Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Extremely scared of the opposite sex….

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Salaam everyone,
I'm so glad I found this site and I hope I can overcome this insecurity and fear i have had ever since I was young.

I am a 15 year old girl now. But previous memories of my life still haunt me. I'm scared to step outside the house without my brother or father whereas my friends freely roam around. I'll describe situations I remember best according to how much ever memory and knowledge I have.

When I was just 4 or 5, I vividly remember this horrible scene even to this day and I get chills in my body. When I visited my cousins house....there was this teen boy I didn't know about. I was just a happily cheerful girl playing with my cousins and I had no idea what awaited me. After a while all of us when to play hide-and-seek on the roof and that boy being the eldest helped me to find a hiding place and told me "come with me , let's hide together ". I simply agreed. I don't want to ruin my language here so I apologize if anyone gets offended . He pulled down my pants and tried to.....get his "thing" in mine. I was absolutely horrified. I remember making a run for the stairs . I don't remember he was successful or not but I was really scared. Thinking about it now, tears emerge through my eyes knowing how disgusting boys can be....that too to a 4-5 year old girl....

Moving on...I live in an Arab country and near my house there is a huge mall which is basically a mall we visit every weekend. When I was around 8, I remember another terrible incident occurring. Being the normal kid I was, I was extremely fond of chocolates so there was this weird shopkeeper who used to talk,play and give me chocolates whenever I went there. But his affection was really awkward and weird and my mother told me to stay away from him. But one day, while I was a bit away from my mum....I remember him touching my bare stomach as he lifted my cloth up and trying to remove my scarf and touching me in a horrible and a disgusting way....

And numerous other events occurred...even when I took up a hijaab and and abaya. For instance, a man followed me all the way from one shop to another,when I was 10, until he got so close to me....and before I realized he had been putting his hands on my backside. I was absolutely HORRIFIED!!! Weird men following me,staring at me even continued as I neared my teens. And to be honest, I never believed that my own uncle, who knew me since I was born, would end up being like that to me. Trust me,dear brothers and sisters, I never desired such attraction from strangers.

These and more situations compelled me to take up niqaab and Alhamdulillah...incidents like this have reduced. But my past still haunts me and the fact that I can't openly talk about these to anyone since I'm ashamed to do so upsets me a lot. Are men honestly so disgusting? ?!!! Raping, molesting, etc. caused in the world are majority by men. Seriously, would these horrific men like if the same thing would be done to their daughter's and mothers, sisters, etc??? So that they are eaten up by fear to not face the opposite sex??? Honestly, at least, I'm gonna feed good cultures on how to respect women to my brother's and In Sha Allah to my son too. Because trust me...I honestly hate men sometimes and you would too....if you were in my shoes....

ShadowScreamingTwilight

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18 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum sister its so sad to hear what happened to you. This is too common! You need counselling sister, not because anything is 'wrong' with you but you need to let your feelings out and work through your fear. Remind yourself in scary situations that you are in the present have a look online about PTSD and see if any of that describes your feelings and also look at grounding techniques - they will help you when/if you feel afraid. Of course you will feel like crying remembering this type of thing, I would feel tears about this too. You are brave. Let your feelings out so you can move on from the past - unfortunately some of these men can almost 'sense' quiet girls who would not say anything in the moment , especially as you were so young. Just remember you are older now, in sha Allah at the right time the right man will come along who will make you feel beautiful and loved, they are not all the same x

  2. W.slaam My sister
    I am a 28 years old Male (Boy) my sister
    it is so Sade to listen your unbearable real story i am very much shame that i a man the man are really like that and they are very most at every where may allha give them hidayat. But I am not like them allhumdullillha and my sister you did well done that you wear Abbaya and Hijab please when ever you talk to someone man then do not talk more to them try to speak shortly and do not laugh front of them and Do not see at their eases do not make eye contact and try to go with someone.

    May god bless on you

    Regards:
    Danish Mirza
    Pakistan

  3. "would these horrific men like if the same thing would be done to their daughter's and mothers, sisters, etc"

    Most of these kind of man do the same thing to there sisters or daughters , there are story's here on this website about it also its very common in the news where I live. Its because these disgusting man the allies of the devil, so can you really expect better of them? In the west a person usually goes to jail for these kinds of crimes but in other areas of the world they go unpunished , so its the country's fault too for not taking actions against these kind of people. Also its because sisters are to shy to tell someone if they were harassed or abused, this has to change , they need to start reporting this kind of stuff if not to the police then maybe to their parents or a anonymous kids/women helpline.

    • Should one tell the future spouse about such incident happened in the past?would it be considered the same as exposing someone's sins if it's done by a close relative?

      • Don't ask nonsense nowhere did I say she should tell her husband or anything like that. In Islam your suppose to stand up against immortalities and injustice. If people don't start reporting these kind of things how will they get fixed?

        "would it be considered the same as exposing someone's sins if it's done by a close relative"?

        So if its done by a relative these women should just keep quiet and not say anything? Doesn't matter who its done by it needs to start being reported , how much longer will it go unpunished?

        Other then that its not the OP or any other victim of harassment that was at fault , so why feel ashamed and keep quiet about it?

        • Hey i actually wanted to post the comment in the comment box but since I'm using a cell phone i got confused and clicked on the "reply" to your comment .
          Secondly I wasn't referring to the OP or your comment at all .I was actually talking about myself since the same happened to me in childhood and now I'm getting engaged so I was wondering whether I should be telling him about this or not .I wanted to ask the question from the admins or generally anyone reading it.its related to the same story so I didn't make a separate post.
          Sorry for the misunderstanding though 🙂

          • You shouldn't tell him , the only person you should of told something like this was to your parents or a legal authority who could of taken action against the criminal since they would be the only one who would be understanding. Your husband doesn't need to know this, because most likely he will not be understanding.

      • As far as I know you dont have to say. Being abused is not a sin on your part! It is talking about sins that you engaged in willingly, even those we are meant to cover. We need to stop blaming ourselves for attacks made by these men and speak up more often and feel less ashamed. These women/children/men/boys who were abused did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel ashamed about! The people who do these acts should feel ashamed. I dont think one has to say who did the abuse exactly but thats up to each individual. Islam is not about oppression and hiding these things Islam came to protect people and their rights to a healthy happy environment safe from perverts!

      • Qurat ul ain: Should one tell the future spouse about such incident happened in the past?would it be considered the same as exposing someone's sins if it's done by a close relative?

        Telling your husband about some thing like this may prove like opening a can of worms. He would like to know about who did it and that could cause problems in the family because it was done by a close relative. If this thing happened when you were in teens you may be blamed for what happened.

  4. So sorry to hear your story sister. And no, not all men are like this but your experience is really horrible especially at such young ages. May Allah give you justice for what you have gone through. Counselling is your best option. Let out your feelings, don't hold back to tell somebody that is close to you. Its always good to talk to someone to feel comforted and know that people are there to support you and understand your hardship. I never knew arab countries were that bad. May Allah make situations easy for you

  5. Dear Sister,
    You will be surprised to know that most girls/women have been through some or other such harrassment. These issues are just dusted under the carpet and we all believe that these problems do not exist. They do. Very much. And with increasing prevalence.
    You have lost your trust in men and you fear them. It is very right that you should be cautious but, it is also true that none of this was your fault. As you can see by the responses, men themselves are ashamed of this behavior. So take heart from here, whatever happened was wrong and from now on you will take a stand and be assertive. You will confidently point out when you are wronged. Because, when somebody does some wrong, they are always scared of being exposed. So you don't be scared, rather scare the wrongdoer away!
    You are right, respect for women should be imbibed at home.

  6. OP: When I was just 4 or 5, I vividly remember this horrible scene ....there was this teen boy I didn't know about He pulled down my pants and tried to.....get his "thing" in mine. I was absolutely horrified. I remember making a run for the stairs . I don't remember he was successful or not but I was really scared............Moving on...I live in an Arab country and near my house there is a huge mall which is basically a mall we visit every weekend. When I was around 8.......... there was this weird shopkeeper who used to talk,play and give me chocolates whenever I went there. ...I remember him touching my bare stomach as he lifted my cloth up and trying to remove my scarf and touching me in a horrible and a disgusting way.....And to be honest, I never believed that my own uncle, who knew me since I was born, would end up being like that to me.

    I don't think that teenager put his thing in you because that could have caused injuries and bleeding and your mom would have noticed that. Shopkeeper touched you when you were 8, now you are 15 and you can stop any one from touching you.

    Main concern is your uncle. Does your uncle live in your home? If he is still around you have to be careful not getting close to him or being alone with him.

    It is sad to know an 8-10 year old girl is not safe in a Abaya in an Arab country.

    These things happened when you were 4-10 years old. Now you are 15 much bigger and smart. No need to be scared of any one.

    • ' you dont think it went in because it would cause bleeding' it doesn't matter if it did or not I dont think that is the main point. The main point is it should never have gotten to that stage to begin with and is traumatising either way. may Allah help all muslims going through such horrible things.

  7. I have young nieces and children and i feel so upset sister.
    You must understand that both little girls AND boys can go through these things and really bad people do exist. but Not all are bad,
    and i believe mothers are the ones who should protect their daughters and you shouldve secretly told your mother if she is an understanding person. But i know its hard and so embarassing.
    Pls pray to Allah and do his zikr and recite Ayat ul kursi every time you leave the house.
    If you want to talk to a psychiatrist online, theres one by the name of Faisal mamsa who can help you on skype. He has a group on facebook called psychelp

    best of luck

  8. These are bad evil men...True men fear god Allah....they are gentle n sweet and talk softly...they are the true believers remembering Allah much....So you were affected and had a bad experience. ....but life will go on 4 u...Unless Allah wills.....Remember build your Iman and master salah and read quran daily for it will protect you and bless you with wisdom patience tranquility love happiness Barakah in everything ....reason why so SHAITAN doesn't play with your head.....because his job is to bring you down to disobedience and corruption. ...SHAITAN is a master at playing games especially when you are weak in faith....Remember he knows you from birth so be careful. .........They say an idle man's brain is a devils workshop!

  9. Thank you so much for all your kind responses. It is pleasant to know that there are people out there that are against this kind of heinous crime. However, many of you say that I'm older now and I can finally manage taking care of myself and move on. I've tried to. I really have. And wearing abaya and niqab in an Arab country, which girl can't be safe??? Sorry people, some girls really can't be safe. Just day before yesterday, Wallahi, ya akhis and ukhtis, an Arab followed me all the way through my shopping trip and even tried to talk to me!!!! I never asked for this!!! I was truly horrified cause if he would follow me to my house, I wouldn't be alive till then....dead out of fear. There are some friends I know who usually shrug them off and take it coolly, and some even talk back! But sorry, you paedophile, I ain't one of those!!!

    Currently, I'm going through another heartbreak,so I don't want to stress myself to extreme extent. My mom also notices all these men following me lately and she's worried about it. She's advising me to wear a huge Jilbab thing that is basically REALLY looooose and simple. She even is forcing me to wear hand gloves to cover my hands. I do understand this is her motherly concern,but isn't she going too far??? The abaya I wear right now is a bit figure tight,not too much but a bit and my hands are exposed. But I don't wanna get into this Jilbab thing cause NONE OF MY FRIENDS AT SCHOOL WEAR IT. And its weird.

    However, I'm glad my brother has decided to accompany me wherever I go because I make a lot of fuss about this issue. He actually cried when he heard my previous stories. And WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO TOUCH A NIQABI???!?? WHYYYY???? I hate undesired attraction from someone i don't want it from....and I don't get it from the one I want...but that's another issue.

    I'm truly sorry if any of you are bored or think it's too silly of my repetitive lame fear....but Its really tough for me.

    • I never knew such things would happen in an arab country. Do try to listen to whatever mom says, she is wise and experiences. practice screaming infront of a mirror. Why would you faint on your way back home outt of fear. No, but try to act strong and scream if a dirty person comes close. these guys are afraid of bold women... and attack the quiter and shy ones

      • Internet and cell phones are changing how people make connections. According to Dr. Musfir Al-Malees, a family consultant, social networking sites have contributed to at least 25 percent of divorce cases in Saudi Arabia. According to a survey covering marriage officials, 20 percent of divorces in Saudi Arabia take place as a result of extramarital affairs unveiled through the exchange of messages and photos on the social media.

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