Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother got me married without my consent

game over, bad marriage, suspicion, secret marriage


I am extremely upset and have no choice of living anymore. I love my parents but my dad has always been aggressive - although he is a haji he still is very rude towards his children and wife.

My mum is very soft hearted and I love her so much. She asked me to marry a man from her family side and I did not want to get married to someone from pakistan as I feel their mentality is very different from ours so wanted someone from the UK. Anyway this guy was in Australia and mum said she was advised by her side of family that he is a very nice guy so mum asked me to speak to him once. I did and he  seemed ok but seemed very desperate in a sexual way. I spoke to my mum and said I do not want to marry this guy. Mum was really upset and said "you must - there will be no one else for you to marry". I cried and begged but they were just not wanting to listen and said all sorts of things to me that I don't listen.

I then tried to speak to my dad who said "I cant help you; it's your decision so just say no". I said why couldn't he speak to mum and he said I don't have to marry him but I explained mum is really upset and he did not help me much. Then mum went to Pakistan and said yes to the boy's family as his mum is very ill. I was crying asking my mum why she agreed when I didn't give my consent.

Now i am married to this guy for two years. I have stayed with him only two months but have kept quiet and leaked sometimes that I dont like him. It is because of my parents sake I have not divocred the guy. He told me after 4 days of me coming back to the UK that he can't go back to Australia as his visa will expire. I was so shocked that they hid such a big thing from us. I then came back after 3 weeks and stayed with parents to apply for jobs but it didn't seem to work as the law had changed to 18000 annual salary.

But I no longer want to be in this marriage. Just a week ago I told my dad I don't like him because my husband started talking behind my back but then tells me he has no complaints yet complains about me. He also knows I smoke so he is telling everybody and the reason for this is because I dont want to stay in Pakistan and the way he is has made me hate him. I cant stand the thought of him.

My dad is not speaking to me and said "yes, why don't you put a black mark on our faces you are not a special girl".

Please advise me what to do?


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21 Responses »

  1. please stop smoking.
    Q: Is there any reported Islamic texts in which the Prophet (peace be upon him) prohibited smoking?

    A: There is no Nas (Islamic text from the Qur’an or the Sunnah) reported specifically in this regard, but smoking is one of the evil unlawful things included in the general meaning of Allah’s Statement: ...(and prohibits them as unlawful Al-Khabâ’ith (i.e. all evil and unlawful as regards things, deeds, beliefs, persons and foods)Quran 7:157 It is harmful and therefore falls under the Hadith: ( There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm)Ibn Majah, Sunan, Book on judgments, no.2340; and Ahmad, Musnad, vol. 5, p.327 Moreover, spending money on harmful evil things is Haram (prohibited), because it is a kind of wasting money; therefore, it is included in the general meaning of Allah’s statement: (Verily, the spendthrifts are brothers of the Shayâtîn (devils), and the Shaitân (Devil-Satan) is ever ungrateful to his Lord.)Quran 17:27 It wastes money and the Prophet (peace be upon him) prohibited squandering money.

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad, his family and Companions!

    Permanent Committee for Scholarly Research and Ifta’

    Source: Fatwas of the Permanent Committee

    • Yet again, what you pick out as the most important details of people's problems to comment on are beyond me. This girl is trapped in a forced marriage, yet your concern is cigarettes? How about posting hadiths about how forced marriages are invalid...

    • Abdullah, this is not a helpful answer. She is trapped in a coerced marriage and the only think you can find to say is, "stop smoking." How will that solve her marriage problem?

      Wael Editor

      • As much as I think this is very random and I did not think smoking was a big issue in her problem I think that brother Abdullah really didn't know how to give advice concerning her marital problem so he decided to give advice on what he did know, which was the harmful effects of smoking. Sometimes when I am at a loss for giving good advice on something I am not too familiar with (such as marital advice because I have never been married before) I tend to give advice on something else that may seem a little bit off topic but may play a role on health and emotions (such as the diet of the one seeking for advice, ex. exercising and cutting off excessive sugar intake can help control the anxiety the person may be going through.) I hope this makes sense.

    • She is asking for help and you telling her smoking is haram????anyway assalamu alaykum sister, if your parents forced you to marry this guy as you said your mum got you married without your consent, your marriage is not valid under the sharia law as there is no force marriage in islam.

      Narrated Abu Huraira:

      The Prophet said, "A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?" He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)."

      Narrated Khansa bint Khidam Al-Ansariya:

      that her father gave her in marriage when she was a matron and she disliked that marriage. So she went to Allah's Apostle and he declared that marriage invalid.

      Aa'ishah reported that a girl came to her and said, "My father married me to his brother's son in order to raise his social standing, and I did not want this marriage [I was forced into it]." ?Aa'ishah said, "Sit here until the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) comes. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came and she told him about the girl. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent for her father, then he gave the girl the choice of what to do. She said, "O Messenger of Allaah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to prove something to other women." (Reported by al-Nisaa'i, 3217).

      i strongly advice you to try to talk to your parents or family members about this and tell them the marriage is invalid and there is no forced marriage in islam!!!they can not marry you without your consent!tell them they are sinning.i do not think you need to "divorce" this man as the marriage is not valid anyway. if they do not want to help you go to the musjid and talk to the imam about your situation and ask him for help,inshAllah he will help you.

    • mahiya1212 - i don't know if i can give you a proper advice on your marriage problem. But i could advice you on smoking. please stop it. Its not good for your health as well as others(passive smokers).
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad, his family and Companions!

  2. As-salamu alaykum sister mahiya,

    It's not clear to me how you got married. Did you have a nikah? Were there witnesses present and did you give consent? If not, then you are not married. A forced marriage in which you did not give consent is invalid.

    Even if your marriage is valid, if you truly can't stand him and don't want to continue, then get divorced. Your parents will be upset, but they'll get over it in time Insha'Allah. One day you'll marry someone else and it will be fine. It's your life and you have to make the choices that are right for you.

    Wael Editor

    • Br. Wael has given you good advice. It is not clear from your post whether you eventually gave consent or not. Regardless, it seems that you were at least coerced and do not want the marriage, so I advise that you take steps to end the marriage if you feel that you cannot continue.

      Although it may not be helpful to you now, I would also like to highlight the part where your father told you to say no if you did not want to marry this person. To me, it seems that he was perhaps too weak to stand up against your mother but was okay with you saying no and would have supported you at that time. For other girls in this situation, I would advise you to listen to your fathers when they say such words. Just say no, and keep saying no. Refuse to get dressed up or meet the suitors you have no interest in. And if you do happen to meet a prospective groom, simply tell him you are not interested in marrying him. If he has dignity, he will leave on his own. One of the reasons you stated that you did not want to marry someone from overseas was the different mentality... so use your ability to be assertive and stand up for yourself when it actually counts. As you can see, it is a lot harder to extract yourself from the situation once it has already happened. Harder... but not impossible. You can still do it, but you will have to be strong and assertive.

  3. Why do girls always AFTER a forced marriage have the courage to say no to it? It would have been so much less complicated if girls had the courage to stand up for themselves before marriage. Honestly, if my parents had picked out some cousin in Iran and told me I had to marry him even though I tell them no...I would have ran away and not come back until they agree to let me choose my own spouse. I'd rather live in a homeless shelter than be married to someone I don't want to spend my life with.

    Sister, I don't understand why you're shocked that your husband's Visa is expiring - it's a very common thing for people from the homeland to marry a relative in the West so that the spouse from the homeland can come to the West. So common that it really should not have come as a shock to you...

    Anyway, what do you mean your mother got you married? You didn't sign any papers yourseld? You didn't yourself make any vows? Your mother cannot do that for you, sister...if your mother is the one who's been signing and making agreements on your behalf then I really think you should talk to a sheikh about whether or not there even is a seems odd to me that a parent can legally sign and agree to a marrige on behalf of their children.

    • Sister Adina,

      Though sometimes your advice can be harsh, it is also quite to the point and true.

      I know that there are girls out there who will be forced, but the type of girls who would be forced are the ones who were never taught to have an opinion or that their decision was valid. Unfortunately, there are parents out there who will blackmail their children because they feel they own their children. Sad.

      Girls who end up in this situation usually do because it honestly seems like the best of two horrible situations - get married to someone they don't want to OR suffer the constant torment from parents that you ruined their name and life--so in their twisted thinking, they marry who their parents want to give their parents somethings to make them proud.

      I agree. It would be better to not go through with this marriage and suffer the torment from family and community.

      To the OP, there is a lot of information missing from what you wrote (how the marriage happened) - and if this was just for citizenship, perhaps you need to part your ways. Have a separation time to think about if this is right. During that separation if you are certain you can't go back and there is nothing to salvage, you will have your answer.

      May Allah guide us all, Ameen.

      • Oh, believe me Sister, I know how a lot of Muslims are raised. I have a mother who used to be extremely controling of me, too, and always taught me that there's basically no need for a child to have independant thoughts and opinions, because parents do that on behalf of their children. I mean, up until I was 16, I really didn't think for myself, I was too scared to let my mother know when I felt like she was dead wrong - because she had a very bad temper. But in my case, my mother's need of controling me never extended to picking out a husband for me (thank God), "only" to which schools I should go to, which subjects to study, which carreer paths to take and so on (which is just as bad as picking out a child's spouse). Then, as a teenager, I just started to completely clash with my mother because she wanted one thing for me, schoolwise, and I sincerely wanted the opposite - which she would never allow me to pursue, always told me I'd shame her in front of the Persian community for (a lot of Persians are all about money, prestigeous titles and image, unfortunately). For years and years we had like the worst relationship ever, and it did come to a point where she told me, with even my dad backing her up on this, that I either had to do exactly as she wanted me to do, or leave her house - so I packed my suitcase and left her house, to her surprise. I had no job, not that much money, no one to go to (I'm not that close with my aunts and uncles who live in the same city as I do)...but I figured having nothing and no one is still better than being oppressed and depressed at home. I went to a hotel and it was horrible and lonely...I was so, so scared and had no idea what to do. But the next day, literally, my sister texted me and told me she'd never seen my parents as upset as they were now, and how they had told her to try to talk me in to coming back home. Which I did end up doing after letting them know that I would only come home if they'd back off and let me decide for myself what to do with my life.

        Today, my mother is a completely different person - her temper is much softer, she doesn't interfere with my school and carreer plans, she doesn't tell me I have to do things just because that's what she wants me to do in order to look good in front of the Persian's great :). We do still clash though, because we both have a big temper, quite similar personalities, but different values and opinions. But we deal with them properly most of the time now. I'm very happy about the fact that I don't have to worry about my family planning out my life for me anymore - it really was a good thing that I put my foot down and demanded my if I, the biggest coward on earth, can do it, ANYONE can...

        • Sister Adina:

          Regarding your story...I greatly admire you.

          "and it did come to a point where she told me, with even my dad backing her up on this, that I either had to do exactly as she wanted me to do, or leave her house - so I packed my suitcase and left her house, to her surprise. I had no job, not that much money, no one to go to...but I figured having nothing and no one is still better than being oppressed and depressed at home."

          You have strong opinions but often I am in agreement with you. May we all grow a backbone when it comes to relatives/families who follow shaitan. Mash'Allah on your improved relationship with your mum!!

  4. Salam Sis

    I hope the muslim bro and sis in our Ummah grow a back bone and say no when force marriages are applied. it is against Islam.

    I know it can be hard and sometimes crazy as regards to the consequences.

    However if you can explain to your so called HAJI father. That what he is actually is doing is haram and against the teachings of Prophet Muhammed SAW.

    Above all Allah the Almighty has forbidden oppression! PERIOD! NO IFS NO BUTS NO COCONUTS!

    Oppression of another, is a serious and deadly sin that leads to the fire of hell. and if your parents are doing it because of honor and pride. well let them know there is no honor in oppressing your own daughter. Above that Allah the ALMighty has said not one of you will enter heaven who has pride in his heart, even to the amount of a mustard seed.

    Please sis stand up for your self. If that is difficult for you go to one off your relatives or friends you are close to who can intervene on your behalf and talk to your parents. There must be someone you know?.

    To be honest judging from what you said you are not married Islamic-ally. you have to have consented willfully Further more if you have been with this guy for 2 years and have not consummated? its no longer legal in Islam anyways. as to be honest i don't think it ever was.

    Speak to a sheikh or an Imam PRONTO.

    Wa Salam sis

  5. Salaams sis,

    A marriage that isn't given with the consent of one party is invalid regardless of trying to be obedient to your parents. Islamically, an adult woman has the right to choose or agree to the person she will marry, for the obvious reason that this is the person who will be her companion and ameer for the rest of her life.

    The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said , “A virgin cannot be married until her permission is sought.” [Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi, Nasa’i, and Ibn Maja, from Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him)]

    If the person is not suitable for religious reasons, or because she does not like his character, personality, or something else that will not make her happy or secure with him, then she has the full right to refuse to marry him, and her parents cannot force her to do so against her will. Then, if she continues to refuse, the marriage will not be valid. If they force her to accept against her will, they will have wronged her.

    In `Allama Qudri Basha’s definitive codification of Hanafi person law, it states that:

    (Item 53)

    * An adult free woman cannot be forced to marry, whether she is a virgin or a non-virgin.

    * Rather, it is necessary to get her permission and approval.

    * If she is a virgin and her immediate guardian (wali), or his agent (wakeel) or messenger (rasul) sought her approval before marrying her off or if he married her off... and she knew the husband and the mahr and maintained her silence from refusing, without being forced, or smiled or laughed without doing so scoffingly, or cried without a voice, then [in all these cases] this is considered an approval [f: legally, though it is religiously recommended to seek explicit spoken approval]... (Qudri Basha, al-Ahkam al-Shar`iyya fi’l Ahwal al-Shakhsiyya)

    This is confirmed by Imam Haskafi and Ibn Abidin in Radd al-Muhtar `ala al-Durr al-Mukhtar (2.298-299, Bulaq ed.) and other major texts of the Hanafi school.

    Refusing in the best of ways

    The sister should think things through, and seriously consider whether her parents are, in fact, right. [See answer below on ‘Marrying for deen’]

    However, if she concludes that the suitor in question is simply not suitable for her, she has every right to refuse.

    Given this, they have no right to marry her to someone she does not approve of, especially if he is not religious.

    She will not be wronging her parents in any way by not obeying them in such a marriage, though she must remain polite, non-confrontational, and well-mannered, for this is their right.

    Giving parents their rights, too

    This is because giving someone (even oneself) their right does not permit one to take the right of others.

    The Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) instructed that we, “Give everyone who has a right their due right.” [Hakim and others]

    It is the unconditional right of one’s parents that one treat them well, with respect and righteous behavior.

    Allah Most High instructed us and those before us,

    “Worship none save Allah (only), and be excellent to parents.” [Qur’an, 2.83]


    “Your Lord has decreed, that you worship none save Him, and (that you show) kindness to parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age with you, say not “Fie” unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word.” [Qur’an, 17.23]

  6. Hi Mahiya,

    I agree with Mr. Wael, it is better to leave him if you are not happy, some issues will rise and after some time you feel at least free and good on not being with him, if you married with other guy whom you like then it feels you happy and joyous,

    Please you think again on this, you have an opportunity to leave him and choose the best or better guy for you,
    Leaving him is better than being with him, because you are not HAPPY,

    Hope this will help you,
    May God Bless you,

    • When clicking on this person's icon (and some other's), all personal information (contact info) in the profile can easily be seen--just letting Editor's know.

      • Saba, we do allow people to link their icon to their Gravatar profile, FB page, etc. I've never given it much thought. Perhaps it's something we Editors should discuss. Jazak Allah khayr for the reminder.

        Wael Editor

  7. Sometimes we do not see beyond what's infront of us or surrounding us. This poor lady is in need of help. Smooking is harram but the bigger picture is the marriage in itself.
    My personal advise to you is that if you so hated your husband then why not leave.
    Our society is changing and we are living more in modern times. You are definetely NOT alone. I divorced my husband and walk with my head help up high. Why! because allah did not bring us in this world to be tortured. He gave us a gift, that is the gift of life and we must make good use of it.

    I wish you luck! and stop smoking its not good for your health and its haraam. You are better than that. Look at he big picture


  8. take your case to a scholar because your mother got you married without your consent, you should have grown some courage and said `no Im not getting married`.

    disgraceful what your mum did, didn't even take your feelings into consideration,

  9. It is possible to put this matter before the court and the court will decide for the invalidation of the marriage and with the comments above it sounds like something the court would hear.

  10. Are you still with him? How is life?

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