Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Growing out of love

Disappearing love, vanishing love

Salamulaikom,

This is a long read, so thank you for your time in advance.

I married my best friend about 10 years back. I'm at a point where too much trust has been broken and would seek your advice on how to go about this.

Ever since the marriage, my wife has had issues in the bedroom. We tried a doctor, but wife did not put more effort to resolve the medical issues. I expressed my needs to her but she wouldn't understand how lonely it made me feel. i would resort to wrongful means of self pleasuring as that was only escape.

Matters got slightly better, to have a baby she put more effort for a bit. After that again the same excuses. I felt lonely and distraught of how my wife who claims to love me so much doesn't desire me.  Her disrespect for me kept increasing by the day specially after the baby. I understood it as fatigue and tried to support as much as I could after coming back from work. I tried to please her by pushing myself more and more, hoping if she were happy, she will understand what respect and intimacy means to me.

But things kept getting worse. Her demands wouldn't go down. I could never have a slightly pleased wife. I warned her that she is pushing me away and she needs to stop doing that or I will be too far gone. She never seemed to have time for me. I realised that whatever I did, it will not change her desire for me and will only temporary change her actions, with this realisation I shutdown, didn't feel angry or happy, just felt empty.

Until recently where matters were escalated and elders got involved and after that she changed her behaviors totally. She is now a new unreal person, but my hurt is too much to trust her at this point. Each time I trusted her to be my partner before, she went around and made matters worse after a few days. I am trying to be neutral and to not think negatively due to our young daughter, but I keep having these painful moments flash before my eyes and I lose all faith in this marriage. The only question in my mind is why now, why after years of begging her and explaining myself of why I need, what I need didn't matter and now when I gave up all hope, she decides to bring this new person?

Is this a justified enough reason to leave? Where trust and love in a marriage are lost?


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11 Responses »

  1. Salaam alaikum. Respect yourself. Leave her and take your kid or get a second wife. You dont need her permission bro. Then you can also act like a new perdon and have some energy and reason to give your new wife the slack she needs.

    • I can't take my kid and separate him from his mother. I feel she needs her more than she needs me. Thank you so much for your advice. I want to leave, just scared to do so as there isn't a reason other than no lodeb

  2. Alaikum Assalam wa rahmetullah
    Praise be to Allaah.

    If a woman refuses her husband’s request to come to bed with no Islamically-sound reason (such as sickness, or his being drunk, for example), what happens is as described below:

    Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses [and does not come], and he spends the night angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4794; the additional phrase quoted in square brackets is from Abu Dawood, al-Sunan, Kitaab al-Nikaah, Bab haqq al-zawj ‘ala’l-mar’ah).

    In the phrase “if a man calls his wife to his bed,” the word “bed” is obviously a metaphor for intercourse. Metaphors are used in the Qur’aan and Sunnah to refer to things about which people usually feel shy. Does this apply only to the nighttime, or does it include daytime too? The answer may be found in a hadeeth narrated by Muslim: “By the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no man who calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, but the One Who is above the heavens [i.e. Allaah] will be angry with her, until he (her husband) is pleased with her.”

    This is from:
    https://islamqa.info/en/2006

    Explain to her that it is from our religion that she has to obey her husband.

    And remeber that Allah says:
    “And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).

    And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine.”

    [al-Talaq 65:2-3]

    And Allah says :
    And whoever turns away from My remembrance - indeed, he will have a depressed life, and We will gather him on the Day of Resurrection blind."
    Quran 20:124

    Nobody wants a depressed life. I hope I could help you
    May Allah help you

    • This message gave so much peace. Thank you. I really don't know how to find a way forward without hurting so many people who will not understand what I'm feeling. When trust is broken, when no friendship remains, then it's too hard to move ahead. Hope the path opens on their own, InshaAllah.

      • hello sir

        I would just say read this amazing book called "the 5 languages of love"
        find her language love. maybe shes not feeling loved because somepeople want their spouse to do a certain thing ( like help in chores to feel loved) , on the other hand the spouse has a different love language.
        just read that once please i dont want you guys to separate

        • I would have never thought I would be in this situation. Thank you for your advice. Over the past years I have tried to push myself to please her, begged, expressed clearly, didn't play mind games but told what's bothering me. I was never a priority
          I warned, till I gave up hope. It was only when elders got involved things took a complete u turn and now I hate this change. Why did the matter have to get this public for any effect when nothing new was explained. I have been hurt and I fear trusting or depending on her anymore. If it wasn't for my daughter, matters would have been different now.

  3. If she has changed completely, I don't think you should leave her. Understandably, you don't trust her and might even feel differently towards her, but it's normal in a marriage to go through changes of emotions...you don't always feel the same way, but that doesn't mean a marriage should end. I say you give her another chance and try your best to open your heart up to the possibility that the changes might actually stick with her this time. If they don't, and she goes back to her old ways, then yeah, ask for a divorce...

    • Hello,

      I'm really trying to give her a chance, as I want our daughter to have a healthy family. But to say she has changed completely won't be true. She consistently has behaviors that remind me as to what was wrong in the first place.

      I am going to try to be patient for a few more months, but honestly, opening my heart to it is so hard and the years of affectionless marriage that I have lived in, now makes me cringe at the sight of affection she has started showing only recently.

  4. Brother in the end its you who has to decide and act accordingly on what you want . Everyone might have different answers to your problem
    You didnt get the connection and love earlier in your marriage the way you wanted it to be and exhausted all your means . Your wife has changed now but its vice versa as you dont feel the love towards her any more .This phenomenon is common in relationship where the level of love grows in and out . 10 years is a long time but you never gave up and now that you see the results you want to give up . Lets say you bring another woman and after 10 years if she starts to behave the same way what will you do ? Struggle again ? Marry again ?
    Thank Allah in abundance for the family he has blessed you with . Trust in broken in horrible ways these days ,your wife did not break your trust , she fell short of it .
    Take a break from everything , focus only the positive and good aspects of your family and keep reminding yourself daily why you married your wife in the first place and the love you felt for her initially . Pray tahajjud to ask for Allahs help . Remember growing back feelings will take time , now that she has changed stop asking why now , say alhumdulilah and start fresh with her . I know its easier said then done but having a family together is a blessing in todays age.
    I hope Allah gives you the strength to keep up with everything .

    • Thank you for the advice and the wishes, really need the strength right now. I feel stuck on cross roads.

      Just to elaborate a little, I'm not giving up when I saw the results. I gave up first, matters got worse, people got involved and then the results which are very inconsistent. So yes, there is a change, but many things still remind me of why I have reached this point in my heart.

      I'm going to give this time. InshaAllah, hope the path forward shows on its own. I have tried istikhara, don't know if it was a result or not, but matters got worse (indicating leave) after that..Been doing istikhara very regularly, but not finding peace or may be i have the answer but not finding the strength to act on it as its such a big thing to do.

      • Salam,

        Your wife may just have a hormone issue, taking estrogen in the past may have resolved it. Her libido may not be as high as yours and this can change throughout the years. Hers may be low before, go up in her 30s and then come back down later. If you have had her on a contraceptive pill then that would be another reason why she may not have been interested.

        People solve this issue in different ways but there are couples that mismatch how often they want it and that mismatch can occur for each person at a different time in their life. In her 40s you may end up not finding her attractive at all. Apparently for men they still find 20 year olds as most attractive while women still find men their age attractive. So in her twenties you would be chasing her and what she felt was what you would feel if she asked you to go at it 20 times a day. She now is on the same level as you and then in 10 years when you don't find her as attractive, she may be asking why you never pursue her and you will be the one pulling away.

        It's all a test, you want to try being best to your partner. Good luck.

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