He was a bad guy, wants to marry me.
Hi guys!
I´m stuck in a situation where i dont know what to do..I really want someone to tell me some logical stuff and guide me before i get myself in a unwanted situation. I dont want to ruin my life and so i am scared but love him at the same time..
There is this guy he loves me I love him too..but he is kind of a bad guy..so he has been with girls in the past and have smoked cigerates and weed..he even told me last night that he still smokes weed sometimes, used to go clubbing and drink bla bla..which i really hate and still can't believe myself liking a guy like him..because I wouldn´t want my guy to do all those stuff, for me thats just unacceptable but I don´t know why I love him..??? I don´t get it !
He tells me that he is going to take care of me if i marry him..Though he has changed a lot..it´s been 2 years that he has not gone clubbing and everything but he told me that he smokes weed sometimes as I mentioned earlier.. He has changed his hair style..removed his tatoos..and he says I´m doing all these because I want you to be with me..I love him i love him but deep down I don´t know if I can fully trust him..I´m not SURE !! I don´t want to marry and get divorced the next day because I don´t know how he is going to be like after marriege and how he is going to treat me and things like that.
I am just so scared but i think that the main reason that i love him and still have not given up on him is because he has got no one ELSE..I have been trying to change him and make him understand to do goods..he says your my angel you have changed me a lot..I know what life is all about now..but I WISH I KNEW THE ANSWER of how he is going to be like after I marry him..Shall I marry him..? Can I just go on and trust him..? Or can I just give up..? Can I just let him go and never turn my back to him again..? I am scared because he told me that if i leave him he is going to go back where he was and things..I don´t want him to be bad, i want his good and his happiness..i can´t fully blame him to be like that..he has got heaps of family reasons..no one has ever supported him in anyway...no one had told him to do what and how to be..He says im the first person who has actually payed some attention in himself and his feelings and understands him..
As a psychology student i believe every human being deserves to be loved and forgiven to let one grow to their fullest potentials. However, i am not sure what ISLAM says about this kind of situations..He has been bad but is that ok if i just forgive him and be with him for a change that could help him to become better and do goods. Or shall i just leave him to Allah and do not care about how he is going to be..
Can someone please guide me through all these and help me get out of these confusions because i believe that it is affecting my life and i want to put an end to it regardless of what ways i am going to choose.
Thanks a lot for your times
HELP !
-nopromises
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Assalaamu alaikum sister.
Please forgive me for my bluntness.
First of all, it comes a shock to many, me included but are you aware that pre-marital relationships of any kinds are forbidden in Islam? Zina of the eye is looking, zina of the tongue is lustful or sweet words etc. These are all sins my dear sister, as whatever leads to a sin is a sin.
Secondly always I repeat, always trust your instinct. SubhanAllah, Allah has given us this for a reason, women especially are very good with instinct, yet we are most likely to ignore it! Do not ignore it. From your post, it seems like you don't think you should trust him. In which case, don't. Either way, I would be wary trusting.
I am not against him due to his past. You are right that everyone deserves a second chance to reform. But my dear sister who said that you have to give him that chance. That is down to Allah swt. Even love doesnt have to come from you.
Points to be aware of:
1) Premarital relationships are a sin. Any contact between a guy and girl must be within islamic boundaries, (Not alone, mahram present, no unecessary contact etc.)
2) You are not sure whether to trust this man or believe him - a warning sign. I think you should trust yourself dear sister.
3) Protecting yourself.
"He tells me that he is going to take care of me if i marry him"
It seems he has made you a lot of promises dear sister, but these are many things some guys say to some girls. To take advantage, but you must be careful. I dont know how to explain it - so if someone else can, please do InshaAllah.
4) You want to change him.
"I am just so scared but i think that the main reason that i love him and still have not given up on him is because he has got no one ELSE..I have been trying to change him and make him understand to do good."
Sister, so you love him because he needs you? That doesnt make sense. One thing. If you love someone truly you wouldnt want to change them. Many women fall into this trap - I too believed in changing others - but no love and marriage is not about this. Sister it is not your responsibility. I am sure he does have others to help him.
My dear sweet sister you MashaAllah have a soft sweet heart and you love to help people. That is a wonderful thing, However please be aware that this makes you a bit more vulnerable. So protect yourself. There are good people and bad people in this world and bad people may use your soft heartedness to take advtange.
Let me let you into a secret about the psychology of some of these men. Some men tell you these things, they love you - you've helped me so much etc, I want to marry you etc. This makes the girl feel happy and naturally she starts to like the guy. She wants to help him more. As time goes on she really falls for him and he can easily take advantage of her. He hands her the baton - gives her the power until she falls etc.
To be blunt - I advise you to stay away from him. Do not feel guilty, he is trying to make you feel that to get you to stay. Protect yourself. This guy can help himself. If you are unsure stay away still, but do istikhaarah. Links on istikhaarah are provided at top of this page.
Apologies for the errors - I am having mindblock. I f you need me to clarify anything or need more advice you are welcome to write on here.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Salam Sara,
Thank you, a beautiful response ! I personaly do not have anyone i could really open up and feel safe to talk to about this issue.. This really means a lot to me because i know that im trapped badly..emotionally. He has hurt me a lot..crying and stuff..which i sometimes think what the hell am i doing..why am i crying..why do i have to give a crab..a lot of things seriously.. i have been with him for like a long time..and now its really hard for me to break that bond and move on separatly..i hope you know what i mean but i do accept everything you have said...because it made me think that i can move on..and get married to a guy who is in my (qismat)..and leave everything to Allah..he knows better..the guy i talked about is not going to die..
So thank you sister 🙂
I’m going to keep this short and simple. Please, I urge you, follow your gut feeling and heed sister Sara’s advice. Do not proceed ahead with this relationship. Red flags are flying everywhere. We cannot change anyone but ourselves. The biggest problem with us females is that we think we can change the one we love; no, they will not change unless they want to.
The guy whom you have feelings for sounds very similar to someone I once knew. For a moment, I thought you were writing about that very guy but one or two things which you wrote are a bit different. Based on my past experience I highly suggest that you run away before it’s too late. He’s reeling you in through emotional pity and control.
1.) you cannot change anyone my dear; they will change only if they want to
2.) he claims that he will fall off track if you leave him; is he so dumb that he needs you to help him change; does he not have his own common sense that what he is doing is detrimental to his own soul?
Do not let your emotions blur you; trust me one this one—find yourself someone that is compatible with you. It will save you loads of misery and emotional turmoil in the long run.
The rest sister Sara has stated beautifully, mashAllah.
-Helping Sister
JazakAllah khair sister - you have explained the things so well MashaAllah which I struggled to write. (Mindblock again.)
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
🙂 no problem sis.
-Helping Sister
Asalamoalaikum sister no promises,
I was thinking about you a while back and felt this urge to write to you again.
Sister, I don’t know why but I feel like “saving you”. I know this sounds very weird but maybe I am feeling this way is because at one point in my life I met someone very, very similar to the guy whom you have feelings for. Yes, there is a slight variation between them, but I’d say that there about 95% similar.
Although I don’t feel like talking about my past and posting it online for everyone to read, I feel a personal connection to your story and want to share a very important part of my life—something that has completely changed my perspective about love and relationships before marriage.
My dear sis, at one point in my life I was with a guy that is similar to this guy. Everything you have stated, except for the tattoo part and time variation is exactly what I went through. I never wanted to be with a guy who had drank, went clubbing went physical with numerous girls, did weed (and still did it when he was with me—lying to me, until I caught him red handed), with no solid education, etc. He claimed it was his past and although my heart said no, shaitaan trapped me by whispering to me, “Give him a chance, people change. You cannot just reject someone because they have a past” (that’s exactly what shaitaan is doing to you right now).
Of course, I believe you should not live in the past and give second chances but with people who you can see are changing—and most importantly, the change must be permanent. The guy I was with in the beginning played the “good boy” charade pretty well for about 1 month. I began trusting him, and then everything changed. You may claim that this guy is changing and showing you that but sis more than 50% of the time, it is just a scam to lock you in their trap—trust me.
He put me through a lot. He was overly controlling and paranoid, he had a problem with the way I dressed, at times with what I even ate, who I talked to, when I slept, etc—you get the point. He was emotionally abusive and very controlling—he always made me feel that I was wrong and slowly I started believing that it was always my fault. Later on, physical abuse began. To put it in a nutshell—I was in hell. In the end my family found out and put an end to the relationship.
I am alhumdulillah healing and moving forward with my life; it’s difficult at times but I’m far better off without him, alhumdulillah.
My point of telling you my story is that I got nothing but accumulated sins, pain, mistrust, and abuse.
Through this experience I can now understand these type of guys very well, alhumdulillah. Therefore, I am highly stressing that you do not proceed ahead with this relationship.
Wallahi I am not lying, 95% of the things you said are exactly what I went through—I can see where this relationship is going to take you. Allah forbid, there permanent damage may also result—I mean zina and trust me, it is quite easy for such guys to woo girls in.
You are so blessed that Allah swt brought you to this site as a means of trying to open your eyes; I wish I was so privileged at that time (although my family did tried to reason with me a lot, I just couldn’t see it then because I was too emotionally invested and my emotions blurred the bitter reality).
So please, do think over everything rationally. You know what is the right thing to do—you just need the strength and the push to go through it. We are here for you inshAllah, we will support you.
-Helping Sister
Salam Helping sister,
First of all i am very happy for you and i appriciate that you came back and shared your personal story with me. It made me feel that you understood my feelings and the situation im trapped in.. Throughout your post you have given me courage to move on and never become weak when it comes to guy matters..I now understand things better and can actually think of making a valuable decision about my life.
Alhumdolillah sis.
Salam nopromises,
I myself marriied a man that so many people told me not to. There were rumors that he drunk, had lots of girlfriends anything you can think of. I listened to my heart which said that I loved him to much just to listen to what others say. I'm now HAPPILY married El Hamdullah. Listen to your heart. My husband now prays, most of his praying is in the Mosque, reads Quran, etc. El Hamdullah. If Your fiance/boyfriend wants to change he will. If he doesn't hes not going to. Its up to you. Good Luck
munch,
you wrote: I listened to my heart which said that I loved him to much just to listen to what others say.
That is exactly what I am suggesting, that she listen to her heart and her gutt feeling which are telling her that she can't trust him because deep down she knows this isn't what she wants from a man.
There are rare cases where people with such a past change and become loyal husbands but unfortunately the majority do not.
I am not generalizing but it's better to be safe then to be sorry.
-Helping Sister
Assalamu alaykum Sister No promises,
You should know what a guy is at the time of "marriage".
We have to choose looking at the situation of "current" time and not "past" which was bad nor future which you think "will be good" because he "would" change.
Islam demands pretty much present actions for a better aakhirah and dunya as well.
Also, as sisters wrote above, I also agree, Allah is there to take care, guide, arrange for learning of Islam for whom he wills. You should rather separate yourself from a person with vices and as such he is a non mahram, there is also no need to be intimate by words or actions. Keep the distance.
Sisters have warned you. It is up to you. Remember the "present/current" status at the time of marriage. And remember also, whosoever cheats or goes astray, it is only against his own soul, it would be good if Allah separates us from such people at the earliest.
May Allah help you.
Salaam,
Your brother.
No mention of parents once again. Where in Islam does it say you can marry without the consent of your Wali? You talk about him wanting to change into a better person and doubting him etc etc, what of your decision to do this without the consent of your father?
What an awful feeling it must be for a parent when their child decides to have pre-marital relationships and then makes a life decision without informing or consulting them.
I will tell you to do what the people here have not, speak to your family and ask them to find you a good man, what is this silly nonsense of finding your own husband all about?
Islam says a virgin must marry with her father's consent and no man or woman can hold haraam relationships, so end this soap opera and do things the halal way.
Your parents know best for you, better than you know about yourself, ask them.
Hi John,
Thanks for been frank 😛 To be honest my father do not accept the guy because of the things he has heard about him..but my mum says its up to you. I know sometimes when i think about my parents and how my dad doesnt want me to be with him..i feel bad and guilty because they clearly have the right to find and get their daughter married to the guy they like and can be sure of..
Although at that time i was so overwhelmed with a lot of things...
Thank you and i am sorry about not mentioning my parents.
To Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you very much for all your responses...i appriciate everything you guys have said.
Im glad i have come across this beautiful site 🙂
Salamalykum sister,
I swear to you that your situation is very similar to mine. Please take me very serious this just happened to me 2 weeks ago literally. So I was never in love with a guy until i met a certain person. He asked for my hand we got engaged and then we did the islamic contract. He seemed like an angel. The guy every girl wishes to have. He is very good looking and he seemed super religious. He told me soooo much lies and i believed everything becuase i was blinded by love. He swept me off my feet and seemed very obsessed with me. It seems great when a guy is all about the girl especially for us muslim girls we never had boyfriends. So he was my first love, crush and everything. He used to cry to me telling me he missed out on his childhood because he was so strong to avoid girls and parties and ect. After i lived with him, i began seeing and learning his true side because it later came out. He turned from this religous praying pure guy into a guy who abuses me, smokes weed not stop. people told me that he has been clubing, drinking, and been with a lot of girls. I was naively fooled because i believed every single word he said. He told me he will take care of me and much more and that he has had a difficult life and no one loved him and everyone betrayed him. He guilt me into staying with him and dedicatign my life to make him happy. Turns out he didnt have a bad child hood instead he made other peoples lives miserable. I found out he was dealing and using, selling guns, providing girls and much more. i am still in love with this loser but i fell in love with someone he pretended to be at the beginnning. He turnedd out to be this irresponsible, selfish, abuser so i decided to leave him. I left him because that living style is haram. You cant be with somone knowning its haram, i wish i listened to my family and never married him because now my reputation is ruined, my health is ruined, im crushed and feel betrayed. I wish i had someone to guide me please i just and i am still going through this nightmare. Please go for the good boys i was married to a bad boy and it left me in bruises. You love him so much that your blindly in love with him. I didnt know much about my exs past i wish i did, you know about this guy please leave him. Mine used to threaten to kill himself if i ever left him, I left him and he is still breathign. He was the greates lier and actor i ever met. Please you dont deserve to feel like a persons doctor, teacher, mom or baby sitter marry someone instead who will make you feel like a mom. No matter how much you love him, be strong cuz at the end he will betray you just like mine did. Wow its ironic how simialr our stories are. I hope we have different endings. I hope you become the stronger person and never give this guy a chance. Men will do anything just for one thing. And when they get it they will leave you and if they notice your not giving up they will leave you. dont fall in love again with a bad boy, they are the ones that leave a girls heart bleeding and will not help you. Im expreinced and that is why you should take my advice very seriously.