I ruined my life by committing zinaa and I think I was molested as a child
Both of my parents are full time working. My dad has to spend most of his time out of station and mom in the hospital, I would be left with my aunt and cousins.
One day, a man came to my house when I was about 5 or 6yrs old, he came to marry my another aunt who can not speak or hear. I don’t know why I remember this, I don’t know if im hallucinating or imaginning it…but I remember it like yesterday. That night lights went out and he was talking to me and told me to do something. I remember doing it and then he said it will hurt like a needle prick. I remember imense pain, I tired to pull him off but I was weak, It was like a stone kept on my body I couldn’t move. I can still feel the hot tears on my face. I didn’t know what happened he told me that the jinn’s did it to me. I remebered it all along but I never knew the meaning of anything until I was 16 and I realised why I was afraid of dark and why I am afraid of needles.
After all these years, I still can't move on from that (and what I went through afterwards), I havent told anyone that I remember any of that, I tried talking to a cousin but she doesn’t remember anything either, but my other cousin said she remembers a man but nothing else. Those memories torment me, I get so sad, and I keep asking my self why it happened.
And then when I was 16, everyone was having boyfriends, I wanted to have too but never got a guy I really liked. I got in to peer pressure and accepted an offer, to be honest I didn’t like him at all. I was too young and I didn’t know anything and I commited a sin that I would have never in my dreams thought I would and worst of all I got pregnant. I knew being in a muslim country I would be punished, I wanted the baby but my boyfriend didn’t, he said there was no life for us that way. I don’t blame him as I gave in, no one forced the pills down my throat, it was my fault.
I got pregnant when I actually decided to stop doing that shameful act but after the abortion, i don’t know what happened to me. I lost who I am, I would just give anything to become the inncoent me again, even when I know it is not possible. After that I did not stop committing that sin, I got possesive over my boyfriend and he too changed, he lied to me and didn’t care for me at all, he would only come to meet me if he needs some money from me, and that hurt me more because I knew he didn’t want me, but I wanted him because at that time I knew that I couldnt face another man, like that.
My parents and everyone disapproved of his family, even from the beginning but I continued to see him, but after 2 years of that my parents sent me abroad to study and also to keep me away from him. Being away from him, I realised that I don’t love or want that man more than my parents so I broke up with him, but I was emotionally tormented; I am still.
I met a nice guy, he was very caring and loving, he knows I am alone so he would everyday drop and pick me up from college even if he had to stay outside for 2 hours after his college is over. Still I was very imature, being the only child of my parents till I was 15, I was given more than the love I deserved. I shouldnt say this but If I had the knowledge I have now I woundnt have insha Allah be here posting this question(im not blaming my mother now, but there was a time when I did, but I don’t want my sins to affect anyone).
I told the truth about my life to him, he accepted me as I am but I did not want zina to be a part of my life, but again it happened, and when it happened everytime I would curse myself to giving myself away like that. Sometimes I would feel so guilty that i feel like I cant face Allah(swt) I feel like I will never be forgiven for the life I have taken, I heard my mom say that people who does abortion are people who deserve hell, it really discourages me to get in the good path and I keep on the bad, but I really want to be good. I want to be able to face Allah on the day of judgement.
I don’t want this life and yet I am very weak in holding up to things I really don’t need to do. I can leave my boy friend, I feel that he would understand, and wait for me but then I am fearing to be alone in this country. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could take it all back and be a virgin again. I want to be that girl who was too scared to vist that memories from the past and who did not try to find it out. Even if it followed me like the shadow.
I am devastated as I have let so many people down, and EVEN ALLAH!!! And I feel like I have ruined my boyfriend’s life because he did not commit zina before he met me, like me he was living in ignorance, but now he would want to comitt zina when i don’t want, thankfully by now I have learnt NO!! A bit too late but still I feel happy when I use it, but I am weak in holding to it sometimes.
I have sinned so many times I have lost count, sometimes I want to end my life(I feel like there is no chance for me), but I have to stay alive for my mother as I am her only daughter, only child.
I don’t know the punishment for doing zina in hell, I tried looking it up but have not been able to find it yet.
Can you please tell me what it is?
- black-guilt
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sister instead of knowing the punishment for doing zina in hell change urself and ask for forgiveness.
Giving up hope of the Mercy of Allah is a crime in itself.
Allah(swt)"Says: 'O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins (except shirk): for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.'" (39:53)
"And it is He who accepts repentance from His servants and pardons the evil deed and knows what you do."
Turning to Allah for forgiveness is only one aspect of the concept of repentance in Islam. A Muslim's repentance must also be genuine and sincere. In the Qur'an, Allah says: "Oh you who believe! Repent towards Allah with sincere repentance." (Surah Hud: 3)
Sincere or genuine repentance (tawbah nasuh) is distinguished by a Muslim's:
Immediate cessation of the sin..
Regret for what is past
Determination not to return to the sin
Asking Allah for forgiveness every time he remembers the sin
So break ur relationship with ur boyfriend ask for forgiveness work on ur relation with Allah(swt) and put ur trust in Him that he forgives all sins if one repents sincerely.
SubhanAllah !!!!!
x
dear sister
i do not think u forced your boyfriend to commit zinna, for he did it himself. I think he used your past against you, for he knew u did it already once before, so you might as well do it with him too.
So you need to stay away from him. Keeping him, would mean commiting something you dont want to.
There is always someone present with a man and woman. A third party. Who u might ask? Shaytan the devil himself.. He fills your minds up with dirty things and you do it if your imam is weak. So keep your distance from him. End this relationship.
If you truly want to repent and not do want to do this again, and ask Allah forgiveness. Make a tawbah. And once you make the Tawbah and you want Allah to accept you, u CAN NOT repeat the crimes again!!
You truly have to walk on the right path.
Allah is very forgiving, merciful. If he sees that you have truly repented, then He shall Inshallah forgive you.
Punishments for all major crimes in Allah eyes is, The person burning in Hell.
But if you truly repent, and do not repeat the sins again then Allah shall forgive you.
You shouldnt worry about being alone. Your parents sent to aboard for you to study and become something.
So focus on your studies and pray five times a day. Read the quran. Keep yourself busy with these things and you wont need anyone else to keep you company.
Inshallah from now on you will be makin the right decisions..
Assalam ALLAH SWT 4gves all sins less shirk. d conditions of repentence articullated by my brother above are enough 4 u 2 repent if u folloe them sincerely. wat i want 2 add is dat wallahi u should consider urself lucky 4 been able regret sinning against ALLAH SWT for only few does.it is hoped dat u wil b safe frm sins inshaALLAH cos of ur TAQWAH. Howeva start d fight urself.avoid wateva will take u close 2 zina and increase ur istighfar. MAASSALAM.
sister what I see that u are too far away from Islam,not blaming u for u mistakes since we are human,but there is limit for everything,u just give up ur for desires ,and since u don't know about zina punishment I am sure u don't know the Qur'an,plz read it and listen to it if u want to be healed and I am telling u from me as I experienced it,and being alone is not to do whatever u want if people don't see u Allah do,I am alone too far away from my family but I don't find it hard,since I know who I am and believe me no man is willing to touch u if he is honest with u and want to marry u,such boys are heartless I saw few of this type of guys,while their gf crying on phone they laugh ,it's not too late to walk to Allah if u are willing and faithful,he won't disappoint u,but I am telling u it won't be easy for u,but if u have the courage u will do it and u will success in sha Allah
the best way is to remember every step u walk to ur bf Allah sees u,and it won't help if u are away from Allah just pray,read the Quran ,read about prophet Muhammed saaw about Islam,and u will get the fruit
I my self is not perfect,I am a simple guy but we grow up and build our elves ,the past is past,today is here,no one knows when or where will die,I really feel sorry and sad for u at the same time, salam
COMMITING ZINA IS A GRAVE SIN..
PLS DONT USE EXCUSES TO DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN, IF U ARE A GOOD MUSLIM GIRL WITH STRONG
FAITH IN ALLAH, THEN U WUD NEVER REPEAT THAT SIN AGAIN.
REPENT SINCERELY AND NEVER DO IT AGAIN. U SHUD MARRY AS SOIS ON AS POSSIBLE IF U CANT CONTROL UR DESIRES AS THIS IS RECOMMENDED IN OUR RELIGION.
ALL THE BEST SIS.. GOD BLESS YOU
Assalaamu alaikum - im sorry for writing so late, your story touched me so much I had to write even if it was so late
- im so sorry to hear about everything you've been through sister. Healing will take some time, and maybe the lifestyle your leading has a lot to do with your past haunting you. I am by no means a psychologist - but it may be useful for you to try and get some sort of counselling if you can. I dont know if this is possible if you are abroad, but if it is, definetly consider it.
Know that Allah sees everything, and those who are wronged will be recomponsed by the person who wronged them. (So too will this man be InshaAllah.) It is up to you whether you want to deal with this past or try to forget it and move on. Leave the wrongdoer to the court of the hereafter.
The best way of healing is through turning to Allah. Know too that Allah sees all that you are doing/ have done, and continuing in these sins will invoke the wrath of Allah.
You MUST desist, first and foremost. LEAVE your relationship with this guy. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. However much you feel you love him being around him, especially alone with him - will lead to zina.
ASK ALLAH FOR FORGIVENESS, MAKE CONTINOUS TAWBAH AND MAKE THE INTENTION TO CHANGE. NEVER FEEL YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ALLAH FORGIVING YOU! Allah loves us more than the love of 70 mothers.
Allah the Almighty said: “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.”(4)
Make the intention to change. Read Qur'an - recite it in arabic and read the meaning as well if you dont speak arabic. Make continuous Tawbah and most importantly pray five times a day.
Qiyam ul - lail (Night prayers) and reading Qur'an in the late hours of the night is very beneficial for improving your relationship with Allah and for strengthening the person. If you feel weak try this.
I dont know to what level you were practicing your deen beforehand,
if you wern't praying or reading Qur'an it might be better to take steps towards Islam slower as in starting reading 3 prayers a day and increasingly gradually if you are finding it difficult. It is better to read a page of Quran everyday then to read 10 pages once a week - so take small steps and build up gradually.
Remember that Allah loves repentance, He wants you to change He wants you to succeed and He loves you, He loves all his creation. Remember also that we will face Allah with only our deeds and this life will be like a 'small part of a day,' all wordly matters are insignificant. So sister remember that this life is short and its hard to do good deeds but when InshaAllah we see them on that day, it will so most definetly be worth it. 🙂
LET GO OF THIS GUY.Keep busy - start learning about Allah and Islam, at your own pace. Give yourself a project - (I used to have an unhealthy dependence on a guy and i took up a project and these methods to move on.I learnt Allahs names and attributes. I learnt a language.)
People in this life let you down - some people let you down a lot more then others, but no human can be relied on 24/7 to be there for you. Only Allah is there all the time, and is always waiting for you to remember Him. He knows what youve been through - He understands you
Repent to Him, Confide in Him - dont be afriad to speak to Him. Only He can help you. Repent and Ask for His help in staying away from sin. Ask him to make you happy - dont rely on anyone except Him and ask for His help in acheiving that level of Taqwa. If you do this - YOUR HEART WILL FIND EASE INSHAALLAH 0- GUARANTEED.
I pray that Allah has guided you or will guide you and forgive you. I pray that He heals you from your emotional scars and brings you inner peace and contentment and a house in Jannat. I pray He forgives the Ummah and gives us Jannat. Ameen. I will remember you inmy duas.
Assalaam
Also forgot to mention one thing.. Learn from it as in protect yourself from now to avoid it happening again.
By improving relationship with Allah and keeping busy with useful halal activities.
Not just staying away from being friendly with this guy but all guys.
This one was difficult for me but i realised that a lot of guys I came into contact with tend to get an impression of what we are like, and use it against us.
(I love to make all people happy and feel terribly guilty if i let people down or disappoint them in any way, so i noticed that they would chase me and make me feel guilty for trying to avoid them. aka. e.g "Oh I came all the way over here and your not going to help me with this work etc" So I used to feel guilty and give in. - Alhumdulilah most of them got bored quickly before wed passed the friend stage ) - Im just tellin u that to warn you is all.
So DONT feel guilty. Remember that Shaytaan often plays with us by makin us think we are doing a good thing by being nice to a guy, but really hes trying to lead us into sin
Not to say you should be mean but avoid any unecessary interaction with the opposite sex, especially as yor likely to be fragile now. If you do look for a partner ,do it in the halal way - Go through friends, family, involve parents from as early as possible. A potential husband who is pious and serious about u will never let a 'relationship' progress to possible zina.
I dont know why Im writing this as you probably wont read it, but if I can help others th way I was helped when i was down, InshaAllah it will be worth it - Salaam
you didn't let so many people down, so many people let you down! all these guys! i can't believe them, all they want is - - -
hi i read ur story and can relate to it. i have too done the same but after i did it the first time i didnt do it again but do feel attracted to others but i dont dare go further.but i wasnt married then. i understand were yuou arte coming from once you have done bad you feel you have spoilt it for ever and it discourages you from doing good. i want to change back to the girl i was with the good thoughts and deeds. i want to go umrah but my hubby is not ready.i feel if i dont go now i will never be able to change ever and i will just carry on committing more sins. i want a fresh start. and i think you need one too and you need to get married quick so you dont commit sin.
Maya, the doors of tawbah are always open. It does not require Umrah in order to make tawbah. The only thing holding you back from changing is yourself.
Wael
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