Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I divorce my drug addict husband?

Crying Muslim Woman

Salaam.

I have been married to my husband for 5 years. Prior to my Nikkah I found out my husband smokes Marijuana, I still agreed to marry him due to the fact that he had promised that he would quit. I believed him and stuck by him.

2 years after my nikkah I officially moved in with him In his parents house after I graduated school. Which I then began to see that he not only smokes weed, but he does LSD and psychedelic mushrooms, and drinks. These three other things he did once a month, telling me he is trying to quit.

Again I stuck by him thinking that I can help him quit. His personality went from respectful to very disrespectful. He did not let me go back to school to get my masters. Anytime I went to a school for a tour, he would come with me then on the way home he would tell me how bad the field is that I'm getting into and I would easily get discouraged and give up.

He did not let me get a job, to him every field is corrupt except for philosophy. Because my husband likes philosophy. Every interview I had he would argue with me. Eventually my brother gave me a job at this company, to work from home then my husband had problems with me working with his company because he didn't want me to help my brother.

His drinking went from once a month to once every two weeks. His drug habits still the same.

He always had a problem with me going to visit my family and would fight me everytime. He would curse at me and my family, then I would get mad an either cover his mouth, or try and slap him to shut him up. In return he would choke me, twist my arms, slap me really hard so my cheek would be numb, punch me. I know I have been wrong in hitting him. But I couldn't hear those words come out of his mouth. But his hands are way more powerful than mine.

Anyway. Eventually my dad got liver cancer. He was in the hospital, and I wanted to come the first day I heard and stay. My husband didn't let me. We went together on a 4 hr drive tht morning and drove back that night. His logic was that we will come back the next week for a day and continue to come back and forth. For 6 months I have been going to see my dad on my husbands convenience. I really wanted to stay and my parents wanted me to stay and spend time too. But he never let me. He fought and cursed me and my family many times.

He also wanted me to give my dad medical Marijuana. He was convinced that it would cure my dad's cancer. He said God sent him with the cure and otherwise I am killing my dad. He sent everyone of my siblings messages even my two younger sisters that we r killing our dad unless we give him the Marijuana.

He tried to give my dad an oil made from it, and my brother stopped him. And my husband started yelling and fighting and telling my dad he won't get better unless he took it. I took my husband home after that. Very embarrassed and upset with him. That same day my dad was in so much pain he was sent to hospice.

Dr's estimated my dad three days to live. My mom called me and told me to come. Again my Hsu and didn't want to go until to days later but I didn't know how long my dad had left so I took a train and came home. My husband cursed me, hit me, threatened to divorce me, cursed my dad all because I went to go to my dad and didn't wait until my husband wanted to go.

My dad died three days later. My husband came the day of his death. And threatened to leave me if I didn't go home with him after janazzah, then he said he wouldn't come to the janazzah unless i told him i would go home right after. I didn't want to go right after janazzah I wanted to stay. I just lost my dad I couldn't leave so soon, I wanted him to come to janazzah so no one would find out our issues. So I lied and told him I would come. After the janazzah I told my husband to leave and that I didn't want to go. So he left without meeting my mom or anyone.

He came back three days later. Telling me to sleep with him, by that time I was fed up by everything I had to deal with. And I told him to leave.

Since then I have been home with my parents (2 months). Because I don't want to go back unless he quits drugs and gives me my basic rights. He keeps saying he won't change anything unless I come home first. I don't believe him. He says he's willing to quit drugs and alcohol yet every other charge on his credit card is a liquor charge.

I don't know what to do. Givin him another chance scares me, I don't want to go back. Leaving him also scares me, because I am afraid of societal impact.

Please advise me.

chirriya

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11 Responses »

  1. You should try your best to cure him. You should try until you find that impossible. After that if he still is addicted. You may divorce him. In that case, do not feel bad. Because he have choose drag over you. So you may choose to leave him.
    But remember - you must try your best to cure him before you divorce him

  2. Sister you fear Allah or creation in general. my advice is leave but have a plan . this guy is going to make the rest of your life miserable.by now if you did have degree the world of opportunity is open for success.The believers who Allah gives wealth are like his agents who help the poor and the weak soo go and Allah will help you . sheik once said if you obey Allah s commandments and are dutiful towards then will take care of you and honor you in both worlds .....so why feel sad when tomorrows another day.. ohh just tell him the police will be the next call!!! so leave

  3. Salaam sister

    You should only care what Allah thinks and put Allah first. Does Allah like these actions and his habits. Probably not since they are straight up haram! What society thinks is irrelevant and when you do something for Allah, He will take care of you.

    I believe you should divorce him. He is not going to change. He is controlling. He's already physically abused you and that does not change.
    Go live with your family. Go back to school and get a masters. There is someone better for you iA. Make istikharrah and go with your gut.
    Also it is not your job to cure him. How are you going to do that. That advice makes no sense. You've done your best and have had unbelievable patience.

  4. Sister,

    If I were you I would leave him. You can't cure people, this is a mental health issue, it's a very very serious addiction. If he wanted to change, he would seek help today...like right now. But he didn't in all the years you have known him.

    If he can't change in those years you have been together than when is it going to happen? Do you really want children with a man that does drugs, hits you, and controls you? It sounds like a very very bad marriage.

    Leave for your sake and don't look back. Find another man who has morals, is kind, never hits, and is not addicted and does not control you lie he does.

    If you are worried about society, well dear...if they don't like your divorce ...well they can marry him if they like...who cares what people think!! Let them talk and gossip and you be at peace away from a drug addicted husband.

    You cannot change people darling, love cannot cure an addiction...he is responsible for his deeds and actions...and he has to do it for himself. He sounds like a very very unhealthy person to have a relationship with.

  5. Dear sister
    Leave him, his a drug addict and is going to continue being so. If he wanted to change he would have long ago, gone into rehab or something.
    Why should you waste your time with a man who has several addictions.
    I read your post and my heart goes out to you.
    This man is clearly not all there his high all the time, his no use to you other than give you grief,pain and a horrible life.
    You have suffered enough with his carry on while your father was ill, instead of your husband comforting you he gave you more grief, no one does that!
    He is clearly a lost case and a addict there is no cure for him, has he won't admit his wrong doings and won't go out there for help.
    You don't want kids from a useless addict they will just suffer too.
    Divorce him dear and let him take the high road. Don't think about people what they will think, all people gossip regardless, If you live with a drugy people will talk and if you leave him they will talk but eventually shut up.
    Why should you suffer and in hope that he will change drugs are hard to stop and life is passing by for you in the hope that he will sort himself out.

  6. Salaam sister
    I am really sorry about your fathers death (Allah bless him with janatul firdous. Ameen) and all that you have been going through.
    My dearest sister, when are you going to see this person wont change. If 5 years ago he didnt fulfil his promise what makes you think he will do so in the future. Just say if you did go back whose to say he wont beat you up for not obeying his commands. What if hes in the state of drugs and alcohol and loses his temper and something serious happens to you?
    At the end of the day you stuck by him, sacrificed your education, your dreams and was patient when he didnt let you go see your dad or family. He beat you up swore at you and your family because he felt he was superior then you. He has no respect for you no love no care for your feelings. You are to him as a slave to her master. An object to be used and controlled. To put up with him and ask no questions.

    You would be better off without him. You havent mentioned any children but if you can imagine if you had children with him what upbringing would they have what effects would it have on their innocent minds, how will they turn out as adults and future spouses to someone?
    You seriously need to take a moment out and ponder about it. If you are scared to go back to him and you are not with him then imagine what could happen if yu go back
    My advice is stay at your parents home no need to go back. Focus on your education and stand up for yourself. So what if people will talk they always do. It wont be as bad as the pain you are going through. Atleast you will be free from him.

    I pray Allah makes it easy for you and reward you for your patience. Ameen

  7. He has had two years to change his ways on his own, 3 years to change his ways while with you. But despite his willingness to change he's only gotten worse in 5 years. I don't see him helping you in fulfilling your rights to others, I don't see him helping you in life to get a better afterlife. The life that he offers seems worse than being single and his drugs are causing him serious mental issues. This is like when you see a guy sinking in quicksand and you try to pull him out, instead of coming out he stays in it and tries to pull you in too. He's already wasting his life, why waste yours with him? I recommend divorce as soon as possible, no waiting, no wondering if he's going to improve, get out now. You already gave him 5 years, it's not like you didn't try, and he's not even trying to improve. He's adding conditions that if you come back then he'll give up the drugs, he should be saying he's going to give it up no matter what.

  8. Assalaamu Alaikum sister.

    I'm really sorry to hear about your condition & the death of your father, inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rra'jioon. May Allah (swt) grant him jannatul firdous.

    Sister, your husband is supposed to be your guardian and protector. Your husband physically and verbally abusing you isn't him protecting you. Trying to keep you prisoner in your home by not allowing you to continue your studies, getting a job or even visiting your family shows that he is just a possessive control freak.

    My husband too smokes weed & we have fought tirelessly about his addiction many times in the past. He is also a strong advocate of medical marijuana. The difference between my husband & your husband is that my husband's only vice is weed. He does not take any other drugs & does not drink alcohol. He has never laid a finger on me, is not verbally abusive towards me, he does not try to control me by preventing me visiting my family, friends or working etc. but is in fact very supportive of me having a social life of my own. I know through my husbands actions that he loves me very dearly Alhamdulillah. Can you say the same for your husband?

    Although my husband has a weed addiction, the positives in his behaviours outweigh his weed addiction, which is why I have stuck by him over the years. But reading your account of your husbands attitude & behaviour, there are more negatives than positives.

    If my husband ever raised his hand to me I would be long gone. There would be no second chances. That is one thing I would not tolerate, is being hit. Like I said previously, men are our protectors, Allah (swt) did not give them strength so they could beat us.

    You should seriously consider divorcing your husband as he seems like a very selfish individual who does not care about you or your happiness.

    Pray istikharaah for guidance from the Almighty. But the fact that he hindered you from visiting your dying father & then had the audacity to ask you leave straight after the janaazah speaks volumes.

    I pray Allah helps you come to the right conclusion & helps you to do what's right for you. Ameen.

    Wasalaam x

  9. Sister , make three tries more and make it clear to him you will leave him if he does not quit .......after this you can leave him dont worry about society.....and never go back whatever the consequnces

  10. Asalamu Aliykum. Like you I don't know what to do only I have two children with my husband. He has been taking cocoaine for a few years now an I only found out a while ago due to finding notes an powder in bags. I've suffered so much abuse from him over the years an I took it thinking it was my fault. I thought he has some sort of depression at night he would be happy in the morning moody an depressed. He would tell me loved me then next thing being aggressive an paranoid an mistrusting of me. Would lock me up in house with no phone or way of getting out. I decided to leave after he beat me again I can't take it anymore feel like not living anymore but I have to be strong for my children inshallah Allan make me a good mother an be strong an kind for them. Like you I fear society an what they will say but I cannot live with him anymore his drugs are his life now an I'm just a punching bag for his mood swings the kids are neglected an had to listen to vulgar abuse. So I left but with two kids I don't know what will happen to me now please give me advice. JazakAllah khair.

  11. Come on !!! Are ypu still seeking the answer ? He nothing but trash. Leave him asap. Please

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