Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Family disown me

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Dear all

I seek your advice on my complicated story. I come from an arab family, muslim and happy to be so.

Since a young age, I knew I had a different mindset than my friends and family. To make it short, I never believed in our culture... Especially when it comes to marriage.. Never saw myself marrying from my own people as I wanted to be as far as possible from this mindset.

My family fell under the cultural influence unfortunately. I had a beautiful upbringing, graduated from one of the best universities in my country. I always had an issue with the culture, and the way people view everything with a judgmental eye. I met a guy online, I'm 25 and he is 28 and South American.

In a month of meeting him, he surprised me by converting to Islam based on his own decision. After that he confessed his feelings to me, at that point I knew he was a special man, I knew him for 6 months. Someone who comes from a totally different background, yet fully understand my culture, and offers to speak to my dad about marriage as a way of doing the right thing.

As you may expect, my dad and mum and siblings totally refused without even asking my opinion or even bringing it up to me! He informed me that he spoke to my dad and was told that "you are a great man etc but unless you have the passport please don't bother" with teary eyes he left my house confused as to why all the racism when its not allowed in Islam to do so!

Skipping some major events and sparing you the drama involved , I took the hardest step in my life that I thought I'll never do... We eloped to Asia. After my husband got a job offer we decided to leave this place and do what's right for both of us... I couldn't hurt myself any longer, I was desperate to break this culture although it meant breaking the hearts of the ones I love ..

My parents reported me to the officials of course, giving me some troubles leaving the airport but thank God we eventually did (we left the Asian city to an island for a month as its part of my husbands job).

After 3 months of negotiations by email and phone, I gave my family what they wanted, they said come back and get married here and save the family reputation etc. They assured me safety and not to harm my husband. Little did I know what they planned... Once we arrived, I was banned travel and my husband was banned entry and was asked to leave...

Its been 6 months of separation and I miss my husband so much, he talks to me and we are both depressed, we started looking for ways to help us out of this, we are kind of reaching something sold that can reunite us in a few months .

I love my husband with no doubt, but he keeps reminding me that once I'm out I'm done thats it never to see my family again as they can't be trusted. Through all of what happened my family are good to me , although banning me illegally isn't fair. But the idea of never seeing them again hurts me, I love my family and my extended family as well and it's not fair to be separated from them or my husband!

Having to choose is horrible, please advice me Im so confused, I want both but it's impossible to have... they are stubborn and they never will accept they said it's either them or him. But I don't have a choice! They banned me - how can this be freedom of choice?

Sorry for the long story, I thought details will help.

Please advise me.

Thank you all.

miaabril


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12 Responses »

  1. Asalaamu alaikum.

    I was in a situation similar, although the man decided to choose his culture and I was stuck learning the religion on my own. Alhamdulilah, fortunately I was my own decision to convert and it made the abandonment much easier to get over. But it did really hurt, especially because he promised me that he wanted to leave his culture and follow his religion. He said he wanted to marry me but he did not. He disappeared and never spoke to me again.

    What your family is doing is terrible, but you must know they believe it's for your own good. With that being said, I think you should listen to your husband. He's waited this long for you and he came to your family to do the right thing and marry you. Your family are not following the religion but their own desires.

    With that being said, I suggest good ol' fashion taqwa and sabr. I don't know where you're from (I can guess though) and don't know the laws in the country but please research and pray about this. I really think your husband did the right thing. Though it's hard for him to understand the love you have for your family, I think he did a good thing. So, I believe that if you wait patiently then you will be delivered from the hardship. Watch the Daily Reminder on YouTube. They usually have some beautiful advice and duas especially about hardships.

    I have issues with my father about my converting. I don't see him coz we live in two separate countries now, but I love him very much. Even when he makes jokes and says things about my religion (even he has done some other lame stuff that I hate), I couldn't stop loving him. So, I still contact him to see if he's alive. Whenever you make it out, and in Sha Allah with your husband, you don't have to go and see your family. But maybe check and see if they're doing okay once in a while. You were trying to go from them anyway.

    I hope this helped, sister.
    Nanachant

  2. NanaChant: I was in a situation similar, although the man decided to choose his culture and I was stuck learning the religion on my own. Alhamdulilah, fortunately I was my own decision to convert and it made the abandonment much easier to get over.

    I am wondering how your situation is similar to her. Looks like some one used you and left with some kind of excuse. In OPs case it is her parents who don't want her to marry a man from a different country/race.

    • Yeah.

      His family wanted to marry someone from his country. I met his family and they were all friendly and his mom sent me hijabs and a niqab. But in the end, the problem was that I was American.

      So let's say, I relate most to the husband. Her question was if she should choose her husband or her family. If she chose her family, to her husband, it would be like my situation...

      Did you literally just read that part of my comment? Let me go edit, since it must not have been clear.

      • OP: His family wanted to marry someone from his country. I met his family and they were all friendly and his mom sent me hijabs and a niqab. But in the end, the problem was that I was American.

        Some men play this drama to get a residency or citizenship. their families know and play along.

    • Idk how to edit it. So nevermind

  3. OP: . "you are a great man etc but unless you have the passport please don't bother" with teary eyes he left my house confused as to why all the racism when its not allowed in Islam to do so!

    What is this passport thing?

  4. what kind of love are the parents showing by forcing her to be a prisoner? and what right to they have in restricting the rights of another person? how has he been banned from the country? im no scholar of islam but it sounds like corruption and bribery (the parents' and or government's actions). this man offers to convert, etc, he has job... did you marry without consent or blessing? is there not a rule that consent or blessing cannot be unreasonably withheld? i have the same view of culture as the op - im not much for being a part of any particular culture, however i respect one's right to it. live how you want to live as long as you are not hurting anyone. i married someone from a different race and culture and everyone is happy, and no one has the right to determine what a person believes in, and should not be punished for doing do - unless of course your belief is of criminal and violent nature that inflicts pain on others that choose their own ways and beliefs... but the right hold such beliefs is still yours to hold with all the consequences that follow..

    if you walk away from your parents, maybe one day they'll see that the happiness of their daughter outweighs their own happiness.. unless im totally wrong and islam demands total submission to your parents and the religion. but if that's the case, is there a law that prevents you from traveling to find out what the rest of the world has to offer?

  5. Dear Sister

    It appears that your husband is angry and feel cheated. In anger, people make irrational expectations. The best

    thing to do is not to argue with your husband(this will come handy later in your marriage life). Go along with him

    quietly when you are free. After a few years things will get cooled eventually and you may be finally be able to

    convince him to meet your parents in such a way that they do not confine you again.

  6. Dear little sister
    I have read your post and feel that you are torn between the two (Your husband and parents).
    I know that what your parents are doing is slightly overboard, by banning you from being with your husband , you should somehow talk to them and see if you can come to a mutual agreement and keep talking to them until they finally agree to certain level. In life you and your parents both have to give and take. SO KEEP TRYING WITH YOUR PARENTS! Maybe you should ask your parents if your husband can live nearby and convert so that they get to know his character properly, for all your parents know it's just been said his converted and there has been no proof. Parents would like ti see their son in law bringing up his children through the right respectable Islamic way, all parents want best for their children, by saying that your husband is this, that and the other doesn't mean he is and therefore doesn't prove nothing to your parents, so that's the reason why I'm saying talk to your parents and ask them what is it they desire of you and your husband, so that they can be sure your husband is a genuine guy and get to know him too. One in Islam can't just walk away from their parents once they see the first flesh. Yes the world is getting to the stage where all people fall in love and don't think of nothing but their immediate happiness.
    We Muslims aren't cruel we are not 100% selfish, Yes we do follow culture to some extent and yet i believe the same time our kids think we are backwards and just want to run off with their new man or what you so say husband. Your husband needs to work also harder towards your parents and you too. Don't hurt your parents by running away because one day you will regret, What goes around comes around, One day you will be a parent too and believe me parents all die for their kids happiness. You'll only understand when you become a mother that the little life what Allah swt has sent to you as a gift you will bend backwards for.
    Problems escalate when you run away that's why face them and be patient, pray understand the love of your parents they are only trying to do right, so prove it that you are ready to compromise and please be patient throughout. Please don't make it sound as if it's all about you and your new husband.
    Although you say you love your husband he needs to make sacrifices too by being a man and by not askung you to run away to the sunset,Would he abandon his family for you? Your husband needs to put himself in your shoes and your parents, he needs to prove harder that his a good person and that he is able to provide for you and also bring himself to understand how hard it is for your parents too.
    Love is blind and causes lots of destruction and lasting pain to all, so please trend carefully, I know his your husband now but he needs to work with you and your parents not give you ideas of messing your parents over, asking you to go away from your parents, his not a proper man and doesn't love you enough if he is not willing to sacrifices a year or two of his life by continuously trying to make a go with your parents.
    Please little sister make your husband understand that he needs to respect your parents and that you and him need time for your parents approval, don't be fooled by your husband that he gets it all his way, by the way I am a mother and my daughter is in love with a black guy who says his converted and yet his ran away with my daughter, because she thinks I'm not meeting them half way. I looked at your post through a parents point of view and it's a horrible situation to be in, kids in life do put parents through hell when there in love.

  7. OP: I met a guy online, I'm 25 and he is 28 and South American..........In a month of meeting him, he surprised me by converting to Islam based on his own decision. .....As you may expect, my dad and mum and siblings totally refused without even asking my opinion or even bringing it up to me! He informed me that he spoke to my dad and was told that "you are a great man etc but unless you have the******* passport please don't bother" with teary eyes he left my house confused as to why all the racism when its not allowed in Islam to do so!...... We eloped to Asia. After my husband got a job offer we decided to leave this place and do what's right for both of us......After 3 months of negotiations by email and phone, I gave my family what they wanted, they said come back and get married here and save the family reputation etc

    I don't think your parents are going to change. Seems like "passport" is a big thing for your parents. Your parents should follow Islam when culture contradicts with religion.

  8. Who was Wali (guardian) to your marriage ? Without Wali from girl side your marriage will be in valid

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