Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He married someone else, now I’ve been committing zina with a married man

True Love

Dear sisters,

For the past year, I have been severely miserable and depressed and have come to a point where I don't know who to turn to and don't even want to carry on with life. I feel deeply ashamed of my past actions and can't come to term and accept the reality of the situation I have got myself into.

I was in a relationship with a man for four years whom I thought I would marry.  We were together for three years, and the man was a few years my senior who works in the same place as me. To make matters complicated he is also my boss. During our relationship, I committed many sins. Before I met him, I was a virgin, but we commited zinaa throughout our relationship, which is something I feel deeply ashamed and guilty of. I would tell this man, do you not feel guilty of the sin we have committed, to which he would say no, I don't see it as zina as I'm doing it with love.

I wasn't aware at the start of our relationship, but during our relationship he admitted to me that he used to drink and go to casinos occasionally, although he assured me he had stopped drinking. He kept our relationship secret from eveyone at work, our colleagues although everyone had their suspicions about us. I never told anyone of our relationship, but had told my mother and sister that I liked this man, they knew we were friends but nothing more.

My dad has always been strict and has made it clear that he would never allow any love marriage to take place. He would choose a husband for me and I would have to accept his choice. I believed if I found someone I truly love, I could convince my dad to put my happiness first.

The man in question was getting older (32) and got to a point where he asked my mother for my hand in marriage and my mum told him it would be difficult to get my dad to agree.

Every year my parents would take me to Pakistan, and would always show me guys whom they would want me to consider but I would always say no as my heart was with this man, I wanted to tell my parents at the right time.

He went to Pakistan for one month 2 years ago and before he went he said my parents want me to look at girls for marriage what shall I do? I told him to look for the sake of his mum, as I have been put in the position year after year after but felt if he loved me he would say no and come back to be with me. He went to Pakistan, got engaged without me knowing and was distant for the whole of his trip and didn't send much communication unless I messaged him first.

The day he was due back he messaged asking me to meet him at airport. I was upset at his lack of communication but had missed him so much and was just happy to meet him, he assured me it was just due to him spending time with family and he wasn't good at communication, which he never had been a good texter. I asked him if anything happened with him looking at girls and he said I don't want to discuss anything and assured me nothing happened and he was giving us one more year to see how things pan out.

During the next six months he maintained a physical relationship with me and everything was happy and normal with us. He gave no hints at being engaged and we committed zina many times 🙁 As time went on he became distant, would text less, and it got to a point where one of his family members from Pakistan he got them a job within our company. I asked him if he would tell them of our relationship after which I noticed him become more distant towards me. All of a sudden he was begining to change. I asked him if he was happy with us. He said he needed a break to consider us as he wasn't sure. I was taken aback and so upset as up till this point everything had been fine.

All Ramadan he broke up and said he needed time to consider us and the future. After Ramadan he continued to see me but wouldn't give me a clear answer so one night I called him saying I want you to speak to my mum and ask her for my hand in marriage if you are serious.....which is when he dropped his bombshell of him being engaged. He lied about details saying it wasn't a proper engagement, it had happened only a few months back over the phone and he hardly spoke to the girl. I was beyond devastated. I asked him to break that off and to give us a chance and for the next 5 months he kept me in a relationship on the false promise that he would speak to his parents.

He then said it's best we become friends and broke off our relationship completely but as we work together we would see each other and things became difficult. He assured me that no marriage was planned for him and he didn't love or talk to this other girl apart from one or two messages which he showed me.He then went away for his monthly trip back home and two weeks before admitted that in fact he was going for his marriage and that a whole wedding had been planned. He said he couldn't let me go or stop that wedding as it had all been planned and he didn't want to let his parents down. He said that the marriage wouldn't be from the heart, it would be a charade and that he wasn't happy, that the past year he hadn't told me but had also started drinking again. After he told me about his engagement he also started going back to casino to take his mind off things. He said he felt ashamed that he had lied and from that one lie everything spiralled out of control.

I felt used, hurt,  I was so distraught that while he was with me, behind my back he was part of planning his own wedding. I fell into depression and took time off work. The thought that the man I was so intimately close to and wanted to spend my life with had lied so much and was away to marry tore me apart. He got married and I was still off work and he constantly messaged asking me to consider second marriage, that he couldn't let me go.

On my return to work, I feel deeply ashamed to say this but after many talks with him we realised we still had feelings and we committed zina a few times. He would in turn ignore his wife (who he left back in pk) and she could sense that his heart was with someone else. He now wants me to consider being his second wife, as he doesn't want to let me go and he doesn't want to divorce his wife - which is illegal in the UK so I wouldn't be able to register my marriage. I don't want a second marriage where I would have to share my husband but cannot imagine being with anyone else after losing my virginity to this man.

Why would another man want to marry me? 🙁 how could I ever find the love I had with this man with someone else?

I feel so torn apart. I am suffering so much now knowing he's married and the sins I committed and don't feel I deserve forgiveness from Allah as every time I would repent I would fall back into the same sins. I know I have done a terrible thing letting this man's love take over and over last three months committed zina with a married man. He said he didn't feel guilty as he doesn't love his wife and he loves me and he doesn't consider it cheating as he wants to marry me.

I repented for my sins and have tried to pray but sadness is just taking over. I cannot seem to move on with my life. I have to see this man every day at work. He wants to bring his wife to the UK to live with him in the next few months. He wants me to consider second marriage so he can speak to his parents and marry me but it's not what I want yet I can't seem to let him go as I can't see my life without him. My parents would also never accept me marrying a man as a second wife. I want Allah to forgive me but I know zina is a major sin and feel so ashamed that I don't even know if I deserve or will be granted forgiveness. Please advise as I really do not know what steps to take and what is right.

MuslimGirl88


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146 Responses »

  1. You just had a sexual relationship with a man who is married. This man still wants to have sex with you under disguise of second marriage. This man is also commiting adultry as he is already married.All men say their wives are not good when they want to have an affair. I am sure you can find another man to marry you.
    You can get hymenoplasty if you are afraid about your lost virginity. Even your family does not know "how far" you went with this man. So other men will not know about your past also unless you tell them.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      It's important to remember that hymenoplasty operations are surgical procedures, with all the risks associated with that - general anaesthetic, infections, etc. - non-essential surgery isn't something to take lightly, as it can have significant consequences.

      Also, it could be considered as cosmetic surgery - and as such, the concerns regarding the permissibility of such procedures as they can be seen as altering Allah's creation, which would not be allowed Islamically.

      Plus, many women break their hymens in childhood or adolescence, through physical activity rather than sexual acts - for example, horse-riding and gymnastics are common sports in which a girl's hymen may be stretched or broken. Or, it could be broken for medical reasons (eg. treatment of a disease, or because of conditions such as an imperforate hymen).

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. I agree sister. It is time to stop and cut him off completely as what is your doing is very dangerous and terrible sin. The devil got to you by telling you that it's too late so you can keep sinning but it's never too late you just have to take that action about cutting him off and being professional with him at work and even looking for another job might help you. No matter what he says it is not true feeling. He will keep want to recommit the sin and coming back to you because sadly it's just a physical relationship and don't expect anything more from him. There is a Hadith which I don't remember the details but basically the devil will make a haram relationship more attractive than a halal one. So as soon as someone gets married the devil will try to make the wife ugly looking but when it's haram then the devil will make it attractive.

    Return to The straight path and stick to it. I wouldn't tel anyone about what happened and don't feel bad about telling anyone. Not even your future husband should know under any circumstances don't open up. Allah is more forgiving than humans so when you repent and not return to your sin, Allah covers that sin with a blanket but when you talk about it and bring it up again, you are just taking that cover off.

    Save money on the side and get the surgery done hymenoplasy but please stop zinna right away. His promise to you is nothing but the devil promise speaking thru him. No relationship before marriage stick with that. If you did before you wouldn't have got yourself in this to begin with.

    May Allah forgive you and guide you.

    Salam,

    Rami

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Please see my post above about reasons why hymenoplasty and similar surgical procedures should not be considered lightly.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • Assalmaualakium,

        Yes I agree and I don't encourage it. I also agree with you that it can be broken in childhood and this issue happened to my wife with a bike injury and I did not question it but I did think about it a few times and you know the devil would add what if thoughts to our minds. However some parents or husbands maybe strict and make a huge deal from it. Depending on culture Unfortunately some parent may go as far as honor issue and may harm her or she may get pressured or have to swear on the Quran by her husband. Some weak girls take their life because of this but she sounds strong and she can deal with this.

        Allah is all forgiving

  3. This man is a coward and he does not deserve you. I advise you to cut all ties with him including changing your number, relocate in your job if you have too. He is now married let him get on with it. It is haraam to be with someone who is married and mostly do you think its fair on the other lady you both doing wrong. Its not her fault (the wife) she has a cheating useless of a man. You both clearly knew your actions were wrong but certain individuals do not care unless they get what they get until something else better comes along. Stop allowing him to manipulate you any further, you gave him 4 years of chances. I know it is hard for you but why be with someone who was never yours to begin with and he could never be honest. Don't waste anymore of your time, rebuild, refocus in your prayers and repent may Allah make it easy for you.

    • I was in the relationship with the intention of marriage. I know a physical relationship was wrong there's no excuses but at the time I didn't see it as being wrong as I was so caught up with him. He only told me two weeks before he went to go get married. I know I should have cut all ties with him but I was so distraught and upset. I ended up telling my mother and sister about our relationship although I didn't tell them about the pysical aspect. So they can't fully understand why it has affected me so badly. At work everyone sees this man as someone with authority and very profession. I am unable to leaves job to money commitments. I feel so so terrible as my parents now want me to consider getting married and my head feels so messed up. I shouldn't think about it but it upsets me that everything he promised me he has now given to someone else. the thought of me marrying someone else after me getting intimate with him feels wrong. I am afraid I'll never truely e happy in a marriage as I don't deserve it. I have started to pray and ask for forgiveness as I feel so ashamed for my actions. I once read if u tell people ur sin you won't be forgiven as I have told people about our relationship 🙁 I hate him for what he has done but know I am equally to blame for even going near what is haraam. I'm unable to eat sleep and constantly feel depressed. I hae lost 3 stones in the last two months and due to my mother or sister not knowig the full details they don't understand how deeply it has affected me.

      • I understand I get it I know you was in it for marriage trust me sister I really get that. BUT there is no point dwelling, you have to move on. Its a blessing from Allah it wasn't meant to be. He is not a real man he wasn't even bothered to tell you to your face or was willing to be honest. Do you think its right committing zina while he is married now. Also if he really cared about you don't you think he would have asked for your hand in marriage in the first place regardless or you could have married regardless whatever issues your parents had. You did have a choice ISLAM gives us that choice to chose our own husband. BUT I am sorry this guy was a lair to begin with he had no intentions of marrying you.He is making excuses, sweet talking and is basically using you when he wants open your eyes please. He was after one thing without considering the consequences of the actions. Just like the guys I have had proposals from they all wanted sex before marriage and its not worth losing your respect or dignity that's what im trying to say women who are naive and vulnerable are easily led its true. You need to have respect for yourself and I think if you lose that then you lose everything else. Women are easily led by men who think some are easy takers and are given false impressions. This is not your fault. But you NOW need to let go and move on. May Allah make it easy for you inshAllah. (ps i feel like im talking to a little sister i never had but please do not take offense i am being honest with you so wish i knew you personally then i could have stopped you getting involved with this man your post is quite sad)

        • Another thing I want to add is YES you deserve to be happy and MARRIED REGARDLESS. Don't let this hold you back if a proposal comes take it and make sure your family is aware and keep them updated. Do not disclose your sin to anyone and may Allah give you sabr.

      • salam
        sisiter i hope you are fine. Sister just remember that ALLAH is rehman and raheem. Don't take tension you have a bright future and there are not many people out there who think about there actions

      • Sister listen to me carefully.
        Allah States in the Quran clearly that if you ask for forgiveness sincerely he will forgive you and change you bad deeds into good deeds. Never lose hope in Allah mercy. Just remember the story of the man who killed 100 and still got forgiven if u haven't please search and read this. Allah WILL FORGIVE your sins just keep repenting. When Allah makes a promise he keeps it. He's not like us humans who break promises. Going onto no man will marry u that is 100% completely untrue. Do you think men only think about sex and if the woman is a virgin, believe me I'm a man I we don't..don't worry. A pure woman marries only a pure man and vice versa unless you repent. This basically means when you repent you become like a virgin and clean/pure, but if you don't repent you cannot marry a virgin/clean person.Muhammad s.a.w says the one who repents from a sin is like the one who never committed a sin in this case you will be a virgin. Main point here is that when you repent Allah makes you clean and pure. I believe in you sister that the fact you feel guilt after doing this is that your heart is good and your not a bad human. Last point remember Allah knows we're weak and commit sin day in day out all of us. So do not despair in Allahs mercy no matter how bad of a sin any of us commit. I'm sure everyone here will make Dua for you aswell alongside myself. Read Quran as well as verily hearts find rest in the book of Allah.

        • U r wrong,after repenting people get forgivness but they dont become virgin again,there is no proof of that.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Putting your previous feelings for this man aside for a moment, the fact is that this man is married. His wife, as your sister in Islam, deserves to be treated with respect; even if he is not doing this, you can - walk away from an illicit relationship with her husband. While it is permissible in Islam for a man to have more than one wife, it is a requirement that he treats his wives with fairness - I would be concerned that he would not be fair to you or to her, and his current and past behaviour says a lot about his character.

    From what you have written, I think you already know in your heart, that this relationship won't lead to a happy marriage and life together. Be brave, turn to Allah for help and strength, and create your own future by following Allah's teachings rather than being someone's secret.

    InshaAllah, people who have felt strong attractions and love can find love elsewhere. I think that every relationship is different, but different doesn't mean better or worse. When looking for examples for any situation, I find it helps to think about the lives of The Prophet (peace be upon him) and his Companions (may Allah be pleased with them). In this case, there is an example in the life of The Prophet himself (peace be upon him) - he and Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) had a very happy marriage, and after she left this life, The Prophet (peace be upon him) did, by the grace of Allah, marry again and have happy marriages again. If Allah wills it, you can and will love a man who will treat you with love and respect - remember that Allah is the Controller of Hearts.

    I'm sure you already know that the relationship you had with this man was haraam, and that you need to repent for this. Offer repentance and make sure you do not place yourself at risk of repeating this in the future. If need be, look for a job elsewhere, in an environment where you would be less likely to form attractions to colleagues (eg. a sisters-only office, or a job where co-workers try to keep proper boundaries).

    I would advise NOT having surgery to replace your hymen - a hymen doesn't make you a virgin, not having one doesn't prove you aren't a virgin, and your future husband will deserve a relationship built on reality rather than on a lie. There are risks attached to any operation, and such an operation could be considered to be altering Allah's creation - which leads to concerns about whether it would be acceptable at all in Islam.

    Once you feel ready, why not talk with your parents about finding a marriage partner? You have the right to choose to marry or not marry someone, so have the right to be involved in the process of finding a spouse, as long as you keep within Islamic limits! You could speak with your mother about the things you would like in a husband, and ask to meet with potential matches in a family meeting, so that you can decide for yourself if they are of good character.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Thank you so much for your response. I stopped the relationship as soon as I realised the serverity of my sins 🙁 I think he kept me for all these years while he got himself settled and happy in a marriage and I feel I have ruined my future and happiness for a man and did so many wrongs. I ask for forgiveness all the time but feel so low that at one point even considered taking my own life as my parents would be so ashamed if they ever come to know the truth 🙁 what if I don't get forgiven? How can this man move on so easily and be happy while I feel so bad for all that we did. I know islamically operations to alter the body r haraam and I don't want to do more wrongs. But I'm very scared in regards to marriage and my future husband.What if asks do I lie? I just feel so ashamed.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        If in the future, the man you marry one day asks if you were a virgin when you met him, rather than disclosing your past or lying to him, you could say something along the lines of "my past is between me and Allah, and I ask that you respect that, as I have chosen to build my future with you".

        What happened between you and this man is over, you are repenting and addressing the issues that led to the sins, inshaAllah... trust that Allah is Most Forgiving and Most Merciful. The first two names of Allah in the Quran are these - we can have faith that He is merciful and will hear our sincere repentance. Don't think of harming yourself, as that would not solve anything, and would only compound the difficulties - you are a Muslimah, and so you are strong enough that you can come through this, inshaAllah.

        One area in which you may wish to be cautious is when considering a potential spouse, if they are adamant that they only wish to marry a virgin, it might be better for both of you if you find a tactful way to decline the proposal - you wouldn't need to disclose your past, but could politely say that you don't feel you are compatible with him and leave it at that. Then, he can go on and inshaAllah find a girl that meets his criteria, and you can inshaAllah find a man for whom virginity is not an absolute essential and who may better understand your situation should he find out about your past.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • Repent for the rest of your life for all the zinaa you have committed. ..its a major sin. Let this be a lesson you learn..never allow yourself to get used and be cheap.

        • Read about prophet musa being forgiven for murder. Nouman Ali Khan talks about it in one of his story night videos: Musa (AS) realised that he made a mistake (hitting the man) and immediately asked Allah subhana wa ta'ala to forgive him. And he moved on which teaches us that we should never let our past rule our present and future.
          Brother Nouman mentioned one of the names of Allah Subhana ta'ala 'Rakib' which roughly means that He is looking after us, taking care of us. We are like dumb sheep, almost jumping out of the cliff and He is holding all of us with the back of our necks! Subhanallah!

  5. I can only imagine your hurt and pain and on top of that all the guilt and shame. It is so hard, I can understand.

    First the suggested hymenoplasty - this is a lie, and any relationship on a lie will blow up in your face in future. Do not base your relationship on a lie. Imagine how would he feel if it ever came out that you had this procedure to hide your relationship with a man who had sex for long time - this would be a death blow, and these things have a way of coming out.

    Surely if a furture husband marries only if you are virgin cannot have a real relationship with you? A relationship is based on much more than just sex and virginity. Otherwise it can never be a relationship.

    Obviously you are still very attached to this man. And it so difficult to come to terms with the shock and pain you have suffered. This will take time.

    Here is the solution:

    Do not blame yourself for everything. In this universe everything happens only due to the will of the Almighty. Nothing can happen without His will. Not even a leaf can move without His will.

    The guilt will not help you at all. Let the guilt go and surrender to the will of the Almighty.

    Please remember that the only forgiveness is the forgiveness of the Almighty. He alone is capable and worthy of asking forgiveness. He will give you strength and your parents guidance. Have faith in Him.

    Now, as hard as it is, and as difficult it is to accept, trust me, loosing this man is good riddance.

    Surely when he sleeps with you he says he dislikes his wife and when he sleeps with the wife he does the same - he is basically cheating on both of you. Such a man is not worthy or worth crying over.

    Perhaps you can take shelter of your mother and in confidence share your problem with her? If not your mother someone else in your family. You must get the truth out so that your burden can be reduced and then you can rebuild your life.

    You cannot build a new life without clearing the ruins of the existing relationship.

    Our minds are very polarized. To let go of one thing we need to be attached to another. We need something else to take our mind off what we are obsessing over. In other words, you need to find another passion (not a man) that you can devote your time and energy to and as you get absorbed in your new passion (study, art, etc) it will be easier to get over this traumatic experience. Dedicate your time to charity, study, or something that you really like. It will help you greatly.

    Also try to find another job, so you can breathe a little better. The suffocation at present must be very heavy.

    I have personally suffered similar experience and dealt with in a similar manner.

    During this time, the importance of prayer cannot be understated.

    Wish you all the strength and good for the future,

    Ben
    Remember that life is precious and never consider suicide.

    Also everything happens for a reason and there is something good that comes out of everything.

  6. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I agree with everyone in that you should cut all ties with this man and start to rebuild your relationship with Allah swt. At this moment, you probably will get feelings that you are not worthy of anyone and that everything is ruined. It is true that a lot of damaged has occured, but inn shaa Allah, the relationship with your Creator has not been damaged beyond repair. I know it is natural to worry about who would marry you now, but I sincerely believe this is shaitaan's whisper to distract you from worrying first and foremost about pleasing Allah swt. Ultimately, it is Allah that will Judge you, Hear you, Know of your sincerity, Listen to your cries, Forgive you, and Love you. I hope that you shift your full attention for now to Allah and repair the damage than worry about anything else. All that other worry is just shaitaan who is trying to minimize that bond we have with Allah. After all, we are not in control of what happens in our lives, except for what we do.

    Spend time praying to Allah swt and asking for forgiveness. Promise that you will not repeat this mistake ever again. Do not miss any of your prayers and do as much dhikr as you can. If you feel bad and guilty for what you did, don't fight those feelings, but rather immerse yourself in them to recognize the weight of your actions. When we sin, and feel that guilt, it often causes us sadness and makes us cry--this isn't such a bad thing because we learn about what we did, and hope to never repeat it again.

    If I were you, I would look for work elsewhere because the temptation will constantly be there. I know you have mentioned that you need the money, but it really isn't wise to stay in this situation. Your Aakhirah is much more important than anything else. So, at least, make the effort to find other work and inn shaa Allah, Allah will help you as your intention will be to escape from this situation.

    Try to avoid negative thoughts about how things are ruined. Do not put the evilness of shaitaan's traps and whispers above the Mercy of Allah swt. Allah's powers are not limited - so believe in them and at the same time do not repeat this error and make light of Allah's Mercy either. Avoid negative people and those who will judge you - remember it is Allah who will judge you. So if you, in your heart of hearts, repent and realize your error, change your ways, learn to respect and love yourself - inn shaa Allah, better times will come. You do your part and leave all the "what if's" in the hands of Allah.

    I pray that Allah forgives you, that Allah forgives the sins of our Ummah, and that we realize what treasures we have in our deen, Islam, before it is too late, Ameen.

  7. I know a lot of people here say tell your future husband he has the right to know and so on.

    First of all, you repent to Allah and no one else. You need his forgiveness and no one else's. Your sin belongs to you and only Allah can choose to wipe it from your books. I had that mentality before where I demanded to know about my wife's past and it got me no where. Then I saw a video for some scholar who made sense to me. He said why tell people about your sin. Why tell the people you love by hurting them. This is your past it stays behind you between you and Allah. You ask Allah to forgive and surly Allah is all forgiving, he will put a cover on your sin and hide it in life and after inshallah. The fact you telling him will hurt him and it maybe used against you during marriage arguments and fights. Who else has the power to remove your sin other than the creator.

    Everyone is saying he has the right to know but think about it, this man probably is not perfect, who knows if he was honest and tell her everything. If you are really ashamed of a sin then keep it sealed and don't return to it don't hurt people with it. I know you posted it on here but your intention was for help not to brag about it.

    Salam,

    Rami

    • Thank you brother for sharing your words. It is very nice to know that there are brothers who are focused on the relationship with Allah and not preoccupied with the unchangeable sins of the past.

      May Allah bless your marriage with much love, mercy and joy, Ameen.

    • Islam q and a answers this and I have asked many other imams and scholars and they all concur:

      The man has no right to seek out information on the past from which his wife has repented, for the reasons outlined above. And the women should not tell her husband of what happened in the past that she has repented from; she should cover herself as Allaah has covered her. End quote.

      Thirdly:

      It is hoped that the wife will adhere to the oath she made when she swore to him that she did not have anything bad in her past. He has no right to force her to talk about her past, let alone make her swear. If she did that, it is a kind of permissible lying, even if she swore an oath, so as to ward off her husband’s foolishness and protect her honour, and to protect her husband and children.

      We are surprised that a righteous wife would retract her oath and disclose a past which Allaah had concealed.

      Many women ask about the ruling on telling their husbands about a past in which they admit to having committed sins from which they have repented. No one should have any doubt that the ruling is that they definitely should not tell, so as to protect the concealment that Allaah has granted, and so as to prevent her being shamed, and to protect her honour from being impugned by anyone, and to protect their married life from any disturbance.
      ....
      At the beginning of this answer we mentioned other benefits that have to do with concealing sins committed by the wife before marriage. We do not know of anyone who heard about his wife’s bad past and began to love her more or trust her more, even if she has repented sincerely and become righteous after that. On the contrary, we have seen and heard that doubts increase and that husbands keep a close watch on them and prevent them from doing things that Allaah has permitted, and that ends in divorce because it is impossible for them to live together.

      http://www.************/en/ref/91961/

      • You can ask to your future spouse whether they are virgin or not. Since Lisa used Islamqa to justify her view. I am also going to use it to justify

        Should he ask whether his fiancée is a virgin?

        arur
        Although it may not be respectful, is there anything wrong in asking a future wife-to-be whether she is a virgin or not?

        Praise be to Allaah.
        If there is some doubt concerning a (future) wife’s chastity, then you have the right to find out, but if you do not have any doubts, there is no need for this, because it may generate hatred and enmity, and be a reason for a lack of peace of mind.

        Shaykh ‘Abd al-Kareem al-Khudayr.

        http://islamqa.info/en/21566

  8. This is the reason Islam not only ordains segregation of sexes but most importantly orders enforcement of purdah or veil.
    Many people take a casual attitude at mixing of sexes, without understanding its consequences.
    Do you know that, It is not at all permissible for both man/woman to look at non-Mahrams (not related by blood) due to the danger of creating Fitnah, but putting the gaze down. Importantly, more so it is not at all permissible even to touch a non-Mahram woman, because the danger of creating Fitnah is even greater.
    The Prophet has said that the harm of touching a non-Mahram is so great that it is better to have an iron nail driven into one’s head than touch the opposite sex. (Quoted in Tibrani-Hadith)
    The man just used you. Pre-marital love equation fades when man is satisfied, nothing else matters except dumping woman, on top of that getting married then both of you committing the act.
    First thing first, say good bye to this job, cut off with no contacts ever with this undignified, unrespectful man and this work place.
    Observe complete hijab, i mean burqa with compulsory niqab/ face veil.
    Repent, repent, repent. Remorse and regret inbuilt in you, for the rest of your lives.
    Turn back to Allah, increase your connections.
    Sister, seriously you need to change, its your decision, hurt,pain,guilt,shame will not leave you except seeking forgiveness of Allah constantly 24/7.
    If you dont want to involve and discuss family in these issue, you cannot solve it alone. The man will only cheat, he will never marry you as he has been married somewhere else.
    Increase your relationship with Allah, think of raising family in halal way and pray for a religious groom.
    Sister, now kindly don't rock your own boat.
    May Allah have mercy upon you.

  9. I'm talking from experience, stay far far away from this guy. The easiest way would be to find a new job. I quit my easy-going nice job to get away from him. And alhumdullilah Allah rewarded me with a much better job. It took about six months and a lot of rejection, but it was well worth it in the long run.

    He was just using you till he found a permanent companion that was worth (in his mind) to have a valid nikkah. If he truly loved you, he would of islamicly validated the relationship, he would NOT have married another, he would of been honest to you from the beginning... Believe me, when the son is 32 the aunties want their son to get married to anyone, the parents don't have much control, he chose to marry her on his own free will. She is an exit relationship, and he's just using u for lust. She's probably pregnant right now and he's probably hiding it fom u.

    Guys will even get to the point where they get so manipulating that they put their wives on speaker phone, and they r telling their wives that they r in love with someone else in front of the mstress, but then at night they call the wife back up and say that I was seduced by my coworker and I love u and have my marraige with u, so don't worry. Then if the wife is upset, the manipulating husband buys her an expensive ring to vouch for his commitment to her, while he just but a LV bag for the mistress.

    I totally know its going to be difficult, but u must change your whole life to get over him. Every time u give into him the weaker you will get. Everytime you fight the desire to be with him or to talk to him, the stronger you will get.

    May Allah ease your pain and reward you with something unimaginably better.

    • i was comntemplating leaving job to remove myself from this situation. My job is a good job, i have good pay, holidays, and get extra time to go read jummah on fridays. the only hard and difficult thing is he is my boss, and the company is very very small, 4- 5 people, so i have to be in contact with him and see him every day, which now is affecting me really badly. i knwo this is a test and i need to be strong.

      i realise my mistake was when i finally asked him last year to come for my hand in marriage and ask my dad and mum, when he first then told me he was 'kind of' enagged..i should have just walked away. i didnt. for he convinced me it was all his parents, it wasnt what he wanted and he would try to talk to them. i was foolish to believe him. even when he then suggested to be friends after a few mionths i couldnt accept the man i gave my heart was going to walk away.

      after his marriage, when he returend i was strong and tried to stay away, but he persisted on second marriage, that he wanted me in his life, that he made a mistake, one conversation turned into anouther, and when i say we commited zinna, it was 3-4 times in duration of three months, one thing would lead to anouther. i felt really bad and had immense guilt, knowing i was thinking with my heart and not my head..that i should fear god,after knowing that he had cheated on his wife so willingly and easily and i had been the cause all because i still had feeligns , so i told him do you not feel guilty he would say no i have intentions to marry you and it doesnt feel wrong when i am with you. after this i relasied my mistake and told him we should have no contact unles work wise if nothing would come of our relationship in a halal way - for i know hes married and even though he says he wants second marriage, i never wanted to be a second wife.

      i started suffering from panic attacks at work. i took the courage and advice and told my friend, sister adn mother about our relationship, and although they do not know about the physical relationsions exatly how far it went.My mother has alsways known i have liked this man and wanted to marry, for i didnt mention in me original post that she has spoken to him quite a few times, and would even make lunch for us both. i had apporached her to ask 2 years previously to ask my father for his hand in marriage, and he did at one point speak to my mother, she told him my father was strict, and he asked that he wouldl ie and say we do not work together,. she said its best not to start married life on a lie. My dad went away to perfor hajj and i told him hoenslt it would be difficualt to get my dad to agree. well he gave me promise that he would always be by my side but i guess he didnt want to wait or ask my dad.
      my family belioeve it was a case of me wanting to marry this man, and that he went got enagegd, and while he did conceal his enagagemt when i came to knwo it was 6 months into it, i asked him to come to my mum and dad direct and he stated he could not. my mum and sister say be stong, that allah has saved you from this man,my mum wasnt to happy that i was in a relationship and has said to focus on my deen... go into work, and be strictly professional. she said if he tried to talk on a personal level or persue you, i will come up and tell him to back off.

      i know i shoudlnt feel sad, about losing somome who treated me badly, lied , used and manioulated me, i feel the last year of our relatioship was a lie, he was enagged and had no intention of marriage to me although he claims he hoped something would happen, but he was a kind hearted man before all the lies started, before his enaggament,. he says he made a mistake by not telling me, and he didnt act strongly for us. i feel the sadness at him started and giving the life he promised me to anouther girl, thoughts of him being with her make me feel hrut and used, that what he did with me now he will with her when i have no right to think these thouights. i feel sickened at the thouight of being with someone else physcially as i always thought the man who was my first would be my last. my sister at one point called him to say stay away from her and act proefessional now you are married, and he said i want to do second marriage whats wrong with that. he doesnt see how his actions have fully hurt me, he says i have made a mistake feel bad but now want to rectify it.and says i dont want to let u go and leave you, wants me to agree on second marriage as hes already told his mother that is his intention - i never ever imagined myself in this sitauion. i wish i had never got involved, and knwo he would never treat his wife as badly as he has treated me.

      second marriage is not something i would ever ever consider, and i have tried now to pray my 5 daily prayers and ask for forgivness and that allah removes this pain and him from my heart.

      • .

        I am confused, when you say your dad is strict, will not allow love- marriage, what kind of strict dad he is? He lets his daughter work among non-mahrams men and does not bother to keep a vigil, while the daughter engages in zina for four long years.

        So, you don't want to accept his offer of second marriage and don't like to be a second wife which means that you either you want your boss to divorce his wife ( which he will never do, I am guessing ) and marry you or you have no qualms to marry another innocent or pious man, fool him & his family about your past and destroy his life, this is height of hypocrisy. Even if you marry someone else and keep this job, there is a high probability that you will continue physical relations with your boss, given your uncontrollable promiscuous and haram behaviour all these years and your reluctance to leave this man or the job, even after he married another woman.

        The man is a big player,he took your virginity and also married a traditional wife from his native place and now continues physical relations with you by making excuses that he does not love his new wife.

        Being his second wife is better, than being his mistress or ruining some other innocent brothers life.

        • I think u have misunderstood maybe due to wording of my post as when I wrote it I was very distressed. I was in a relationship with this man and during the first three years although we did have a physical relathionship, Ihe knew I was a Virgin and slowly talked me into saying he would marry me. We had intercourse twice. My dad allowed me to work although never encouraged any sort of relationship and always said I don't want you to form any relationships with males. It was my fault I went against his wises and let my feelings take over. I belived this man was genuine, and had intention to talk to my dad about marriage but I wanted the man to speak to father first

          In regards to second marriage, firstly it is not legal here in uk. I asked him if u r serious, I will consider it although it's not something I wanted, because I know it's better to be with the man I lost my virginity to rather than lie to someone else, I asked him to talk to his parents. He said his parents would agree eventually. Now he is away again visiting his wife for his siters weddig and is saying his parents r not agreeing. My mum knew of him aski me for second marriage and she was unhappy knowing that he didn't marry me the first time and lied and kept me in a relationship with the intention to marry someone else also the fact he used to drink and gamble that she does not want me to even consider it. She wants me to repent and they r now looking for a possible husband. I know I did wrong, but that doesn't mean I would ruin anouther mans life. R u to say that the man who did this doesn't deserve his wife although now he is married after what he did to me? That anyone who has been in a relathionship and realised there mistake never deserves a second chance even though they regret there actions and should stay with the same man? I will not be having any sort of relationship with him. I changed my number and trying to forget. I realised I made a mistake

          • Assalam alaikum Sister MuslimGirl88,

            I said it in my post and I will say it again. Please avoid negative comments and become very focused on repairing your relationship with Allah swt. You have seen your error and you should feel regret for what it has done to your soul. Block out negative people and thoughts at this time because it may cause you harm. If you need anyone's opinion and judgement, it is Allah's judgement that matters the most. Read the Quran, in particular about punishment, reward, and forgiveness

            You shouldn't spend your time trying to justify your actions, wrong or right, to people especially when they do not know the meaning of promiscuous. Not that that condones your behaviour with your boss - but none of that talk is going to bring you back on track which is essentially what any Muslim would want for another Muslim Sister or Brother.

          • MuslimGirl88: I asked him if u r serious, I will consider it although it's not something I wanted, because I know it's better to be with the man I lost my virginity to ..... Now he is away again visiting his wife for his siters weddig and is saying his parents r not agreeing.

            He is the one who suggested you second marriage. I think he meant he wants to continue having sex with you under disguise of a (secret) second marriage. When you talked about it, all of a sudden his parents come in.

            Most Asian men use "parents" as an excuse to get out of a relation after getting what they want from a girl. I am sure his parents and his religion forbid to have sex with a woman he is not married too.

            Truth is most men will do it if they get a chance. Most women worry about consequences of doing it.

        • Brother J has made valid points. The feminists over here only want to promote their point of view and are calling everyone to ignore Brother J's comment.

      • Believe me. I know what you are going through,and I'm talking from experience. I also had an awesome job and I never imagined getting anything better. Stay at this job and just apply like crazy at other companies. Working on your resume and doing interviews will get your mind off of him too. Cause he's going to charm his way back into your life. He's going to tell you that he made the biggest mistake of his life marrying this other girl. He's going to manipulate you and make you think that he's going to leave the other girl. Then miraculously she will get pregnant and then he will have to stay with her till the baby is born. Then he will be like I can't throw my baby on the street and cry to you that I'm trapped in a loveless marriage and I think about u all day long...blah blah blah. Allah swt took him away from you for reason. Now take one step toward Allah swt and Allah will come running ten steps towards you. It's going o be extremely challenging, painful, emotional and difficult, but there is no other way. You have to go through this torture, stay strong n obedient towards Allah and you will get through this inshallah.

        • you said you have been in a similar experience, what helped you deal with it and move on? would you say you have recovered fro mthe experience now? you are 100% right, after getting married he said all those things, that he made a mistake, he didnt want to lose me, he wanted a chance to make things right, i was refusing to speak to him but needed answer so gave him a chance to explain himself and that was my mistake. he has made it clear that he cant do divorce as in ismal he sees it has a bad thing, he says its not about feelings, and he said my soltuion to this was second marriage as i now can change past. he said i have duty towards her as her husband to have a physical relathionship to her but that he could do it without feleing. these words made me open my eyes to the type of man he was.

          i have started looking for a job, but in the meantime i am still here, i have changed my number and have minimal contact with him during office hours and r trying to stay strong.

          • Asalamu Alaikum

            How are you doing now? You asked how I deal with it? I keep extremely busy and started counseling on love addiction. I was extremely obsessed over him and now alhumdullilah I not obsessed over him, but tired of feeling empty. During the weekdays I'm fine, because alhumdullilah Allah has blessed me with the best job. But during holidays I get triggered and I start to miss him immensely. But it's been extremely painful, but alhumdullilah I have lots more better days then bad days. I treat my relationship like an addiction and he was my choice of drug. During workshops I learned that the more you give into haram the more control it will have over you and the more you fight the stronger you will be over your temptations.

      • Do a sexual harrassment case on the guy. He is ur boss he cannot legally have a relationship with you. Or ask him to quit his job and you will marry him. If he does ur problems are solved and u dump him and stay at his job. Guys like this need to be punished and its not fair that women always gert the blame.

        • he won't quit his job. it is his company, I have taken some time of work to try and get some distance from the whole situation. it has been 5 months now and everyday is a struggle for me but I know I have no choice but to somehow move on. He claims he is not unhappy but not happy either and says I didn't use you and I did love and care for you, that he is taking things one day at a time and it's best we both move on as thier is no solution for us anymore. I considered second marriage but it's not something my mother agreed on and it turned out his proposal for second marriage wasn't serious, he hadn't told his parents he had mentioned it to his mum but she told him clearly that his family would not give me a proper wedding, he also said that if it was to go ahead he would never register our marriage for he wants to call his first wife over and would hav to register her for that. I know he treated me badly but I can't seem to get what happened out my head. I have been praying and have repented everyday still feel such emptiness. He is now happy and moving on preparing to brin his wife over and I'm left feeling broken ad used. Me says he would like to be friends and feels guilty for how he treated me but I feel he has so easily it away with breaking someone's heart, holding my life back while settlin himself and all the lies.

          • I know this is very difficult for you and your not the first girl to go through this. This man has controlled you and clearly used you to the point where he was never going to be man enough to be HONEST WITH YOU OR TO HIS PARENTS ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP. I honestly THINK FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY TO LEAVE THIS JOB AND MOVE FAR AWAY FROM HIM. You don't want him brainwashing you any further or giving you any sop story etc. The more you see him the more this will cause harm to you. I seriously think you need TO HAVE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF. There are plenty of jobs out there DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO TO GET FAR AWAY FROM THIS MONSTER.

            I feel so angry it is becoming the NORM for men and women to have premarital relationships BEFORE marriage and FOR A MAN TO DEMAND A VIRGIN BACK HOME when he himself clearly ruin another woman's life, then WHY MAKE PROMISES EVEN IF YOU CANT KEEP THEM. In your case this clearly shows NEVER TRUST A MAN OR EVER BE ALONE AND THIS IS WHY. I am not putting you down want you to realise you can get over this and hopefully within time you will become a better person inshAllah NOT LOOKING BACK WHAT IF'S OR WHAT BUT'S. Let him be he has CLEARLY moved on. Let yourself heal and MOVE ON, you deserve better.

        • Nina: Do a sexual harrassment case on the guy. He is ur boss he cannot legally have a relationship with you?

          This blog is one proof that it was not a sexual harassment. Both parties has consensual sex and used each other sexually for fun. Boss is already married. I am sure no one else in the office knows about this affair. OP can find some one else and continue to work tell she finds a better job.

        • Nina: Do a sexual harrassment case on the guy. He is ur boss he cannot legally have a relationship with you?

          This blog is one proof that it was not a sexual harassment. Both parties had consensual sex and used each other sexually for fun. Boss is already married. I am sure no one else in the office knows about this affair. OP can find some one else to marry and continue to work till she finds a better job.

        • how can people have sex before marriage,i just dont get it.i want to do it but i dont have the courage like other people,why is that?

          • Astaghfirullah. This is a sad and pathetic comment. Is this the status of the Muslim youth now, that they think disobedience to Allah takes courage? It doesn't take courage. It takes foolishness and lack of shame. Why would you want to do something that will shame you in Allah's eyes, damage your deen, and doom your aakhirah? Don't you have an faith and fear of Allah? Also, look at the articles on our website and see the results of these sins. Women who are pregnant out of wedlock, whose reputations are ruined, and who have wrecked their lives.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Sister very sad to see how some of us men are terrible liars and abuse women so selfishly. We are all guilty of this, at varying levels of course.

    ( not saying women dont abuse us, but just sticking to the topic)

    Think of him as a leech who was ruining your (spiritual) health. Your love is not love, its infatuation, probably because abroad, you cant trust people and when you get close enough to trust them, you dont want to lose them. I get it.

    But please cut him out, again its not easy to lose memories, but the human mind has an astonishing ability of emptying itself of all hurtful memories. I suggest you start said dumping process now (if you havent already)

    GIrls these days want to "understand" their to be spouse to be before they get married, but it usually ends up in these haram activities.

    in depression i follow the steps as below:

    1) Pray even more diligently all 5 prayers

    2) Set alarms in my cell phone at intervals during the day for: Dua to Allah, Calls to my family (im not married so to my blood family )

    3) Take Allahs name during the day for example: Yaa Allahu, Yaa Rehmanu, Yaa Raheemu. This will keep useless daydreaming at bay and earn you Allah''s blessing In sha Allah.

    A brother's 3 cents to a muslimah sis in need.
    Salam AlaiKum

    • Wael u say my comment is disgusting but u semm like a big hypocrite,people having sex before marriage,thats not disgusting to u but my comment is disgusting to u,thats height of hypocrissy.

      • Who said that people having sex before marriage is not disgusting? It's a major sin. And for you to wish to have the "courage" to commit that sin is deeply misguided. It doesn't take courage. It only takes shamelessness.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com

        • Brother Wael,

          I think lamisa was being judgmental and sarcastic in his/her original comment, and also doesn't grasp the English language very well. That's how I interpreted it, anyways!

          Nor

  11. i know i shouldnt have these thoughts but i think, he used me, he knew my intentions were marriage,i rejected so many proposals from other men my faily would suggest for him over the years, he let me get older and remain un married while he found himself the perfect tradtional wife from back home. he knew how much i loved him and tried to salvage our relationship, yet he so eaily could get married and be with someone else. he will always have job secrutiy, he is happy in his marriage and choice of wife and has left my life in peices, emotinally and physcailly. while i am suffering and its partly down do my follosihness for believing him and his words, he has moved on so easily without any consequences.

    • Assalamwalaikum MuslimGirl88,

      You see this man who has had deceitful intentions to be successful and living a life without fear... without consequences, right?

      I would like to enlighten you to an idea from Islam. Allah tests everyone. What you are going through right now, is a test from Allah. My dear sister, the fitnah and struggle we go through in life is more enriching for ourselves if we have the right perceptions about Allah than being comfortable in luxury.

      Please take some time and view this lecture on fitnah, insha-Allah, the struggle you are going through would perhaps make more sense and will give you clarity and thereby make things easier for you and give you peace.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d1V6CnoYx8

      It can be very easy to fall into the circle of "try-and-figure" the hidden motives of the man that betrayed you. But, in reality, all of these thoughts are mere assumptions and only Allah knows what his intentions really were. Do not dwell on thoughts where you find yourself trying to figure his motives. Do not look at how successful, comfortable or luxurious life this man is leading. My dear sister, the man who betrayed you will pay the price of betrayal either in this world or on Judgment Day. Do not seek vengeance, you should no longer be concerned about this man or the price he is going to pay to Allah, the matter is between the man and Allah. The man should be terrified of his deed, if he is not, then he is in an illusion and let him be happy for awhile cause illusions do not last forever.

      Job Security? Really? There is not a job in the world that comes with "security", even CEO's of million $ companies get fired and even companies that are doing really well today can go bankrupt! 😛 There is no such thing as "job security". Allah is the Provider for even the biggest bosses of corporations in the world, if Allah wills, He can take all of that away in a blink!

      You should turn to Allah and ask for Him alone to recompensate you for the pain and struggle you are going through. You should also turn to Allah and ask Him alone for forgiving your sins.

      My dear sister, you cannot blame the man for your life being in pieces! What has happened in your life, has been by the will of Allah and the man was merely a tool in the process. You need to understand that your foolishness was not in believing in the man, rather, forgetting Allah, His Words, His Commands and your suffering is due to not believing in Allah when He has already warned you and all of mankind. Perhaps, this is Allah's way of reminding you and bringing you closer to Him. Allah loves those who are sincere in their repentance and ask Him alone for forgiveness.

      Work on learning more about Allah and Islam, perfecting your deen. Persevere through your struggles with patience, insha-Allah, your life will become better. A girls heart should be so deeply in love with Allah, that a man would have to seek Allah to find her. 😉 Perhaps, Allah has saved a more honorable and trustworthy man for you! 🙂

      If you find anything good and beneficial from this comment, it is from Allah and if you find any mistakes or errors, it is from myself. May Allah grant us patience to persevere through our struggles and ease our pain and difficulties, Ameen! 🙂

      You can also find some really nice duas on the following link that will put you at ease, insha-Allah!
      http://www.makedua.com/

      • Nicely said.

      • Thank you so much for your reply. your words have bought me some comfort. he said that he does feel bad, and asked god for forgivness and that he has changed and thats the reason he suggested second marriage to make right his wrongs, but i can see it was all words to manipulate me into maintaing a relatiohship with him to pass time untill he calls his wife and arranges her visa. I am trying to be strong and forget the relationship, althought every day feels like a struggle.

        "dear sister, you cannot blame the man for your life being in pieces! What has happened in your life, has been by the will of Allah and the man was merely a tool in the process. You need to understand that your foolishness was not in believing in the man, rather, forgetting Allah, His Words, His Commands and your suffering is due to not believing in Allah when He has already warned you and all of mankind. Perhaps, this is Allah's way of reminding you and bringing you closer to Him. Allah loves those who are sincere in their repentance and ask Him alone for forgiveness"

        At first i was so distraught and couldnt even thingk clearly, past few weeks it has taken over my life thats how bad i let it affect me, i havent been eating and cut myself off from everyone around me. i just felt so ashamed to have allowed this to happen. i didnt know why allah was putting me through this and took away a man i lvoed so much, i didnt and some days dont feel strong enough, while some people i know who are in relationships it workds out for them, but i know everythign happens for a reason, allah does whats best for us and maby allah was saving me from more sin with this man and saving me for something better so i can trun back to him. i am trying to have faith and repenting so much. i just hope allah forgives me and i that i can find a nice husband the halal way

        • I am glad to have been of some comfort for you. My dear sister, I understand the emotions you are going through as not very long ago, I was going through a similar experience. I understand that the events have made your mind go numb to everything and you feel withdrawn from others around you and feel anorexic. I hope you have become more clear about what has happened in your life.

          For me, its been more than 3 years since my relationship with a girl ended abruptly as she did not communicate with me anymore, left me without any explanation... without reason. Although, I was not involved in anything majorly haram, I was very much attached to the girl emotionally. I cannot hate her, I cannot blame her and I understand my mistakes and faults. I am a different person today than when I was with her. Today, even though we are literally 7 seas apart and so much of time has passed, I still miss her and am terrified if she ever came into my life, I would fall in love with her again! May our paths never cross again! 🙁 I can understand from my experience of how difficult each passing day can be for you. The pain, I still feel serves as a reminder for me to not go down the route I went and I find comfort and peace in Salah in submitting my will to Allah. I would rather be in pain if it keeps me closer to Allah than have comfort and be distant from Allah! 🙂

          Insha-Allah, Allah will forgive you, Allah is the Most-Merciful, the Oft-Forgiving and will provide for a much loving and caring husband who will definitely be better than this man for you! 🙂 Remember when Allah said to Adam (AS) "O son of Adam, as long as you call on Me, I shall forgive you of what you have done, and think nothing of it. O son of Adam, even if your sins were to reach up to the clouds in the sky, and then you were to ask for My forgiveness, I would forgive you and think nothing of it. O son of Adam, even if you were to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, and then you were to meet Me after death, not worshipping anything besides Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as the earth" ~ cf. Hadith Qudsi #34. Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) loves it when people ask Him to forgive their sins. He is overjoyed with their repentance, since He hates to punish anybody. At the slightest excuse He washes people’s sins away. The only condition is that the human being must truly regret in his/her heart that they did what they did. The sinner should be ashamed of their misdeeds, and discontinue committing such sins.

          May Allah forgive us and grant us ease in our struggles and make us content with what He has decreed for us, Ameen! 🙂

          • I can understand how painfull that would be, while you did not get answers, I know this man left me for someone else but made excuses. I am in a situation where I have to see him everyday due to work, where I am constantly reminded of what he has done to me. I sometimes think why is it that men can so easily do this and be rewarded with a good spouse and happy married life while the girl is left to pick up the pieces 🙁 I fully accept my part in this, for I should never have been in a relationship but I did want marriage to make right our wrongs.

          • I understand how it feels to be reminded of your former love, I myself am terrified to face my former love. You might want to try this, do not speak to him much in the office, no glance, no peeking, no "good morning", no "the weather is really lovely", no "do you need coffee", no favors, only when really needed for work purposes and be strict in that, do not talk or discuss about the relationship with him at any point, ignore him and tell him that "you are through with him and don't want to talk about it". The important thing is do not let him feel or see that you are in pain. You do not want him to feel any kind of self-pity on you, you want to make him feel that what he has done is wrong and you are not going to be taken for granted anymore, especially by him, do not let your guard down. You need to tell yourself, that you will let yourself cry when you get back home if need be, but not in office. Put on your game face and show him that you do not care about him anymore and that you have moved on! Also, try and see if you can find a better job opportunity, you don't have to resign, just keep looking.

            The stream of thought that "men can so easily do this and be rewarded with a good spouse and happy married life while the girl is left to pick up the pieces" is not always true. Being a man, I have broken down into tears and also had my share of "picking up the pieces". Avoid such assumptions and stereotyping, cause if you think like this, you'll start to develop trust issues which we do not want. You need to expand your perception here and even improve your self-perception. You are focused on what Allah has given others, but you are blind to the tests they are put through. You need to see the blessings you have in your life!

            From the experience you have had, I can see that you will be a good, loyal and trustworthy wife to your future husband, Insha-Allah! 🙂 and your former love has just lost this amazing opportunity, he is the one at loss here. Insha-Allah, now that you are working to better yourself, Allah will give you a good husband and you too will lead a married life with ups and down! 🙂 Being married is not cakewalk, you won't always be happy, there will be ups and downs and you need to make sure that you have a companion who will be with you in your "ups" and "downs"! Marriage is a serious responsibility!

            Understand that, the world we live in... is only temporary... every pain, every joy we feel is not forever. Allah has decreed life, wealth, children, money, marriage, pain, joy and even the littlest of thing such as a prick of a thorn in excruciating detail. Even before you were created, Allah The All-Knowing, All-Wise knew that you will end up with this man, that you will be heart-broken, that you will be in pain, that you will perhaps be reading this comment and whatever will happen to you in future.

            There is a beautiful saying by our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that "And know that what has befallen you was not going to miss you, and that which missed you was not meant to befall you."

            This is also a common misconception I find many Muslims to have that "marriage" will erase the sins of zinaa. Marriage will not "right the wrong". The sex you have done before marriage does not become halal by getting married to the person you had sex with, it still remains haram. Unfortunately, many like yourself have learnt this the hard way. It is Allah who is the Most-Merciful and Oft-Forgiving, wipes your past sin, but that by no means make your previous sin halal or right. If a person truly repents from their sin and maintains their resolve to not fall into the sin, then "on Judgment Day" Allah will, by His Mercy turn your sins into good deeds.

          • Thanks for sharing your story khiskisay. From a gentleman's perspective of going through a trial like this.

    • MuslimGirl88: perfect tradtional wife from back home. ....... he is happy in his marriage and choice of wife and has left my life in peices, emotinally and physcailly.

      I have a feeling the guy is going to cheat on his wife, like he did with you again. He is going to find a lonely woman and tell her how his wife is a bad woman and does not fulfill his needs. If his wife finds out about his true personality she may look for love on the side too. Backhome things have changed too, people have secret relationships. Internet, cell phones help people to meet.

  12. I'm saying this as your sister in Islam and because I care, NEVER give yourself to a man before marriage!!! Never! Your only hope is to turn to allah swt. May allah forgive you for your sins and heal your heart. Ameen

    • I will never involve myself in a relationship again. I have learned my lesson in the most painfull and hard ways. IA I will let my parents decide what is best for me now

      • This is why Islam encourages us to keep away from different genders because we fall into the satan's words. The most beutiful imtaicy is to have after you get married not secrelty. It is so beautiful but only if there is love between you too.Some will also take advantage when they get married, they fullfil their lust and then they divorce without having sympathy that this girl was once my wife.This girl once use to make tea, make food, cook clean help me out.

  13. Salam sister Muslimgirl,

    I really feel for you sister. I can emphasize with you. Unfortunately this is the nature of evil men. They use women as toys they will say what you want to hear in order to get what they want! (Phisical relationship) when they're done they leave with no remorse and no emotional attachment to the women what so ever. They seem to be void of any human emotion towards women. They only see women as objects to play with. These types of men do not care about anyone's feelings but their own.

    He has had his cake and eaten it too! While the women is left clearing the crumbs forever! This is common sister.

    It happens to a lot of women. Our only fault is that we are emotional by nature and men take advantage of this. That's why Allah gave us rules to protect us. No relations before marriage! Then all this heartache would have been avoided.

    But don't cry over spilt milk. The way he left you and doesnt give a toss. You have to leave him emotionally. Forget him like a bad dream and move on with your life. Spend time with friends, engage in halal hobbies and look for a good husband. You can even look for divorced men with no kids. They will not care about virgin or non virgin. So don't get down. Stand up and face the world.everything isn't over yet. You are still young. You have your whole life ahead of you. So repent for your sins and start fresh.

    • It happens to a lot of women. Our only fault is that we are emotional by nature and men take advantage of this. That's why Allah gave us rules to protect us. No relations before marriage! Then all this heartache would have been avoided.

      This is a fact that our sisters need to reflect on and understand it wholeheartedly, especially our new young female generation, who could sometimes be very defensive whenever being advised to be careful and smart in this regard.

      It is sad to hear when a woman makes excuses for the man in a haram relationship and says things like:

      1- "He is compassionate and kind etc, and he says he loves me."
      2- "He told me he has changed, and I believe him"
      3- "He said he will marry me and I know for sure that he is real and sincere"
      4- "He says he is doing it with love"
      5- "He says he doesn't love his wife and he loves me and he doesn't consider it cheating as he wants to marry me.

      In fact, the list could go on and on, but all that is not real. They are just a mean of taking advantage of a woman's compassionate and emotional nature. It can only be true when it is done in the proper Islamic approved way. There is no love beyond the way approved by Allah, except bad desire and lust, of which in the end is the regret and sorrow.

      Sister MuslimGirl88, despite the fact that I feel sorry for what you have went through, I still listed those excuses above for a purpose. They are excuses that always repeat themselves constantly with repeated mistakes. Part of you may still believe that, that jerk loved/still loves you, which may lead you to repeat the same mistakes all over again. How could you feel the forgiveness of Allah and see His light, when you are still pushing yourself to dwell in the same darkness, and making same excuses for the man all over again??? You need to believe and understand wholeheartedly that whatever relationship Allah has disapproved will never be a healthy thing for you, neither will it earn you the happiness of love you sake for, no matter what sensible excuses you may make for it. "Is Allah not the Wisest of the wise?" (Quran 95: 8)

      Woman are are blessed with the gift of emotion and compassion by nature, due to their important role in rearing children and helping them become good people in the society. However, if a woman is not careful and smart enough, she could be taken advantage of, through her beautiful nature. Usually it may take about ten years or more for a woman to completely notice that she has truly been used or taken advantage of, and usually such a woman won't look back again, in other words she will learn to be smarter and careful her whole life.

      But Alhamdulillah Sister, it's only 4 years that you are beginning to notice that you are being taken advantage of. This is of a mercy from Almighty Allah for you, because He loves you and cares for your heart, so accept the mercy and follow its light (by sincerely repenting and adhering to the Islamic teachings and guidance regarding everything we do in life, in addition to making dhikr a lot). He shall forgive you and guide you. There is always a good life and happiness after forgiveness, unless you did not sincerely repent and go after it. It is a good life and happiness that will start from this life till the next, through the mercy and forgiveness of Almighty Allah. "And ask your Lord for forgiveness, and repent to Him. He will provide you with good sustenance until a stated term (i.e until you leave this life to the next), and will bestow His grace on every possessor of virtue (i.e in the next life). But if you turn away, then I fear for you the punishment of a grievous Day." (Quran 11: 3) "It is He who accepts the repentance of His worshipers, and remits the sins, and knows what you do." (Quran 42: 25)

      Finally, Sister do not allow your past sins make you feel like you will never be able to be a suitable, lovable and lovely wife to a wonderful Muslim brother in the future. I can sense that this is part of the reason why you still want that Jerk, because you think no man will marry you! Indeed, if you try hard to leave this man emotionally and physically, and then focus on yourself and your relationship with Allah, Allah subhanau wa ta'ala will bless you with a pious Muslim husband who would love you and respect you as a woman, inshaAllah. The most important thing is to be able to get rid of that Jerk entirely. Start doing so by focusing on your sincere tawbah, and straightening your iman, in addition to increasing your knowledge of Allah and your love for Him. Do so till you completely feel that you love Allah and that you want to do things His way. Also, it would be better if you could get a new job somewhere else, to avoid interaction with that man, and avoid bad temptations that may interrupt your relationship with Allah.

      May Allah help you get out of this situation peacefully, and ease the way for you to happiness in this life and the next. Ameen.

      • Yep! The points you've mentioned are quite real and really makes me sick too. Being a man myself, I feel really infuriated by other "males" that toy with our sisters through such play of words. Shame on such "males", I can't even call them men, its a disgrace to manliness.

        And sisters, need to be enlightened about what real men are like by studying the finest example of manliness... Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)! Dear brothers and sisters, please take the time to view these links about manhood and womanhood in Islam by sister Yasmin Mogahed and Sheikh Yassir Fazaga.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-Fii2OpXXw

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VejnyVtWCYo

        • Thank you for both your posts :). IA Allah will help to guide me in the right path and help heal my pain and accept my forgiveness. it's nice to know that not all men have bad intentions. I just felt that while girls are left feeling all the guilt, the men so easily move on without any compassion. I think the best think is for me to focus on my relationship with Allah now and forgot him and what is or isn't happening in his life and leave Allah to deal with him

      • I guess because I had been with this man for so long, i always thought this is the only person I want to be with I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else or ever feeling love like I had for him. I was scared that if the time comes for marriage what if I don't fully allow myself to open my heart and love my husband. I always in my heart thought this man would be my husband and it was to accept all that he did and to let go. but I have faith that Allah did this for the best even though I may not see it or know the exact reason now. I am
        Trying to make myself a better person now and strengthen my relationship with Allah

        • What happened to you usually happens, so you are not alone. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala knows this already that's why He set the boundaries for us all. "...As for those who have submitted - it is they who pursue rectitude." (Quran 72:14)

          Anyway, sometimes Allah makes us fall into tests and trials in order to guide us to get closer to Him. Perhaps, there was going to be something bigger than this, and you could have ended up being away from Allah, but He saved you by this test and trial. As you said "but I have faith that Allah did this for the best even though I may not see it or know the exact reason now. I am trying to make myself a better person now and strengthen my relationship with Allah"

          Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim (ra) said:

          “Were it not that Allah the Exalted cured His servants with the medicine of tests and trials, they would transgress and commit evil. When Allah the Exalted intends goodness for a servant, He makes him drink the medicine of tests and trials from providence according to his situation in order to cure him from deadly diseases, until He purifies him and cleans him and he achieves the most honorable status in the world, that of being a true servant of Allah, and he is given the greatest reward in the Hereafter, that of seeing Allah and being close to Him.”

          (Zaad Al-Ma’ad 179)

          Again Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim (ra) said:

          There is nothing to the servant of Allah whenever he has been oppressed, and hurt and dominated by his opponents, which is more worthy than a sincere repentance. And the sign of his happiness is to revers his thought and sight on himself, on his sins and on his shortcomings, and then busy himself with reforming them and repenting over them, which leaves no space for him to forethought in the affliction that has befallen him. And by doing so he takes care of his repentance and reforming his flaws, while Allah takes care of his protection and supporting him. There is no one among the servants of Allah, who is happier than such a servant, as there is nothing more enjoyable to him than the misfortune that has befallen him, nor anything better than its effects on him. But the fortune and rectitude is in the hands of Allah. None prevents what He gave, nor gives what He prevented, and not any person is fortunate with such a blessing. None has its knowledge, neither a will for it nor ability of it, as there is no Power nor Might except with Allah.

          (Badâ-i' al-fawaid 2/771)

          Sister MuslimGirl88 please reflect on the above two quotes by Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim (ra), and then forget that man. Focus on strengthening your relationship with Allah, and leave the rest to Him. He will surely take care of everything for you, inshaAllah. He will cure you and heal your heart and make you love again, inshaAllah. For He is indeed capable of doing all things. "And that would not be difficult for Allah." (Quran 35: 17)

          • Good points Issah. Muslim girl88, please take all these excellent advice. I wished I had these advice 9 years ago for someone to make me see straight, cause I was deaf, dumb, and blind. I wasted 8 years of my life with him. We did absolutely everything together and now he's doing all that with his wife. Do not follow your heart, read all these posts and reread them again. If he comes back to you know he's not in love with u he's just using you.

            "The sinner will find darkness in his heart, which he will feel just as he feels the darkness of night. So this darkness affects his heart as the physical darkness affects his vision. For obedience is light and disobedience is darkness. The stronger the darkness grows, the greater becomes his confusion, until he falls into innovation, misguidance and other things that lead to doom, without even realizing, like a blind man who goes out in the darkness of the night, walking alone This darkness grows stronger until it covers the eyes, then it grows stronger until it covers the face, which appears dark and is seen by everyone. ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abbaas said: “Good deeds make the face light, give light to the heart, and bring about ample provision, physical strength and love in people’s hearts. Bad deeds make the face dark, give darkness to the heart, and bring about physical weakness, a lack of provision and hatred in people’s hearts.”  From Islam q and a

          • Corrections, please!

            "There is nothing to the servant of Allah whenever being oppressed, and hurt and dominated by his opponents, which is most useful than a sincere repentance. And the sign of his happiness is to revers his thought and sight on himself, on his sins and on his shortcomings, and then busy himself with reforming them and repenting over them, which leaves no space for him to forethought in the affliction that has befallen him. And by doing so he takes care of his repentance and reforming his flaws, while Allah takes care of his protection and supporting him. There is no one among the servants of Allah, who is happier than such a servant, as there is nothing more blessed to him than the misfortune that has befallen him, nor anything better than its effects on him. But the fortune and rectitude is in the hands of Allah. None prevents what He gave, nor gives what He prevented, and not any person is fortunate with such a blessing. None has its knowledge, neither a will for it nor ability of it, as there is no Power nor Might except with Allah."

            Forgive me for my bad translation.

  14. OP: But I'm very scared in regards to marriage and my future husband.What if asks do I lie? I just feel so ashamed.

    You should NEVER tell your huband about you not being a virgin or your b/f especially if you marry a guy from a Muslim country. It may not be a big deal for a Muslim who was born in Western country. By searching Internet you may find some SOLUTIONS to your problem

    • "...especially if you marry a guy from a Muslim country. It may not be a big deal for a Muslim who was born in Western country."

      This does not make any sense at all.

      There are many Muslims who were born in Western countries, but would not marry a woman who has had a past relationship. They can even argue against such a marriage. And I have met some brothers who were born in Muslim countries, who would marry such a woman, provided that she has sincerely repented. What matters to them in this world is Allah, and how to grow closer to Him by all sort of good deeds.

      Anyway, it's all about meeting a pious Muslim man who is blessed with the gift of compassion and understanding, be it from a Muslim country or a Western country, inshaAllah.

  15. Mashallah.

    People over here(muslims) are suggesting hymenoplasty in order to deceive a man into marrying a woman who had pre-marital sex. They are also suggesting her to openly lie and be dishonest or circumvent and use clever words in order to fool a innocent man who wants a virgin wife.

    A man has the right to inquire any thing which will bother him.It is his right to find out whether his future wife is chaste and virgin. http://islamqa.info/en/21566

    What people on this site are doing is that , in their attempt to console the OP.They are telling her to openly lie and hide her activities and are demonizing any man who wants to inquire whether his future wife is chaste and virgin.

    • Salam brother Aah,

      You seem to have some vendetta against women. You always lurk around making unfounded comments about women in here being feminist or how they are mistreating innocent brothers (according to you) so why don't you say anything about the innocent brothers who full well knowing they don't need their parents permission to marry still make excuses not to marry a women after using them? What about the brothers who have a wife and then have affairs with other women? What about the innocent brothers who had so many girlfriends and then pose to be a virgin to the future wife. What about the innocent brothers who leave their wife hanging, neither divorcing them or living with them? What about the brothers who phisically and emotionally abuse women? And the list goes on...

      Men and women are equal. We are all entitled to respect, kindness and compassion and to be treated fairly from all relations we have, be it out parents, siblings, spouces and all muslims and non muslims.

      Nobody is perfect. Men and women commit sins. Neither is better or worse then the other. We are all brothers and sisters and one ummah.

      Instead of making crude comments,why don't you advise the op???

      • Assalam alaikum Sister Sumaira,

        I think we "feminists" should stop taking his comments seriously. LOL

        After all, it is clear that he thinks women are the enemy because they trick poor innocent men into marriage and then abuse them financially.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      It is a man's right to make it clear if he wishes to only marry a virgin or a woman who has guarded her chastity - in such a situation, it would not be fair to tell him this is the case if it is not, and it would be more appropriate for a woman in that situation to decline the proposal. She wouldn't need to reveal her sins to him, as they are between her and Allah, but she should respect his wishes and allow him to find a spouse who meets his criteria. She can then find a husband who is accepting of her past, although she would still be under no obligation to reveal past sins.

      It's also worth re-reading the comments discussing hymenoplasty, as it is clear that the majority of people (including me) who have talked about this issue here have actually said NOT to do it.

      The sister who has asked the original question has asked for help and advice about what to do now, so we need to focus on supporting her and giving her hope that she can move on with her life, repent and have faith in Allah's mercy.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • Midnightmoon: It is a man’s right to make it clear if he wishes to only marry a virgin or a woman who has guarded her chastity – in such a situation, it would not be fair to tell him this is the case if it is not, and it would be more appropriate for a woman in that situation to decline the proposal

        Does a woman have a right to ask a similar question to a man?

        In some cultures a woman who says she is not virgin has very little chance to find a huband. Some one may take her as a second or third wife. If girl lives in UK and USA and can get a man citizenship, he will not care about her status.

        In Western world sex before marriage is kind of acceptable. It may be easy for a girl to find a husband even if is not virgin

        Do you know there are some Muslim cultures where an older woman goes and checks a women for her virginity? You probably have read how FMG is done to girls in some countries.

        If she can avoid all this trouble by getting some thing done, it may be worth it. Most men may not even know what a hymen is or how to find it. A stich in time........may make her feel confident.

        • Assalaamualaikam

          Hymenoplasty is a surgical operation - as such, it carries the risks attached to any such procedure, including: infections, side-effects from anaesthesia (which can include death), scarring, nerve damage... Is it really worth all that when a man may not even know what a hymen is, and even if he does, not having one isn't proof of not being a virgin?

          Also, it could be argued that such a procedure, as a cosmetic operation, could be seen as changing Allah's creation, which is not acceptable in Islam. There are debates on the issue of cosmetic surgery, so I would hesitate to recommend a path which could lead to un-Islamic actions.

          It's also kind of unfair to attempt to deceive someone through getting surgery to make yourself appear to be a virgin. Virginity isn't based on whether or not a woman has a hymen. If a man has decided that he only wishes to marry a virgin spouse, getting a hymen restored so that he can think he is marrying a virgin is a form of deception and is not showing respect for his wishes.

          Regarding a woman asking if a man is a virgin, I can't see why this issue couldn't be included in an assessment of his character - a woman could tell her wali that this is an important issue for her, and her wali can then investigate the matter. If a man is not a virgin, and learns that she has strong feelings on the matter, he should then decline the proposal so that she can find a spouse who meets her criteria.

          Female genital mutilation is abuse against women, and should be banned. Islamically, we are told not to change Allah's creation, so I fail to understand how any Muslim (actually, how any person, regardless of faith) can think it is acceptable to mutilate the private parts of an innocent child.

          Midnightmoon
          IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • From Islamweb:

      All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.
      First of all, we thank and praise Allaah Who guided you to Islam and we ask Him to make you firm and steadfast on His Religion until the Day you meet Him.
      Dear sister, we advise you to seek beneficial knowledge, perform good deeds and befriend righteous and pious women, as these are the best things that help a Muslim remain steadfast on his/her religion.
      Your husband should not have asked you about your past or tried to reveal what Allaah has concealed for you. However, you were wrong for informing him about what happened between you and that man, and also you were wrong for contradicting yourself.
      Therefore, what we advise you to do now is to remind your husband that the past is over and that Islam wipes out previous sins, and that whoever embraces Islam and becomes a good Muslim, Allaah turns his/her sins that he/she committed in Jaahiliyyah [i.e. before Islam] into good deeds as Allaah Says (what means): {Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allaah will replace their evil deeds with good.} [Quran 25:70]
      Hence, he should look to the future and forget the past, and be keen on doing anything that brings affection and leads to better marital relationship and not do what would cause dissension and the breaking up of the family.
      You should clarify to your husband that you read in some Fataawa that it is not permissible for either spouses to inform the other about what he/she did in the past and that none of them has the right to ask the other about this in principle, and you may show him some Fataawa in this regard like Fataawa 84052 and 83259.
      Finally, you should be wise in dealing with him and ask Allaah to enable him to regain his senses and reason.
      Allaah Knows.

    • AaA: A man has the right to inquire any thing which will bother him.It is his right to find out whether his future wife is chaste and virgin. http://islamqa.info/en/21566

      Should a woman have a right to to find out whether her future husband is chaste and virgin?

      What can a man do if his wife lies about her previous sexual experience?

  16. Assalam Aleykoum MuslimGirl88 ,

    I thank you much for giving me an advice on my personal issue and I pray that my contribution is as much help, InshaAllah. My status as of now since it has been a year from the time I was betrayed is that of one who is working on healing yet also actively looking forward to move on into marriage InshaAllah. There are days that are very much painful and there are days that I am at peace and tranquility. But I can assure you that it will get better, only if you work hard in healing and placing your trust in Allah SWT. Below is a method that I have used and that has helped so much.

    Some cures for ardent, unbridled love

    (Thus it was that we might turn away from him evil and illegal sexual intercourse. Surely he was one of our chosen, guided slaves.)
    (Quran 12: 24)
    1. Strive to improve your worship --- by being more sincere --- and invoke Allah to cure you.
    2. Lower your gaze.
    (And protect their private parts from illegal sexual acts, etc.)
    (Quran 24: 30)
    (And those who guard their chastity [i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts].)
    (Quran 23: 5)
    3. Travel away from the object of your passion.
    4. Keep yourself busy in doing good deeds.
    (Verily they used to hasten on to do good deeds, and they used to call on Us with hope and fear.) (Quran 21: 90)
    5. Marry lawfully, i.e. in accordance with the Shari'ah.
    (then marry women of your choices.(Quran 4: 3)
    (And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them.)(Quran 30: 21)
    The Prophet (Blessings and Peace be upon him) said:
    "O' group of young men, whoever from you is capable of (paying) the dowry (and taking care of all necessary expenses related to marriage), then let him many."

    May Allah easen your burden and make it easy on you. Ameen

    SisterZahriya

    • Assalaamualaikam

      MashaAllah sister, I really like the list you've posted there - it's clear, memorable and based on Islamic guidance.

      JazakAllah khair.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • MashaAllah, Sister Zahriya! That's an excellent list. I now understand why you were no looking for an advice on how to heal.

    • JazakaAllah and thank you both Sister Midnightmoon and Brother Issa for the compliments. Alhamdulilah each day is a blessing as I use it for Taubah and also to better myself. The list has helped me much. I got it from an online author By: Aaidh ibn Abdullah Al-Qarnee and his book called "Dont Be Sad". http://www.islambasics.com/view.php?bkID=177&chapter=190. I have been reading and taking notes and has helped me much. I hope MuslimGirl88 and others can benefit from it.

      SiterZahriya

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Thank you for the link; I'll make an effort to read that book soon, inshaAllah, as the little I've read seems quite interesting.

        JazakAllah.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • SubhanAllah, this book is wonderful. It contains all useful topics, and I don't even know where to start reading lol. Jazakillahu Khair for the book.

        The past is gone forever

        By brooding over the past and its tragedies, one exhibits a form of insanity - a kind of sickness that destroys resolve to live for the present moment. Those who have a firm purpose have filed away and forgotten occurrences of the past, which will never again see light, since they occupy such a dark place in the recesses of the mind.

        Episodes of the past are finished with; sadness cannot retrieve them, melancholy cannot make things right, and depression will never bring the past back to life. This is because the past is non-existent.

        Do not live in the nightmares of former times or under the shade of what you have missed. Save yourself from the ghostly apparition of the past. Do you think that you can return the sun to its place of rising, the baby to its mother's womb, milk to the udder, or tears to the eye? By constantly dwelling on the past and its happenings, you place yourself in a very frightful and tragic state of mind.

        Reading too much into the past is a waste of the present. When Allah mentioned the affairs of the previous nations, He, the Exalted, said:

        (That was a nation who has passed away.)� (Qur'an 2: 134)

        Former days are gone and done with, and you benefit nothing by carrying out an autopsy over them, by turning back the wheels of history.

        The person who lives in the past is like someone who tries to saw sawdust. Of old, they used to say: "Do not remove the dead from their graves."

        Our tragedy is that we are incapable of dealing with the present: neglecting our beautiful castles, we wail over dilapidated buildings. lf every man and every jinn were to try jointly to bring back the past, they would most certainly fail. Everything on earth marches forward, preparing for a new season - and so should you.
        --------------------------------------------------------------------

        Today is all that you have

        When you wake up in the morning, do not expect to see the evening - live as though today is all that you have. Yesterday has passed with its good and evil, while tomorrow has not yet arrived. Your life's span is but one day, as if you were born in it and will die at the end of it. With this attitude, you will not be caught between an obsession over the past, with all its anxieties, and the hopes of the future, with all its uncertainty. Live for today: During this day you should pray with a wakeful heart, recite the Qur'an with understanding, and remember Allah with sincerity. In this day you should be balanced in your affairs, satisfied with your allotted portion, concerned with your appearance and health.

        Organize the hours of this day, so that you make years out of minutes and months out of seconds. Seek forgiveness from your Lord, remember Him, prepare for the final parting from this world, and live today happily and at peace. Be content with your sustenance, your wife, your children, your work, your house and your station in life.

        So hold that which I have given you and be of the grateful.} (Quran 7: 144)

        Live today free from sorrow, bother, anger, jealousy, and malice.

        You must engrave onto your heart one phrase: Today is my only day. If you have eaten warm, fresh bread today, then what do yesterday's dry, rotten bread and tomorrow's anticipated bread matter?

        If you are truthful with yourself and have a firm, solid resolve, you will undoubtedly convince yourself of the following: Today is my last day to live. When you achieve this attitude, you will profit from every moment of your day, by developing your personality, expanding your abilities, and purifying your deeds. Then you say to yourself:

        Today I shall be refined in my speech and will utter neither evil speech nor obscenity. Also, I shall not backbite.

        Today I shall organize my house and my office. They will not be disorderly and chaotic, but organized and neat.

        Today I will be particular about my bodily cleanliness and appearance. I will be meticulous in my neatness and balanced in my walk, talk, and actions.

        Today I will strive to be obedient to my Lord, pray in the best manner possible, do more voluntary acts of righteousness, recite the Qur'an, and read beneficial books. I will plant goodness into my heart and extract from it the roots of evil - such as pride, jealousy, and hypocrisy.

        Today I will try to help others - to visit the sick, to attend a funeral, to guide the one who is lost, and to feed the hungry. I will stand side by side with the oppressed and the weak. I will pay respect to the scholar, be merciful to the young, and reverent to the old.

        O' past that has departed and is gone, I will not cry over you. You will not see me remembering you, not even for a moment, because you have traveled away from me never to return.

        O' future, you are in the realm of the unseen, so I will not be obsessed by your dreams. I will not be preoccupied about what is to come because tomorrow is nothing and has not yet been created.

        'Today is my only day' is one of the most important statements in the dictionary of happiness, for those who desire to live life in its fullest splendor and brilliance.
        ---------------------------------------------------------------------

        Leave the future alone until it comes

        (The Event [the Hour or the punishment of disbelievers and polytheists or the Islamic laws or commandments], ordained by Allah will come to pass, so seek not to hasten it.)� (Qur'an 16: 1)

        Be not hasty and rushed for things that have yet to come to pass.

        Do you think it is wise to pick fruits before they become ripe? Tomorrow is non-existent, having no reality today, so why should you busy yourself with it? Why should you have apprehensions about future disasters? Why should you be engrossed by their thoughts, especially since you do not know whether you will even see tomorrow?

        The important thing to know is that tomorrow is from the world of the unseen, a bridge that we do not cross until it comes. Who knows, perhaps we might never reach the bridge, or the bridge might collapse before we reach it, or we may actually reach it and cross safely.

        For us to be engrossed in expectations about the future is looked down upon in our religion since it leads to our having a long-term attachment to this world, an attachment that the good believer shuns.

        Many people of this world are unduly fearful of future poverty, hunger, disease, and disaster: such thinking is inspired by the Devil.

        (Satan threatens you with poverty and orders you to commit Fahsha [evil deeds, illegal sexual intercourse, sins etc.], whereas Allah promises you Forgiveness from Himself and Bounty.)

        (Qur'an 2: 268)

        Many are those who cry because they see themselves starving tomorrow, falling sick after a month, or because they fear that the world will come to an end after a year. Someone who has no clue as to when he will die (which is all of us) should not busy himself with such thoughts.

        Since you ire absorbed in the toils of today, leave tomorrow until it comes. Beware of becoming unduly attached to future prospects in this world.

        • Wow I didn't know the whole book was online. I have been purchasing book for family and friends and mailing it to them. Yes that's an awesome book. Another really good book for sisters is "You Can Be The Happiest Woman in The World" by Dr Aid al-Qarni. Both of these books have aided me a great deal during my days of hopelessness.

  17. the best think you can do is, stay away from this man. even ur heart doesn't want to u have to force ur self. learn more about islam. do tawba from bottom of ur heart, ALLAH will forgive. if ALLAH doesn't for give the few only will go to jannah and all of us have go in to hell. but ALLAH say's in the quran if we repent and never so the same sin again and do good deed ALLAH will forgive and enter us jannah insALLAH. just move on now forget you past. let your mistake to become batter person now insALLAH. may ALLAH help us and forgive us all amin!!!

    also don't tell anyone about ur sin. and never tell your husband when u get married. as it can break his heart and he may think of divorcing you. we are not allowed to tell our sin to people. so don;t tell anyone and insALLAH He will forgive and hide ur sin and ours insALLAH AMIN...

  18. My dear sister in islam,

    No sin is greater than the Mercy of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

    InnAllah ha yuhib-but-tawwabeen
    Verily, Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Loves those who come to Him in repentance. (Surah Baqarah verse 222)

    For He is At Tawaab Ar Raheem. He is more happy when His servant returns to Him as when a man lost in the desert suddenly wakesup to find his camel laden with food and shelter! (meaning of a hadith - not exact words)

    Our Kind and Merciful Rabb
    http://www.islamicspirituality.org/?s=Our+Kind+and+Merciful+Rabb&post_type=post

    Allah loves you more than anyone ever can, more than seventy mothers! that mother who can tell by the wway you walk that you are upset or have something on your mind, who prays for you when you are sick, whom you seek as an abode when you find no other shelter, imagine a mother's love, and multiply that infinitely, Allah swt Loves you more than that!!! SubhanAllah hi wabihamdi wa subhanAllah hil azeem!!! <3

    Flee to Allah! Fall in love with Him! He loves you in every way that man who cheated you couldnt. you know why? because humans are meant to err, where as Allah is free from all errors. SubhanAllah hi wa bi 'hamdihi wa sub'haanAllah hil 'azeem <3

    Having A Delete Button
    http://www.islamicspirituality.org/general/6569/having-a-delete-button

    and there is a reason for everything to happen. Sister Saba has replied beautifully above. Honey, Allah loves you, the reason why you are at this post is because He guided you here. Seek out other muslim company. go to masajids, don't necessarily share your secret outright, but be with those who are on the Path of Allah.

    That will make it easy for you to stay firm on your taubah. be with people who remind you of Allah. the sole basis of your relationship with them would be to come Closer to Allah, Allah swt tells us in the Quran that if you want to stay firm on our Iman, and have Taqwa (God Conciousness) you should be with those who are of the Truthful (Kunu ma'as Saadiqeen) 🙂

    Do not despair my dear sister in islam, there have been many a sinner greater than your sin in the past, and Allah's Mercy has washed away their sins as tears of True Sincere Taubah burn away at the regrets of sin.

    True sincere tauba is our delete button. And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is the King of All the Treasures of the Worlds. He chose to give us, His weak and sinning servants, the KEY to those treasures - to make DUAA. Sincere heartfelt duaa, oh the tales of what it can do. Allah is close to you honey, He is A Waali, the Protecting Friend. Al-Wudood, the Loving Friend, Al Lateef, the Subtle One, He is our Kind and Merciful Rab, our Nourisher, our Sustainer, He Loves you. And He is calling out to you to return to Him.

    And when asked, where do i find You oh Allah? Allah replied, look for Me in the Broken hearts of My Believer.

    To Be Human is To Love
    http://www.islamicspirituality.org/?s=to+be+human+is+to+love&post_type=post

    I Love you for the Sake of Allah <3
    Please remember this sister in your heartfelt duaaz,

    Stories of Repentance
    https://archive.org/details/StoriesOfRepentance-MuhammadAbduhMughawiri

  19. Allah subhanawa taalah says us to NEVER DESPAIR THE MERCY OF ALLAH.INDEED HE IS THE MOST FORGIVING AND THE MOST MERCIFUL. Ask forgiveness for Allah for what you have done is a grave sin. Leave the place where you are staying do not be in contact with that person. Make female friends and spend most of the time with them. DO NOT BE ALONE. Allah will forgive every sin. Ask forgiveness and never give up the mercy of Allah. Allah loves you more than the heavens and the earth. He is willing you to return to him. Accept the call of Allah and leave every sin behind and never turn back. Allah will surely forgive you.

  20. Assalammualaikum.

    Dear sister in Islam, you can't turn back the clock. What's done is done. Your past is past. Life has to move on. My advise is, turn back to Allah. Seek His Forgiveness. Repent, repent, repent.

    Let Allah guide you. Leave everything to Him. You want a good man? Do salat al- Hajaah.
    If ever you met a man of your choice, please do salat al-Istikharah. If you're destined to be together, even if you were to hide in a cave, the man will still find you, if Allah wills. But if not, the man may not be good for you. Don't worry, Allah S.W.T. knows what's best for you. It's just a matter of time.

    Be patient. Put your trust in Allah Alone. Don't despair. Everyone makes mistake. But try your very best to avoid repeating them.

    *Don't be easily fooled by man who praises your beauty. Only Allah knows his true intention.
    Remember, Islam honors women greatly. Don't let any man take advantage of you. Don't trust him who promises you the sweetest chocolate candies. He may said "A". But what he meant was "C" and what he wants is "Z". By now, I believe you should at least understand man's language. But not all men speak "Manguage". Some are really sincere and honest in their speech. I believe you knew premarital sex & extramarital sex is Forbidden in Islam. You don't want to end up regretting again,do you? So please try to abstain from such acts.

    Dear sister in Islam, turn to Allah. Pray 5 times a day. Try not to skip your FARD salat. And try to do voluntary prayers. Try to recite Qur'an daily. Read and understand Allah's message. Du'a to Allah. Seek His Protection. Be very, very close to Him. InsyaAllah, you'll find peace right here..deep in your heart.

    May Allah S.W.T. guide you to the straight path. May He protect you and all the sisters around the globe from evildoers and evil deeds. Aameen.

    * Du'a for Protection :

    1. Al-Baqarah | 2 :250

    2. Al-Imran | 3 : 147

    3. Al-Araf | 7 : 89

    4. Al-Ankabut | 29 : 30

    5. Al-Mumtahanah | 60 : 5

    *REMEMBER, ONLY ALLAH CAN HELP YOU.

  21. Salaam Sister,
    I see my wife in you, she used to live in a hostel while attending her school for years. She also became a victim of shaitan and committed zina throughout the whole relationship for last for a bout 6+ years and not even thinking it as illicit act, since she was in love with that guy and looking forward to get married to him. She became pregnant during the very first year of this relationship and went through abortion, later on used the protection to refrain from getting pregnant again. On the other hand that guy used her and got married to another girl and still remained in relationship with her. He used to say that he did not love his wife and like to take her as a 2nd wife. After six years my wife finished her education and moved back to her home town and then somehow had to end up with this relationship and then a year later I got married to her without knowing about her past as she did not disclose anything to me.
    On our wedding night she got a call from him for well wishes, and me not knowing did not pay any attention to the phone call. About six months later I started to have some doubts and I started to ask her to tell me about her past life and one day she revealed everything to me and I was so devastated as I felt my life is over. I was in a situation where I did not want to divorce her and at the same time I was not ready to accept her as my wife. Then it became my routine to talk to her for hours where I just used to say how bad she was, and I never thought that I could have a wife like her.
    Nevertheless, I worked hard and stop saying things to her regardless of whatever was going on in my mind. and slowly but gradually I started to accept her as my wife. We have been married for about six years now and I am trying my best to just live this life.
    Although I thought she would always make sure that I am happy with her but that's not the case as she argues with me all the time and that puts me back to think that I should have divorced her for the good of both of us.

    The reason that I shared my story with you is to let you know about my grave mistake that I asked her about her past and then not able to accept it.

    Advise to you is, please seek forgiveness from Allah as He is the most merciful and forgives His people all the time but when they truly repent from their sins, by considering this as the worst act and never return to it. You should also look for other job even if you get less pay and other benefits. You should also make a commitment to yourself that you will live your life as a true muslimah and never ever share about your past to your husband no matter what happens and make sure that you will always try to make your husband happy within the limits of Islam.

    • Salam brother,
      I am sorry to hear about your wifes past. I guess we all make mistakes but it can't have been easy for you to find out about it. I am not saying tht what your wife did was right but it happened before she met you, she was Young at the time and I'm sure she regrets it. She is your wife now, there is no point being in an unhappy marriage you should try hard to accept her past, focus on her present. The most important thing is that she has remained loyal to you for six years of your marriage, and whether she did the right thing or not she was truthful about her past instead of lying. You have a big heart brother, I am comparing you to my husband who made many mistakes including cheatibg and lying to me in the first few months of marriage and weaved an entire web of lies and manipulation to have be kicked out of the marital home, eventhough I had done nothing majorly wrong, and then there are people like yourself who have forgiven such a huge thing and are trying to move forward. I sincerely pray Allah makes it easy for you both, and then He blesses your marriage. Perhaps try couples counselling? I hope you both find peace within each other, ameen.

      • though she remained loyal to me but she always argue with me, and my parents. she threatens me to take our kid with her if I do not listen to her.
        This is the reason that I advised the sister muslimgirl88 to make sure to conceal her past from her future husband no matter what and also always give him all the love that her future husband deserve instead of hurting his feelings day an night.

    • I realise I was wrong. I fell back into the trap of falling for his lies. I regret my actions sincerely and i realise what a big big mistake i made. It's made me depressed thinking how stupid and naive i was and I will have to married to anouther man and conceal this. I loved this man with all.my hesrt but he is now happy and moved on despite all he said to me and seems it's always the girl that suffer while men can easily move on. I've been repenting and asking for forgiveness every single day. But it does break me inside knowong i cant ever go back and be with the one i love and he's made me feel its my fault for ending us for not accepting him as a second wife even thought sometimes I think it's best as I wpuld never want to ruin an innocent man's life like yours. I hint ur wife is truely sorry other wise she would never have opened up and been honest she coukd have lied to you. We all make mistakes. I know if i could go bk i never would cross the boundaries. I don't know what i was thinking and how i ever belittle my sin. I feel ashamed of myself and I guess men are lucky..In my case my ex got rewarded with a wife who loves and adores him despite all he did to me..i am left alone and suffering the consequesnces each and every day

    • You said you had doubts which made you ask your wife. What made you have doubts

      • before the wedding she told me that she had a friend who came with the proposal but her family rejected that. after the wedding we both had shared our email password to check each other emails and I came across that guy's email with some inappropriate words in it.

      • salam
        sister i hope you are fine .

  22. Dear Akbar what's the point in big heart when your wife is in to adulterous relationship despite married to you ...Islamically it is not advisable to stay with wife who keeps sleeping with other man ..There is no big heart concept here ..You are a man of lower esteem .What if you get sexual disease ?

    • I think he has a big heart if he has tried to forgive and accept her despite knowing about her past. Obviously it's a different story of she continues to commit zina despite being married.

    • Bright: Dear Akbar what's the point in big heart when your wife is in to adulterous relationship despite married to you ...Islamically it is not advisable to stay with wife who keeps sleeping with other man ..There is no big heart concept here ..You are a man of lower esteem .What if you get sexual disease ?.

      Well in real life, a whole lot of Muslim young men will try to have sex before marriage if they get a chance. Many do it, some even keep flirting after marriage. Many brag about their g/f with their wives, they know their wife can't do much. Muslim women have a big heart because they have to stay with them because even their families won't help them. I am not talking about Western converts to Islam. Many parents don't care if their sons have g/f but will not even let their daughter talk to a man. A whole lot young non-Western Muslims secretly date in UK, US and Canada. They do almost every thing, but most avoid breaking the hymen.

    • @Bright: I think you perceived it wrong, the last time she communicated with him was on the phone when he called her to say congrats! six years ago I told my wife if she ever talks to him again then she is out of my nikkah and she understands that.

  23. Assalam alaikum Sr MuslimGirl88,

    How have you been holding up?

    • salam sister saba,

      i have been feeling quite low this past month i just wish i was able to erase this and him from my mind. i feel so down and end up crying sometimes at very trival things. he is so happy in his life now and everyhting is working out the way he always wanted while i feel my life has fallen apart. i just feel really guilty and used and no matter how hard i try and forget the past it makes me feel so down that i could have been so naive and stupid. ever since ramadan ive been keeping up with my prayers and i repent but still have such a heavy heart. after everything that happened, before ramadan he kept coming back into my life. everyone would say he isnt sincere and passing time but i refused to believe this as he would tell me that he is confused, he would say give me more time, i wouldnt ask for more time if i wanted to leave you, he would make me feel guilty to believe i was the reason he had not called his wife over and would say i dont talk to her only when she contacts me to ask to go out as its nearly been two years and she is still living with his paretns in his home country. he would always maintain i only did this for parents. im ashamed to say we got close again but everytime after i would say if this is what you want make this offical excuses would come. he said i will speak to your parents once im not confused. he ended things by ignoring me completly, my messages, afer my mum spoke to himsaying your messing with my daughter, your married and u r just using her. he then told me do whats best for you, my heart is dead and theres no solution to us. i came to know he has recently bought a new house near my parents. i guess the time has come to call his wife over and i was just a time pass. i never wanted his wife to be hurt and told him its not fair you staying married to her if ur heart isnt in that marriage, or for her to love without a husband let her go and let her find somome who will love her but he kept saying im confused. we have cut all contact now and its been this way since ramadan but i feel broken. ultimatley he has a wife who knows nothing of all this and loves him. he sees himself as successfull and starting doing a phd and just bought a new house and in his mind he can have a fresh start without any consequence for he knows i have no choice but to bear this in silence. he htinks me marrying somone else i will orget all this pain, but i feel completely broken. he knows he got away with it and he is still happy for he knows whatever he plans works out for him. i guess all he wanted was someone to be pyhsical with him whilte his wife was not here. i cant even think of marriage for i feel i dont deseve any happiness for being so foolish. i feel guilty that if i was to marry somone i wouldnt be a fair wife. my heart is so damaged. i dont think i can love again. a proposal came for me and i feel stuck. i dont feel any happiness anymore. he had such bad intentions but he is happy and i feel like my world has fallen apart. and no matter how hard i try and repent and move on i cant.

      • Sister ,

        Sorry to hear you problems .

        AS told before many times ...

        Quit the job ...Quit the job ...Quit the job....Quit the job....Quit the job

        This is the first step towards throwing him out of your life and if you don't do it you will never come out of this mess .

        May Allah put yo on right track .

      • he says he is hurting too, that he doesnt know what to do, that hes doing the same to me that he did to his wife, he said she is upset that he doesnt talk to make effort with her, that shes not with him and asks hi mwhy he married her, that hes not punishing me but punishing himself and that he just wants to be alone now.

      • Assalam alaikum,

        I just read this now and haven't really been active on this site for a while...but reading this is sad.

        Yes, you need to quit you job, but in addition to that, you have to revise your thinking. He doesn't love you. I know that cuts like a knife, but it is also okay. You can't let your soul be consumed by the action of others and how they behave. It comes down to being peaceful with yourself because that is the only person that you will be with 24/7.

        You have to climb out of this trench that you are living in. It isn't worth it. It wreaks and it is polluting your soul, your brain, your everything. It isn't worth it. He isn't worth it.

        The moment when we wake from the slumber of this world, we will no longer even have the feelings that we have and we will think why on earth did we even choose the path that we did...think about if the feelings you have for him were snatched, erased and gone...it would help you to think clearly. Your enemy isn't him as much as your feelings for him are your enemy. If those feelings were gone, you would have no problem in making the right choice--obviously, that is what makes it so easy for him to move on. He has erased his feelings for you, but he knows how to play you.

        Fight those feelings. Think clearly. It is okay to be sad and angry at yourself. It is okay to hate your behaviour of the past--but give yourself permission to forgive yourself and move on. That is only your business right now and you have to do that to survive. Reach out to Allah swt and make the difficult decisions of quitting your job and moving on.

        May Allah swt ease your pain and help you towards the successful path, Ameen.

      • Find yourself a real man. This man and all his excuses. Hes a leech. Do you know , if a man gets wants he wants before marriage, he has no reason to marry.

        Wait until all the fog of this mess has shifted and you will see him for who he was all along. He just wants to prolong your pain and take you down that deep dark pit with him.

        Steer yourself away from him. Thank goodness you only have memories thats all. He has stripped you emotionally and wounded your soul and he will be answerable for this . You in the meantime , need to strengthen your heart through your imaan.

        by the way , you might want to read up about Sociopaths and people who are love scammers. They rob you emotionally. Its all a plan . Count your blessings sister.

  24. Sister listen to me carefully.
    Allah States in the Quran clearly that if you ask for forgiveness sincerely he will forgive you and change you bad deeds into good deeds. Never lose hope in Allah mercy. Just remember the story of the man who killed 100 and still got forgiven if u haven't please search and read this. Allah WILL FORGIVE your sins just keep repenting. When Allah makes a promise he keeps it. He's not like us humans who break promises. Going onto no man will marry u that is 100% completely untrue. Do you think men only think about sex and if the woman is a virgin, believe me I'm a man I we don't..don't worry. A pure woman marries only a pure man and vice versa unless you repent. This basically means when you repent you become like a virgin and clean/pure, but if you don't repent you cannot marry a virgin/clean person.Muhammad s.a.w says the one who repents from a sin is like the one who never committed a sin in this case you will be a virgin. Main point here is that when you repent Allah makes you clean and pure. I believe in you sister that the fact you feel guilt after doing this is that your heart is good and your not a bad human. Last point remember Allah knows we're weak and commit sin day in day out all of us. So do not despair in Allahs mercy no matter how bad of a sin any of us commit. I'm sure everyone here will make Dua for you aswell alongside myself. Read Quran as well as verily hearts find rest in the book of Allah.

  25. Dear sister, please dont think so much, try to become the first love of someone(man), tell him true about your past, and stop commiting sins in future, always ask forgivness from Allah, pray 5 times, I m sure you will have a happly life, your heart will be satisfied, Allah will forgive you, and Your husband will surely love you truley by heart.

  26. i dont know how to post problems here thats why i m discussing my problem here.

  27. Aoa
    I feel so sad for you, sis. It must be extremely painful. But the truth is that he doesn't love you. If he did, he would've gone against all odds and stood by your side.
    Allah swt is Most Forgiving.
    Allah Ta'ala loves it when a slave returns to Him in repentance. Do not despair, my dear sister. I promise you that if you repent sincerely, you will feel the Mercy of Allah Ta'ala enveloping you.
    Allah SWT is the Caretaker of those who are righteous. Wa huwa yatawallassualiheen.
    Have yaqeen in Him. He who adopts taqwa Allah Ta'ala makes a way out for him and provides him for where he could have never imagined.
    Have yaqeen in the promises of Allah Ta'ala. If you leave sin for His Sake, He will grant you better iA. He will open up ways for you and He will grant you a good loving husband and a happy marriage.

    Please let go of this person. There's no point being the second wife in a situation like this. He will get rid of you once he gets bored. Both your families will not be supportive and this person doesn't seem emotionally stable enough to stand by you when the going gets tough. He will leave you when he will not be able to cope with the pressure of his family, your family, his wife and you. Please be sensible, it's better to suffer a bit right now and be patient till your heart heals than to be with him and be hurt forever. It'll only scar you more.

    Please look after yourself. You are in my duas.
    May Allah keep you safe and in His Protection Aameen

    Wassalam

  28. I'm the girl who originally posted, after three years of being in the same cycle, i was blinded by my feelings for him. i wanted to believe he loved me, that he would do the right thing and keep his promises to me,, that all my years spent with him weren't all for nothing. he would tell me he didn't love his wife, that he didn't talk to her, that he hadn't bought her over or applied for her visa because he was confused, that he was sure about me just wasn't sure about doing a divorce the excuses would just keep coming and i blindly would accept deep down hoping things would work out.....i stupidly kept seeing him talking to him clouded by my feelings, knowing it was wrong, and i can't even justify my behaviour. every year he would still go back once a month to see her, maintain intimate relations with her and then say it was his duty towards her. he would go and ignore me while with her, and would message to say he was trying to fox things and stay hopeful. he would always come back and ignore me then eventually worm his way back. he has tried the past three years to convince me to do a second marriage, saying he doesn't want to register both our marriages.

    in the end, he made it clear he will never leave or divorce his wife and left me. he said I'm not going to end things with her. if you want to be with me do a second marriage.i realised i had been stupid. he never had any intention of ever leaving her. he was only using me to satisfy his needs as he knew i loved him and his promises of marriage were just his way of buying time. when i asked him, if he never had any intention of leaving her why did he put me through all this, he just gave no response.

    he told me it was over as it was my fault, as a few months ago i made the decisions to walk away and cut all ties with him. i gave him a choice. i said if he wanted to be with me i wouldn't do things in a haraam way anymore, he could either take the choice of ending his marriage if he was unhappy and come ask my parents or leave me alone and focus on his marriage. he wanted me to do things with him ( sexually) and i refused and stopped him to which he got angry and told me he was then going to go to pakistan and make a decision once and for all. before he left i asked him to promise me, don't do anything with her and end things if i meant that much to him. he didnt want to make that promise to me so i told him it was over. i felt i was a toy, being kept a secret here while he went bak to be with her. he left ignored me all month and when he got back ignored me. he told me it was my fault that he went to be with her as i was the one who ended things.

    i was lucky enough to go for umrah recently, while i was away he would message asking me if things were over. when given the chance he didn't want to be with me but when he feels me moving on he try to find ways to make me feel its my fault.

    I've put all my energy into reading namaz, focusing on repenatance, i feel so blessed to have been given the chance to visit the house of god and start fresh and i realised if he loved me he wouldn't want me to sin. all he wants for me his a haraam relation.

    i always felt i wasn't good enough, i had done something wrong, i hadn't tried hard enough, but after him leaving me to be with her, and telling me it was his duty to be with her i realised, if he can make her feel loved, what about my feelings. i always put his feelings above mine. I tortue myself each and everyday when he in reality he never did love me.

    I've made a lot of mistakes which i regret, each day my heart feels heavy. I'm nearing 30 now and proposals have stopped coming as i wasted my prime years waiting for him, to keep his promise, maby this is my punishment,which i accept, but each day I'm trying t find peace and move on from this poison, i pray i am forgiven, that if i deserve, i find a husband someone who will love me back.

    for any girl in the same position i would say don't fall a victim to my mistakes. i learned the hard most painful way. i fully accept my mistakes and i deserve to be hurting, it was only reading these advises i had the courage to finally take the step and remove him from my life. i feel hurt, angry and have so much pain in my heart, wondering if i will ever fully move on, he found love and has been blessed with marriage i don't know if i ever will, but i have faith in allah, and thats whats getting me through, i find peace in knowing I'm doing the right thing, even if it means being alone, feeling lonely, and even though i don't know what allahs plan is for me, i know he saved me from a greater pain.

    • Did you quit the job where both of you work together ?otherwise you still be stuck in the same loop .Quit job n move away from him ..if you don't want to do then marrying him as a second wife is better than current status which comes under zina

      • No, i am still at the same job. we cut all contact with each other and only have a professional working relationship. looking back, i regret it all. i can see the man he really is. he never loved me, he just used me. at the start of this year, he wanted to maintain a relationship with me but i told him i would not and that i didn't want any contact with him. after that, he went bak to his home country and called his family and wife over. he told me to move on with my life, as he was fed up. he said that he would never do divorce or ever leave her, and that all the promises he had made me, he couldn't keep any as he was fed up and also wanted to move on. he is happy in his life. i know i was wrong in my actions, i have repented and I'm trying to keep up with my prayers and stay on the right path. i guess i learned my lesson the hard way. he sees his wife and family coming over as a fresh start, as no one knows the pain he has caused me and knows he has got away with his treatment of me as would never go out to seek revenge. i do not want to marry such a man asa second wife and i guess his intentions were never of marriage, it was just to pass time, either way, i am trying to focus on my life and iA hope i find happiness too

        • Salam.....sister always always stay with deen join some Islamic classes online like AL HUDA,AR REHMA... they have a course for free.
          Can you find another job? It's better to move away from him and not have to see his face every day. It's better for you. Allah forgive who honestly realize and ask for forgiveness for sure......Allah do forgive zina bcz you weee tricked and you are guilty about it inshAllah.
          Try to change your job,move away from him,he used to he will try again,he is sick man any ways.
          He will for sure try to give you looks that your heart will melt and you will fall in love all over...... bcz he was in your heart once.
          Delete it sister.... you can do this. Y joining any Islamic class bcz you take one step to Allah He will take 10 to you subhanAllah
          Go back to Allah he loves you and you love him.
          This sickjusy want one nice simple marriage and keep you on side to have fun.... so sick.
          I wish such mans never be happy.

          Stay away and that classes will refresh you over and over and you will find peace.
          About losing verganity manygirls lose it dont worry sister.
          Plz pray 5 time make tahajjD love Allah be happy.

          Wear hijab and follow Islam seethings will have for you and Allah will send you some one you deserve..., one more thing don't ever ever talk about this past to any one bcz it will cause only problems and pain.
          Be honest and after getting married be a perfect wife and be happy your past was your past it's over.... you are not cheating your husband or doing haram when you are in a relationship,so don't worry about any thing.

    • Im really proud of you sister. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you well. He did not deserve you. If you have turn you life around, he is the biggest loser. He could not prey on you anymore or control you through his lies. You steered yourself away from this horror of a man and saved yourself. Well done. That took courage.

      Sister, I am widowed, 40 years old with 4 children but I have faith in Allah sbt to protect me . He was also the Only One who was really protecting me even when my husband was alive. Do not consider your life wasted . Do not be a pessimist or worry about the future.

      Nobody knows what Allah has planned for us. Perfect your relationship with Him first.

      I pray my dear sweet sister good things will come to you and much of Allahs blessings will shower your life , Inshallah.

      Your sister in Islam

  29. Who says he has got away with anything! In the eyes of the world yes, not in the eyes of the Creator.

    That's a very good sign that you were performed Umrah, It is Only God who calls to His house whom He wishes, your repentance has been sincere.

    Find a person whom you truly deserve.

    Unfortunately males will promise you the world when they want to bed someone, same goal different ways and tricks to get it! Its the usual game.. I love so much and I can't live without you etc etc etc.. females fall for it every time, its like selling candy to a baby, I guess females are suckers for love!

    He wants you as a second wife, well there's plenty of Russian brides he can order from the Internet!, He can take his pick.

    (by the way i'm male, and no I haven't done anything like this to another female - my father always used to say, never break a females heart.. I took the safe route never had a girlfriend or relationship with anyone.. I cant be asked to waste my emotions, time, and money on something that can break at any time and any place.

    When you going on Umrah next?

    How did you find Makkah and Madinah?

    How did you feel out there?

  30. Can i please request this post to be removed.

  31. no .... the post is there and don't worry it wont be deleted.

    • You do not have a right to ask someone if they are a virgin or not. But you do have a right to make it absolutely clear that you do not want to marry someone who is not a virgin if that's what you want. That allows the person to be honest with themselves and respect your desires without revealing their sin. They may offer whatever reason they choose to back out.
      This business of going around asking people to reveal if they've committed major sins simply because you're interested in them is un-Islamic.

      Also, as a man let me tell you this dear women... NEVER EVER EVER tell your husband ANYTHING about a previous relationship... ZERO! NOTHING! NEVER! It will NOT bring you one mustard seed weight of good and WILL cause irreparable DAMAGE to your relationship.

      Be honest with yourself!

  32. My dear sister I understand your pain and pray Allah help you find a way back to a strong faith...you must remember two things Allah is greater; greater than any situation ,any problem,any person,any sin,any desire and any pain,second that nothing is permanent;the pain and fear that you feel now will also eventually pass; I lost my father at a young age and at times I felt so much pain that I wouldn't be able to breathe but Allahumdulillah I even got over that...just put your faith in Allah and everything will be fine...I love you my dear sister and may Allah bless you with the best of both worlds! Aameem

  33. Allah is Ar Rehman, Ar-Raheem. He forgives
    Please, pray tahajuud just one time, cry in sujood and ask forgiveness
    He will surely forgive .
    And please don't contact that guy again or maybe leave that job ( as I find that job, a source of zina). I know it would be VERY hard, but you'll eventually see the good results
    And remember, Allah Forgives
    He is very merciful
    My prayers are with you ! ❤️❤️

  34. Salams

    First he needs to repent. Then both of you get married and you becoming his second wife.
    Problem solved.

    • he did not want a second marriage. looking back he was saying this to pass time. his intention was to leave me as soon as his wife got to uk

  35. In all honesty, when he asked you whether he should go to Pakistan to look for a lady for marriage I don't think suggesting he should go was the right answer as this only proved to him that you did not care for him enough to marry him. I think he wanted a straight answer for his own reassurance, perhaps to see whether you would get jealous and how much you wanted to marry him. So this is why he is blaming you telling you it's your fault for cutting off with him and not wanting to be his (second) wife.

    I think the truth is, he loves both you and his wife and wants to be married to you both. He does not want to ruin any relationship now otherwise he will also end up in a mess.

    It's possible that his mother or him can not afford a big wedding hence the reason why he said his mum will not give you a similar wedding reception as his first wife or, especially if it's considered a taboo to marry a second wife in the area you live. If you really want to marry him then you should consider a humble wedding which is more Islamic and more blessed.

    Don't be overly suspicious of him or speculate about him but ask him directly what he wants to do if he still wants you. You will then know his true intentions.

    You can be honest and say you will consider being his second wife, if you can handle this.

    It's not sharing a husband. It's about having the capacity to understand your husband that he can love two women and love you completley even though he has another. Remember it's only you two who are that close to him and no other. If you and the other wife do get along you can keep him straight on the path of Allah and keep him away from casinos etc.

    Perhaps you will find in her a close confiding friend and sister and the jealousy will soon disappear if he treats both of you equally and with true love. The only issue would be if it is really practical especially once both wives start having children as it will require more managing and a delicate balancing act. Here again, both wives can also help one another caring for the one who is expecting or with the kids if you have no one else in the family for support or to baby sit the kids.

    The prophet pbuh himself had more than one wife, so it is Islamic.

    • i am the original poster of this message. wanted to thank everyone who took the time to give advice. its been a hard and difficult few years, and if I'm honest the pain of what happens still resides in my heart. second marriage did not work out. i guess that was never his intention and the words of every advice here was correct. he would always want to be alone and commit wrong, and whenever the topic of marriage came, he would delay it by saying i need time and then ignore me. we cut contact and only started communicating on a professional level. he applied for his wifes visa and called her over. my parents started looking for proposals for me, but unfortunately, it has not been successful. the time i wasted with this man, my age caught up with me. i am now told no one wants to marry an old 30 year girl from uk (why would they if they have a much younger girl to choose from) and comments like this really put a dagger to my heart. he doesn't know i am still single he assumes i am engaged/married, or how much pain his actions caused me. i repented, and made a decision not to show my emotions in front of him. we have had no communications, but recently, 2 months ago, he tried to be innaporiate by touching me and asking me for physical contact. this went on for 2 weeks, by the grace of allah, i am so much stronger and would never fall into this trap. he said he wanted "fun" with me and wanted to keep me and his wife "separate" and wasn't it better i was in his life like this than not at all. i told him i didn't want any contact, and that it be better i am not in his life att all rather than in a haram way. it was hard, as old feelings i had buried resurfaced. i later came to know his wife is currently expecting. in front of family/community he plays the loving husband, loyal family man. no one would ever believe if i told them this. he even went to try and kiss me, when i rejected and confronted this, he said it was all in my mind. i felt really disgusted that while he plays happy families and the loving husband he has no regard to all the pain he's put me though. and to try do it again. i do feel really sad, that while I'm struggling to even find a spouse, happiness of my own, he is now blessed with a child on the way. i do feel lost at time, and i have no one to turn to, i pray and my tears fall in sajood. i don't know who to turn or talk to, or where my life is going, and all around i see everyone getting married, having children moving on.

      i know allah is the best of planners, please keep me in your duas xxx

      • You are not getting blessed because you are not trying for it .
        Who is stopping you from quiting this Job and move away from him .Repent sincerely and try a new life .
        Why you are stuck there for so long ?
        Quit the Job for your own good .

    • Do not marry this man. You will be back on this forum in one year time I promise , telling us how he never comes to see you and has dumped you with his kids.

      Do not become a second wife. It only serves the man. He has two women yearning for him. He has the best of both worlds. Do not try and replicate the saintly figures of the Quran. You were not there.

      Find a single man with no other attachments.

  36. This forum is interesting and I learn so much. The guy was using you sister and that is what guys do. Never give your virginity untill you truly love him and you are married with him. It is beautiful thing if you are meant for him. You were naive and young and didnt kno what you were falling into. Now you know for future sake and also when you have kids you will teach them

    • this is true. i feel so heartbroken to think i lost it so careless, based on false promises. he always assured me things would work out. said he wouldn't ask for more time if he was going to leave me, i do sometimes fall into the trap of thinking, after everything he has done, put me though, he has been blessed with a wife who loves him, a child whereas I'm still struggling to find that. i wish more than anything, i could take those wrongs back, erase them from my mind and my heart....people say with time you forget and heal, but i guess there is some part of you that always remembers, its always there.

      • Your problem is you are still in the same office with him as your boss and lost in recursive loop .
        Resign from this job and move out far from him .Start a new life and repent .

      • I can see you are a good person because you feel shame and remorse. Thats why you must not become mixed up with people who want to lead you astray. Show this man, you have devoted yourself to Allah and purify yourself through the only person who can cleanse you.

        Leave this self absorbed idiot behind. I know you are not totally innocent as you did consent to sexual relations but nobody is perfect and if you want to start afresh , Allah sbt will let you but you must trust HIm. This man will only take you to ruin.

        Listen to your good brother and sisters. Break all ties.He has only brought you misery.

  37. Dear sister,

    Your story is painful to be honest. The only thing i would suggest you is that stop immediately from your wrong actions and don't loose hope in Allah's mercy. Ask HIM for forgiveness and make a pact with HIM of not repeating your sins. Either get married soon or observe fasting. I am hopeful that it'll help you dear. Ameen

  38. Let go of this man he is not worth it all. I was with someone for 2 years and i had no clue he was planning his own marriage. These men will never leave their wife. Get out the haram relationship and save yourself from it. Someone will come along who will know your worth

  39. AssalamuAlaikum sister

    I have bee n prating for you while reading this post. My heart bleeds at your pain and reading your messages has been soul searing.

    How are you now and have you got married to a good man? Please reply i feel so disturbed by your situation.

    May Alah help you and,ease your difficulties, guide you, protect you and fulfill your hearts innermost desires Ameen

    • salam sister,

      thank you for taking time to read my post, your prayers and duas, it really does mean a lot to me that someone out there is praying for my peace and happiness and its more than i can ask for.
      in answer to your question, no i am still unmarried, its been difficult to find good proposals due to my age now, have had rejections based on the fact people want a younger bride, in she allah it happens when allah wills, i am trying to pick up pieces and rebuild my life day at time i guess, i won't lie, its difficult, i am keeping up with prayers and praying one day this hurt in my heart dissolves completely

      • Insha allah you will get it .
        Have you left your job ? As this is important to move away from that man and start fresh .

      • This man cannot be trusted. He has taken so much of your time and energy. Do not give him anymore. If he is prepared to make you a second wife this means he has no qualms with his wife hurting because she will hurt. He is tricking her too. If you turn him down, believe me, it wont be long before his is trying to convince somebody else to be his second wife.

        This man has no loyalty to anyone and men such as this are making a mockery of their sister in islam , and Islam itself. Only Allah can help them.

        In the meantime , do not marry him because you feel guilty and desperate. Allah has you. He can see whats in your heart.He does not want this for you.. You are going from fuel to fire.

        Forgive yourself. See forgiveness from Allah and make a fresh start. Do not give this man the time of day. He will just string you along.

        Love yourself and the world will love you.

        Your sister

  40. Allah is Gafurur Raheem.....continue asking for Allah's forgiveness and move on with yhur life . One Allah will bring some one special that will love yhu even though you are not a virgin...prayer is the last thing i ll say to yhu

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