My husband doesn’t fulfill his responsibilities toward me yet he still spends on his Ex.
Asalam Walikom,
I feel like a horrible person just writing this, but I need real advise. I know i might be criticized, but I am willing to accept this in order to fix things.
I converted to Islam when I was 21. I am 26 and I am married to a 46 yr old man. Mine and his relationship started when I was 17. He was a married man. He would tell me that it was an arranged marriage and he was very unhappy. That he and his wife did not sleep in the same room together. He said he told her to find somebody else also. After I converted to Islam I conceived my first child. He kept asking me to marry him so I said yes. When I asked about his first wife he insisted that they had no relationship at all.
I fell deeply in love with him. When I was 24 I got pregnant with my 2nd child, and he insisted that I have an abortion. I did as he asked, and suffered gravely. I started going through depression. I continued to ask him about his marriage proposal, and he kept putting it aside like it wasn't important. Then one night I called his wife's phone and asked for him as one of his employees and she handed the phone straight to him. I was devastated. I believed him all that time that there was no relationship between them and he was going to marry me.
I fell into deeper depression, and turned suicidal. I tried killing myself one night after feeling Allah would never forgive me for what I have done to her family and made my children without being married.
My daughter was taken from me. He was not supportive and wanted me to just disappear. So I informed his wife of his actions. She divorced him through the legal system. He then came to me and begged for forgiveness and promised me a happy life for my daughter and myself. So I agreed to marry him again, and we did the Nikah.
Since then he has been buying her gifts, a lexus, cruises across Europe, and goes to her home everyday. We conceived another child and while I was pregnant he took her out of the country. Then he told me he asked another woman to marry him in Pakistan. While he was suppose to be there visiting his mother.
We never fight unless it is about his ex. I feel he should leave her alone, but he doesn't. He says that he feels guilty for what he did to her and wants to make her happy. He also told me in order to keep her from marrying another man he would continue to have sex with her.
Just tonight, he told me that it was his money and he will buy her gifts if he wants to. He gives her 100,000.00 a year through the divorce, and still pays all of her bills.
What should I do?. I hate my situation. He is making me very bitter. I'm unhappy to the extreme. I love him, but in order to be with him I have to live with this. We now have 2 small children. A 4yr old and a 3month old. I feel terrible about myself. I no longer want to look in the mirror.
Rida.Rida.
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Salam dear sister rida,
What happened to you happened to a lot of new muslim woman. Because they revert to islam with the best of intentions and a pure heart, because they usually don't have a family behind them to support them and help them look for a suitable spouse, they are often victims of unscrupulous man who abuse their innocence and naiveness in the name of islam.
You are a victim of this man.
As for the sin that you commited, the fact that you feel so much remorse is a sign of your sincere repentance, and Allah forgive all sins no matter how despicable they can be as long as you repent sincerely.
It seems that he married you out of desperation and feeling hopeless . You said that they were divorced legally but I didn't understand if he was still islamicaly married to his first wife or not. If yes , then he is being unfair to you and this is a sin . He has to treat his wives equally
Hope your situation gets better , for you and your children. Before you take any decision, make the prayer of istikhara.
I thought when a woman divorces her husband legally that it was the same as having a kuhla?
Salaam sister Rida.
Please forgive me for my harshness but it was a big mistake marrying this man and the way you approached this marriage was incorrect. The fact that this man was carrying on with you while married to another speaks volumes about his character - and it is no surprise he is cheating. If he cheats on his wife with you chances are if he marries you he'll cheat on you with someone else.
I am not telling you this to put you down or to blame you in anyway but for you to realise the mistake you made. Its important to acknowledge mistakes and learn from them so we can avoid doing them again.
As for your current situation I advise you to leave him and seek divorce. His behaviour is appalling - not only is he buying his ex wife gifts, he is now committing adultery and proposing to others. I know letting go will be difficult because you have grown to feel you need him but in reality you don't. You deserve much better than to be treated in such a way - as do your kids. I know you will feel it is not an option. If you truly feel that way give him one last ultimatum - to leave these bad things and be a proper husband. If he doesnt fulfill it then divorce him.
You say you tried to kill yourself when you found out about his wife. Dear sister no person or thing from this dunya is worth your life. Suicide is a major sin - it is a permanent mistake to a temporary problem. The fact that you would sacrifice your akhirah for this man is concerning. So please leave him and allow yourself to heal and move on. It will take time. Also focus on your relationship with Allah. Spend time praying your salat 5x a day at least do the obligatory ones. Read Qur'an. Do Istighfaars (seeking fortgiveness) and ask Allah swt to make it easy for you.
Also in the meantime focus on your own growth and self development. Why do you feel bad about yourself because this man is playing up? Ultimately the truth is his behaviour has little to do with you - its to do with him. It is not your fault he is cheating - as you have said it seems he was the same way from the beginning. So why does his behaviour make you feel so negatively about yourself. I will hazard a guess. My guess is that you are relying on this guy for your sense of self worth and self esteem. Whereas that is something that needs to come from you.
So work on yourself - learn to love yourself and appreciate yourself. Know yourself - your strengths and weaknesses - accept them and try to improve your weaknesses without letting them get you down. Use your strengths as well. And realsie that we should not rely on anyone at all - no human can bear that responsibility. We only rely on Allah swt. If you can go to Islamic counselling for a while it can really help!
To summarise.
- Seek divorce from this man.
- Nurture your relationship with Allah and make tawbah.
- Work on emotionally and spiritually developing oneself.
In the future:
- Never ever get emotionally or physically involved with a married man again - seek marriage the right way to obtain Baraqah in the marriage.
Be strong sis, you know you deserve better.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
So many horror stories coming out here in the UK concerning mainly Pakistani men and very young White girls how they pray on theses young girls and treat them in a way that know human should treat another, Alhamdulilah you found Islam but this man is a disgrace and in know way represents how a Muslim husband should treat his wife, Dont let this "man" be a role model for your children go to the mosques get on the internet and find a Muslim women's group ,sisters circle and insha'Allah i prey you surround yourself and children with kind loving and respectful Muslims who's aim in life is not to belittle people and disrespect them, Subhan'Allah may Allah keep you and strengthen your iman, Amiin,
He is pakistani. I wish that there would be some way that we could make our relationship better.
He is a good father. Very loving, and caring for the children. He just needs some work as a husband.
MashaAllah.. Totally agree with sisters Sara an Zeena.
Raise your head and look into the mirror and say, "in order to be with him I have to live with this and it is not worth it". Pray to Allah for strength and guidance. Tell him he got to stop and you will not tolerate his sinful actions anymore. You sinned before but will taubat and this will be your answer if he criticizes you for sins you both committed in the past.
Salam
That is what he does. He tells me that it is because of me that he has this situation with his ex. That she is hurt.. That he feels guilty and has no peace in his heart unless he can make it up to her
Asalaam alaikum,
From what I understand, your husband has made it clear that his possesive behavior is so important to him that he will commit adultery with his ex-wife. Essentially he's an animal, then.
While Sara gives the awesome advice, I would like to add one interesting observation: if you divorced him legally, you would probably receive better financial child support and possible alimony without all the ex-wife headaches. It therefore looks like divorce would be the option that could give you a better quality of life. Since your husband has taken the halal and made it oppressive and thus haram, you are well within Islamic rights to seek separation and then divorce. By this, you will have taken the better pursuit of reaching for a halal remedy instead of living in a haram situation.
Im scared. Ive been staying home for 2 years now. He and I are not legally married. We did the Nikah only. So he says that this doesnt mean we are legally tied. Sometimes he tells me that we arent married at all. So if I leave him he might not do anything. I have to ask just to get money to go to the grocery store.
Asalaam alaikum,
Which country are you residing in currently? If you are in the States, then by most definitions, you two are legally married under the understanding of civil law.
We are in the USA
Asalaam alaikum,
I believe by most State laws, you have a recognized civil union. Furthermore, if your nikkah was handled by an alim who is registered by a State, then they would have sent the application for a marriage license issuance. You can check this with your local county, city or municipal district. Nevertheless, you more than likely meet the legal definition of being married for your State. It's fairly easy to check this possibility online.
Alhumdallah
I wish all of you so much. Thank you for answering me.
Sara,
Your right. I feel like I need him. I do not feel like I can give my children a better life than I had without him. I do not have any family. My father pbuh passed when I was pregnant with my first daughter and my mother is an addict.
I'm scared. He has now made it to where I stay at home all of the time. So I do not have any friends.
MashAllah he makes enough money to where I can stay at home.
I asked him to stop. So much that it seems to me like I am nagging. I feel now that every time it upsets me that he goes to her house, I am in the wrong. That I should be more understanding. I found a receipt from Macys for clothing for her that he purchased online and had shipped to her home. I cried. He thinks she is so beautiful that he sits up while I am sleeping and orders things that he thinks will look good on her. I just had a baby. Im not sure if it is normal, but I do feel that his compliments towards me would help me feel better towards my body. It would give me a higher self esteem if he wasnt to do these things. I dont know why... I have never been this way. Its so stupid for me to need his approval or compliments. I really dont like looking at myself right now. I gained 50lbs while pregnant, and everything that I have done, maybe Allah gave me this situation as a punishment.
Asalaam alaikum,
Never think that the sins of your husband is a punishment form Allah (swt). Your husband's actions are his alone and are not any sign or anything form the Heavens. Instead your husband is of a low character and once again, I would encourage you to seek an Islamic separation during which if her refuses to change his ways and cut off contact with his ex, you would divorce him. He's having an emotional and possible physical affair with her and so you need to get yourself out of this situation. Recall the story of Lut's (as) wife in reference to your scenario.
About your self image: You should know that you are a beautiful Muslim woman and that is further emphasized from the fact that you are a mother. Where else was your child going to receive nutrition, if not from your own body while you were pregnant. From a mere clot to a 6-8 pound baby, it was you with the help of Allah (swt) that gave that baby life's sustenance. When your babies were born, it was through your body (breastmilk) that they grew from infancy to be 20lbs. or more. Of course, you needed to gain some weight! You had life's own milk to give! Subhan'allah!
Be dignified by that realization, but also, learn your value to Allah (swt). How many women on this Earth are not Muslim? Yet, you were given the opportunity to bring precious little Muslims into this world. Wow! Indeed, Allah (swt) has favored you. Once you realize how Allah (swt) sees you, then you can start feeling empowered.
Allah (swt) has not put you here to be humiliated, but to be loved, cared for and compassionately treated in marriage. It's about time your husband waked up to this reality if he has any shame in front of Allah (swt). If not, the Islamically you need to start the procedure of seeking proper recourse.
Salaam my sister Rida,
May Allah guide me to give a truthful reply from my experience.
May Allah forgive me if I speak unfairly against you or him, Ameen.
My advice comes just as an opinion feel free to accept or reject it, inshallah .
Love is the emotion that has caused the most trouble to the humans
1. U love him more than he loves u coz if a man loves a woman he tries v hard not to upset her, why do u want to be with a man who cannot, cannot is helpless, CANNOT give u 100% of his love or if u don't mind sharing him ACCEPT 50% of his love, whether the other love is haram or Halal, that's his issue with Allah not yours, u came in unconsciously blinded by love but nevertheless u came between them now ur stuck there.
2. He loves her more than u, maybe out of guilt or regrets the divorce or dint kno wat he had till he lost it, u will never know becoz even if he tells u wat reason only Allah the real reason he is sinning with her, love is a powerful intoxication same as a mental disorder out of control & makes normal ppl act crazy.
3. U r jealous of her because he loves her more but u forget they started before u came into the picture, they have a history u cannot erase with your presence, cries or endless love, they were a couple once, it's best to accept his love for her for your own peace of mind, don't hate her, try to feel what she went thru, grass seems greener on the other Side but not necessarily so, mayb she wants to use him now becoz of wat he put her thru!
4. U cannot look in the mirror becoz u hate what u have become, a hateful envious person that u never were.
5. U have no power to change him or the situation.
6. U r heartbroken yet u do not want to lose him.
7. The more u try the more u will not get your way.
8. The first mistake u made is to think u can make him forget her & u llet him be aware of your jealousy
This man will never change as long as u don't change, he will continue as he wants
The problem with love is when one refuses the other he values her
My advice is if u love him & dont want to leave him then to turn things to your advantage and power, play a game, a trick, (some might tell u its haram, not to, but since this man doesnt know right from wrong then he needs to be taught a lesson) make sure he doesnt kow its a trick,, leave him, get out to a shelter or a place where u can really make a new start, make him pay child support, show him it's over, put him in a position to beg u to come back, GO BACK AFTER HE BEGS U, THAT WAY YR VALUE COMES UP, in his eyes, then take it from there one day at a time, accept him with all his faults and be VERY patient, make Allah your first priority &guide by keep busy learning to memorize the Quran, learning to cook healthy, keep a secret diary to store your uncontrollable emotions, never question him, never spy, accept he is seeing her, let him do as he pleases, coz that's what he will do anyway, eventually he will realize why go anywhere when ur the one whos not annoying or forcing him anything, men are not created as women, thy ilk to b in control & if a woman shows him that she let's him do wat he wants he becomes puzzled at her confidence and trust, basically ad a kid with sweets, if u refuse him he cries but if u give him he gets tired.
Sister Rida, many women go thru so much with men, it's not just Muslims, women in certain cultures have sayings regarding men,
when I was in Arabia I saw the women over beautifying themselves, telling each other, ,"let him see all beauty at home so that he is not tempted outside" .
In Africa, I heard the women say... When a man is with u, he is yours, when he s outside he is not.
In the west most men are polygamous changing partners after week, or mont, or two timing and three timing every opportunity.
Accept what's happening to u as a test n work on your confidence for the sake of your kids, but polygamous relations are what many do or want to do or hope to o or dream to do, inshallah May Allah guide you to do islamically what is better for your deen, ps don't worry abt his sins, if u live a good eg he might one day follow, but that's it when he is ready not when u want him to
Sorry I rushed to advices u without first planning to write in order but inshallah u get some insight in my advice as I have been with someone whs in love with his ex, I couldn't change himthe more I tried the more he went o e the more I became I'll and sick and anti social and controlling & almost lst my mind, until I got Ty ourag to leave him, Allah bless u Amin
Thank you, all of you. I really appreciate your advice.
Khadeeja
Your advice sounds very sincere. I dont mind that you free handed it. Thats what makes it most sincere to me. Im sorry you went through what you did, but very glad you could share it with me. So thank you, deeply
Khadeeja,
Thank you for your advice. I am in a similar situation....and, it is very hurtful. As, it is 6 am and I have not slept all night thinking on these issues. But, the more you try to talk to explain or convince your side or feelings......the more resistance from him. Everything is like a personal stab at the man, when you are merely trying to share how it hurts us or make us feel not important or cherished. When it clearly stated in the Qur'an. Only when it is convenient to some men is it referenced. But, u are completely correct in your advice. It is just so hard for us as women because we "feel" so deeply.
What is wrong with these men.? It feels like us good women are wasting our time on men who promise us one thing but give it to another. I want to leave, but I dont believe that I could make it without him. I dont want my daughters living a hard life. Should I not sacrifice my happiness?
Give yourself the permission to immediately walk a way from anything that gives you bad vice, and trust me the happiness you feel is in proportion to the love you give. If you settle for just anything, you'll never know what you're truly worthily of. Take all the time to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn't take a day, it takes lots of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self. Sometimes life gives us two option: losing yourself or losing someone else. Regardless of the situation, don't lose yourself.