My mother denied his proposal for me and tried to kill me when I said I love him
Love in Islam
I'm a muslim girl and i live in an Arab country.
In my country pride comes before even Allah... Unfortunately it is true... I feel so ashamed of my people. They might commit a crime and kill a Muslim brother if they feel he is responsible of loosing the pride of the family.
I was so depressed in my youth. My mum always lied to me and used every twisted way to make me her mirror. I lived, studied and did everything according to what she want me to be, and without fear of Allah she is now again preventing me from marrying the guy I love.
Pure love is not haram in Islam. It is what is between me and the guy I love.
He was a Christian guy and he is form another country, but when he learned about islam he converted.
The guy is so good, he has the morals of Islam and he is willing to do everything to marry me. He travelled twice to my country to beg my mother to marry me but she always says I brought her shame because of him. She only thinks what the people will say and she wants me to marry someone else by force.
I really don't know what to do..
My mother is so aggressive.. She tried to kill me twice though I never did anything haram and I want to marry the guy I love and I want this to be halal... I know this might be hopeless..
But the guy i love told me he won't stop asking for my hand even if they killl him....... I'm so lost
~ Marianna
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As Salamualaikum,
In this reply, I am considering that the boy concerned is religious and is perfectly compatible with you. If he is not religious, this (the below) will not apply, as he won't be the perfect one for you.
First of all, you should look for some external party among your relatives, to speak to your mother and convince her, if it doesn't work, then the following:
Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that there will be tribulation in the land and a great deal of corruption.”
Here, your father should come into picture.
Sister, why don't you talk to your father? He is your Wali and he will conduct your marriage. But if he refuses with unsatisfactory reasons, then I have the following words from the Scholars:
If the guardian refuses to marry his daughter (or female relative under his care) to a compatible man with whom she is pleased, then he is regarded as preventing her from marriage, and guardianship passes to the next closest male relative, then to the qaadi (judge).
Allah says:
“do not prevent them from marrying” [al-Baqarah 2:232]
So if she wants to marry a specific person who is compatible, and he wants to marry her to someone else who is also compatible, and refuses to marry her to the one she wants, then he is preventing her marriage. But if she asks to marry someone who is not compatible, then he has the right to prevent her from doing that, and he is not (willfully) preventing her in that case. Al-Mugni (9/383).
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If the guardian refuses to arrange the marriage of a woman to a suitor who is compatible in terms of his religious commitment and good character, then guardianship passes to the next closest male relative on the father’s side, then the next closest. If they refuse to arrange her marriage, as usually happens, then guardianship passes to the shar’i judge, and the shar’i judge should arrange the woman’s marriage. If such a case comes to him and he knows that the woman’s guardians refused to arrange her marriage, then he is obliged to arrange her marriage, because he has general guardianship so long as family guardianship was not achieved.
The fuqaha’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) mentioned that if the guardian repeatedly refuses compatible suitors, then he becomes a faasiq (evildoer) as a result; he is no longer regarded as being of good character and his guardianship is waived.
(islamqa. Read this for more: islamqa.com/en/pda/ref/islamqa/98110)
But sister, if he is not religious or is not compatible with you and your father makes this clear, then you should ask the man to go and probably consider someone else who is compatible with you.
And Allah Knows Best
I believe your mother gets angry soon. This is why the evil reaction. May Allah save her.
I pray that Allah gives you the perfect match
Aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear who told you that Pure love is not haram? What type of pure love you are talking about? your parents are experienced but you are not, so you should follow them. He might be fake from religion point of view. You live in a good country so please follow our religion properly.
pure love is not haram so please don't complicate things. my parents married after loving each other. and i am following my religion preperly. who are you to judge me anyways
Sister marianna,
You are probably mistaten. What do you mean by pure love?
Any relation with any non Mahram before you get married to him is Haraam. Plus, if you like someone, then marriage is the only way out. Otherwise, keeping any contact with that person is Haraam.
In your case, you said you love him. Then marriage is the way out. Meeting him is not allowed for you as per Islam.
Please consider the advise I have above. If he is not Religious, then you should part from him because he is not made for you.
My sister, do not think I am judging you in any way. You might have mistaken, I am just making it clear so that you know the truth.
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
thanks you bother, my reply was not for you it was for the other post. all you said was relieving.. as for the guy, i'm not meeting with him. i'm waiting the chance to talk to my father and see what will he say.. thank you again for your advice
gazaka allahu khairan
Everyone is missing a crucial point here, which is that the sister says her mother tried to KILL her twice.
Marianna, can you elaborate on this please? Do you mean it literally? She truly tried to end your life? What did she do exactly?
If this is true, then sister Marianna you must get out of that household immediately. Marry this man who is seeking your hand (you can get someone else to act as Wali, for example an Imam), and move far away from your parents. Do not let them know your location, and cut off all contact with them.
Normally I would never give such advice, since in Islam we must respect our parents, and maintain family ties. But in this case your parents have abandoned their obligations and violated all human and legal norms. You must seek your own safety before all else.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
asalamu alaikum,
i cant believe what im reading, your mother tried to kill you? how could a parent take away their beloved child just cos of pride and shame? i fear for your safety. i think you should flee from your household.
please keep us posted regarding your situation.
ma salama
my situation is so hard since i was a child. this is not the first time i get abused. even when i was choosing what to study in university my mum beat me so hard cause i didn't wanna choose the field she wanted and she forced me into what she wants. I can't flee from my houshold i will bring my father shame.. even if my mother is an evil person my father is a good person.. i pray to god tht he sees what is true.. i will try all i can to marry this guy because he made me feel safe.. and i will be patient for my mother's act..
as for what my mother did to kill me.. she beat me then she tried to choke me.. for the second time. I swear i only asked her to meet the guy i love with my dad in our house and only try to judge him.. i didn't ask her for anything else.. i wanted her to see his goodness but she didn't accept to do it...
i thought a lot about escaping but i really cant imagine what might happen to my father when he finds out.. it's a really hard desicion..
sister,
May Allah reward you for what you have chosen. I mean "patience for your mother's act". And I appreciate your respect and love for your father. Your mother may not be liking you for some reason, since your childhood.
Do not talk about this to your mother. If she did not let you choose what to study, how will she let you choose who to marry?
You said your father is a good person. Keep him in confidence, make him meet the boy without your mother's knowledge and let him enquire into his Religiousness and let him check how serious he is about you. Then let him decide on how to proceed further, keeping in mind your mother's behavior.
I hope it helps
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Even though your mother is doing something bad, you should never call her evil. She bore you. Without her you would not of lived. She carried you for 9months and risked her life to bare you and you call her evil. Really think about what you think and say about your mother.
This is a test from Allah and if you though outside the box then you would appreciate this.Everything only happens by will of Allah, and everything is a test. And it is how you deal with it will determine the outcome.
If you have islamic knowladge you will know your wali needs to give permission for you to marry, stufy leave the house etc. And you said your relationship with him is good. Why do you not go out alone with him and speak with him?
Perhaps suggest to him that you stay with family member until this is sorted. And even take a break away from this christian man you been seeing. To reconnect with Allah.
Asalam waliykum,
I know you say you love him. but really In Islam permissible love is between husband and wife. Anything outside of this is LUST which shiytan has tricked you into. How did you meet him?
perhaps you should of met suiters your family suggest rather then meet men yourself which is a cause of fitnah and breaks up families.
She is your mother regardless and are you willing to throw your whole family away for a guy? You lust for him, i can imagine i was there too myself not long ago. No real love out of marriage.
So this lust is powerful becuase shiytan wants you to commit haram and break up your family.
Take some time away talk with your mother and talk to her about marriage and who she suggests. Meet men she chooses and see if they wuit with you. LOVE will grow after marriage if you are compatiable and attracted love will grow.
Allah says in the Quran he places love and mercy between spouces! That means MARIIED couples not honry singletons. He places love for those married. So there is not love out of Marriage Allah has made that clear in Quran. Love is given as a gift to married couples. After nikkah when you are permissible for one another.
You need to relaize your family parents are more important. If you got divourced one day from this man... you be alone.
Think about all this
I'm sorry but meet people she chooses for me?
I won't reply to you since you didn't get anything i said. yes my mother is evil, she bore me but then she said i wish you die you should never have been born.. so much time when she said go out of this house though i was the one helping her with everything, the only one praying in this house, the only one shutting up when she shouts! she treated me less than a dog. topld me i'm not worth it, i'm never gonna be a good girl ever, how do you think you can judge my mother? i have another post that is still pending i hope you read it, my mother has NPD and if your mother had NPD i think you would have killed yourself already, I've endured so much, the guy who proposed to me is NOT christian, he is muslim now and he has a heart better than a lot of muslims, he didn't mistreat me in any way, never wanted me in the other way like you think (lust) if it was lust he would sleep with me and leave me wouldn't he? if he was a christian like you say
my father turns to my mum side so fast, she made him her servant, he doesn't decide anything in his house, no matter he's good, anything we want in this house she's the one that decides it
my mum lied to me twisted my thoughts so many times, betrayed me, how can i ever trust her
Sister marianna,
I understand what you are going through. But your mother has a disorder, as you mentioned. Do not have her. Just have patience. Do not marry a man you do not like, but do not hate your mother. Give her all the respect you can. You do not need to obey her in everything she says.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister,it is really sad to hear about your situation, but you should know that Al-Hamdulillah, your situation is far far much better comparatively to others.
As between parents the mother has more rights than the father. The reason is apparent. Mother has borne the child’s burden during pregnancy, has undergone birth pains in delivering the baby, has sacrificed her own comforts to provide comfort to her children, has looked after them and felt worried for their well-being. That is why mother deserves our good treatment more than the father. A Tradition of the Prophet (PBUH) tells us that a Companion asked the Prophet, “ Who deserves my good treatment most?” “Your mother”, said the Prophet. “Who next?” “Your mother”. “Who next?” “Your mother”. “Who after that?” “Your father”. This means that the mother deserves three times more good treatment from her children than the father deserves. Another Tradition wants us to extend kind treatment to close relations on the mother’s side also (even to her friends). A famous Hadith (Tradition) says, “Paradise lies under the feet of the mother”. This means doing good to our mother lead us to Paradise.
I must tell you mother that cursing or physically torturing is prohibited in Islam and has warnings, and whatever she is doing isn't good at all. But what to worry about, since Masha'Allah, you're sensible, respectful and kind to you mother and you fear Allah, then lets work on to get a good solution. You're already suffering, so keep this suffering aside, what good it is to just try making her a good mom? The only thing is your intention So, Insha'Allah, you're going to build a good relation with your mom ONLY for Allah and in order to fulfill the command of Allah. (one must obey his/her parent even if they're Mushrik, WHY? not because they're our parent ONLY because it is command of Allah to obey them). So, irrespective of her bad/worst behavior just be nice to her, WHY? because you're going to do it for Allah and you know that Allah is going to reward you and no one else. In a way, you're lucky to get this chance to work hard (in treating mom kindly), and to get Jannah, Insha'Allah.
Inshallah, because you're innocent. I'm quite sure that you can do it, just have faith in Allah and you'll see difference yourself. If you've time then try to recite Surah Baqarah with intention of family union.
thank you brother waseem and sister nadia.. I'm really sorry if i went raging but I'm sometimes not able to deal with it alone. it's hard when you know when nothing you ever want is going to be granted to you.. but you are right i should be patient, thank you for reminding me.
Doesnt anyone care about breaking the law,attacking another human is a criminal offense,people go to jail for attempted murder,someone so dangerous should not be allowed out in society!