Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I have baby through egg donation and how to get over emotional problems resulting from previous abusive marriage?

verbal abuse, psychological abuse

Verbal abuse has no place in a relationship.

As-sallam-Alikum Brothers & Sisters,

I am writing to seek islamic advise and views on my current situation.

At the age of 22 I had been infertile and diagnosed with early menopause due to having no Egg production in my ovaries.....(ovarian failure).... ( meaning no periods, No eggs and all the symptoms of menopause that i should be getting at  50-60 years of age.)

However openly and honestly when seeking a perspective husband i advised him of this situation and the only option to give birth to a child of my own would be to IVF with egg donation..... He wasn't phased by this and said he would support me which ever route we took....this gave me comfort in seeking him as my life partner....

We are seeking to have this treatment done in the future..... however before we go ahead with it... I want to know if egg donation and IVF or IUI (assisted conception) is Haraam? the egg donor would be my sister or an anonymous donor.

We really want children and i aim to adopt or foster regardless of this (inshahallah) but i have longed for a baby as i am now coming up for 30years old. I have seen many difficulties in the past such as a tormenting ex husband who used to make me feel worthless... for everything and also abuse me... not being able to have my own children was the icing on the cake for him...

I also have issues dealing with the past torture I had put up with... fearing it may strained my new relationship with my husband as old scars seem to surface... my mind keeps referring to what ive been through and always full of negative thoughts towards the future... fears etc

That's why i belive and always have believed honesty is the best policy and laid all my cards on the table before entering into this marriage. I don't want my past marriage demons to surface in my new one... and i hate that i'm letting this happen... it's really difficult to know if people and my husband genuinely mean what they say in love and support... as i have had a very bad experience in the past... My self-esteem took a major battering and it was lies after lies with constant mind games...

How can I overcome this?  My husband is new to being a husband and finds it difficult to understand me when i cry over little things? He provides for me and take me places, but gets frustrated when I get emotional and cry any little thing sets me off... where i can see other women ignoring such trivial things.... but this is also due to my menopausal emotions which i did informed him about... I think he didnt fully grasp what i meant at that time? But again i also think way too much... i know it's not healthy...

I know he loves me and I love him for who he is.... But the crying stresses him out as to why I cry and me too because I don't understand why i get strung up on things that seems trivial to other people?...

I try to ignore small things what go on in daily life, like small quarrels  or family things and don't want to get involved with negative family politics..i try fad into the back groud because i dont want to upset anyone... but in my head i think  trivial things are bigger and far worse filling myself up with negative fears...that they are big up and coming problems? and this stress me out leading me to think and refer to my previous marriage..I hate feeling like this.... i also feel people talk about me and want me to fail?

Luckily I have began to read namaaz daily and read astakfifulla on a tasbee... which makes my heart feel light but these are temporary feelings...and I feel down again???..... Im beginning to think if I wasnt mentally prepared to enter into a marriage or if i continue these emotional cries i will end up pushing my husband away?..... what can I do to make my anxiety disappear and mentally belive in myself and this marriage that this husband will not betray me or have bad intentions?  (inshahallah) and in regards to the egg donation is this right and halaal in Islam?

comments and guidance will be much appreciated

Your sister

- DeenFirst XXX

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9 Responses »

  1. Sister Deen First

    There are differing views on whether or not IVF (in-vitro fertilization) is haraam, and the conditions that must be met to proceed in IVF. There are some unscrupulous doctors and advisors that may try to profit off of your predicament. Please steer clear of these people. Do not allow your desire to find a solution to become a parent take you off your deen. You must stay on the right path.

    From what I have read, because you are unable to produce eggs, this complicates the matter significantly. I do not want to give you bad advice on this, however I think in your situation, it is not allowed. I'm sure others may have additional advice.

    Another option to you mentioned would be to adopt and orphan, which is a great blessing from Allah. In fact, for such a child, you would be offering a great blessing and a chance at a better life. It truly takes a very special husband and wife to adopt an orphan, and to raise it, love it, and provide for it as their own. You might find this is the right path for you. Please seek the guidance of Allah.

    I will offer dua for you and your husband.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

    • Sister,

      To overcome some of the past issues with your ex husband, remember that Allah understands that you are not perfect, and it sounds like your current husband understands this well, too. Crying is difficult for men to address sometimes, because of the different nature of males in general. We want to solve your problems, to take away your pain. In cases where we cannot do so, sometimes we feel inadequate. This could be what is happening to your husband.

      Don't focus on this, focus on your future, on building a firm foundation with your husband, and eventually this past pain will lessen, and become a smaller and smaller issue.

  2. frSalaams,

    I want to tell you about a great analogy I heard to describe what trauma is: Imagine you are at the beach, and you push your hand into the wet sand, leaving a print. Then, you take your hand away, but the print will remain for a while yet. You know you took your hand away, but the sand doesn't. In the sand's "mind" your hand is still there, it is still imprinted with it.

    This is what happens to a part of our mind when we are traumatized. We may be able to recognize that the situation has past, but a part of our psyche thinks we are still going through it. That part is stuck at the traumatizing moment, and is affecting our overall perception of reality as a result.

    From what you've indicated, you have been traumatized by your previous relationship. A part of you is still seeing things through that lens, even though another part of you knows it's not needed. A lot of people who have been through varying types of trauma think it will just stop doing that on its own, and will go away with time. But it doesn't. In order to work through trauma, it often requires the skill of a therapist trained in working with truama victims. Have you tried to get counseling for this before? I strongly suggest, whether you have or haven't, that you look for a trauma specialist that you can start seeing with your husband. That way the herapist can help him understand what's going on with you, and help him identify ways to support you as you work on resolving the trauma for good.

    As far as the egg donations, as far as I know it is haraam to carry a child with another person's biology in you- whether the donated cells were from a man or woman. If you had your own eggs, and had IVF with your eggs and your husband's sperm, that would be fine. But if your eggs are nonexistent or too difficult to harvest for IVF, then the only option you're left with is adoption/fostering. Quite honestly sister, that's not really such a bad thing. Although every mother will remember being pregnant and the delivery of her child, what is much more memorable is the raising of that child and spending countless special moments with it. You will still have access to all those blessings, and be making a huge difference in the life of a disadvantaged child, if you go forward with that.

    -Amy Editor

  3. Hello,

    I am extremely sorry to hear about your predicament. However, I would like to say that you have given up hope on Allah. When a Doctor says, " You cannot be mother". Then, that is a lie. Here is my justification:

    Rachel, wife of Prophet Yaqoob ( Jacob) was also unable to have kids until Allah opened her womb and She gave birth to Prophet Joseph and Prophet Benjamin.

    Prophet Abraham was 100 years old and his Wife Sarah was no less than 90 years old when Allah blessed them with Prophet Isaac.

    Last but not the least , when Allah can make Virgin Mary Pregnant with Jesus when no man has touched her then you should not despair of the mercy of Allah.

    Below are the various 'Dua's' from the Quran which can help you return to fertility Insha Allah :

    "O my Lord! Grant unto me from Thee a progeny that is pure: for thou art He that heareth" ( Surah Al Imran, 3:38)

    "O my Lord! leave me not without offspring, Thou art the best of Inheritors" (Surah Al Anbiya, 21:89)

    --- This above duas was recited by Zakariya and He was blessed with John(Yahya) the Baptist.

    " O my Lord grant me a righteous" (Surah Al Saffat , 37:100)

    The above dua was recited by Prophet Ibrahim. After which, Allah blessed him with Isaac. I would request you recite the above 3 duas in Arabic everyday umpteen times and with full heart. Insha Allah, your barren womb will turn fertile again.

    Don't be disappointed if it takes its due time or even if it doesn't because:

    He Knows : no date fruit comes out of its sheath, nor does a female conceive(within her womb) nor bring forth (Young), but by his knowledge ( Surah Ha Mim, 41:47 )

    He(Allah) created what He wills. he bestows (children) male or female according to his Will (and Plan) ( Surah Al Shura, ( Surah Al Shura 42:49)

    Another thing that Prophet Dawood (David) used to do is fasting when he was not able to have children. I would strongly recommend you to fast for 40 days and pray to Allah for a miracle.

    I shall supplicate to Allah that he bestows his grace upon you and fulfills your dream of becoming a Mother.

    • Sister Farrukh, these were miracles of Allah bestowed on His holy Prophets. They were meant as examples of Allah's power and might. In the ordinary course of things, miracles do not happen. Virgins do not get pregnant spontaneously and 90 year old women do not get pregnant.

      The Prophet Mohammed SAW was the last Prophet. There are no miracles after him.

      Allah SWT has created us so that a fetus develops as a result of the fertilization of an egg by a sperm. The girl who wrote in -- she has gone through menopause. Therefore, she does not have any eggs. No dua is going to change that. The only way a menopausal woman can have a baby is through egg donation.

      Please don't give her false hope. it is cruel (although your intentions were honest and pure).

      • Salaams,

        I just want to respond to something you said, if I may.

        You said, "There are no miracles after him" (in reference to Prophet Muhammad SAWS). I understand that you meant there are not as many large scale miracles like the ones being referenced here, but that does not mean there are no miracles at all. Indeed, all kinds of miracles happen every day. The fact of us even being alive is only one of them. And yes, there are times when couples who have been deemed "hopelessly infertile" do conceive children unexpectedly. That is truly a miracle, and it does happen. I personally knew a couple where the man had testicular cancer and after his radiation treatment he was "shooting blanks", and was told he would never produce viable sperm again. On top of that, his wife struggled with PCOS. They weren't even trying to anymore, and they got pregnant and had a child. So the encouragement to this sister is not entirely misplaced. None of us know that some of her follicles may still remain while her body has been going through this condition much earlier than it should have.

        -Amy Editor

        • Yes but women with PCOS still have eggs.

          Women in full fledged menopause do not have any eggs left. Some women just starting menopause may on occasion have a period and/or ovulate, but if you've been menopausal for many years -- which appears to be the case with this girl -- ovulation does not occur.

          • Salaams,

            I really don't see much difference between a man with no sperm and a woman with no eggs. None is none either way.

            But since this girl started having early menopause at age 22, it's hard to tell how many eggs have been wiped out so far. Maybe some remain, maybe not. Of course, this is all assuming the doctors are correct in their diagnosis. They aren't infallible, and if the only symptom she is having is anovulation there may be another cause.

            If the diagnosis is confirmed beyond a shadow of doubt, and they have surgically confirmed that she no longer has any follicles left in her ovaries at all, then you would be correct. I just happen to be a little skeptical because unfortunately there are a lot of gynecologists who are quick to diagnose infertility problems based on symptoms only without doing a full battery of tests to truly determine the cause for them.


  4. thre is a fatwa related to egg donation

    sister, i know how hard it must be for u and for ur husband too seeing u distress, but plz dont think negatively about urself.

    plz go to ur GP and speak to them about ur emotional stress and how its a problem for u now. and get closer to Allaah, learn more about islam, recite the quran engage urself in zikr, it gives so much peace to the mind. and be careful with doing tasbeh, some of them are just innovated i think, ofcourse not all, just ensure that its from the quran and sunnah.

    i know depression can be very hard to fight off, but be patient and do ur best to be the bestest wife and muslim u can be and in sha Allaah with time u will forget the past. do scars give pain once healed? no sister, so even if the memories are there but they wont hurt u later on even when u have a flashback of it, in sha Allaah.

    be grateful for every little thing u have now, a loving husband, appreciate everything he does for u, keep them in mind, and overlook his shortcomings.

    i know ur in a difficult position, but be strong, u do seem like a strong woman, but u just need to start feeling good about urself now too. hope everything goes well for u sis, try not to stress too much. take care sis

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