Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel no emotional or physical attraction to men, but my family is pressuring me to get married. Should I get married, or should I refuse?

Muslim woman
Salam,

 

Ever since I turned 18, my family have been pressuring me to get married. However, I have a problem which I've been struggling with since I was very young.

 

My whole life, I've never felt any attraction to men whatsoever. I've only admitted this to one person, and she didn't believe me, saying I was either lying or confused.

 

I have no emotional, romantic, or physical desire for men. I don't know if there's some kind of psychological or medical reason behind it, but I just don't. I've tried so hard to force myself to feel some kind of attraction to them, knowing I would one day have to get married, but nothing ever worked.

 

I've researched it, and I think I would be considered asexual?

 

I DO want emotional closeness, but it's not possible for me to feel emotional closeness with men. It's like I have some kind of emotional barrier.

 

I've never undergone any trauma, so I don't know why that would be.

 

I never want to have intercourse with a man ever. The idea repulses me and makes me feel sick. I'm not immature. I know that intercourse is a part of human nature, and it's natural, and I don't think there's any problem with it. It's just that personally, I don't think I could bring myself to do it. I would have to force myself. And I know this is bad and somewhat immodest to say, so I'm sorry, but the idea of a naked man really disgusts me so much, and if I was married, I would never ever want to see my husband like that. It doesn't make any logical sense to me why I feel this way, but it's just how I've always been.

 

Everyone always says I'm mature for my age, so it's not a question of immaturity.

 

My parents and family have really been pressuring me to get married and to find a husband. Nobody knows about anything I've mentioned before. I don't want to tell anyone.

 

Firstly, I'm worried they'll misunderstand and take me saying that I have no attraction to men as me saying I have an attraction to women, when that's not what I would be trying to say at all.

 

Secondly, I feel embarrassed to discuss topics like this with my parents, or even just people in general.

 

And thirdly, I'm worried they won't take me seriously and will think that once I'm married, this problem will go away.

 

The only reason I would want to get married is because I don't want to live and die alone without a family. However, I don't think I can get married and force myself to have intercourse with my husband, especially since I would be sinful if I don't fulfill his rights. I think I could force myself to do it maybe once a month, but I don't think any man would be happy with or accept that.

 

The one person that I confided in told me that once I actually get married, I'll feel attracted to my husband and want to have intercourse with him.

 

However, this idea terrifies me as it's too risky. What if I go through with marrying someone, only to discover that I still can't do it or feel any desire for him? And then I'd have to go through a divorce, and the people we know would mock me, look down on me, and talk about me behind my back.

 

I'm facing a real dilemma now on whether to get married or not. I wouldn't mind getting married as long as my husband kept his distance from me, eg. we slept in different beds, he didn't touch me too much, and we didn't have intercourse except very rarely. But, like I said, I don't think any man would agree to this.

 

Any advice? Do you think I should get married or not, and does anyone have any suggestions as to why I'm like this?

 

Please help, any advice would be appreciated. I really don't know what to do.
Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

5 Responses »

  1. You need to get some counselling to discover the reasons behind your asexuality. Its not just trauma that may be causing your lack of attraction. If after all that you still don't feel any attraction or emotional attachment, you need to know there are men out there who don't really want sex that much, so you will be perfect for each other. Of course , the problem would be to find one.

  2. Salaams. You are a young woman who is not interested in men. That is a not an accurate reference, my sincere apologies. The term is asexual. You just are not interested in sex. There is also the possibility that you just have not met someone who you are sexually interested in. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it might be a blessing in disguise, since it is unlikely that you will become infatuated with a young man and then get involved in some kind of haram relationship.

    Some girls start to menstruate when they are 10 or 11 and some do not until they are 14 or 15. Some young girls physically develop at 10 or 11 and some do not until they are 16 or 17 or even 18. I once worked with a 30 year old woman who was still being carded (ID checked) because she actually looked no older than 14, in my view 12. The man she married was often critically stared at when they were out in public because people thought he was dating a child. Sexual behavior can be the same way.

    You might want to talk to a professional medical person about your concerns or just read about asexuality to better understand yourself and to better explain yourself to someone who in the future might be interested in marrying you. Some sexually active people sometimes actually become asexual often because they just don't want to be bothered in all the intrigue, drama and emotional rollercoster foolishness of sexual relationships. Some people become asexual for different reasons, and sex hormones might help to offset those feelings, especially if they ARE married and realize they want their spouse to be sexually happy. Sexual feelings are extremely personal. Everyone is not the same.

  3. You're asexual, and that's okay. I don't think there's any kind of particular reason why someone is asexual.

    There are men in this world who are neither interested in sex and men who don't consider it important and would agree with no sexual activity etc.

    It's possible your family wouldn't take seriously your asexuality if you would tell them. I don't know how do you go marriage discussions in your culture/environment, so would it be possible to tell about this your "thing" to your possible future husbands without your family needing to hear?

  4. You are at a age where perspectives get molded and shape you into an individual person.
    You are too young to completely commit yourself to a person and family life maybe.
    Maybe with passage of time, you may discover more about your self and find it more accepting to get into a marriage.
    I suggest you need to give yourself that time.
    You can spend time on getting a degree, a job etc. Spend quality time with your friends and family members.
    Advise your parents to not actively look for marriage at present.

    I have know few people who were not comfortable of the idea of sex and hence marriage at even 25 years of age, but today she is 28 years old and settled into a happy family life, expecting her first child. So maybe it is not really a problem. However if you think necessary, you may consult a doctor.

  5. i am man and when i was 18 the whole idea of marriage and sex was very bizarre to me now im 28 im thinking about marriage every day. i mean come on maybe you're hormones haven't kicked in yet. give it time your body will balance itself out , i thought i was asexual too but that wasn't the case for me . i remember my friend always making fun of me. and i dont think celebacy would be haram in islam im considering that option too

Leave a Response