Islamic marriage advice and family advice

2 weeks pregnant

Aborting a child is not only socially or morally wrong but also haram in Islam unless practised for right reasons

I am 26 years old and my boyfriend is 28. We've been seeing each other every single day for about 12 Months now. We got too attached to each other and can't seem to let it go. He's married still, they'e separated for over a year now (she's at her parents) and they have a son. He' s Afghan and I am Palestinian. We got really close from work. Then we started hanging out and going out. Months went by I found out he was still married when I was under the impression they were divorced. I asked him what's going on with them? As i wanted to know the truth. He told me they were trying to work it out but he wants me too and I just came into his life and confused him. He then talked marriage and said lets do a nikahh. I said no, not unless both our parents and her know (cause there's a child involved). I told him the marriage would still be invalid unless my parents know nonetheless i wouldn't want to cause more complications later on. His family just went through alot too with losing his younger brother to murder. He agreed. I felt that he needed to sort his seperation first and talked about it but we still kept seeing each other. I love him and i know he loves me. He's done alot for me and we just happened.

A couple of months ago, we gave into our temptations and I had missed my period this month. It was supposed to be on the 11th. Doctors confirmed pregnancy at a couple of weeks and he said whatever decision I choose he will be there to support me no matter what. He asked what my family would do if they found out. I said I am disowned and I would have to forget I have one. I would be too ashamed to look anyone in the eyes or talk to them afterwards. He said now if u asked me too. I wouldn't get disowned but I would lose everyone's respect. He comes from a big family as I do too.  I told him I can't abort. I've done so once before in the past and I repented and till this day it haunts me no matter the reasons i did for it to be done. I can't live with myself to go through that again. I want to marry him but he needs to man up and tell his family about me first. I am aĺl in to be with him but he seems scared based on events that took place the past year with him and his family. After his brothers death( may Allah have mercy on him) his wife's family and his family started talking again so I understand how it could be hard too and a disappointment but I feel like it's in his hands. He's just scared to hurt feelings. He told me that too. I am willing to keep it a secret from his family for now, but eventually they will know. This is unavoidable. He needs to come talk to my family 100%. We don't know how to go about it now in the best way. Please advise.


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14 Responses »

  1. I really don't know what to say. You want one thing, and he can't give it to you. So...by the time it's your due date, you will probably still be in the same position as you are now, because neither of you is taking action. The only difference is that you might get disowned in a couple of months, because you can only hide a pregnancy for so long - and you seem to be willing to wait for your boyfriend to get his act together for eternity.

    In your shoes, I would give your boyfriend a deadline and if he doesn't tell his family by then, it'll be safe to assume that you will be on your own. In that case, you will have to prepare yourself for telling your family that you are unmarried and pregnant - because if you are going to keep the baby, you cannot exactly hide from them that you are with child.

    Even if you are going to be a single mother, make sure that your boyfriend at least pays child support. It's not your problem how he's going to explain this mysterious monthly payment to his wife and family.

    • You're right. I've been too patient and understanding and I put my own wants on hold to accomadate his feelings. Lack of action is our problem and I will be giving him a deadline tonight.

      I believe we still have a chance to save ourselves a bit if we act now.

      Thank you for being straightforward.

  2. There are differing views of abortion within Islam. I would terminate my relationship with this man and terminate the pregnancy immediately and stay away from any and every married man. You like many women in love failed at your duty to Allah and had a sexual relationship with a man, a married man. End it immediately. Don't cause any more pain to yourself, your parents and your family by continuing your haram relationship with this man. He has already failed to marry you for whatever reasons he has provided, which are weak. Why should he marry you now? He already has a wife. He might even claim he is not the father. I would go as far as saying that he has told you only what he wants you to know. If you had the opportunity to speak to family members or somehow observe him when he is not with you, you would probably see another person. That is the typical behavior of men who mislead women. They enjoy the excitement, adventure and physical charms until a baby and all the responsibilities of marriage and parenting are presented to them. End the relationship with the married man. Do not get involved with a married man ever again. Make taubah for your lapse of obeying Allah. End it.

    • Thank you for your reply. What are the differing points? There are none that I am aware of. It's only if the pregnancy is a danger to the mothers life that it would be deemed acceptable or rape, that I've read.

      And with all due respect, I wouldn't call it misleading. He hid the fact, yes. But he came openly and told me and never lied when I asked him. Yes, i didn't like the answer i was given so in that sense. He hasn't misled me. If he lied to me about the desperation then that would be another story.. His intentions were clean. They don't live together and she lives at her parents. They're separated because of certain issues that I don't want to get into right now. I can't leave him. I tried to leave before and he wouldn't let me. He told me everything and that was before anything sexual. Out of the year we've been seeing each other, it just happened recently. So how could I just leave him?

  3. Okay first of all why are you fooling around with a married man? You stated he was departed than u go into his married than his working it and that you want for him to work on it with his wife.? Than you say you want give him time than you say you still go and see him! What is wrong with you? Sorry to be so blunt but leave him and his wife along

    • I don't think you understand my story. You're taking bits and pieces from it and causing me of intentionally wanting to mess with a married man. Which wasn't the case at all.

  4. You say months went by and you were under the impression he was divorced? What gave you this impression? When you first got involved, did he not clarify that he was NOT divorced but separated? That he was single?? Did he give you impression that his marriage was over and he would be getting divorce? If this is the case then he has lied and manipulated you by getting involved with you. If he told you he was trying to make things work but also wanted to be with you and was confused, why would you get involved with a married man who couldn’t control his feelings by indulging in a haraam relationship while trying to fix his marriage? You have destroyed any chance of him and his wife repairing their marriage. As hard as it is to hear, this man is not legally or islamiclally divorced, so you have been in a relationship with a married man. There can be no excuses, I.e family situations, past from him delaying things if he was serious. He can either choose to divorce his wife and be with you and raise this baby or he can choose to salvage is marriage. Cut of this haraam relationship but be there for the baby. Unless you want to become his second wife. This man was seriousness enough to have zina, but does not seem serious enough to face the consequences

    • You're right. He gave me that impression. He told a coworker in front of me once he was single while she was filling out paperwork. Also, because we were at work from morning to night and there would no phone calls. .No communication to hint anything. For 6 months I heard nothing I was told they had issues and they didn't live together by someone as well. So that's what gave me that impression along with his actions.

      But you're right. We've spoken. And it's either I be his second wife and be strong and accept the circumstances now for what they are without his side knowing, for the baby or I face the consequences on my own which he said is not happening. I never meant to damage their marriage and I've told him that too and he said that's nowhere near the case.

      He admitted to be an idiot and not doing things right. When we spoke, we admitted that we both got weak and did wrong.

      I was never okay with being a second wife and it's not easy. That goes for anyone else out there thats been there. The thought breaks my heart that I would have to share my husband. But now it seems like it may be the only solution to this. I told him I'll never accept these circumstances he's asking me to accept. Hes asked me to marry him on his conditions for some months now and i declined, but I'm willing to put up with it for the baby because if I get rid of it now. We would both be adding more grave sins on top of what we've already done. And I would have to respect their marriage and not let it bother me. I only seeing it last so long and I've also told him that. I gave him the option to divorce me afterwards as well. He said if I am having his child he will never divorce me.

      I am sorry for the long reply. You're 200% right. I didn't see it that way before. I was blinded by my feelings. The whole situation just makes me sick to my stomach. Now we need to accept the consequences and try to make it right.

      • I pray that if any young girl out there is reading this to realize these situations really exist and a man who's being extra nice and sweet and caring and understanding to the extremes may be hiding something from you but the truth always comes to light and some secrets never last forever.

        • I’m sorry to say but this man has clearly used you to fufill his desires, in a haraam way, while still married to anouther women. Step outside your This says a lot about his character. Why would you want to marry a man as a second wife let alone be his first wife? Had he been honest, and respected you, he would have told you this situation from the start. He is now giving u option to marry his as a second wife and keep it secret. No marriage should ever be secret and this is not the actions of somone who loves you. This man is not entirely at fault. You should know the consequences of your actions. You knew relationships are haraam. U knew u should t be approaching a married man. U knew u shouldn’t be having zina. I guess you knew this but still went ahead. Fault lies on both parties. You say yourself u don’t see marriage lasting long. U said urself u told him to divorce u? Why would u give man the option to marry u only to divorce you? To end up as a divorced women to an already married man? This man has made it clear he won’t leave his wife. Have your baby. Repent. Raise this baby alone. You will find anouther man. Let the man be a part of the baby’s life but you do not need to complicate matters by involving yourself in him further. You’d aid urself u would hate to share ur husband. This is exactly what u r putting his first wife through . Save yourself the pain of a man who will never fully be there for u, who wants to keep u a secret. Who can dovroce u as u have Given him
          Option.

  5. very bad sister ...you are in a very bad situation. this man is not going to leave his wife for you. its you who has to take a decision. Go to his parents and tell them this is what your son has done so accept me as your daughter in law.

    otherwise you only have 2 options. either be a single mom or abortion which you dont want.

  6. No offence but what makes you think he's going to leave his wife for you? Its clear he still loves her but also loves you. Him and his wife got in a bit of an argument causing him to take time off and then you came in his life out of nowhere which created this whole drama. What you two have done is very bad but you will both have to pray to Allah everyday and fast as well. As for your child, you either marry this man and accept you will be his second wife, or you leave with your child in shame with your whole family disowning you and probably never expecting to get married again.

    My advice would be to stop escalating this thing more and just marry him for the sake of your child who will need a father in his life.

  7. sorry to say, u r in a very haraam situation, Allah has commanded women to inform their parents if u r in love. u have to present this to Ur family immediately. Allah never sends hardship more than a soul can a bear. so u have to tell it to parents, and they might talk to his parents about ur situation. or they might take care, alas u have a life growing in you. u cant pre- tell that ur parents will disown you

    coming to abortion, abortions are totally haram, understand one thing that baby's are a blessing from Allah. it is sure that there is a blessing with that baby in you. that might show miracles. ur parents might take care of you, that man might accept you. or Allah has destined a future for you. first cut off the relation with the man without him knowing, if he truly loves you he will wait for a few days anyway. ibe in the halal way, cry and pray isthikhara with strong belief. and inform ur parents immediately.

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