I want to move back home, but husband is refusing.
Salaam Aleikum,
I had an arranged marriage at 19 years of age. My husband who is from Pakistan is very traditional whereas, I am more western in my values. When we first spoke I was happy in that we shared much in common and I was happy in marrying him the only problem was that he lived in Birmingham with his family and I lived in Middlesbrough with mine. I told him how I felt about moving to a location where I didn't know anybody and how awkward I would feel and he promised, and arranged for one of the terms of our marriage to be that, I try/compromise for a year and if I was not happy we'd move to Middlesbrough. We married in Birmingham 3 years ago and now have beautiful 2 year old twin sons and a new baby on the way.
After the year in isolation I had only seen my family once. Still young when I was getting married, I was in college, which I foolishly gave up to care for him and my sons. I do not have any friends or family here in Birmingham so I rarely leave home. I have become depressed and quite sick of his family members coming over to drop of their kids and use me as a free baby sitter. My husband whom is now made redundant is unable to provide for us. He constantly moans and curses. He has never changed our son's nappies nor shown them any sort of affection whatsoever. After a argument, he stopped cooking or helping me cook or clean around the house. As I'm heavily pregnant and also caring for twins, the help I expected wasn't there. He allowed me to starve for a week and refused to buy groceries with the closest shop being a mile from our house. I have spoken to him about this on several occasions yet he doesn't care or show any remorse or appreciation for the sacrifices I have made in order for our marriage.
I then left to go back to my mother hoping things would be different. I surprised her with my visit and told him I was leaving before I did, which he replied 'I know you would have'. I arrived at my mother and did not tell her of my intimate problems as I do not like sharing problems and was praying for Allah (swt) to give me strength to pull through and also not to complain and make her feel unhappy. I just wanted a small break to gather myself and for a little support with the babies which I knew I'd receive at home. My mother, being the mother she is, felt there was something wrong and gave him a call. Shortly to find out, he complained and said how I was a lazy, uncaring and useless wife. I was outraged with anger after she decided to take his side and have a go at me.
Right now I feel lost, unappreciated and misunderstood. I want to just move home and be sane again. He doesn't want to move here and is constantly making excuses and makes me feel that now that I have a babies and nowhere to turn to that I'll be a doormat he can just walk all over. I've compromised far enough and he doesn't want to. I've tried everything, I've tried pleading, convincing, talking, but I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. He lied to get me into this marriage and is psychologically draining me to feel stuck. I haven't spoken to him after he said that to my mother. I want to just pack my bags and leave and get a place in Middlesbrough and give him time to think about moving there but I don't want a divorce? Is that ok? Am I wrong? Is there any other angle this issue can be tackled by which I may have overlooked?
Thank you,
Sister Sara_
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He shouldn't have stated that in the conditions for marriage and worse still you shouldn't have married someone who was away from your family if you wanted to stay near them. You are to blame for this I'm afraid, a little common sense on your part and you would have realised that it's very difficult to ask a man to move, especially in this day and age where it is so tough.
I don't think you're grateful enough to him, you're pulling out all the bad things abotu yoru husband and not saying a single good thing about him. There are loads of women who move away from their family, you've moved 200 miles give or take, there are other women who move across the world.
It seems you are homesick, I don't think it's because of your husband or his habits, I think you just don't like where you live. If you liked where you live none of these issues arise.
Let this be a lesson to all sisters, if you're going to get married, be prepared to move away, if you're not prepared to move away, marry someone local.
Salaams brother John
I think your being harsh by saying this is sisters fault. How is the marriage sisters fault when it was arranged and top of it all she was only 19 years old when she got married. I am sorry to say brother she wont have common sense at that age as some people dont think things through or know everything especially if the elders do the rishta for the girls and they unforuantley dont have a say becasue they dont want to disrespect there parents honour. There are brothers who are also homesick especially if they are from pakistan vice vera the women too. Sister has not created this all herself it takes two to tango and two to make the marriage work. This clearly shows sister is not happy and may be suffering from depression as a result she is trying to make this marriage work. I agree in sense maybe considering the distance long and hard would have been ideal for her parents not her in question but sometimes when parents have daughters to marry and rishta come this is the last thing some consider whether the marriage is from pakistan or from country born. I feel for this sister Sara and my advise for her is to talk to her husband and agree to moving over especially now he has no job maybe going to another place and starting fresh may help the situation. Maybe if you also go to the docter he or she may also advise you, ask your husband to come with you has the support will help you. I also think you should phone your mum sharing another heart to heart conversations takes the worry of shoulders and you will feel better. Find an interest you like doing whether that is reading the quran, and see what courses at a college might interest you maybe having a new focus or a hobby may also help you to heal the pain your are feeling inshallah.
Sister Sara dont think about divorce it is haraam because i honestly think you have got a good husband and you are lucky and ulhumdiallah you got children you should count your blessings. Live for family, husband and children. I personally do think being away from what you was used to will take time for you to except new place and new people to adjust. I think the way you are feeling is depression and feeling lonely therefore i will advise you to see the doctor inshallah with the right direction you will be fine and you are not the first person who feels like this there are plenty other people in the same boat as you.
salam sister
I don't understand one point??? You said your husband is from pakistan. so did he come to the UK on a marriage visa or was he here before you guys married.
if he came on a marriage visa then how come he ended up in Birmingham. You should have made it clear that you have lived all your life in middlesborough and if he is marrying you and coming to england through you then it makes sense for him to live where you're living.
I've seem many men from pakistan who promise one thing and when they get here they become more interested in other!!!
My advice for you sister is to try and get your life back on track- i do agree with Brother John that you should have put your condition foward before marrying him, but whats done is done.
For now try and get your frame of mind sorted. Maybe you do need time apart- but at the same time communicate with him and tell him of your plans, exlpain to him that you cannot cope with his laziness and lack of interest in the children and household.
And you are not wrong in wanting 'time out' to sort this out, it is better than running towards a divorce before having tried other avenues.
If you do end up living in Birmingham with your husband then try and make something of your life, your young you do not need to be confined to the house. make new friends, pick up a hobby where you are associating with other young mums. it seems you've given up on life just because you moved away from home.
please think things through before you give up on your marriage. Spend time in prayer and learning. Be steadfast, Allah will help you, this is just a minor blip in your life, a test if you like and the more you pray to Allah for guidance the better you will feel.
I hope it work out for you.