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Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said, All my Community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night and to wake up and tell something that they did such-and-such, while Allah had concealed it for them. They slept under the cover of Allah, and they rended Allah's covering from themselves in the morning. [Bukhari and Muslim

I am a new Muslim, and 20 years of age and I am having some issues concerning relationships. I am French so if some of the sentences I say dont make 100% sense, please bare in mind that my English is not so good because I am French. Anyway, back to the issue. I've known this girl for about nearly all my life and its beeen 3 months now since we confessed our love for each other but we've been in love for more than a year and I knew she loved me and that I loved her. I want to have a Halal relationship and thinking about marrying her in the near future, InshaAllah. I know her parents and she knows mine and we've all agreed on this. Anyway, here's the story:

So like all relationships; I've told her about my darkest secrets and and she did the same but she told me about soemthing that really shocked me. Now, I've never had sex in my life even though I wasn't Muslim all my life and have been in several relationships but she told me just recently that she did have sex before with her previous "boyfriend" and he forced her. He constantly seduced her and took her to his house and made her sleep on the same bed. So I didn't know how to react to this and I know it took her alot of guts to tell me this. She was crying to me on the phone for hours and telling me how much she loved me and how much she wants to be with me and that she didnt want to hide anything from me since we want to be with one another. I told her that the past is past but, I keep thinking about it. The types of things she done with that guy. She told me she's never had full sex just was pleasured by that guy using other means but I know that it's not the case and that she did go further and whenever I think about it, I just feel so disgusted and I feel like I want to throw up but sad at the same time but I still want to be with her.

I love this girl, and I want to complete half my deen with her. I cry every night asking for Allah's help and every time I think about leaving her my heart aches and I just cant do it. I've never loved anyone like this in my life, to the point I would fall sick whenever I don't communicate with her. We have not seen or met up with one another ever since we've confessed and I told her that; its for the best but its killing me inside. I want to marry her but at the same time, thinking about her doing that stuff with another man is just, very upsetting. I wanted to be her first and her last but now I know I will just be number two. Oh, and she keeps telling me how dirty she feels inside of her and dissapointed and she cries every night thinking that Allah will never forgive her for that sin. She also called herself a female dog 🙁 I really feel bad and she also made me cry when she said that.

Before you say try to move on and find someone that is "clean"; I want to say that, I did try but I can't. My heart won't leave her and I cant get her off my mind. I am seriously confused and I don't know what to do? What is the best advice you can give me because I don't know what to do anymore but I really want to be with her and can't think about leaving her. Please be kind because of my english is not so well and sorry for the certain words I used that didnt sound very "professional". I don't know the exact words to use so I just used what was on my mind.

Asalamu aleykum and Barakallahu feekum

- Alain

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam Alain,

I am sorry that you are feeling the pain of jealousy towards this young lady's past relationship, and I am sad about the effect that this is having on you.

The issue here is one of jealousy, and you are very jealous about something that has been and gone from her life. On many levels, she never had to tell you this information - but she did - and now you have to deal with the emotional barrage that comes along with it. I think what is causing all of this is that you build up a relationship on a particular view of this lady (that she was as chaste as you are, that she was untouched and so on and so forth), you have then bonded and fallen in love with all of this information and then, right at the end, you have found out that what you knew was not the case. The feelings related to discovering something in this way are feelings of being lied to, decieved, there will be feelings of jealousy toward the other guy and there will be feelings of anger and resentment.

Before we go further on how to manage these emotions, I would like to state clearly that: pre-marital relationships are forbidden in Islam. The reason that it is very important that we do not engage in a relationship before marriage is because entering a relationship interferes with reasonable , clear, rational thinking. Therefore, once somebody has pursed love and got to a stage of the relationship where they feel that they love a person - it is then very difficult for them to make a good decision after that point, because they believe that they cannot live without the person with whom they think they love.  This is where you are right now - you feel as though you cannot live without this person, and you are feeling emotional agony trying to accept and get some understanding of what you really want and what you really feel - however all of those feelings are being dominated by a different, powerful emotion which is "the desire to have another person in your life".  The truth about love is that love is a very peaceful emotion of mutual respect, trust and friendship which gets stronger and stronger over time, it is not (as is so commonly believed by young people) the emotion that you cannot survive without this person in your life. Feeling that one cannot survive with someone in their life is "desire" and it is characterised by an all-consuming need to have this person (similar to greed & lust). Because there are emotions and psychology involved in human emotions, these feelings of desire and lust are often misunderstood as being "love" - often because there are two people who are feeling it toward each other at the same time. Lust is like a craving for something: you think about it, you think about it - the more you think about it, the more you want it. Then: you have it. The feeling disappears, your lust has been satisfied, and therefore it diminishes. Love - is completely different to this emotion - so I just wanted to make that clear. If you feel a greater desire for something when it is not available and a lesser desire when it is available: this is desire / lust. When you feel a desire to see something happy, want to see it be the best that it can be, want to ease pain and share laughter, be there for them, have an instinct towards protecting them from harm: this is more like love.

On the subject of the young ladies historical behaviour - really, this is for you to decide if you can be at peace with this or no. Statements such as "I'm second", "I'm not the first" - these are  negative and self-defeating sentences that you are using, which indicates a negative perspective. Perspective is important: a different statement could be "she chose me not him" or "he was not good enough - I am" and statements like this. She has, after all, parted ways with this other guy and seeks to marry you - which (in my opinion) means that if there is anything to be won here - you have won it. I will speak more about perspective later on.

On the subject of jealousy regarding her past relationship, this is a natural feeling, however it is important for you as an individual to be able to successfully master the skill of knowing which battles to fight, and where to invest your time and energy. The best place to invest your time and energy is the place where your actions can have a long-term, and positive impact which leads to a positive outcome. Investing your time and energy into fighting what cannot be defeated (such as the past) is not going to result in any kind of peaceful future: "Beware of jealousy; for it eats up good deeds as fire eats up wood"  (Abu Dawood).

On the subject of perspective. At the moment, you are what can be described as "in a whirlwind" - the whirlwind of emotion. You are up, down, spinning, dizzy - you are feeling all of these things at the same time - you are feeling feelings of withdrawal from this girl - crying, pain: a whirlwind. What would be healthy for you at this point is to step outside of the whirlwind and try to see what is really going on here. It is very important that you can connect with reality  - even in the midst of deep and troubling emotion. Here is what has actually happened:

1. Girl tells boy some information

2. Boy has negative reaction and tells girl he doesn't want to see her for a while

3.Girl goes home and cries and pleads

4. Boy goes home and cries and pleads

Everything else that is happening in your relationship with this girl, the crying, the emotions, the agony and the pain: you are generating all of this and adding it to the storyline. It may be that you feel it is not true love if it is not so dramatic, or it may be that you feel that you must react powerfully like this for it to "mean something". It may be that this is your understanding of love, and that demonstrating pain to this level is in some way romantic, it may be that you enjoy these feelings - that these feelings are exciting and that (even though they are negative) you would rather feel them than not feel them. However, what has really happened here is that she told you something you are not happy with, and you need time to assess whether you can accept it or not - everything else is what you are generating.  In truth, if there is love here - you can take all of the time you need - without the emotional agony that you are going through - and simply give yourself some space to think. You don't have to cry and feel that the world is coming to an end because you are in pain. The key to a successful life is not to have a life without negative emotions - but rather, to master yourself so that when negative emotions occur - they do not disable you, destroy you, lead you up the wrong path, and make you do something that is outside of the rules that you live by. Islam is about self discipline and it is important to keep yourself under discpline and not obey your every emotion - as this is a very destructive habit that will lead you to recklessness and harm.

My first and most important advise to you therefore is to bring yourself under discipline before you go any further. "And as for him who fears to stand in the presence of hisLord and forbids his own soul from its whims and caprices then surely Paradise is the abode". (79:40 & 41), "O David! …do not follow the whims of your own soul for they will lead you astray from God's path. (38:26).

Second, it is important for you to return to a state of worship and take time away from this lady and return to a state of purity and pray to Allah for forgiveness, and for guidance. This will assist you in returning to discipline and it will help you to see more clearly.

Next, it is essential for you to practice faith, which is the act of being content with whatever happens as a result of following Allah's commandments.  You state to yourself clearly and firmly: "Whatever happens I am happy with it" and you submit yourself to consequences and you stop telling yourself that you cannot live without this or that, which is completely out of line with faith. Faith and acceptance of consequences (good and back) is part of faith: “And among mankind is he who worships Allaah as it were upon the edge (i.e. in doubt): if good befalls him, he is content therewith; but if a trial befalls him he turns back on his face (i.e. reverts to disbelief after embracing Islam). He loses both this world and the Hereafter” [al-Hajj 22:11]. Instead of falling into despair when something has gone wrong - accept it: “Say: ‘All things are from Allaah’” [al-Nisa’ 4:78], i.e., everything happens by the will and decree of Allah, which applies to the righteous and evildoer, to the believer and disbeliever, alike. ‘Ali ibn Abi Talhah said, narrating from Ibn ‘Abbaas. And recognise that everything that is causing you pain right now, is being generated by your own self as I have explained above in the perspective section, and "“ whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself”.

The absolute best thing for you now is to have faith, that if it is Allah's will that you marry this lady - then it doesn't matter what time you take out to contemplate your feelings. Therefore, take some time out and assess the situation and ask yourself if you would have started this relationship knowing what you know. If the answer is "yes" then approach her family in the correct manner, ask for her hand and let all that is past go. If the answer is "no" then stop the relationship and do not try to force yourself to be comfortable with what you are not. It is better for you long term if you are absolutely and completely sincere in your decisions and that you never agree to what you are not comfortable with, because the truth will win in the end.

So my advice to you is to come out of the whirlwind and regain a clear perspective. Bring yourself under discipline, and return to Islam practice and faith. Take time away from the situation and practice these things until you have cultivated a clear mind, and a clear thinking. Once you are in a state of clear thinking, you may pray to Allah for guidance and seek within yourself to find out what choice you would have made if you had known everything from the beginning. Once you know the answer to that question, proceed in the Islamic discipline, rules, spirit and faith.

Peace,

Leyla

Editor, Islamic Answers