Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Engaged to another woman in his home country – what can I do?

pain healing

Dear All,

I know I should give up. I know I should leave him. He is from Iraq, I am from india. I converted to Islam during the 4 years were together. 2 of these four years he was unfaithful to me and the remaining 2 we stayed together for 1 year and 1 year was a long distance. We had broken up after 2 years of being together in a relationship where he was with many other girls. But after 1 month he came back apologized and proposed to me with a ring and even met my mother to ask my hand. We were so happy after that. Even in the initial 2 years we were so happy. I was madly in love with him. Everybody tells me he was not but I know he was in love with me too. Why would he come back otherwise?

My mother was against our relationship as he was a muslim and she knew that he cheated on me. Still I fought with her for him and was waiting for him. When he went back to Iraq he told me he had explained to his parents that we are engaged and they have accepted. After 8 Months he broke up with me and said that he told his parents that he wanted to marry now and they said they were thinking he was only kidding earlier and the relationship won't last long and they could never allow him to marry me. We broke up again for 2 weeks but he came back saying he can never forget me and can never live without me and would even leave his family for me.

Before breakup I was going to go to Iraq with my mother. But after breakup I told him you have to prove to me that you won't leave me anytime you want so you have to come here and take me after marriage with you. Also I was not able to get Visa to Iraq on my own.

He promised he would come when he would have holidays from work. However he became different. We talked less but he always said he loved me and wants to marry me. But he never used to tell me what his plan was and how was  he going to come and when was he coming.

Then in June again Iraq war has started. 1 week after war he didnt pick my calls just once picked and said he doesnt want to talk to me and our relationship is useless and nobody will accept me and he is unable to come to India. I told him ok I will come there somehow and he said it's useless. 3 days later he put on facebook that hes engaged to some girl who I knew was their family friend's daughter. I called him to ask for explanation.

He said he may only live for 20-30 more years because Iraq is dangerous place and he wanted his parents to see his family life. He said that his parents threateneed to disown him and his mom cried and so he said yes. Now he's engaged and he told me that he will always love me. He will maybe never be happy with this girl as she is not his type. I told him I will come to Iraq in someway and I want to be a part of his life. He said he will take house on rent for me and kill anybody if they say bad things about me even his wife.

If I go there it means I will lose my mom. My mom is already living alone and just on the day that I decided I will be with him she had a dream and called me at 3 am in morning saying don't destroy your life please.

I don't think he will be able to keep his promise of protecting me if I go there. But the pain is too much and I cannot let him go. I want him in my life. I want to talk to him everyday. I want to share my life with him. I don't want anybody else to take his place. I don't want anybody to feel how he felt me. I want to be his forever. I don't want to marry anyone else. But if I will be alone I know he will keep calling me. Because he is cheater so he will cheat on his wife also. I don't want to be his mistress. I don't know if I can be a second wife. I don't know anything. I don't know anything. He says he doesn't even talk to her. But he cannot break the engagment as it is not coming in his heart

 Please help. Please reply


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7 Responses »

  1. Why do you want to marry a man who cheated on you and will continue to cheat after marriage. He just played games with you. He just used you for sex.

    Just listen to your mom.

  2. sugandh,

    The reality is, for all that you feel for this man...he does not feel the same for you. If he did, he would stop making one excuse after another not to be with you. Listen to your mother. Realize that you deserve a man who will love you, who won't sleep with other women and who will give you not a part of his heart, but his whole heart. This man is not worthy of you or the woman he intends to marry. Stop giving him the time of day and move on. The sooner you do, the better. Never contemplate for a moment losing your mother for any man. No one will ever have your back like she will...ever.


  3. Listen to your mum no man is worth losing a family.
    This guy is not worth it he don't deserve you.
    Why be with someone who cheated on you and has no respect whats so ever.
    This guy don't even love you he is just using you!

  4. You know the answer and you refuse to accept it. There is no fairy tale in marriage, all this love story is not real but a drama. Real life and marriage is about respect, faithful and trust. It is not about madly in love. You are still young, you will find a better man than this. You know he is unfaithful, you know he has no quality of being a good husband. Ask yourself what does he have that you should want him? A smooth talker? A handsome man? Be real, face the reality, your family loves you and is the most important people in your life. Listen to your mom and your family. You are so much better off without him.

    He is only but a playboy and he is playing you. He may have got what he wants - physical or financial- and dump you. Imagine the suffering if see him fooling around or cheating you again and this time is after marriage. Is it worth it? Cut the drama and love story ;heal fast and move on.

  5. But if I will be alone I know he will keep calling me. Because he is cheater so he will cheat on his wife also. I don't want to be his mistress. I don't know if I can be a second wife.

    Do you want to be married to a cheater, and then make another post (the next time) with the title ''My husband is cheating on me. Please help!''?

    You don't want to be his mistress, but do you want another woman to be his mistress, while you are married to him?

    By the way, there are many clues in your post that indicate that the guy does not love you (despite the way you thought he felt for you), and that he cannot protect you. So be careful and reflect on what your mother told you ''don't destroy your life please''.

  6. Every disaster brings a glorious opportunity.

    Your opportunity has came sister! as you mentioned that you became Muslim!

    And your disaster was that man you loved! So it's better for everyone to forget the past catastrophe of life because the light and brightness are ahead! believe me when I say!!!

    I would recommend you to stick to be a Muslim, read Quran translations, study further, engage in jobs, explore yourself. Be strong!

    And seek for a righteous man, who is Muslim (not so called Muslims) who believe in Oneness (Monotheism), observe prayers and other rituals Allah commands in Quran.

  7. Assalam alaikum,

    Sister, be strong. You already know what the right thing is--which is to cut him off completely from you life and recognize Allah swt as the ultimate source of happiness. Move on, all the signs are there, it isn't worth it to ignore them.

    No one should take his place--especially since he is a cheater.

    May Allah grant you a pious husband soon and heal your emotional wounds. Ameen.

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