and children.

        However, the proper place for intimate love in Islam is marriage. We need to control our own behavior so as not to get ourselves involved in any intimate relationships (emotionally or physically intimate) with any non-mahrem of the opposite sex.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • hi guys i hv a crush on a nn muslim boy n he also has bt i dnt undrstnd wt should i do ..shoud i strt reltion shp wid him cz i luv him so much or lev him¿¿

          • Alia, we don't have "relationships" and boyfriends/girlfriends in Islam. What to do is very simple: let him come with his family to your parents and propose marriage. If he is not willing to do that then he is not serious and is just playing with you.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Leave him. You can't marry a non muslim. Remember that if you give up something for the sake of Allah. Then Allah will compensate you with something better.

    • thanks dear

    • all this above mentioned is true... i love my allah
      and i believe in islamic teaching to be ultimatly benefitial for a human life...
      appart from that in todays modern times as our generation is going through there puberty to maturity its very difficult to control social media and porn sites arent making it any easier although i do understand that this is the time globalization being international so to speak. many muslims are practicing sex both men and women are having sex before marriage.... call it physical need,love,promising marriage, or watever the reasom might be. i have done it. with a girl that i didnt love.. and she and i did iy because we needed physical bonding.... i do feel guilty for it..

    • mashaAllah so nice to read all ur review i think his is in crush for that girl O heloo mr.. love is not the name of sex U love her and she loves u so y u don't marry to each other its jst u can't WAh..!! wat a brisle idea u hav huhh...n girl enough mad to make sex for her love is right love is blind but emotions should be control under islam ....May Allah see u right path ameen..!!

    • Assalamu alaikkum ,

      I do accept what mr.stranger said as the perfect solution. Adding to that if you are in such a real love for that girl and you asked that can we have sex ? I think its better u can get married to her immediately which will make all your haram as halal and your deeds there on will be accepted by allah(swt) . May allah guide us in the right path .

    • Wow! Jazakallah! for the reply. Personally I did not think that if someone who associates with Islam as not to have sex would think that making out with each other is Ok.

  3. If u guys truly love each others, y aren't the parents involved?
    It's been said my our prophet Mohammed(pbuh) you rather had a nail hammered to ur head them to Touch a woman. So u can see what ever u guys are doin is wrong. U guys sleep on the same bed u said. U do know eventually u guys might do something, so y even put urselves in the situation! Just because u love each other doesn't give u the right to go head and commit some sorts of sins and eventually zinna. So I will advice u to get ur parents involved, put ur relationship on hold until u guys officially get married. Inshallah u will try to make better decisions from now on..

  4. All this is so true. I have been married to a man who loved another girl so badly. They never thought they would separate, but they did. She is also married and has kids. But she has told him that she would never forget him for the rest of her life even after her marriage. I have been married to him for 11 years and yet I cant get her out of his mind. He talks about her even when in bed with me and says that what he has for her is true love and it will never go. Just imagine what I have been through. I was so cautious in my youth and obedient to Allah that I never let any guy into my life, even though there were many who proposed marriage to my parents. Life has been so unfair to me. He also loves me and gets hurt thinking that he is making me upset. He even repents for seeing a girl before me, but is not ready to let go of her. Now he wants my permission to marry her. I have accepted to this as I do not want my husband sinning anymore but decided that I would stay away from him once he is married without a divorce. I can never think of another man in my life. He was given to me by Allah and I really feel he will always be the best match for me except that he will not be mine anymore. If only he had stayed away from a woman before marriage, my life would have been so peaceful and happy.
    All you men and women who get to read this, please do think that you could be doing the same thing to another girl or guy. Love must happen only inside wedlock, anything outside will ruin families and peace between married couple. Besides matches are fixed by Allah, you have no way of knowing who you will get to marry until you actually marry. Stop dreaming, if you call yourself as a muslim, then better follow Allah's commands than try to rationalize love before marriage.

    • Hello Sister,

      I almost cried when i read ur post...it really touched my heart to c the position ur in. In all this i just want to tell u sumthing....ur giving up ur husband to another woman becoz u dont want ur husband to sin anymore....ur intention is to keep ur husband from angering Allah out of ur love for your husband....I am so SURE that inshallah u will have a grand reward from Allah SWT....ur niyyah is great and inshallah i will remember you in my prayers....i know how it is to love a man and want good for him...even if it means that you have to take the pain yourself...sister inshallah i KNOW Allah will give you a great reward for your perseverance to be a good muslim girl( in ur early years), a good muslim wife to your husband and above all, a good servant of Allah.

      take care sister

    • I am weaping after reading ur reply....
      I am in love with someone and m too frustrated to get marry with him. but my parents will not let me marry to that boy.I am feeling the situation that will happen to me and my guy.
      What u has gone through is too difficult to do sabar on it.
      MayAllah bless you. Please pray for me too. That me and my guy get marry with the will of Allah and parents. Ameen.
      Otherwise we both will be spending the life but not living. :(

      Allah Hafiz.

      • Sisters, such sad messages. I love a guy very much but he has been torn between me and another and it would seem I have lost. With my understanding of Islam, I wish I had stuck to the halal way and remained obedient to the rules set. My family accepted him when we said we wanted to marry, but regardless of trying to make it halal, I have still caused myself pain by being close to him out with of marriage and him changing his mind.
        The problems with being involved with anyone before marriage is you can have full intention of marriage, but this intention may not become reality. Therefore it is best to sustain and have saber. It has been a long time now and I still love him and can't see how I could love another so strongly. I pray Allah grants us our prayers and we find good husbands and happiness.
        Dejected, MashAllah for your choices to let your husband go to another, after so many years. may Allah reward you

    • To: Dejected ...
      Wow, speechless, as being almost in the same situation as you. I haven't seen any women so loving caring and so much giving to her husband. but what if he wants to come to you, will you let him comeback to you. i mean for giving you your sexual needs...I am so speechless right now, mashALLAH May ALLAH grant you with lots of rewards in this world and in the hereafter. May your husband fall in love with you after you have done all this. i mean fall in love with you the same exact way he is in love with that other lady. your heart is big your have so much courage. Your an amazing person, I wish you will get what you desire ameen. I don't know what to say... speechless.

      Anna
      P.S. I wish you still come here because i want to know what was the aftermath of all this. i will pray a lot for you.

  5. Assalam-o-Alikum Bro,
    Let me tell you a similar story, not some one else but Mine. I also posted my situation here on this website and is still on the frontpage. Well, the relationship you are talking about, might seems to be love to you but it is one of the Saitan's best work. I had also been in a relationship with so called "Love Of My Life" for more than four years, we had all those promises and the same situation as yours, no family involvements and same young age senario with Uni responsibilites. Well, in short, Yess I did go further off my limits which resulted into unwanted pregenancy which we both wasnt looking forward to( Just wanna mention, yes we took protections, but it happened only once, Thats it). Anyways, now we had started realizing how stupid and unmature our act was. Its been more than 7 months and I havnt see her and we just contact once in a while to find out hows her health. We havnt decided anything. But all i want to tell you, is I also had the same feeling, but now I realizing that my love wasnt actually a true love, but just this lame feeling of attraction and LUST, which had bond us together for all those years. Since that day till today, I feel so ashamed that no words to describe. There is little innocent life is about to come into this world on the basis of HARAM relation. I never studied religion before, but this sin had brought me closer to my Deen. I have read more Fatwas than I have ever read in my whole life. All my point is, I know now, what this Haram act makes you feel. Its one of the biggest sin which Allah forbids. Look, If I had knew what I was about to do is such forbidden in Islam, I wouldnt even consider it. But for you, If you havnt gone further, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont do it. I wished i could take things back. Allah make few of us as an example, so people can learn from it. Learn from me, I hate myself now.I cried, when I read your's post, as it sounds so similar to mine situation but having intemacy is aint love, just lust.
    In the end, I'll say, being in a relationship, dating, holding hands, kissing, for sure feels good as its a Satan's way to take you against your God, but it is not Love. It just an attraction and lust. If you really think you love her truely, than go far from her, give it a try, donot contact her for a long while and then if you still have any feeling for her, than PLZ wait for the right time which is marriage. It just the matter of couple of years. If its Love than you'll wait until you get marry or lust will get into the biggest sin you cant even imagine. As the brother above said, If you feel like you had a pure relation, than wait to start your relation purely after marriage not with the sin which will take you far far away from your religion. There isnt anytime I wished I could take things back, not because of this preganency or else but only because my Allah has called it one of the biggest sin. Please read about Zina and forcination, it might help you. I hope you learn a lesson and I pray Allah wont let you go further. Do repent and ask Allah forgivenss of all the sins you did.
    This might not be very useful or matured advice (as I m still learning and not even in my 20's yet), but if a single brother can learn from my unmature act, than I dont have anymore to wish.
    If your relationship is truely love not lust than prove it by stopping any sort of Haram contacts with her until the right time of marriage comes. Prove it to her and yourself.
    May Allah makes things easy for you and show us the right path.
    P.S. Please pray for me too. Nothing has felt good after I followed Satan's path of Zina and disobey Allah.

    • If you decide to take yourself away from her just be sure you talk to her and have her understand you are taking yourself away from her and why. So she is on the same page as you. Otherwise it is very hurtful. When my guy has issues he goes away and tells me why after. This is always painful. So I made him promise me to tell me why before he does this. So far he has respected my wishes and this time he is not hurting me by taking him self away from me without telling me why.

    • Salam brother!
      Wow ur story is extremely touching.
      May I please ask u something then. I am a girl and I have been in a relationship with this boy for nearly three years and recently we did have sex. Saddest thing about it is that none of us knew what was happening and when I found out I started shaking and crying. I can by far say that it is the biggest mistake of my life and I hope and pray to Allah so he will be able to forgive me. U see the problem is this. I have never ever ever been in a relationship with anyone or even approached any boy. But with him it was different. It felt as if my life turned upside down because everything changed. But now I believe realisation has hit heart and I wish to continue to pray and look towards Allah however, the problem is that I feel as if deeply like him. And I am saying this because he is my first. First for everything. I don't know what to do though. Do I let go of him, because if i do then I will have to life with the fact that I am a non virgin and I let the one who I shared this with go. Or do I be with him? Because isn't it worse to leave hlthe one you had sex with in Islam ?

      I hope someone can find an answer to my misery.

    • I have gone through all the problems..i cried a lot.i also done a mistake.i loved a boy and he too loved me a lot..bt i knw ma parents dont accept the relatn i tell him to break up.he dont aallow me to do that.and one day he kissed me,after that i feel im getting closer to him,he just ran away from me and engaged with someone else..i feel guilty for loving him and repend to Allah for loving him.we used to talk about unwanted things and all.when i tried to stop him he wnt allow me to stop him..now he want me to love him again and he dont like me to talk with ma friends.i am actually fed up with him and want to get rid off him.but he is teasing me and hurting me a lot.icried a lot.i know wat i did is actually wrong and i dont want to keep aal those memories..i dont know wat to do....plz include me in ur prayers and may Allah help us to defend saithan and his deeds

      • May Allah Help you overcome your problems. Trust in Him and strive to protect yourself against approaching such actions again in your life. He kissed you, that was not his right, it is your husband's. Sister, do not let random men like him come into your life and make fun of you. Do not give him another chance to make you disobey Allah and turn to Allah.

        Abu Abdul Bari
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Love as we have learned in the West doesn't exist. We have been brainwashed since our

    childhood that when a boy and a girl meet each other and make the decision to be together

    based on physical attraction and biological causes, that this is love.

    Real love has a lot to do with committment and responsibility. Sex and kissing is something

    great, without a doubt. But only with the one and only and in the holy institution of marriage.

    Two non-mahrams aren't allowed to share such a relationship. And believe me: Out of my

    own experience I can say: Just talking to your prospective partner for marriage, or fiancé

    without shaking hands, exchanging kisses etc is so exciting. The attraction is going to increase

    and in the end, it will be like a volcano. It will erupt and then it will be so beautiful

    and passionate and insha allah it's going to stay a lifetime with the right attitude. When two people

    get physical before marriage is like letting the cat out of the bag in advance. The whole excitement

    and passion will evaporate and marriage is not going to be a haven for halal love, but , like in

    the Western World, a useful alternative. Marriage is the only way of getting physical and there

    is a reason why we have this law. To appreciate marriage , to understand the significance of

    physical love and to bear a life-long responsibility. Concerning the fact that Islam even allows divorce

    as a last resort, it guarantees a modern way of life. As you can see, there is absolutely no need

    for pre-marital sex, unlike in the Western World, in which the institution of marriage in Christianity is

    so archaic and old-fashioned that people had to look for more "modern" lifestyles" in accordance

    with the human fitra Islam doesn't deny.

    Believe me, if the first person you kiss is your husband, you sleep with is your husband, the first

    person you hold hands with is your husband, the first person you smell and touch, you hug,

    the first person you look at with desire, it's going to be much more "fun" in the long-term.

    God bless you

    • "Love as we have learned in the West doesn't exist." You seem to be against the western world I take it. And you don't know what you are talking about concerning this type of statement. All people in ALL cultures and religions have their own way. Even your Islamic marriages don't work out sometimes. It's all in how we deal with the people not what religion we are or country or part of the world we are from.

      In my "WESTERN" family most of them got married to one person and stayed that way. I now have an aunt who has been married to the same man for 66 years (my uncle and mother's brother) and is watching him die as we speak. We are more worried about her being left behind because he is accepting his own fate. But she will be left alone without him always there by her side.

      This is just only one example of a couple in my "WESTERN" family. There are many more. There is just no room to talk about all of them. Those two are Catholic. I have mixed Catholic and Buddhist couples in my family as well. And I am Buddhist with a Muslim man. How we do things in our family is open communications, A lot of trust and compassion. So your way is good but you should not say in the west love does not exist because it does and you are wrong in the saying of such things.

    • masha allah this is so beautifull.. and soo true!!! i hope we all fine love like the one u discribe because THAT is TRUE love...
      god bless u..

  7. Dear brother, salam

    Sex before marriage is a very grave sin, so I say: forget about it, brother.

    So far, mashaAllah, you two have pretty much kept things under control, and I think you should get a medal for your self-control and patience. The fact that you haven't had sex shows how much you two love and respect each other. You obviously have a beautiful thing going, why would you want to throw it all away by giving in to evil temptations ? If you sleep together, things will never be the same again, you will lose all respect for each other, you will hate yourselves and most importantly, you would be committing a very grave, ugly sin. A good muslim has to save himself for his wife, and a good muslimah, has to save herself for her husband. And what a beautiful way for you to prove your love to each other.

    You say you have been kissing and hugging. That is not permissible in Islam, so I think you should refrain from doing it from now on.

    Both of you should talk to your parents about your relationship. You need their blessing in order to get engaged and get married in the future, anyway, so why not just tell them now ? You both need to know if they'll agree to this union and the sooner the better, and if they don't, it'll give you the time to try and convince them. Besides, when your parents finally know, you will be able to see each other at her house. You see, in Islam, a man and a woman aren't supposed to be alone together. When I was engaged, my fiancé would come see me at my parents' house, and the fact that my family was in the house too didn't stop us from getting to know each other pretty well, laughing, and having a good time (within the limits of what's permissible in Islam).

    If you think, you won't be able to stop seeing her the way you have been seeing her so far (being alone together, sleeping in the same bed, kissing and hugging) then my advice is that you convince her to get married right now. I know it sounds scary and you don't think you're ready, but if you want to be together, that is your only (lawful) option. I know boys and girls that got married much younger than you and they seem pretty happy mashaAllah.

    Whatever, you do : no sex before marriage !

    In the meantime, read Quran a lot, pray a lot, ask for Allah's help in keeping you away from sin. Fast. Do dhikr. The closer you are to Allah, the easier it will be to stay on the right path.

    I sincerely hope all goes well for you.

    Your sister in Islam

    Wafa.

  8. Roux,

    I have never said love doesn't exist in the West, at least I didn't mean it that way. First of all, I'm

    a German woman and have the right to criticize my own culture, as self-criticism without pointing

    with the finger at others is allowed and recommended. We have to distinguish between:

    Love as an emotion itself and love as an emotion depending on values like honesty, commitment and

    perseverance. In our young modern western generation, we call everything love, even ethymologically

    we call sex "making love", although following desires is not love from an Islamic perspective, but

    shahwa, desire.

    You are right, love exists in every culture and nation, and many people can lead happy lives without

    even following a religion or being religious. Islam didn't come to change us and our nature completely,

    Islam doesn't say we are "animals" without following a religion. Islam came to perfect human nature,

    to give us guidelines , with which, if applied correctly, life becomes paradise. Many of my non-Muslim

    friends go to mixed gatherings, have pre-marital sex and have monogamous relationships that last

    a lifetime. But if it works, it doesn't work without values. They are either defined by religion or the

    people themselves, but there are rules which make the relationship stable. We can call so many things love,

    my brother says he loves Angelina Jolie. We all know for what.:)

    To conclude, Islam wanted to perfect the human imagination of love and desire, privacy and honour and

    nobody says we are all bad. It is a question of completion( in my opinion)

    Concerning hatred: I love the West, I live here, my daddy is western, my name is western and I believe

    the beauty of our Western culture is the freedom of speech, the justice, equality of men and women in the

    law and respect for the attitudes of the others.

    Jazakallah

  9. Whoever you're going to marry is written in your desinty. Allah controls that, noone else. Even though you guys agree to marry, that doesn't mean its a 100% sure you guys will marry eachother. If another girl is written in your destiny as a wife then NO MATTER WHAT happens, no matter how much you guys love eachother toy will only marry that other girl. You asked a good question and I think right now if you love her you should only be worried about actually marryin her in the end. You should to pray to allah to change your destiny and put your girlfriend in you destny. That should be your main worry for now. And yess you can change yor desitny by praying. Thats the only way :)

  10. Hey Joe,How did things turn out for you after reading all these posts? how are things going with you and your girlfriend? im very glad you are trying to be cautious and care about what islam has to say. May Allah guide both you and her. There is an article i wanted to share with you and it is a question/answer article that i found. There are more questions of this sort on islamqa.com

    Love which ends in marriage – is it haraam?
    Is love that ends in marriage haraam?.

    Praise be to Allaah.
    Firstly: The relationship that develops between a man and a non-mahram woman, which people call “love” is a combination of haraam things that transgress shar’i and moral limits.

    No wise person will doubt that this relationship is haraam, because it involves a man being alone with a non-mahram woman, looking at her, touching her, kissing, and speaking words filled with love and admiration, which provokes desire.

    This relationship may lead to things that are more serious than that, as is happening nowadays.

    We have mentioned a number of these haraam things in the answer to question no. 84089.

    Secondly:

    Studies have shown that most of the marriages that are based on prior love between a man and woman fail, whereas most marriages that are not based on haraam relationships, which people call “traditional marriages”, succeed.

    In a field study done by a French sociologist, the conclusion was:

    Marriage is more likely to succeed when the two parties did not fall in love before marriage.

    In another study of 1500 families, undertaken by Professor Isma’eel ‘Abd al-Baari, the conclusion was that more than 75% of love marriages ended in divorce, whilst the rate among traditional marriages – those which were not based on prior love – was less than 5%.

    We can mention the most important causes of this outcome:

    1- Emotion blinds one to seeing faults and dealing with them, as it is said: “Love is blind”. One or both parties may have faults that make them unsuitable for the other, but those faults only become apparent after marriage.

    2- The lovers may think that life is an unending journey of love, so we see that they only speak of love and dreams, etc. They never speak about the problems of life and how to deal with them. This notion is destroyed after marriage, when they are confronted with the problems and responsibilities of life.

    3- The lovers are not used to debate and discussion, rather they are used to sacrifice and compromise in order to please the other party. Often they have arguments because each party wants to compromise and please the other. Then the opposite happens after marriage, and their arguments lead to a problem, as each one is used to the other agreeing with him or her, without any argument.

    4- The image that each lover has of the other is not a true image, because each party is being kind and gentle and trying to please the other. This is the image that each is trying to present to the other during the so-called “love” phase, but no one can carry on doing that throughout his or her life, so the true image appears after marriage, and leads to problems.

    5- The period of love is usually based on dreams and exaggerations that do not correspond with the reality that appears after marriage. The lover may think that he is going to bring her a piece of the moon, and he will never be happy unless she is the happiest person in the world, and so on.

    But in return, she is going to live with him in one room and on the ground, and she has no requests or demands so long as she has won him, and that is sufficient for her. As one of them said, “A small nest is sufficient for us” and “A small morsel is sufficient for us” and “I will be content if you give me a piece of cheese and an olive”! This is exaggerated emotional talk, and both parties quickly forget it after marriage, and the woman complains about her husband’s miserliness, and his failure to meet her needs. Then the husband begins to complain about having too many demands and too many expenses.

    For these reasons and others, we are not surprised when each party says after marriage that they were deceived and that they rushed into it. The man regrets not marrying So and so who was suggested to him by his parents, and the woman regrets not marrying So and so whom her parents approved of, but in fact they rejected him because of her wishes. So the result is this very high rate of divorce for marriages which people thought would be examples of the happiest marriages in the world!

    Thirdly:

    The reasons mentioned above are real, and have happened in real life, but we should not ignore the real reason for the failure of these marriages, which are based on disobedience to Allaah. Islam can never approve of these sinful relationships, even if the aim is marriage. Therefore they cannot escape the just divine punishment, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Qur’aan nor acts on its teachings) verily, for him is a life of hardship”

    [Ta-Ha 20:124]

    A hard and difficult life is the result of disobeying Allaah and turning away from His Revelation.

    And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And if the people of the towns had believed and had the Taqwa (piety), certainly, We should have opened for them blessings from the heaven and the earth”

    [al-A’raaf 7:96]

    Blessings from Allaah are a reward for faith and piety, but if there is no faith or piety, or only a little thereof, the blessing will be reduced or even non-existent.

    And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Whoever works righteousness — whether male or female — while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”

    [al-Nahl 16:97]

    A good life is the fruit of faith and righteous deeds.

    Allaah indeed spoke the truth when He said (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Is it then he who laid the foundation of his building on piety to Allaah and His Good Pleasure better, or he who laid the foundation of his building on the brink of an undetermined precipice ready to crumble down, so that it crumbled to pieces with him into the fire of Hell. And Allaah guides not the people who are the Zaalimoon (wrongdoers)”

    [al-Tawbah 9:109]

    The one whose marriage is based on this haraam foundation must hasten to repent and seek forgiveness and seek a righteous life that is based on faith, piety and righteous deeds.

    Please also see the answer to question no. 23420 for more information.

    May Allaah help us all to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.

    And Allaah knows best.

  11. salam
    i feel the most stupid person in the world. i love a girl she love me also we both had sex,,, i am telling you plzz keep it in mind... the day i had sex with her i cant stop blaming my self .. i am muslim. i am going to marry her next year our engagment is done. but my freind ... in my heart i still blame my self for this sin.. i have no peace.. i always say to my self y i did it. i cant see my face in the mirror. i am ashemed of my self. that the truth, I knw ALLAH will forgive me one day, But i have a wierd feeling al the time when i think about it, i dont knw what i can do in this situation,. I always pray for one thing may my ALLAH forgive me, I love her she love me plz ALLAH forgive me,,, My friends pray for me ... ALLAH show me the ryt path... Some people said ALLAH forgive the person if he or she had sex and then they marry togahter i dont knw is that true or not..

    I need the answer
    so i can sleep with peace.

    ALLAH HAFFIZ

    • Brother,

      Allah forgives all sins if we repent sincerely. Allah says: "Tell them, O My slaves who have wronged their souls: 'Do not despair of Allah's mercy.' " (Al-Zumar:53).

      The Prophet(saw) said that Allah(swt) says: "Son of Adam! If your sins were to reach the limits of the sky, and then you seek My forgiveness, I shall forgive you, and I do not care. Son of Adam! If you will bring sins equal in volume to the earth and then you meet Me (on the day of Judgment) in the state that you would not have suggested partners unto Me, I shall give you in return forgiveness equal to the volume of the earth."

      The Prophet(saw) said: "He who repented is like him who has no sin on him."

      ***

      These above Ayahs and Hadiths mean we should sincerely turn in repentance to Allah if we have sinned, turn to Him with the intention of never returning to that sin. Allah's Mercy overcomes His Anger and His Mercy is also far greater than your sin. So let the feeling that you are experiencing now, be a reminder and a warning to you next time you have an urge to sin - that short term satisfaction brings with it more pain than pleasure.

      Not to realise the immense Mercy of Allah is also a sin - so the key is to strike a balance between hope and fear. Hope in Allah's forgiveness and Fear of Allah's Wrath.

      *Fear: Remember Allah's Wrath, so this keeps you away from sinning and from creating a false sense of security for yourself.

      *Hope: At the same time remember Allah's Mercy, so this allows you to forgive yourself and move on positively, not downhill through despair.

      ***

      Now leave what has happened, waste no more time on dwelling. Instead turn wholeheartedly to Allah. Maybe He(swt) caused this to happen so you would come closer to Him(swt). Every moment is a new beginning and now is a new beginning for you. Make sincere tawbah and your slate is clean. There are many ways to seek Allah's forgiveness, for some useful information on how to do tawbah click on this link: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/

      From now on, also refrain from revealing your sin to anyone else. So Brother, bury this chapter now and here and turn a new page - a fresh/clean page.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Yes It's true brother !!

      The Fact that you are repenting and asking for forgivness Surely Allah is kind to forgive us all !
      Try your best to be a great husband and a great Muslim !

      Allah is mighty and merciful ,we just need to have Faith and the hope that Allah is mighty !

    • Kamran brother,

      This is very important that you became aware of what you did, similarly, you feel ashamed inside therefore, it shows you are a good man. We all make mistakes we are human we are not perfect. I can feel it from your text that you are honest person. So, just do repent (Toba) Allah is always kind.

  12. If a boy and girl had sex earlier but now they wanna get married, is it okay to do so ?
    One of my friend said its haram. please advise. thanks

  13. Well, I think that although real love depends on perseverance and committment, you can still "fall in love"

    before marriage; If you define love by marifa, piety and good manners, it may happen that we like a brother

    because of these traits and fall in love with him; we aren't allowed to have physical contact with him before

    marriage which only makes the whole process more exciting. So in Islam we also fall in love, but don't

    get physical, which makes everything more interesting.

    Jazakallah Kheir

  14. Hello friends...I am in some serous problem.....I been dating a girl & we both are pretty serious about each. & planning to get married...Even are parents know bout us but its not official yet.....The thing is we have been off our limits & some stupid person has told my girl dat if u get psychically involved with a person ,u cant marry him or her... (Which i think is totally wrong) .....So please help me on this....

  15. W.A.S. Maria... i did but couldn't find my answer.... CAN WE GET MARRIED OR NOT ? That all i want to knw

  16. Thanks alot Marai... Allah bless us all

  17. Hello ,

    I m in relation from 4 years, which was good relation, but from last 8 months, it changed,
    My boy loves me no doubt. I love him too. we didnt have sex yet. I am too ashamed too b in relation with him.
    so far what happend, i want to ask that if my guy gave me oral sex, does this chnges my vaginal shape? Will it have a permanent efect on me physically?

    All this is so pinching me, and I am breaking up with that guy soon, although i love him. because when i m with him , i couldnt control my emotions and let him do what he wants. I dont want to do more gunnah. I wnt to marry with czn, who is good in religion....

    ( I am ashamed of what happend :( and I want pure relation after marriage }
    But I am afraid that if i marry my czn, he might know my previous relation.

    Please answer soon. what hsould I do?

  18. i have converted in to muslim i had a love she is also a muslim how to do marriage in masjid?

  19. Assalam-u-alaikum everyone. I am a sixteen-year-old Muslim girl and extremely distressed with dire need of advice and help. I was in a first relationship with this boy, also aged sixteen. Recently all my morals got over-ridden & now i have no idea what to do. Before we only used to chat online but recently i met him twice. In the second time, he attempted to cross limits & i shamefully only let out mild protests but did not attempt to stop him. We did not have actual intercourse but only just & did all else. I don't know what to do now for this shameful and immoral act and really need help. Should i still carry on in a relationship with him without such shameful acts till we get married? Or should i immediately break all contact with him? He really does say he loves me & i really love him too. Please anyone help me, i need advice & am so ashamed. Please help me and i hope Allah blesses you for it!!!

    • Nina, wa alaykum as-salam. Please log in and write your post as a separate question so we can advise you better. My short answer to you is that you should break off contact with this guy immediately!!! He is not a good person and is only trying to use you for physical pleasure. he will keep on pushing for this. Some guys will say anything to get what they want, but I guarantee you that he is not thinking about marriage in any way, shape or form. If he had any thoughts of marriage he would have approached your family and not behaved in this shameful way. Stop contact with him, make tawbah for what you have done, and avoid such situations in the future by sticking to the Islamic code of behavior between men and women.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  20. Hey,
    m a muslim gal n i had dis little relationship with a non muslim guy...... we used to tlk only on phn...but den one day...i called him home wen nobody was dere.....

    (Remainder deleted by Editor)

    • Please log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Mistake, you have already been told to log in and write your question as a separate post. I am deleting the entire thread of fifteen comments (!) that follows between you and brother Munib.

      Other people have been waiting patiently for up to two months for their questions to be answered. Your situation is not more urgent or important than theirs. Maybe in your personal life you are used to breaking the rules, or being treated like a VIP, I don't know. On this website you must follow the rules like everyone else.

      And brother Munib, after seeing the Editor's advice to the sister to log in and write a separate post, you should not encourage her and prolong the discussion here.

      Everyone please follow the rules of our website!

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salam

        I am really sorry Wael, i didnt really intend to break the rules of the forum.

        I once tried to login and post my question there but I somehow thought that posting here would give me more frequent answers which i was getting from Muniib.

        And you people are doing a great work and i know for a fact that lots of people must be posting questions to you everyday and you need to revert them back as soon as you can. I am really sorry for the inconvenience.

        You may be getting a lot of such questions every now and then, so maybe you have become quite indifferent about the feelings of such people. I am not used to breaking rules nor am I being treated as a VIP.... I just was so upset with that incident and so i came here and tried to get my problem solved.

        Never mind i hv gotten all my answers... Thanks a ton Muniib!!!! May God bless you :-)

        M Sorry for the inconvenience. God bless!!
        Allahafiz

        • We're not indifferent to the feelings of people. If we were, we would not be running this website. But we do have a sense of fairness, and that means answering questions in the order they come.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  21. Hi Everyone

    I wanted to ask a question. I met one of my cousins through a family group on facebook. He lives in another country.. I have never been in a relationship or anything like that. What first intrigued me about him is his deen and the way he thinks. I am 19 and he is 20. I felt that he was alot more mature than all the other guys ive met. We started talking until the subject eventually drifted off to marriage. We both agreed we were nowhere near ready for marriage. Our parents do not know. Many times I thought to myslef this is wrong but other times people say that we are in different parts of the world and therefore you would not commit zina and its okay. I understand that in Islam there should be no contact before marriage. But how would you ever know much about a person if you dont communicate? I really do want to be a good muslim. I try to follow the straight path. Neither of us have been in a relationship before but is it still haram to talk to each other if we are not 'seeing' each other physically?? We want to tell our parents and get married sometime but I really dont think my parents would approve right now.. please help :(

  22. salam,
    i have a very weird question.i offer pray 5 time and a true muslim by heart but i have done mistake with communist and i am very ashamed on it.i cant marry him either.i feel very guilty everytime.kindly tell me how to say sorry to my GOD that he forgive me i feel truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.i am very depressed.help me....

    • My dear Nida,

      This guilt and anxiety you are suffering from is a result of your disobedience to Allah(swt). Ya Allah, my Rabb... if only we all held on to Your rope from the start.

      Sister, Allah cares for us and wants us to do good, not to benefit Him(swt), but to benefit ourselves - so I am glad that you have finally realised your sin. You have done the first most thing and that is that you feel so bad for what you have done and you also desire that Allah accept your repentance. Allah(swt) says in Surah Zumar: “Say: “O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." There are some conditions attached to sincere repentance, they are:

      1 – Giving up the sin immediately.

      2 – Regretting what has happened in the past.

      3 – Resolving not to go back to it.

      4 – Making amends to those whom you have wronged, or asking for their forgiveness.

      See this link, inshaAllah you will find it soothing: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/poem-turning-back-to-allah/

      If you have any further questions, please log in and submit them as a separate post.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor
      x

  23. wat shud i say...
    im a muslim.... but im not muslim!!!
    i cried after reading ur issue...
    i did every wrong thing!!! i dun knw whether Allah ll forgive me or not :'-(

  24. Hi guys.. i have a question.
    I had a girl frnd and we both liked each other a lot.

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  25. i am in a relation from 6 years he's my relatve also we love each other
    ............

    (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

  26. I agree with stranger

    My advice will be to marry each other NOW this will show how much you really love each other plus it wont be based on a sin

  27. i am very thankful to all my Muslims brothers and sisters, who shared their stories and experience to keep there Muslims fellows away from sin.

    (I deleted the rest of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  28. assalaamwalekum....i have been
    (Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  29. Aslamm,
    I have a girlfriend who ive known for 3 years ....

    (Remainder of question deleted. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  30. Assalam walaikum... I m engaged to my cousin.. I just wanted to knw dat my fiance n i meet fews times in a year as v stay far away from each other... Wenevr my fiance cums he french kisses me whch i m nt gud at doing at all n v r going to get married aftr 4 yrs... Is french kissing with my fiance acceptable in islam?? Plz help

    • Angelsara,

      Getting engaged does not make anyone Halaal for you. This man is still a non Mahram, just like any other non Mahram man.

      Kissing is not acceptable for this reason. You have sinned. You need to give it up immediately, feel guilty for having done it, and resolve never to do it again.

      As an expiation, you need to sincerely offer two Raka'aat of Salatut Tawbah and seek Allah forgiveness. I say this because Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said the same thing to one of the Sahaabah.

      If you still have doubts or have any other query, please login and submit your question separately.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  31. i hv done sex wid my frnd nd now how to avoid dis

    • amna, break off all contact with your friend. Make a sincere tawbah to Allah, and do not repeat this act. If you need more detailed advice then please log in and write your question as a separate post, and provide more details.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  32. Hi,
    The sex before marriage is 'HARAM' or illicit.there is a right time for every moment , you wait till marriage and do act accordingly.Love is a natural which can not be controlled but eagerness of sex can be controlled by men/women.you have a right to do only after marriages.

  33. I had a girlfriend when I was in school. She was junior to me. I love(d) her a lot and she too. After the my school I joined in a college and there I met a girl senior to me. we became friends.

    Now she loves me as a brother . she is religious than me. When she knew that I am in love with someone she told me to leave my girlfriend,it is not allowed in Islam. I knew that it is not allowed in Islam. Yet I loved . It was impossible for me to leave her, because my girl love me that much. but I never had sex with her nor kiss.

    She went to my girl friend and told her to forget me. And promised her she will do any help for our marriage(Nikaah).

    now my love dont contact me, but I know she is waiting for me.

    I leaved her to marry herself. I still hope I can.

  34. aslam o alaikum my brother and sisters.........i have a question that can we see sex videos,sexy girls videos,before marriage.......please reply me

    • Ahad, Wa Alaikum as Salam,

      No it is not allowed. It is haraam for you to do so.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • @Ahad

      no you can't see those things before marriage or after marriage.

      Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

      “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts). That is purer for them. Verily, Allaah is All‑Aware of what they do.

      _______________

      you should fear Allah.

      you should not watch those dirty things.
      Always bear in mind that Allah is watching you and can see what you are doing at all times.
      and
      Whoever gives up something for the sake of Allah, Allah will compensate him with something better than it.
      __________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  35. aslam-o-alaikum my brothers and sisters.........i had to ask that can we make a girlfriend in the sense of friend not in other sense......

    • @ahmer-

      Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

      No, you can't my bro.

      free mixing between men and women who are non mahram to each other is not allowed.

      Why did you ask this ?

      __________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  36. I have fallen in love with my cousin from several years, but neither she nor i ever discuss about our mutual affairs. One month ago i finally expressed my feelings and she too told me about her affairs for me. (Remainder of the comment has been deleted)

    • Siraj, Assalamualaikum,

      Please login and submit your question as a separate post. In sha Allah, we will publish it in turn.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  37. I am natasha yousaf i had been in a very serious relation since a year the guy left me due to some misunderstandings . I dont know i am very depressed i feel like going close to Allah .When i pray it makes me feel good and light. I want to have relief in my life some kind of peace that remains constant . I am very out dated as in i do wear jeans i have male friends even i dated my boy friend we met eachother etc but now i feel like going close to God and i want to read some articles or books i which there are some punishments or details about being in a relationship, meeting a guy, wearing jeans etc so that fear remains constant in my heart please help me what shall i do ?

    • natasha, read the Quran, and do your prayers. Also see our series on fornication (links at the top of the page). It is good to have fear of Allah in your heart, and you should also try to cultivate gratitude to Allah, and love for Allah - a desire to please Him and obey.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • @natasha yousaf -

      check this link see if you can find here what you are looking for..

      abdurrahman . org/women/index.html

      _________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  38. Salaams,

    Please log in and submit your question as a separate post, with as much details as you can provide so that we can properly advise you in shaa Allah.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  39. Hello gys...im here between you to share my probm and solution too...iwas searchin on net my question so I got this page and really liked ur discussion...my problem is that I'm a widow since 3 years..i was doing good in life and I try to follow Islam in every aspect of life ..i never thought to get married again.,.but for sometime I met a person who helped me alot in diif prob and I felt that I fell in love with him but trying to hide from him..he used to advise me that I should try to find a guy and remarry..and he said otherwise spend time with him to rejoyce my life ...shoul I ask him for nikkah or just refuse his request for friendship...he is about 60 years old..married and very rich person..im 39 yers old now and I can take burden my life by myself

    • Salaams,

      There is no intimate friendship or companionship between men and women in islam. Either pursue a marriage with him, or let him go. If you need further advice please login and submit your question as a separate post.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  40. Of course it is a sin

  41. ...

    [Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  42. mai pakistani...

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