Abused by my father, and now by my husband, and I am almost insane
assalaam alaikum to all
i am a 26 year old girl who's been married past 15 months. I am a girl with a mental disorder because my father used to abuse me when I was younger.
But it is only my husband now, and he does it very rarely, but when he does, he hurts me very badly. He punches me, pulls my hair, but this has been going on since I came here. And because of this, I am, in a way, quite twisted.
Ever since i got married my inlaws gave me a tough time. As a child growing, I had a tough life as my sister got divorced when i was still in school, my brother had heart attacks... dad is a very violent person very strict with us... i used to obey my father always but he is unnecessarily strict... and orders all the time.. everyone in my family and outside the family is scared of my dad. but i know he's the best when he cares..
But because of my dad's excessively violent nature and restrictions i fell into an immature and stubborn state of emotions where i got involved with my husband in an affair before marriage and then forcibly convinced my parents to allow me to marry the guy i want... also my dad had given up on life 10 years ago when my sister got divorced so he was not bothered if i am going to the right house...
Therefore i felt the need to get independent and the best way out was to get married... but unfortunately i got married into a very very very bad family.. to a guy who's lying 24x7.. as he thinks my family is gonna shower him with money and houses... but reality is that my dad has no money now.. we had a huge list of troubles in our lives... i discontinued my bds 2nd year since i got married... as i hate my college atmosphere which has religious differences... i use to do hijab and they dnt like it so i was boycotted by the staff... i thought i will be free once i get married to the guy who loves me... but he never loved me he loved the money which he thought we had... and when he found no money he along with his family started to torture me.
My husband has just finished his mis(mba) from usa... n i live with him alone now... earlier when i came to USA as a dependent i stayed at my husband's sister's house for a month , god... she showed me hell in 15 days... as i didnt know cooking at all... i learned cooking as fast as i can to keep my husband happy and healthy.. we moved from her house after a month of fights n torture.. she is 39 years ald n compares herself with me... i hate her and always laugh at her immaturity...
anyway.. now the only way out of this trouble i thought would be to earn money myself so that i wont be a burden on my husband as he was counting the money which he spends on groceries.. my husband fights with me all the time and warns me that he will divorce me n asked me to leave and he's creating a scene each time so that i should leave him myself. he's been repeating about divorce for many times now.. as he is looking for a citizen girl who has a green card... n till then he is using me as a slave to cook for him and earn money for him and satisfy his needs ... ya ALLAH help me... i am in such pain...
i also was forced to have an abortion after 3 months of marriage... n my husband is not planning to keep me as his wife as i dnt have a green card...
imagine, i cook, i earn money, i clean the house, i wash his clothes, i never made anything more than a cup of tea b4 marriage n now he made me a servant in one year of married life.. plzz give me advice on what to do?? i am alone in USA with my husband suffering beyond tolerance.. any advice is appreciated.. may ALLAH have mercy on all..ameen.. otherwise i will commit suicide....
I am anti-social, paranoid, angry, depressed, and I have the darkest thoughts. I involuntarily think of ways to kill people. And they're very imaginative... Because of my parents, I believe that there is no good in this world, and because of my husband, I hate humans. I honestly do.
When I am severely angry or severely upset, I am dangerous. I can seriously hurt someone. But I reach the limit of my insanity, and I'm someone I can't even recognize. I am suicidal. I want to drug, smoke and drink myself to death (but I have never done any of this).i tried it though, I harm myself, harm others, attempt suicide, scream, shout,abuse everyone or anyone i see but inside my brain not on their face,slap myself, break things, and worst of all, I i insult ALLAH and islam.
Because of this burden, I've lost my faith in Allah, humanity, myself, happiness in fact in everything. I have no hope, no ambition, no motivation. People always say that atheism is happiness, but I am more unhappier than I have ever been in my life. I went from a faithful good Muslim to a hateful sadistic misanthrope.
i want to get a divorce in an Islamic way but i dont know how.. i need some help any women's welfare organizations who can contact me directly... guide me and show me different ways..
Please help. I'm so scared that I might succeed in committing suicide next time.
- drpinni
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AOA, It is very sad to know how life has been treating you, but please dont give up, cause hardships are always there in life for everyone. dont indulge yourself into harnful activities which your mind and your heart says are wonrg. Connect with Allah, as always, cause he is always there to listen, to give peace of mind and to do what even that there is the best for you...try...try again and try hard...trust me things will change and you will have a better life. InshAllah...my prayers are with you.
Allah bless u and guide you.
Faisal
Asalaam alaikum Sister Drpinni,
I am sorry that you feel such pain and helplessness, but Alhamdulillah, you are reaching out for help which is the Mercy of Allah (swt). Also, be grateful that you are in the U.S., as women services are plentiful, though getting you help depends on which State you live in and how fast it can be accessed. All shelters for women specialize in assisting domestic abuse victims, so they can help you find treatment and can give you a safe place to stay. Again, Alhamdulillah, you are working, so this is a very good step in getting you to safety and out on your own.
The third weblink is a list of woman services from across the United States. Find your State and someone can try to help you. Also, please read the first weblink as it will provide advice about safely using the internet and how to get away from your husband's abuse. From your description, there is nothing I can recommend other than to leave him completely.
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/
http://www.thehotline.org/
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
Read this post on a similar issue where other sisters who endured abuse have also commented.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/unstable-harmony/
I also wanted to share this link for people who are unaware that couple counseling is NOT recommended for abusive relationships such as these.
http://www.thehotline.org/2011/12/rhobh-recap-taylor%E2%80%99s-therapy-why-we-don%E2%80%99t-recommend-it/
Follow the links professor X has given .
You need to get out now and seek counselling asap .
may Allah help you.
Sister leave the U.S and go back to your fathers house, hopefully a change will help you and get these horrible thought's out of your head, and surround yourself with good practising Muslims.
Salam sister,
I truly feel your pain reading your post. You are going through trials which i cant imagine and i wish i can help you but right now i want to pray that Allah SWA makes things easy for you and show you happiness 100 times better than the hardship you are going through.Ameen.
I agree with the advice given that you need to help yourself by getting out of this situation and getting assistance. I know in our culture divorce is considered to be a death penalty for girls but do try to understand
marriage itself should be a source of happiness. Our parents want us to get married because they want to see us happy. If marriage itself is a source of extreme distress there is no point of continuing this torture.
As for your husband if he doesnt want to have children with you and will go as far as having you abort the childen Astaghfirulah he has no feelings for you whatsoever and wants to use/abuse you. Even abused animals run away from the abuser and your a human.
Please pray to Allah SWA He is truly able to do all things, He has solutions to all our problems.
He is the Creator and there is NO THING that He cannot do! Our Lord is the Lord of the worlds.
Believe in Him.
May Allah have mercy on you.
I am sorry to hear this... We seem to have somewhat a similar problem. If you would like to talk with me about it you can e-mail me.
sister its very depressing to hear this but trust me no1 is happy in life
It is so hard to earn happiness then money what i can suggest is u shud try to beautyify urself( i know u wud be the most beautiful girl ) still try to come closer to ur husband make him happy by cooking new food & presenting it to him in the nicest way with a big smile on ur face with ur loving attitude mane him like u in the first instance if this doesnt work & he doesnt value ur love no matter what then firmly say how he wud feel if u do same if in case he hits in USA u can dial 911
If u really love him then make him feel it & value it otherwise sister my next advice is (if u r strong and have no sexual desires ) then stay alone make new friends make new relationships but domt ask for divorce till he gives it himself dont even do things to make him divorce u & try to give it another chance i mean if u wish to stay with him
if u no longer wish to stay then live ur life as u want & stay at ur friends house for 5 days if pissible b4 going do ur level best to serve him in ur absence he might miss u & call u if u want my help I m in Jersey u can come to my house & 1 thing more dont assume things till he says himself may be he isnot looking for a girl for green card but is looking cos u appeared messed up whenever he entered house ? or may be he found u complaing each time he saw u ? remember Guys r visual creatures buy nice dresses for urself have facials & dye ur hair give urself a different look beautify urself talk in a soft accent keep smiling cook new things & say:- i tried it for u only cos remember u told me b4 marriage that u love to eat pasta ? (just an example)
wear silky dress of his favourite color & remind him of a place u met b4 marriage in the same colored dress every now & then keep reminding him of ur past life cos its might possible that he still loves y but since life is changed situation is changed ur attitude is changed so the whole senario is changed & the only thing he thinks about is separation upon seeing u in this state each time he comes to u ( even if he doesnt wirk he would go out with friends perhaps neways take ur beautiful apron cook food in it present food to him & say Chef 's Chicken Pasta
do cute things like putting ur pictures in frame hanging Ur clip with his jeans & stuff like that if he has heart m 129% sure he will return to u if he doesnt take a wise decision dont dont rush & give him some distance he will b attracted towards u
Do NOT leave the USA , this is America and you can actually get permission to stay and become a citizen because you have been abused! they will help you go to school and their is shelters , you have no children it will be easy!! do not leave America find a womans shelter and then start searching a abused womans center that deal with immigration, but please do not go to your father that abused you, this is America and the help abused woman! even at first you are uncomfortable in a shelter and suffering and alone, you will be fine !! they will help you find counseling and everything else you need good luck to you , do not give up.