Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Backbiting vs verbal abuse

Young woman looking thoughtful, pensive

Assalam-o-Alaikum

I have been the victim of verbal and emotional abuse from my mother and other members of the family to the point where it was no longer bearable. I could not even run away from home specially being a girl. First i tried not to react because that could be sinful but with the passage of time and increasing abuse i became mentally tortured and could no longer think logically. I started reacting and answering and using very harsh words. I was not even allowed to go college and attend classes so was totally isolated and had no friends to share my feelings with. I tried complaining to other family members but they did not pay attention and just said "what can be done?" you cannot change them!

meanwhile, one of my class fellows gave my contact number to a guy as a bet that i will not talk to him.. but i was distressed those days so i started talking to him.. how that happened is a long story. I used to backbite a lot about all my family members who used to abuse me verbally. I used to tell him everything in detail. My elder brother became suspicious about my texting and started spying on me. With the help of his friend he took out the record of all my text messeges and read all of them! its important to mention here that i got romantically involved with that guy too and wanted to marry him but his family refused and he got engaged with his cousin. We also met 2-3 times but did not do anything haram physically. when my brother came to know about this relation he started mocking, teasing and torturing me.. I was already very hurt because of his family's refusal and the fact that he did not try to convince them at all. It was also very depressing to know that my brother had read all those texts. He told everyone at home about those texts and even accused me that i am talking to several other guys although i am not! and he became very suspicious of me even when i hold my cellphone for searching something on internet or talking to my friends.. he thinks i am talking to the guys. We even had a huge fight and i dont even want to see his face now.

The things i am concerned about are:

  1. did my backbiting nullify the effect of their unkind behaviour and its all in balance now or will one of us go to hell for committing a major sin? because their verbal abuse affected me mentally while my backbiting did not have any such effect on them. since the guy never met them and dont know them, will their image be affected?
  2. Will i go to hell and they wont be punished because i backbite them or both of us will be answerable? (my mother also used to backbite me and i also used to answer her when she used to say something bad to me)
  3. was it permissible for my brother to do what he did? sure he had the right  to stop me but isn't it crossing the barrier of my privacy? reading someone's old texts and commenting on them and spying and all.. wont it be considered a sin? there could be other ways to stop me.

I have apologized my mother for backbiting her but not others and i still fell tempted to talk to that guy because it was really consoling to share everything and the response was never negative like ok leave the topic dont backbite them or like try to be happy dont complain everytime and jokes and all. it was positive.. I have also asked my mother to find a spouse for me but she says i cant i dont know anyone and im too shy to say that to my father..

Please tell me what should i do? and sorry for the long post

P.S my father never abused me he is a good man only my mother and brothers.

aimz

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5 Responses »

  1. Salam . Sister Allah is all forgiving ....right upto your last breath !!after that no one can say I believe now ...I'm sorry! THE TEST IS OVER! UNDERSTAND.....MY ADVICE LEARN ISLAM PROPERLY CORRECTLY ...LEARN HE BASICS PRAY SALAH AND MASTER IT AND READ QURAN FOR IT WILL GIVE YOU PEACE N TRANQUILITY AND MUCH MORE.....THE PROBLEMS IN THIS WORLD ARE DUE TO OUR SINS...WE MUST BE OBEDIENT AND SEEK PATIENCE IN AMMALS

  2. ALSO BELIEVERS ARE SUBJECTED TO TESTS IT IS THE LAW....IF YOU WANT PARADISE SURELY WE ALL HAVE TO GO THROUGH TRIALS N TRIBULATION......BUT INSHALLAH WHEN WE WILL COME PARADISE .WE RELIVE THAT HOW PRECIOUS THE TIME WAS IN THIS WORLD.....I BELIEVE IN YOU AND UNDERSTAND BUT BE IN THE COMPANY OF CORRECT PEOPLE .THESE PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE PRACTICING THERE FAITH AND SIT WITH THE ULEMA SCHOLORS! ATTEND THE MOSQUES AND BE A PART OF THE PROGRAMS CAMPS COMMUNITY AND BUILD ON POSITIVITY.....ALSO WE MUST BE PARTICULAR ABOUT HALAL N HARAM ...IN REGARDS TO FOOD MUSIC AND DRESSING....THESE HAVE EFFECT ON HEART BLOOD MIND.....YOU WILL SEE THE DIFFERENCE IN FEELING .......RAMADAN IS COMING SO WE SHOULD PREPARE OURSELVES AND KNOW THE DOES N DON'T. ..AS A SUNNI MUSLIM I WENT THROUGH A LOT ESPECIALLY WHEN I TURNED MUSLUM.

  3. Asalaam Walaikum.

    Don't be shy in such a situation ... Theres no need to be shy. Speak to your father and Insha'Allah it will work out.

  4. i do not know if this is considered slut-shaming or not. but my family members pointed to my clothes which they thought was no modest or appropriate and said "thats for sluts and whores"

    is this slut-shaming? sorry for putting this here i saw that it had to do with the topic of verbal abuse so i thought i'd ask here instead of making a whole post about it and wasting people's time. but it really hurt my feelings when my family did this to me.

    • It is not right for your family to speak to you in that way. They could say, "That outfit is not modest enough for a Muslim girl," then make some constructive suggestion about how you could modify it. But no parents should ever insult their child. It's not kind or helpful.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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