Sex and relationship with a married Muslim man.
I really need some advice if possible. I met a man from Gambia 3 months ago and we hit it off. I am single and have two children (both from different long term relationships) now when I met this man he assured me that he was single also but a month ago he came and told me that he has a partner and a child (I knew about the child from the start but thought the child was with a previous partner) now this man is currently living with his partner and their child, he told me that he does not love or want to be with his partner and that he is unable to leave her for another 6months as his visa in the UK is dependant on her. I was extremely shocked at this as I had given him every opportunity to be honest; I asked him numerous times if he was single and each time he assured me that he was. We have already slept together numerous times and I do have feelings for him but only in the past week I have started to think more and question the future.
Now this man told me last week that he was due to start fasting for Ramadan (not being religious or knowing much about this I decided to look it up) after looking this up and reading about it I asked him if we would be allowed to continue being together as it states that only if the couple are married can they be together now when I asked him he said that we would need to be married in a Muslim way. Over the past week he has spoken of this about 3 times and also text me saying "would you marry me"; I replied by asking if that was a text proposal and he said that it was but that he would also do it face to face and on one knee. I am really confused and hoping that someone can help or just give me some advice as my friends are telling me that I am being stupid and that he is only after the one thing, I suppose I would just like to know the ins and outs if we could ever be together as he has told me he is quite religious, he has also asked me to return to gambia in november with him for two weeks while he goes home to see family but I am a bit unsure.
I have some questions below if anyone can help:
1- If this man is Muslim how can he be with me and still live with his partner (who is polish) and his child? Is this not wrong?
2- If he were to leave his partner could he be with me and could we get married?
3- What does he mean when he says we would have to be married in a Muslim way?
4- Would his family dis-approve of me as I already have two children?
5- My friend who also is a muslim told me that this man can not be a proper Muslim because he has been sleeping with me whilst he has a partner at home, is this true?
I am so lost I really dont know what to do?
Pinkpink1
7 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Hi Pinkpink,
I am sorry to hear about your predicament. I will be blunt before answering your questions.
What this man is doing is wrong both Islamically and morally. It is a major sin and he is betraying his wife. I honestly advise you to stay away from this man despite what he says. Its the oldest trick in the book, *(he cant leave her for 6 months, 6 months become a year,2 years 10 years etc.) Don't cause yourself pain by hanging onto someone who should only with his wife! Let him go and find someone who is single and can commit to you fully. Also if you are aware he has a wife it is not nice to continue this relationship. Put yourself in her shoes if you can, you would be very hurt. So I strongly advise to leave him and not look back.
I will answer your questions to the best of my ability:
1) In Islam it is true that a man can marry up to four wives IF he treats them both fairly, equally and provides them with their rights equally (financial,emotional, physical etc). He must also be a father to any children. I am not sure about the arrangements, as they differ from family to family but he must spend equal time with each family. Its very difficult and for that reason its only a minority of men who do it as its a very big risk of being unjust to one wife (as its so hard to be fair) and committing sin. However a man who wants to practice polygamy should find his wife in the Islamic way. (No dating, no meeting alone -meeting only with a third person present to talk through and ascertain whether they are compatible, certainly no touching at all etc. This seems strict but it is to protect from premarital relationships forming).
2) I do not know the answer to this. Maybe. But you need to ask yourself would he actually leave his partner. He may love her but just want a second relationship on the site or he may bewith her for convenience. Also would you want to marry someone who cheated on their wife. If he could do it to her, he could do it to you too.
3) This Muslim way is through a nikah or a Muslim marriage. Court marriages are not valid Islamically. Only a nikah marriage is valid. It is also done differently. I have very little knowledge on nikah I am afraid.
4) This depends on the family. In Islam, if someone converts their past sins are forgiven, plus children are innocent so children should not shunned. However many familys do have problems with single mothers unfortunately.
5) Yes this is very true, what he has done is abominable. He should stop his relationship and turn to God and ask for His forgiveness and then work on his marriage. Adultery is a huge sin, not even just in Islam but in many religions.
So I advise you to leave this man, as I fear if he does marry you, you may end up in a secret marriage (which is wrong in Islam) and he may not fulfill your rights. Or if he marries you openly all hell will probably break loose. These are speculations but still there are a LOT of problems which can arise.
By all means look into true Islam though from the Quran and Sunnah (example of the Prophet) it is a beautiful religion to explore and it will answer more questions as to how Muslims should be. This mans behaviour is not representative of Islam and as Muslims we should strive to emulate The Messenger of Allah, Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him).
I hope that answered your questions and that you find a solution for this difficult situation.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you for responding, there have been a few "strange" developments since i submitted this post as i understand you deal with a back log of posts and this takes time to go through each and reply.
Anyway; and i know this probebly does not make much difference but im not sure if him and his partner are married; neither wears a wedding ring and i have been told that it is a marriage of convienance to allow him to stay in the country (although if this is the case why have they had a child together, seems a massive thing to do if theres no feelings involved)
He has also recently been fasting for ramadan and he has given me loads of things to read on his religion and explaining about different aspects of his religion; iam lost as to why he would do this unless he wanted me to consider his religion further or he would like me to understand his religion.
i have read a lot of "not so good" things on Gambian men and how they use women in the UK but i really wouldnt like to think that hes doing that to me although its looking more like he could be.
can i just respond to the answers you have given me for my questions...
1, i have asked him if he believes in men being allowed to marry more than one wife and he responded by saying that he does believe in this but it isnt for him.
2, i have been asking myself if i think he will leave his partner and i really dont know the answer to this when it comes down to it; if this is a marriage/relationship of convenience then it really isnt right but am i willing to wait for him if i think hes the right one for me, im so unsure and also because if hes cheating on her he can easily do that to me also
dear pinkpink in islam we have that if a person wants to get married with a muslim girl he first have to inform her father that he wants to engage his daughter he first have to see u and u also have to see him in the presents of your father u have to ask him about himself u have to see that whether he is the good future husband for u and the good father for your children and your parents have to except him too in this way u can wisely choose your future husband.but have this man done any of these how can a person choose to himself a wife in this way by dating ,sex ,sleeping with her and living together if u choose a wife or husband in this way your marriage is going to be spoiled your children future is going to be lost but when ever any man comes to u and says that he loves u dont easily fall in his tricks u first tell him to come and meet your father or any from your family members if he refuses it means that he does not want truly to marry u he is just messing with u and many girls & boys have been the victims of such tricks.thats why u have to be always careful because( every thing that shines is not a gold )so be always wise in choosing a husband the next time.&may Allah bless u.sister shystar
Hiya. u and i both know that u already know the truth in your heart and despite what anyone says u have already made up ur mind on what your going to do.
is he playing u?
yes.
is he going about islam correctly?
no.
will he do the same to you?
yes.
can any relationship fully function without honest and trust?
no.
that pretty well sums it up.
now this was posted a long time ago, hopefully despite having kids u came to your senses and realised that u DO deserve better and are NOT still with this being who isnt worth ur time and attention.
I was in that situation but a bit different I thought he single, I flirted with him and made him went crazy for me, he was so obsessive if I was with any man. He would near me.but till then the whole world come crashin down to me that he was MARRIED man! The thing is how its started he the one chatted me up and started to compliment me, then actually I can't remember we both started to flirt, I didn't know that he was married. I was so mad about this man, I even prayed to Allah Tal'la but luckly Allah Tal'la give me signs and hint that he was married. Showed me my dream that what would the conseqences be. I saw in my dream that I was expecting his child and he wouldn't leave his wife and kids, dump me and leave me to bring up this child, deny that he's father of our baby. Also I left my own family in the dream.
I heard that he married with kids. I was upset but evenutally happy cos if I didn't find out other wise we couldve did an haram act ( u know what I mean when a man and woman get together) luckily I didn't ruined my life. He was crazy I meant crazy over me when I left there and I ask a mate she said he left then I saw him again, he was working out and showing off his body tryin an impress moi! I am not interested
I know its none of my business but a muslim woman shouldn't flirt with maharam men. I learned my lesson wouldn't do it again. I know that if I did have an affair the affair would result a haram baby, so best wait till you get married!
I don't understand your lifestyle. you say you are single but with kids ......is this life.
you do what ever you want ....anyways we don't undetstand you.
If you are considering a religious marriage...in a religion you dont understand...just to have sex. Then already i think you should question your reasoning. This man is a con artist. Trust me i know so many. He is using you for his own personal gain...be it money...sex....a place to sleep on occasion....a second visa option. God knows. But hes a user. Dont find out the hard way....run
Find the wife on facebook and ask her