Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His parents won’t let him marry me.

Hello Zawaj community,

I have been talking to this guy for a little over a year now, for the purpose of marriage, and we had decided to have our families meet a few months after we had started. Our intention was always to get married and to do nikkah as soon as possible- to avoid any haram relationship. His family is very traditional, religious, and seem to have a very high status amongst their friends/family. I, on the other hand, come from a well-off, family of divorce.

Due to some immigration issues, my father was sent back to Bangladesh, and my mom had to raise me and my sister on her own. Eventually, due to family pressures, my mom remarried. My family is not very religious, and are a little less traditional than his. I, however, am much more religious and traditional than they are, because I have been very involved in the Muslim/Bengali community my whole life.

His parents' main concern after meeting us was "what will we tell people" (meaning about my broken family) if he and I were to get married. Because of that being a weak case, overtime they have come up with other hypothetical reasons for why I would not be a good addition into his life, i.e. if I am mentally stable because of my familial situation/abandonment issues/etc. (Not true, I am a recent college graduate with a flourishing social life, and Ive never had any issues in regard to my mental stability.) My parents are fine with the marriage, but after seeing how his parents were, warned me about post-marital life with judgmental in-laws, if this were to work out.

He has been arguing with them and trying to convince them for a year now. He even involved other family members, however, they have stuck to their decision. He tells me that all he needs is time, and that when they see he is unable to find anyone for himself better than me, they will eventually agree. The amount of 'time' is never specified, but it seems it may be a while.

My only issue is that, there is no guarantee, and I am growing more and more attached to him every day. I have been praying istikhara, and I am unsure of the results. Things between the two of us continue to work out on a mental/emotional level. However, his parents are not budging.

My question to you all would be, should I take this as a sign to implement 'sabr' and wait it out to see if they end up agreeing, or should I take this as a sign of Allah trying to keep me away from the marriage.

JazakAllah, for your time.

EPC94

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9 Responses »

  1. Why would you want to be with a family in which they don't want you as a bride? I would take it as a sign from Allah and move on

  2. I am facing a similar situation, except with the roles reversed - my parents are the ones who refuse to accept the proposal of a boy who comes from a broken home, due to a fear of "what would people think."

    While initially I completely surrendered to my parents' wishes and prayed relentlessly to Allah for a lot of sabr and courage to accept my parents' decision - over time I grew more and more restless and disturbed with the situation. During this time I cut off all contact with the person I was interested in marrying and did not communicate with him at all. I prayed istikhara and tahajjud regularly with the intention of moving on and making peace with the situation, however, after some time I was absolutely unconvinced of my parents' reasons. I am no scholar, I am an imperfect Muslim, trying to be closer to Allah and doing right by my religion. I am convinced that as long as the man I wish to marry is of good faith and I become closer to Allah for the sake of marrying him, then arguments that stem from people's opinions of your choice, are completely invalid and not motivated by Islamic logic at all.

    I am trying to convince my parents of allowing me to marry this person, while praying to Allah fervently for granting me success in my hajat. I am hopeful of Allah's mercy and power, since Allah looks at niyat too. My advice to you would come off across as emotionally charged and a little immature, but as someone who can empathize with your situation, I would say have faith in Allah, keep praying for a favorable outcome, and keep praying for Allah to soften your friends' parents hearts to accept you. Meanwhile, if you are confident and completely sure of the strength of your relationship with this person, have faith, but limit your communication with him - being overly attached causes more heartache, and creates desperation. Keep in touch but hours and hours of conversation and meetings will not help at a time when your future with him is not very certain. More than anything, keep praying, pray for a better outcome for yourself and him, and your families, pray for a prosperous worldly life and a successful hereafter.

    I hope Allah creates ease for you. Let me know if this helps.

  3. Why would a grown man need his parents "permission" to marry a woman who he loves and is of a good character and has a good family and education behind her! So what if you have a "past" as such,in this day n age most normal grown up people do! I think he is bring childish to let his family make his decisions for him,it sounds like one of two things to me,one..hr has no backbone or self esteem/automy to make his own decisions.. Two.. He is controlled and manipulated so much by them that he feels he has to please them to the detriment of his own happiness and thus is messing with your heart and head and making pathetic excuses because he wants you but he also can't find the balls to tell his manipulative old fashioned backward thinking family his true feelings.You can wait until he decides to grow a pair and man up, or you can just do what me and my now Muslim husband did and elope and get married without his families "permission" or knowledge! But that all depends on him..would he be prepared to risk that? U can't just sit and wait for something to happen, if you truly love him as I did my now husband, you must pursue and persuade! Never give up on the one you love,if its meant to be, trust me it Will happen! Just DONT give up 🙂

    • I totally agree. A man can marry in Islam without the parents permission anyway. It is the women who needs her walis consent, and in the Hanafi school, even that is not needed if certain conditions are met. And may I remind that the Prophet himself married a divorcee: Zaynab bint Jahsh. So having a divorce in the family can`t be that bad.

  4. I am facing exactly the same problem now, we both are well educated PhD scholars but his parents are too traditional and uneducated, their rejection is just because I have different caste.

    My personal opinion is move on girl. If it has to happen it will find its way in some other way. But STOP talking to him completely, this is what I am doing these days (however I know its hard). There are two reasons behind this advice:

    1. We face difficulty only when we go away from the path given by Allah SWT. Before when you people were talking to each other, your intentions were pure as you were thinking about marriage only (not knowing his family's state of mind), but now the situation is more clear and future is more uncertain and most probably it will be a NO (u should accept it). So its completely wrong to talk to a guy who most probably will leave you saying I am sorry, and its chances are very much. Think about it, if he said No after one year or two, what will you do, will you be able to overcome it after talking (attaching) so much?
    So if you just cutoff things willl become better In Sha Alla (Your time is running, your family could find some other guy for you. A much better guy and you will be much more happier, this guy might just be a test for you).

    Remember with every difficulty there is ease.
    And you never know what is Allah's plan; Indeed HIS plan are best. Just pray for yourself and be neutral towards him.

    2. If they aren't accepting you right now means they are unable to understand their own son's feelings towards you and the guy is unable to make them understand too that he loves you. What you will expect from such a family? I might be too harsh but he is a coward, if he can't stand for you right now (most important issue for your lives) think there will be so many times/occasions/issues after marriage when you will be needing him but he will be under his parents control completely. You will be always be looked down upon by them.
    I doubt whether you will be having any freedom or your rights as they will always be ruling you both in your family matters. He might be a good son talking care of his parents but what he is doing with you?

    Don't think from your heart only involve your mind as well. It might be looking to you that after marriage everything will be alright and there's just one issue of their rejection only. By believe me I have seen many people issues multiply after marriage.
    Marriage is something which should bring happiness among couples and among their families as well. But if you are marrying by forcing/ arguing then it will hurt his parents and spoil his relation with his parents as well, which probably result in spoiling your relation with him.

    And obviously they are his parents, they might not be understanding him but he must be loving them very much. Parents suffer and sacrifice so much for their children, grow them educate them; and it will never be good that they grow up into adults saying I am leaving you in old age just far a girl. You yourself will never wish him to leave them and stay with you. So I will never advice to run away as well.

    So the only choice is just LEAVE. He is not be a good choice to go for right now.
    Time recovers everything. engage yourself somewhere else.

    Obviously Allah knows best ,
    Just have faith in Him.
    And Pray Hard.

    And pray for me as well.
    Take Care
    Allah Hafiz

    • Completely agree with muslimah16!! Move on! He will always put you after his parents and they will ruin and run your marriage. It will be unhealthy and there will be no boundaries as he doesn't have a spine.

  5. Dear Sister,

    I m also from Bangladesh. My marriage was supposed to be with my e-fiyance. But from he very first meeting in online, his family was not happy to accept me. And later, the issue between us went wrong.He was committed more than me. But in practical, he broke commitment and me badly deadly. Although all, I was trying to solve the issue but finally when we meet in Bangladesh for marriage he and his family refused for marriage. I took several attempts but he refused and in January he got married with someone else according to their family and his choice in bd. He broke me. He is married now with someone else. and Allah does not punish those persons or their family.Since 8 months i am fighting against depression. Situation is worse now. my survival issues are going down. A lot of counselling and attempt to keep me busy in something are not good enough for me now. I prayed and still i do astagfirullah. But nothing is working as per expectation.

    Sister, I told you my story to understand how a broken heart's life could be. most of the man have no heart indeed. They are the most selfish person in the world. And their family are more than them. Do not take any decision from heart, use your brain and your family's opinion. at the end your family will be with you. Sometime, people marry against family but it is really tough to survive within that relationship without family concern. And finally, Allah is the ultimate power. If Allah thinks it will happen and good for you, then it will. neither it will not. And the people who refuse to accept someone or to respect someone, it may not work in future. Man act that particular female is their life at particular time. But its a fraud activity at most of the time. it will really tough if ur man's family do not want you from heart for sack of allah. So think and pray..take time..

  6. Assalaamualaykum EPC94,

    You write:

    "I, on the other hand, come from a well-off, family of divorce" and "(meaning about my broken family)."

    I think it would be helpful for you sister to first come out of the mindset that you come from a "broken family." Your family is different, not broken, and it has made you a stronger person to survive such a situation. That should make you more desirable for marriage, not less, and it sounds like your interest may appreciate that more than his parents.

    As far as whether you should implement "sabr," or take it as a sign to move on, you know yourself and your capabilities best, and you should base your decision on that. Are you the kind of person who tries her best with everything she desires, but is able to move on if it doesn't work out and see the positives in the situation regardless, even if it is after years of trying? Or are you the kind of person who would see the waiting period as having been a waste of time and energy if you don't get the results you seek? Only you can answer that, and you should definitely trust that insight into yourself and go with it!

    Best,

    Nor

  7. Dear Sister me too from Bangladesh and from a broken family, your problems makes me concern too!, Actually the reality is not that his parents is concern about your broken family, if suppose your mother had $1 billion property his family would even asked anything about your parents?, our culture and society money means everything, our parents will never cares which person we are getting married, they only care about the how much money the boy or girl have or even what's the position of their parents in the society, because if groom's family have high respect in the society they the bride's parents can show off to their relatives and friends! same thing is applicable for bride's family, this is a very ill competition is going on in our society! who cares relatives if anyones son or daughter is unhappy with their married life? Is any relative or friends can make happy to someone's daughter who is unhappy? Your bf's parents are unhappy with you because your parents are divorced but what if, if your parent (mother) were one of the richest person in Bangladesh? Does your bf parents still unhappy with you? absolutely not, because here money is everything, infact sometimes I saw bride/groom guardians direcrly start talking about how much property they have and how much pride they have in the society before talking about education, I also see immigrant (USA,UK,Canada,Australia) groom have greater value than non immgrant groom here in Bangladesh, so we non immigrant guys are robbers or thieves that we are not favourite for brides parents? Actually our both boys/girls family become greedy, may Allah show us the right path Ameen.

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