Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Quit the bad habits but the drive is driving me crazy and I want to get married

I'm a 29 year old man from karachi and an engineer by profession, also pursuing my master's degree.
I've had been a slave to this abhorrent sin of masturbation for at least 10 years. I had been in a relationship with two girls and it was pretty intimate( with just one sexual encounter), and I gave it up after that probably because saner part of was aware that having sex before marriage is almost an unforgivable sin. All the way through this time, my conscience
kept telling me that it was all very wrong, which I kept ignoring for a long time though I always used to feel bad about it after every session of masturbation or making out with my girlfriend. I wanted to avoid it but this evil had a strong grip over my mind. Then one day I finally decided that I have had enough and decided to quit masturbation and the relationship with my girlfriend, 2 years ago. Since that day I have not given in to this cursed habit, it got the better of me once and I masturbated. But repented later on, I offer 5 times prayer and ask for forgiveness in every prayer, I cry, I beg Allah to forgive me for my sins. 2 years have passed and I'm staying strong and have kicked this habit once and for all. Now there is no porn, no masturbation and no girl in my life.
The problem is that I've a very high sex drive and it is making me crazy and it's very hard to control the urge to have sex but I'm trying my best.
I want to get into a legitimate relationship that is get married and satiate my urge the halal way, well within the boundaries prescribed by the Almighty. I've asked my mother to get me married as soon as possible. I come from a well of family, it's not like I'm not a good looking person, I'm very fit and regularly go to the gym. I got a job after graduation very recently and have been working for only an year now therefore the salary is sort of an issue for me. I earn around 32k a month but that is bound to improve insha'Allah because I've got the education and the skills. My mother tried sending a proposal to a couple of girls on my demand( but not wholeheartedly) I feel so. On both the instances the girls' parents accepted the proposals up until I told them about the salary. I was very disappointed and disheartened by these rejections. Is money all what we care about these days? Can't people understand the fact that a person who is in the early stages of his career can't be earning 500k a month. It is gradual process and takes time. It's not like their daughters are going to die of hunger. I've my own house, my own car, a permanent job though not a high paying one but it will get better and I'm good looking. But money is all what we care about. I could so easily get a girlfriend and do all what I want with her, but when I try doing it the halal way, rejection is all what I get. What am I doing wrong? Could you please explain to me? Yes, I pray to Allah whenever I can. I say Astaghfar throughout the day.But why is this happening to me? And No, I haven't lost hope in the Almighty, I can never do that. But I seriously hate this materialistic society, I've been utterly disappointed. They have made marriages so difficult these days while sinning is so easy. I don't knwo what has this world come to. Please help me and tell me what needs to be done, this is all becoming a source of depression for me.

May Allah have mercy on us all.


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8 Responses »

  1. It's no secret that Pakistan has a very superficial, materialistic and a hypocritical society, and being Pakistani I can certainly vouch for that. Pakistan is very far away from Islam, and that's why sinning there is much easier.

    I hope you have repented to Allah for your past sins, and will never make those mistakes (having girlfriends and illicit sexual relationships) again no matter how difficult the circumstances become. Our lives are a test from Allah, and we all have to carry some kind of burden.

    The Islamic advice I can give you is to be patient. Occupy yourself with work, studies, hobbies, family, friends, charity, acts of kindness etc. I'm sure something positive will turn up, InshaAllah.

    Or why not approach your ex-girlfriend the Islamic way for marriage?

  2. Assalamu Alaikum Brother,

    I feel so much for you and your plight as you struggle with natural urges, faith, and the actions of others. What you are feelng and experiencing is actually quite common for many boys and men. In our teen years, our biology or physiology causes us to have these feelings, and naturally we begin to cater to them in various ways, most commonly through masturbation.

    At some point(s) in our lives, this matter comes up, especially when we are trying to be faithful. Personally, I have gone through the same thing as you, in terms of whether it is right, righteous, or halal to masturbate. Obviously, most religions look down and discourage this activity, considering it equal to list and/or fornication itself. In your case, as with many others, you forced yourself to stop the practice, though not the suffering. You also tried to get married, but although (based on what you described) you are a good looking, educated, faithful, working, and ambitious man, women and/or their families are judging or assessing you solely on how much money you presently earn and not on the previously listed good attributes. Unfortunately, how you are being assessed is not only unfair, but it is quite common. The result: you continue to struggle both physically and emotionally.

    My personal belief and opinion (not based on any religious book at all) is that when you are this seemingly impossible position is to just go ahead and masturbate. Porn is wrong but our natural urges and feelings as grown men come naturally. Even if you don't masturbate, you'll have annoying wet dreams (also called nocturnal emissions) and erections that can emerge at times and places where they'd be quite inappropriate. I'm not not a medical expert, but I've seen a couple news stories that lack of ejaculation by males can even be a factor in the development of prostatitis and even prostate cancer, which is scary.

    I give up masturbation for Ramadan, and that's very tough, so to go for two years, especially when it's something so strong on mind must be shear torture. Obviously, it's up to you what you will do about it, but if you are living your life righteously as you've explained, I wouldn't let the actions and badness of others let me suffer so much as you've described you are. Thus is just my opinion, and perhaps many others won't agreement but the truth is that we all do what we need to do, especially when we're doing everything else the right (halal) way. In closing, here's a link to an Imam who counsels brothers and sisters on this issue. Perhaps his perspective may help you decide what to do, or least help you figure out how to deal with your emotions and despair.

    p.s. I'm having trouble pasting the link to the article about the Imam in this comment, so I'll post it alone in a second comment. I hope things improve for you, brother.

  3. as salaamu alaykum akhiy,

    It's truly Sad that a young man of your station, who wants nothing better than a Halal life, is being Hindered by semi-Hindus, who're so lost in this Dunia they can think of Nothing but material benefits! SubhaanAllaah this really gets my Goat! On the other hand you're better Off without these money pinchers for in-laws. Are there no other ethnic groups of Muslims that are Less materialistic? I assume you're living in Pakistan? What about the Pashtun; are they as bad? A revert girl perhaps, or would that be unacceptable to Your family or yourself? May Allaah swt help you find a good and righteous wife ASAP! aamiyn!

    • Semi-Hindus is a very accurate description for Pakistanis. 🙂

      Unfortunately, most of us still are unable to let go of Hindu traditions, and follow the purity and goodness of Islam.

  4. What about seeking the girl you had relationship with ? If the one you had relation with is still single and repented and send a proposal to her house through your parents . It is unclear as to if you were in love with her or not but if you think she is worthy of being your wife , than you can re-think on that.
    Other than that patience is the key and loads of dua . Read tahajjud asking Allah to bless you with a wife . May Allah make it easy for you .

  5. Just to be realistic ,brother say if you get married ,if you find our that it is not fulfilling your sexual desires bcos of so many reasons then it will be a another new surprise .A general myth is that marriage means Any Time Sex .It doesn't happen that way .Some times it might not have satisfied you too .You might be left wondering about it .In short there is no guaranty that marriage will solve your problem .If you want to avoid sins follow islamic basic principles of avoiding looking at girls, avoiding watching movies ,avoiding mix up with women , fasting etc etc .Even you might require it after marriage as I said there is no guaranty that marriage can solve your problem .

  6. You have to be patient. The "arrange market" can be very difficult and people get caught up with their demands & requirements etc. It's good that your looking at marriage to avoid zina etc but sex shouldn't be the onlyyy reason you want to get married. It's a huge responsibility. You should also be careful when picking your spouse...just be sure your lust/sex drive doesn't get in the way. Look for someone that your not only attracted to but will be a good mother to your children. Good luck.

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