Should I Divorce my Husband because he won’t leave the past alone?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I met my husband when I was a 16 and he was 23, before I was Muslim. After talking on the phone for about a year and a half, we had a legal marriage, but no nikkah. I took a shahada shortly afterward, in 2006. We were living in different states at the time, and I cheated on my husband by kissing a guy I knew, on a few different occasions within a period of 3 months. I was mortified by what had happened, though I knew I was the only one responsible.
Everyone in my family hates Muslims, and I didn't know what to do or have anyone to ask; I had recently moved for college and didn't know any Muslims at all, but it was just before Ramadan. I spent the month repenting, begging Allah to forgive me and help me be a good Muslimah inshAllah and even attended Tarawih every single night, stayed for itikhaf and everything. I didn't tell my husband, as I was immensely ashamed of what I had done, and would cry every time I thought of it. I never ever went around another non-relative guy again, and never will; I never want to hurt my husband and love him immensely, plus I was more hurt than anyone by what I had done and am not stupid enough to do that to myself again. My husband and I later had nikkah, with both our families in attendance and the imam from my masjid as my guardian. We still live in different states and plan for me to move after I have graduated from my university, but our marriage is consummated.
Shortly after our nikkah, my husband began imploring me to tell him if there is anything I didn't tell him before the nikkah, over and over. I finally told him about the guy I kissed, and now he won't leave it alone. He interrogated me incessantly for several months, calling and texting me at all hours asking for every little detail, which I tried telling him as best I could. The problem is that the kissing incident happened YEARS ago, and I don't remember the kind of details he's asking for (how many seconds we kissed, what time it was, our exact location, the exact dates, what we were both wearing, whether we texted and what we said in exact words every time afterwards etc.etc. He's really obsessed with these kinds of details).
I keep telling him "I don't remember" these types of details, though I told him every minute detail I could possibly think of over and over again. He thinks I am lying and that I had sex with the guy and am using "I don't remember" to cover my tracks. He even made me sit with him and call the guy to ask for the details, while he listened in, and the guy verified everything I had said, but my husband still doesn't believe me. He thinks of really absurd reasons why he "knows" I'm lying to him, such as "it doesn't make sense you kissed him more than once and he didn't try to sleep with you" (the guy was a virgin and wanted to remain so until marriage--I told my husband this and he said I made it up to "cover my tracks"). He is positively convinced I'm lying and I am most certainly not. I tell him all the time to stop asking because I already told him everything hundreds of times. He says I'm trying to ignore the issue and make it go away instead of addressing it, and that he's not going to "sit back and be lied to" when he "knows better."
It has been almost three full YEARS since I told him, and his behavior hasn't changed. Sometimes he goes weeks without speaking to me because he's mad about "being lied to." I am supposed to finally move and live with my husband in a few months but am contemplating whether I shouldn't. His behavior toward me has been spiteful and cruel for the past three years, and nothing I do means anything or changes anything for him. He tells me love is stupid and overrated, and that it is childish of me to expect love, affection, caring, etc in a relationship; that I should worry about myself and not care about other people, what they think, do, etc. (meaning him, my husband).
He baits me calling me names and constantly reminding me that I cheated on him using that as an excuse to talk to whomever he wants. Recently, one of his old friends called asking him to come to the hospital while she gave birth, as no one else would be there (including the father). When I told my husband not to go, he was going on and on about how alone she was and how heartless I was to act like that. Finally, I got mad at him and told him to stop talking to me about it because I know he won't go and is just acting that way to make a point. Then he spends an hour giving me lectures about anger and how it's my fault I feel guilty and that's why I got mad at him. I think this is really ridiculous, as I know he's baiting me to get mad and then he uses that against me too, even though I will be patient for hours before finally getting mad when he does stuff like this.
I don't want to leave my husband, but I cannot live like this. I get phone calls and messages at all hours from him asking for details, telling me to relate the story over and over again. I have been immensely patient with him these past three years, when he calls during my exams to yell at me asking who I'm "into" from my classes. I am on track to be a professor and now he's telling me that unless I go to med school with him, so he can "see if I cheat on him with a doctor," he will never trust me and that my career as a professor is going to ruin my life. As for him, he does nothing to support me in any way, financially, emotionally, etc. When I talk to him about his actions going against Islam, he tells me I'm using our religion as an excuse and a diversionary. He doesn't physically abuse me, but I can't think straight most of the time and we haven't had a single conversation that didn't lead up to my cheating in years. He purposely acts even worse when I have midterms and finals, as he wants me to go to med school, then he insults me for being upset when I get 3.8s or 3.9s, whereas I have always gotten 4.0s my whole life. I don't want to leave him but I can't live like this OR get through to him.
My question is---should I go to live with him, and give him a chance to see my actions in person, hoping he will see I am trustworthy and would never betray him again? He has told me that he's going to make sure living with him isn't easy, because he "won't be fooled again," and also that I will be obligated to maintain myself financially. He won't trust me until I have gone through med school with him (though he's not anywhere near going himself)....or should I divorce him and stay in my own home, continue on my path and eventually remarry?
I really don't know what to do, have been praying istikhara and never missed a Tarawih prayer since my first Ramadan but still I don't know. I feel like my gut is in the middle. I know it is better not to divorce in Islam and I say I should be patient. Then I think "for how many more years," and "at what cost?"
HELP!!!
OneTwoThree.
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Salaam 123.
Sorry to hear about your situation.
I really hate to advise divorce as its the most hated thing, but it seems that your husband cannot get past this and I can understand how you cannot live with it. Yes you betrayed him and committed a grave sin, but Alhumdulilah you repented and InshaAllah Allah has forgiven you. You made a mistake but you deserve to live without it haunting you. In an ideal world your husband would be able to forgive you, but unfortunately things are not always so simple. Three years is a long time and it seems your husband has lost all trust in you and become extremely possesive.
Maybe try one last time to get through to him. Explain to him that you can now be trusted, you want to move on from this mistake and fix the relationship. You no longer want the relationship to be based upon that last mistake and it hurts you that he keeps bringing it up and not trusting you. Try your very best to get through to him, dont be accusing in any way. Also try to encourage him to go for marital counselling. If he refuses and says he can't trust you etc or he won't let ever let this go then consider divorce seriously for your own sanity.
Please read above links (in green at top of page) on istikhaarah Q & A. This will tell you everything about how to get most out of it InshaAllah and do it correctly.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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My question is---should I go to live with him, and give him a chance to see my actions in person, hoping he will see I am trustworthy and would never betray him again? He has told me that he's going to make sure living with him isn't easy, because he "won't be fooled again," and also that I will be obligated to maintain myself financially. He won't trust me until I have gone through med school with him (though he's not anywhere near going himself)....or should I divorce him and stay in my own home, continue on my path and eventually remarry?
Like Sister Sara, I too consider divorce as the last resort and often do not suggest people to take that route. However, you committed a sin which you have sincerely repented for, made amends and changes in your lifestyle, feel regret over and most importantly, you never returned to it. If in these 3 years he isn’t able to accept your past and see the changes you have made to prove to him that you’ve changed, another year or a few months won’t do anything.
This is the reason why I honestly believe that one’s past should remain exactly in that place: the past. Despite how much one insists on knowing it, promising to accept it, this is the not case when the past is exposed. We’re human and are prone to be possessive when it comes to our “partner”. We all have made mistakes in the past, committed sins but for those who regret their sins and have made amends, if Allah swt can forgive us inshAllah, who is he to torture you over your past sin that you truly regret and feel ashamed of?
I am not suggesting to this guy to forgive you or to not forgive you, that’s his prerogative. If I were in a similar situation, I may have no forgiven my husband for cheating on me but I would certainly let go of him and say, “Look, trust is integral for me and it’s the basic foundation of any human relationship. You crossed that line and I trusted you; you broke my trust. Irrespective of you feeling regret or remorse, my heart will not be able to forget what you did to me. I may forgive you but I will never forget and in this process I’ll just end up hurting you and myself more. For this very reason, I believe parting ways is the best route to go”. This is especially true if I just had my nikah and my marriage was not consummated (but I know yours is). My basic point is, if he can’t let go of your past then he must let go of you/ or you must leave him.
If your life is a living hell prior to marriage, don’t think he’s going to change after marriage. In fact things generally tend to get worse after marriage. I highly suggest you end things for your own good, focus on yourself and, please do not reveal this sin of yours to anyone. It’s in the past, bury it there and walk forward with your life. Focus on yourself and your deen, inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
I just want to make it clear that when I say past—I mean you cheating on him, regretting it and leaving it as the past. I do not mean a past that you had before you met him.
Sorry, I should have written my post clearly.
Helping Sister
......or this could have been avoided by just being faithful to him. It's not hard to understand.....if you cheat people do not have trust in you.
If there is no trust in your relationship, then there is no relatuonship. He will always second guess you and doubt your intentions. I want to say maybe going to live with him might calm him down about those things since you will be there with him, but it might not. Already he seems very controlling to me, and that's never a good thing. You don't want your husband telling you what you can and can't do, where you can and can't go. Give him a chance, a very small one, don't spend months and months drawing the relationship out if he can't trust you. Go to be with him and see if he changes, if not, then I think it's best to end it.
your husband is like a bulldozer he will dig deeper and deeper and treat you like a doormat. leave him . he does not give you peace and warmth . you will find another man deserving of your honesty and love. remmebr your past iis your past. keep it to yourself. you have repented to Allah, you donot have to repent or answer to your husband. you are not christian or hindu. you worship Allah, you have to answer Allah for Allah is your Lord not your husband okay and you have done your prayers deep from your heart you will be rewarded sister. have patience. patience bears good sweet fruit.
a leopard does not change his spots.......donot think you will ever change this man......if you have seen his dark side then there will be no more light, sorry sister its time you move on, there is plenty more fish in the sea, Allah says I WILL HELP THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES BY SEEKING HELP FROM ME...I AM FOREVER FORGIVING MERCIFUL...I SHALL SEND HELP IF YOU CAN BE PATIENT.
Dear Sister,
letting go of the one u hav loved so long is really difficult.. I guess since the fault is on ur side u shud try to sacrifice ur time n studies for him..
He cud leave cant he?? but he didnt doit, itz states da simple fact that says he wants you n loves n doesnt wana share you with any1..
as long as i know i feel hez duin all this merely to see if u wud bear patience with him n stay wit him forever.. its just a test, imagine you let go of him, he'd be filled with vengeance n maybe he'll haunt u forever n never let u be happy, spreading wot u'v done to all n evn to a guy who m8 lov you n accept u after him..
love can be a blessing, you my dear have turned it into a curse, be patient n let him know that u wud be trustworthy..
wot i wud recommend is leave ur present bc life n fly to him n stay by his side n prove ur love for the two of u m8 later regret the fact that u didnt giv another chance..
wud u hav trusted him da way u expect him to if he had said this to you..
"I cheated on you by kissing a girl I knew, on a few different occasions within a period of 3 months"
once is ok.. but repeatedly duin this????
ur human u made a mistake..
hez human n now hez makin a mistake..
be cool.. Allah knows best!!
Allah bless you sister!!
am sorry if i was harsh, am almost like ur husband n i know wot he wants..
Salam..