Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Fed up with being married

The Successful Marriage

The Successful Marriage

assalamualaikum,

i hope i get an answer to my problems insh allah.

im a recenttly married muslim girl..we have never had sex till now.. i used to be very shy and afraid of the pain which made me dislike it. I used to be very upset cus thats the only thing he wants to do. we hardly communicated and slowly i started disliking the whole process.. we had many fights and arguments.. cus i used to be very open and told him stuffs i shouldnt have.. .i do regret it..

i felt he didnt love me and this is what he wanted.. so whenever we fought i brought the sex thing.. to make it short... we had so many fights.. we hardly had good times.. but i loved him..

one day i found out he had been drinking alcohol when he was abroad... i felt so bad... i couldnt sleep the whole day.. i cried myself to sleep.. i warned him i would go back to my home.

he begged and said he wouldnt ever drink..i forgave him ..i believd him...when i went for my sisters marriage..when i returned i found out he had been drinking again...again i cried and cried...

i cant stand all this haraam stuff..i come from a very religious background...i pray all the five salah..fast..pay zakat...why me?...i didnt say anything that time...i left it...then we had a big fight..he abused me..i locked him out..he hit me...my life was shattered..even now when i think of it..my eys are filled with tears..

i wanted divorce that very minute..i was crushed..cus even my own dad has never slapped me..and hitting ur own wife is someting that's very  bad ..i used to lock the door even before cus he used to come home at 2,3,4 in the night..and i used to cry all night...cus he was never really a companion to me...we lived life like room mates..except in the night..

parents got involved..i realized my mistakes and i sincerely want to change..but he went and told his parents that we haven't had sex..

- aisha123


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40 Responses »

  1. I am going though this same ordeal. The only difference is my husband left me within four months of our marriage that too with breaks in between my stay with him.From last 8 mnths we r seprated and there is no hope of reconciliation. I even consulted sex therapist and psychiatrist. They reccomended treatment which req alot of patience and efforts on both the sides.For me it was too difficult to practice still i went ahead.Unfortunately my husband never understood nor supported me with it.And decided to call it off within a mnth of treament.I know the amount of pain suffering and the emotional trauma a girl.goes through.
    In ur case u should have consulted a professional before hand and tried bringing forth the problem to ur husband.With right support and patience you can over come it.Though nt easy but treatable.
    A similar sis in distress.

  2. Some of the comments I have read are absurd. If a woman does not want sex that is fine, a man should never force a woman nor guilt her into sex. Her husband can relieve himself in other ways, plus I bet he doesn't care about her sexual pleasure. Her husband is scum, he isn't a man he is scum. She should runaway as soon as he didn't care about her feelings. Both husband and wife should listen to each other and comprise. The man isn't more superior than a woman, both genders are equal. Religion shouldn't play a part in who is the dominant gender. A woman gives a man a baby and some men cheat and give hard times to a woman, that is totally unfair. Also don't forget women going through mensturation, hormonal changes, menopause (eventually), emotional changes. You men needs to respect your wife and treat her like a queen. If you do that your wife will treat you like a king. I hate all this sexism and double standards.

  3. This condition is vaginismus.This is waht I am suffering from.My situation is almost d same accept the drinking and the hitting part.One thing that you need to do is got to a female sexologist or psychiatrist.She will help with the solution for this problem.My situation is we have allready consulted a psychiatrist for this and she has given a treatment plan.The methods are also available online.But my husband was completely non co operative in completing the process as it was very uncomfortable for me and I backed up some time.It has completely ruined my relationship.Similarly like you we had many arguments and fighta.Finally he called up my family and asked them to take me away unless m cured or end it up.During our Four months of marriage that we seeked professional help and within 2 weeks my husband gave up on d process which requires his help and patience and love.According to him I have no issues and I am wasting time with such excuses.But if you have a co-operative husband it can get cured.Try communicating kindly with ur husband which I failed to did.Along with professional help.
    Also I would like to know what is d islamic ruling for a wife with vaginismus and her Husbands role in it.Any one plz help me with the answer in support of islamic perspective.I would apprecate if someone can get the answer from and aalim or mufti who first clearly understand d disease and then Give unbiased answer in accordance with sharia.Kindly help

  4. You said he drink alcohol and comes late at night 2,3 or 4 am and you often cry all night. Being a man I can clearly say that you are responsible for all the pain you and your husband is going through. What is the charm of coming early in the evening when you can't provide any love and affection. He is sexually frustrated, he might be trying to overcome pain through other ways alcohol, call girls etc. If you really loved him you must had provided him with all his needs even if you disliked. He works, earns rizq and provide you with all the necessities and you can't fullfill any of his needs. Beware that being a wife you might be held resposible in hereafter and bear all his sins that originated through his frustration. If you can't provide any intimacy then allow him second marriage or search for a women for him legally. And what is the benefit of offering all 5 prayers when the people living with you are hurt and your husband is unpleased with you. If you were on the right track offering 5 ,times prayers would have healed your heart but it never happened. The God may not pleaded as your husband is not pleased with you. I advise you to be kind and loving towards your husband and do not deny any intimacy. Give him as much love as you can. Life is test . We are often compelled to do something that we dont want to. Remember that Satisfacion of the heart lies in total submission. Hope your marriage life become happier.

  5. Honestly, I don't blame this poor girl about having pain and fear about sex!!! Because it is the must painful think in the world and some girls get really scare of that, they will have that fee for a while and if her husband was nice enough she would have got over that fear but this husband doesn't deserve this girl at all. Even though it is a men right web he want it you give it because like they say mens are mens when they want it they want it. I really hope u get over this fear because the more ur scare the more it will get worse.

    • Most painful thing in the world? Hardly. Sex is quite pleasurable. That's why everyone wants it and thinks about it. Allah SWT in His wisdom has limited it to husband and wife. It is certainly not something to fear.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Yes, for a virgin girl/woman sex CAN be VERY scary and painful. Even for an experienced woman, it can be painful under several circumstances. Added to that, some men can be rough and clumsy making the situation worse.

        Men should understand female bodies and psychology. If you were the one being penetrated you might be a little more shy. Additionally, males are more exposed to sexual information than females which adds to the fear factor for inexperienced females.

        • khadi, I think wael completely missed the point that Muslim girl tried to make.

          i have a friend who is mature and did not actually know what sex involved , i mean she didnt even know what exactly penetrative sex involved, she asked me after getting married.

          another friend who is also a mature women used to make her husband promise on Quran that he will not penetrate it.

          there is a scare out there about it being 'the most painful thing in the world' and not having an understanding husband does not make these fear go away, infact any kind of enforcement in this situation will lead to life long association of pain with sex.

  6. The other important factor that has largely been ignored is this: alcoholism will often breed violence. It is well known that violence in domestic situations is more prevalent where alcohol is involved.

    This sounds lke an innocent young girl; like most Muslim girls, she has probably led a very sheltered life with little interaction with the opposite sex, other than her uncles. But she may have been thrown into a lion's den.

    Her husband is not just frustrated. The combination of alcohol and domestic abuse can be lethal. I think it is possible that the violence or propensity for violence is being underestimated here -- if he is violent AND drinking, then she is truly in danger of being harmed.

    Her becoming more sexually available to him is not going to change this disturbing aspect of his personality. Sex is not a cure for violence nor for alcoholism.

    Hopefully, she has remained safe. I'm sorry if I have repeated others' comments, I did not read through each one.

  7. Assalamalaikum,

    subhanAllah I am shocked too at some of the tones I hear on this page.Firstly, we shouldn't blame anyone here rather help them find a solution to their problems.This is what this platform is meant for.

    Secondly, Drinking/abuse are serious issues and there's strong evidence that they are both addictive and it might not be very easy for the husband to get rid of those habits.He will definitely need counseling, maybe anger management counseling in addition to marital/Islamic marital counseling, alcohol addiction counseling too assuming he's addicted to it.Even if he drinks occasionally or socially,its not acceptable for a Muslim to even go anywhere near alcohol.He needs somebody to make him understand this.Also, I'm assuming since he's into drinking, he is not a practicing Muslim or he is not very well versed into matters of Islam such as the haram and the halal.He needs to take Islam 101 classes somewhere.If he's willing, enroll him in Islamic classes with Sh Yasir Qadhi/ online lectures on you tube.

    Finally, I'd like to add my story to this.I was a young bride 5 years back and I had heard scary stories of intercourse and I shied away from my husband for a long time.Initially, he was very understanding and never forced me.But gradually he started getting frustrated.But alhamdulillah mashallah, he was patient with me and dealt in a very mature manner.He took me to a gynecologist who did a physical examination and said I was perfectly healthy.I did not suffer from vaginasmus like I thought I did.She asked me how long I was married for.I said 6 months.She was shocked and she said your husband's a very patient man.Its all in you head.My husband took me on vacations to poconos, las vegas, upstate NY and alhamdulillah mashallah was so kind and tender and gentle with me alhamdulillah mashallah we're very happy now.It took us a long time.But he helped me in this journey.We now have a healthy 19mo and I had a completely unmedicated natural birth too.Now when I look back at those girly fears of mine, I can only laugh at how naive I was.On a serious note, I will strongly ask all married women please do not share any sex stories with your unmarried friends.Seriously, the first time is not all that bad and it gets better every time to a point that you as a woman will desire sex more or as often as your husband.Scaring your friends will just damage them psychologically like it did to me.

    alhamdulillah I"m blessed with a wonderful hubby who was very patient and helped me on this journey.One important reminder for the men is that please do not play rough with women.Women are emotional beings and a fair amount of foreplay, gentle kissing, caressing is needed before the actual act.I promise it will be a more fulfilling act for you and your wife and a healthy, fulfilling marriage inshallah.
    Here's a link to an eye opening talk by sh. yasir qadhi.may Allah SWT bless him and all of our scholars.Their guidance and wisdom is essential for us to live happy, meaningful lives.

    • I learnt a lot from your post and happy to hear about ur successful marriage--a nice thing to read on this site! mashaAllah.

      I think there is a lot to learn from the example of the Prophet's marriage--I understand men can use hadith and expect their wife to be intimate--but at the same time, it should be noted that Hazrat Muhammad (pbuh) waited for Hazrat Ayesha to mature before consummating his marriage with her even though she was his legal wife.

      It is wonderful to hear of an example of a man in this time who is patient and affectionate - instead of turning to alcohol and drugs - and even though it is his right, goes the extra mile to make a strong bond with his wife. MashaAllah.

  8. Sorry, I'm with Amy on this one, some seriously bizarre responses...the guy is behaving like a drunkard because he isn't getting it??

    Total disgrace, I am a guy and yes we need to get some, yes, it is a physical need which makes you really cranky if you don't get it but no excuse for throwing your toys out of the pram and using violence

    To those quoting Hadith, yes absolutely, but that is the letter of the law and it is a pretty sad state of affairs if husband/wife are having to quote Hadith at each other to get heir rights

    Try talking to her, try being gentle with her, try foreplay etc etc and lovingly help her get over her prob, rather than bashing her as soon as you don't get what you want

    • Firstly. I think aisha123 needs to clarify the ambiguity in her statement so that we understand whether or not intercourse has "actually taken place" since the onset of her marriage. If so, dyspareunia (painful intercourse) is physical problem (there may even be an anatomical component) and the assessment by a gynaecologist will assist greatly in this regard together with input from a psychologist who can function as a counsellor to both of them and encourage discussion between them regarding the details of their intimacy, so that they could reach a point of mutual readiness to recommence their sexual relationship with a better understanding and compassion to each other's needs and fears through this open communication, which may make the overall experience this time round a lot better...
      Beyond that - I'm in total agreement with Nibin, Amy and Wael...these are sensible and practical responses from each of them, which are what is needed in this situation - this is not about "obedience" when you are causing your wife "physical pain" through your advances and hence she is reluctant and furthermore- Never, under any circumstances, no matter how "frustrated you are", do you have the right to physically "beat" your wife, she was not referring to him striking her palm with a blade of grass as a form of reprimanding, nor a silk-handkerchief- she was referring to him dealing physical blows towards her body - And no man may cross that line!
      Alcoholicism is not simply a mindset that may be easily overcome - it is as severe as drug-addiction and must be treated with the same level of seriousness. He needs professional help, he needs to be amenable to the process of joining an organisation which can help him, he needs to attend regularly and will require the full support of his spouse in this endevour, even if it means she accompanies him for every session. A healthy sexual relationship will not cure an alcohol-addiction.

      That said - sister aisha123, you cannot play the vicitm in this problem either - your fault is that you have not taken responsibility for your part in this - you realise there is a problem and you know well the requirements within a marriage as a wife - yet you have not sought any help, medical or otherwise to remedy the issue. What were you expecting? A celebate marriage?? Be realistic and be pro-active, make those appointments at your nearest medical centre - if you don't know where to start or whom to approach - get advice from a General practitioner in your area who can give you referral letters and contact details to specialists who are highly recommended in the fields you require assistance in.
      And make sure that once these appointments are set - that your husband is made aware of your intentions, he may be reluctant at first, but be expectant of this so that it does not result in another argument and does not put you off the whole process entirely.

      Also - you mentioned that you don't "talk" to each other - perhaps you should attempt finding out what interests him (eg. sports, outdoor activities, etc.) and open yourself up to these events and attend with him - become his closest friend first, then introduce activities you love that he could join you in - like a team building exercise. Start to know each other from the ground up and you may be amazed at the longterm results.

      Be strong and may the Almighty guide you both and strengthen your bond such that you may become a blessing and comfort to each other, Insha-Allah.

  9. I could be wrong. I re-read the post. I feel like this married woman is like a like a little girl-and needs a real mature man to command and take control of this situation with reassuring her--not a boy who isn't ready for marriage. It seems there were attempts at sexual intimacy and they were not very enjoyable for her, though i could be reading into this. I do not think one can imagine what it is like for women, unless you are one. Islam says women are different, and yet it seems to be implied that this girl should just suck it up, stop being childish and put her feelings aside and submit to her husband however he treats her. And it seems that she shouldn't be treated like a queen until she deserves it--i feel like some of the posts suggested that. When two ppl get married, they need to talk and some more than others--Some ppl and some girls might be more sensitive and need more reassurance. This marriage is in its early stages and this man, the protector and maintainer of his wife, needs to stay home, away from drinking, and not use abuse, but words.

    I think it is great to mention Hadith as to how to treat your wives and what is expected of them, but I think we forget how the Prophet (SAWS) treated his wives. It doesn't sound to me like this man has much compassion (and she even says he doesn't) towards her and it makes it difficult for her to show him love. There are posts on here where women talk about getting married and then they are divorced by their husbands after a year and then it is mentioned that they were used for sex--how does a woman know in the early stages of marriage that she isn't being used for that? How is a man supposed to Islamically reassure her and make her feel comfortable?

    It is difficult to determine exactly if this husband is true towards her in terms of intimicacy I find it difficult to side with a man who comes home at 2 or 3 am when he could be investing THAT time with his wife, wooing her, being affectionate, winning her over. If she is his, shouldn't this marriage be his first priority.

    Yet, despite her bad experice, the poster writes that she loves him! I would suggest to sister Ayesha, try to talk to your husband and get counselling--hopefully he will be open to listen to you and hopefully you will understand his side too. May Allah make it easier for you--especially at time in your marriage that is supposed to be the best. InshAAllah.

  10. I need to clarify one point. Having a daleel is different from using it. We have ahaadeeth, but they should be used when they are applicable and not when we want to use them.

    Someone said that we should not mention the ahadeeth about the curse of angels here, but the pleasure. I haven't used it because it is not applicalble here.

    There is a diffrence between "pain" and "the fear of pain" and the hadith about the curse of angels is very much applicable here.

    Instead of ascertaining who is stronger, we should consider the final outcome of "is Allah Pleased?"

    Daleel is not used to make our position strong, but to guide us to what is correct.

    As I have said above, the husband's actions are not justified. One more point is that he chose to drink and be angry, as a result of her denial (again, I do not justify his actions - I have clarified that in my first comment and do not need to repeat).

    The entire debate is due to the misunderstanding about pain and the fear, which is a phychological problem. And I have stated earlier that it can be solved only through discussion.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • In this case, "fear of pain" causes the pain. It causes the pubococcygeus muscles (PB mucles) to spasm in order to protect herself from potential and impending pain and rather than protecting her from pain, it causes pain.

      It is a very real and common condition. It can also be overcome if both partners are committed to seeking help and therapy and in pursuing mutually pleasurable intercourse.

      • Umm Ibraheem,

        Show us medical evidence for your claims.On the contrary,I have read that it helps in orgasm.

        The Pubococcygeus muscle controls urine flow and contracts during orgasm. It also aids in childbirth as well as core stability.[1]

        Source.

        • You are correct - partially. It does provide core stability and it does contract during orgasm, but it may also contract to prevent intercourse.

          MAYO CLINIC: "Vaginismus. Involuntary spasms of the muscles of the vaginal wall (vaginismus) can make attempts at penetration very painful.

          http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/painful-intercourse/DS01044/DSECTION=causes

          Please refer also to "Diagnostic evaluation of the pelvic floor" published in THE LANCET.

          Let me know if that suffices. But don't take my word for it, do the research yourself. Perhaps the moderators/editors of this website could bring in a gynaecologist to answer further questions. After all, we are exhorted to "ask those of knowledge if you do not know".

          • Something else to consider is that it is not only painful for the wife, but the contracted muscles may make penetration extremely painful for the husband as well. Some men have said that it is like hitting a brick wall.

          • Actually,it is really hard to assume that the OP is suffering from vaginismus as there is no evidence that suggest that they even tried to have intercourse.

            The possibility of vaginismus could only be considered if the OP directly or indirectly made it clear that she was feeling pain during the sexual act itself.

            In my opinion,I see this problem as psychological one.

  11. I completely agree with the above post where we need to stop telling our daughters and other young women that it is painful, supposed to be painful and it is mainly for the men. I have heard this over and over. i have also heard that I am not to enjoy it that much but it is a husbands right that must be fulfilled and definitely the first times will be extremely painful. I find all of this to be the root cause of a major underlying issue our young women are facing. We hear its painful and we expect it to be painful so we are so tense and conditioned in our minds that this will in no way be a pleasure for us because our minds have already been made up about it. Sure the first time or two will be a little painful, but not to the point where a woman cannot stand it or it doesn't get more tolerable and better. I have been there and many women have and I truly believe the pain part is exxagerated so much. I am not saying there is absolutely no pain, just saying that we are not talking about giving childbirth naturally here, we're talking more about something much different that can eventually become very pleasurable once a trust and bond and mutual agreement are set in place. Tere is no sexual education or a serious lack of it in most of our cultures. This aids in the ignorance that floats around. The fear that is spread actually makes it worse and in a lot of cases causes a real medical issue to arise. Something that can be avoided in a lot of the cases such as this. Mothers need to step up to the plate and talk to their daughters. Explain things to them and stop being afraid to speak openly about a natural part of married life. Fathers need to step up to the plate and speak to their sons about how to treat women and how to go about the first few times so that the women they marry can learn to trust them and relax. If the men are pouncing on thier new wives with force and ignorance and just plain lust then it hinders the intimacy between them. There is no getting comfortable, relaxing, bonding, learning to trust and all the things that are needed when we are talking about intimacy between a husband and wife. Women expect the men to take the lead and this may be an unfair burden on our young me. Who are just as equally ignorant when it comes to down to it, but it is a fact and I think the more we reach out and teach the young men and women in our lives and educate them about their bodies and things that are natural and not taboo then we will see a lot less of these cases. I find this situation the OP is in to be so sad because there are so many issues that need to be addressed and we can't rightlfully lay blame here or there without first adressing what each has done and not done. But I do believe there is a lot of great advie and more than one thing happening here and the most prevalent thing is the intimacy issue. It is so sad and I wish that with this younger generation of our ummah that things will change and culture will be replaced with education when it comes to sex education and learning about our bodies and its workings and what takes place and how it takes place between a husband and wife using examples that we have been so blessed to be given. That is the wonderful thing about Islam, there is a solution ad cure and so much to be learned about any and everything that we may face in this life. Men are instructed and taught how to be and act, how to live and so are women...now if we can just gett the older generation( and the new ones who are entangled in cultural traditions) to stop oppressing our youth by giving them false information or withholding important information from them out of some taboo way of thinking on certain subjects we can not only empower our youth, but the entire ummah. A strong marriage and family built on education and Islam will benefit our Ummah in so many ways...and then it will trickle down and continue on. Lets educate our women and me. Please.

    May Allah bless the poster of this question and guide both the husband and wife to the straight path and strengthen their marriage, help them overcome their current difficulties. Ameen

    Also, before I go I would also like to speak about the elephant in the room that is constantly trying to be hid...sexual abuse. A lot of cultures view this as shame on a family and will not even bring up the subject leaving so many of our ummah dealing with unimaginable pain and confusion that will ultimately lead to problems in a marriage. We need to step up to the plate and try to prevent it and when we can't prevent it when it's already happened, make sure that our sons and daughters get the ell they need to deal with this properly and heal so that they may go on to be successful in so many areas of life. Once they learn how to deal with this wrong that was done to them and they're supported and loved by family instead of feeling blame or confused and not knowing how to go about life and relationships, they will be able to function properly. We seriously need to reach out to our youth and adult as, anyone, with a helping hand instead of a lashing tongue.

  12. i totally agree.

    please stop telling young girls about the pain of penetration and please stop quoting that hadith about the angel's curse. Instead, start finding out more about the condition yourselves and start telling young men the hadith about "messengers" before intercourse - of kind words and kisses and how to make intercourse mutually pleasurable.

  13. Asalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah

    To the sister: sweet, I hope you are well and I pray for you, hang in there! What you describe with regards to intercourse is not that uncommon at all, except that few people speak about it. There is a condition called vaginismus (Google it), that causes the vaginal muscles to contract in anticipation of fear, in much the same way as your eyelids will close in anticipation of something harmful to protect your eyes. It is INVOLUNTARY. It takes place beyond the control of the person - and unfortunately, instead of preventing pain, it may cause pain. Some couples describe it as hitting a brick wall at when they attempt intercourse.

    You will need to see a doctor and possibly a gynaecologist to eliminate any potential physical causes such as a yeast infection. If there is no physical basis for the condition, then it could be that you have an over-developed pain phobia that may be causing the problem. From your letter, it appears that this is the case and that you were possibly socialised to view sex as painful or harmful or dirty. If you are not happy with your doctor's diagnosis, seek a second opinion. Empower yourself by learning as much as you can about the subject.

    The good news is that vaginismus is treatable with a high recovery rate. You owe it to yourself first to overcome this condition so that no matter what happens with your husband, you know that you are fine and healthy. I repeat: it is far more common than we may assume and in particular with reference to Muslims, it may have to do with the way girls are socialised to see it as painful.

    Next issue, your husband. With his drinking, you have every recourse to want to leave him, but the question that only you can ask is that do you have any reason to stay? With Allah's help, it is possible to overcome all obstacles, but it he worth it? Is he worth you?

    If he is, then together you can overcome vaginismus and achieve and enjoy mutually pleasurable intercourse. If he is not, then he may be exacerbating the problem and your body's involuntary reaction may be a clue to your own emotions and how you really feel about him, that you need to protect yourself against him. This is not always the case with vaginismus, but it has to be investigated.

    Finally to everyone who has an opinion on the issue, please stop telling young girls about the pain of penetration and please stop quoting that hadith about the angel's curse. Instead, start finding out more about the condition yourselves and start telling young men the hadith about "messengers" before intercourse - of kind words and kisses and how to make intercourse mutually pleasurable.

  14. Sister,

    Your husband probably drinks to numb himself. He lashes out at you due to his sexual frustration. You are depriving him of his marital rights. I do hope you go to the doctors and see if there is something medically wrong with you. Maybe you a just really scared of the unknown. I do hope that the both of you can sit down and work things out. He probably loves you a lot, he just wants what he has waited his whole life for...you.

    Salam and the very best of luck to you

    • Exactly! A person waits till he gets married, avoiding Haraam and having patience. If he can not fulfil his desire even after marriage?....... May Allah Protect the Ummah...

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salaams,

      I am very surprised at the tone everyone is taking. This sister is not just frivolously rejecting her husband. She has a reason: painful intercourse. Are we that inhumane that we throw something like this aside and go to blaming her, and indirectly justify her husband's outrageous actions?

      Even on all the other posts where the sisters write in about the problems they have with vaginismus, no one went on to harangue them about the way they were denying their husband's rights because of it. Everyone was compassionate about the difficulty they were having.

      What a shame the same isn't happening for this sister. Astaghfirullah!

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Amy, I think it's because in those other cases the sisters recognized that the lack of intercourse was a problem, and they were seeking solutions. This sister, on the other hand, seems to resent the fact that her husband expects sexual intimacy. Of course the marriage is going to go off the rails. No man is going to wait, remaining chaste, and then accept a wife who wants a chaste marriage.

        With that said, it's ridiculous to blast the sister for not fulfilling her marital obligations. Clearly she has some physical or psychological issues that need to be worked out. It's not as simple as just saying, "submit".

        Furthermore, the husband's behavior is unacceptable. In particular, striking his wife is a transgression that cannot be tolerated. Also, the wife cannot be blamed for the husband's drinking. Everyone is responsible for his own sins. If I had problems with my wife, I wouldn't go out and get drunk. Everyone makes his own choices.

        Alright, sister aisha123. Four things need to happen:

        1. Your husband must stop drinking.

        2. He must pledge never to strike you again. There should be a zero tolerance issue. Let him know that if it happens again you will leave him.

        3. The two of you need couples therapy to learn how to talk to each other.

        4. Your husband should stop pushing for sex. He must be patient and work with you gently to overcome the problem.

        5. You will need to overcome your fear of intercourse. There are ways that you can work up to it slowly, gradually building trust with your husband until you can accept penetration. It could take only a few weeks, or several months. This article might help:

        How to Overcome Pain During Intercourse

        There's also a book on the subject, available from Amazon: Completely Overcome Vaginismus: The Practical Approach to Pain-Free Intercourse, Book 1 and 2 [Paperback]

        But these measures will only work if your husband can be patient and gentle, and if you can overcome your shyness. If the two of you are not prepared for this, then you are not prepared for marriage and it's best to get divorced.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Hear.. hear I agree with Bro Wael.

          May Allah make things easy for you and your husband sister and may he bless this ummah. Ameen.

          Sister R

      • Amy,

        I don't think anyone here is taking a tone or blaming this sister at all. Mashallah, the responses have been kind and many from an Islamic perspective. I am just stating a fact...her husband wants what is his marital right. He drinks alcohol to numb his feelings and lashes out at her due to his sexual frustration of not getting any. Is it right? No. However...he is human and maybe this is the only way he can express his anger and frustration. Maybe he just doesn't know how to go about things and what to do as this situation is something he could have never anticipated. I highly suggest they both go see a gynecologist to determine what is going on and what can be done to help this sister. After all, I can't imagine how devastated this sister is when she too has waited all her life to marry and finds that something she imagined to be a beautiful thing has not turned out the way she expected it to be. May Allah guide them both forward to a peaceful resolution and a long and happy life together. Allah hu Alem

        • From reading the posts, I agree with sister Amy that people are appearing that they are attacking this sister--like a girl would want to have sex with her husband who drinks and hits you. Did anyone consider that he was drinking before she came into his life? And what kind of man takes up drinking because his wife will not submit--he could try something other than hitting her! He could have suggested a solution as in counselling instead of force Maybe he hid this habit from her. On the other hand, I can't imagine a girl resisting her husband if he would woo her and give her affection and make her feel like she is a Queen. YES. He should treat his wife like a Queen because which other woman WOULD he treat like a Queen. Hopefully if he took such measures it would help this sister with her intimacy issues, settle their marriage down. I love how ppl take the part that men are the maintainers and protectors of women to mean that women should JUST submit--it means, that you do not put the solution on her only, and rather, work with her and it may even mean that you take the initiative to work things out.

          Some girls are sexually abused in their childhood and they won't necessarily disclose that to their husbands-the sister needs to go to the doctor but ABSOLUTELY not be held responsible for her husband's poor choices and not have to undergo abuse. If there are many hadith as to how a wife should respond to her husband's needs, certainly it is on the husband to woo her and make her feel that she is not just a sex object. Afterall, why does she feel that he only wants sex? It could be that he is not showing enough affection or maybe doesn't understand what it is like for a woman.

          I agree with br. Wael's response.

          May Allah make it easy for you and may your marriage be successful inshaAllah.

          • i agree with you

          • Great reply! Agree totally!

          • Salaams,

            Agreed. I'd say the husband is to blame for showing no feelings of respect, love and gentleness and only saw his wife as an object, who upon his command would comply with his need to satisfy his carnal desires. This is hardly a welcoming invitation to be intimate and most likely resulted in the sister's dislike and fear of sex.

            The problem is that men like this have no decency and just treat a wife like a commodity because once they are married they don't think they have to put any effort into building a loving relationship.

            To shamelessly blab private matters to his parents is also very disgusting and disrespectful.

            Do people forget that men and women can be very different with their desires and expectations on intimacy? It can be so daunting for a decent person to go from barely knowing their new spouse to then having to be so up close and personal. Behaviour which one has no prior experience of and shying away from all aspects of sexual behaviour up until that point in one's life on the wedding night.

      • Salam Sr. Amy
        The sister has said very clearly that: "we have never had sex till now.. i used to be very shy and afraid of the pain which made me dislike it" - the sister has NOT HAD sex so how can she know it its painful - she only has psychological blockage to it because of FEAR. How can she know that it WILL be painful for her when she has not tried it? We do not have a diagnosis of vaginusmusfor her AS YET!
        What they need is couples counselling to help him encourage her gently by mutual foreplay and she has to learn to let go of her fears and trust him to be gentle with her.

        Sr. Aisha123: why do u have this fear? were you or someone close to you (sister, friend, cousin) sexually abused or have you heard from other women about the pain? In addition to therapy, you also need to see a gynecologist to help you figure out what the issues are. Include your husband in all this so he knows you are trying to make the marriage work.

        wish you all the best!

  15. Dear Sister,

    Let me be honest and clear just like your brother. I have read your story but believe me I feel sorry for you and your husband specially your husband. You know why??
    Sorry for you that even though Mashallah you are practical muslim but still having these types of thought in your mind and not obeying your husband's wish.
    Sorry for him that instead of being polite he be arrogant with you and started bad things like drinking.
    But overall you are main responsible for all this mess.
    Let me tell you one thing havn't you heard that hadith of Prophet Muhammad SAW in whic he mentioned A WIFE CURSED BY THE ANGELS ALL NIGHT, IF SHE DENY TO BED WITH HER HUSBAND WITHOUT ANY REASON.
    Reasons may be sickness, tiredness, etc For one night ok acceptable, one week ok, even one month ok.
    But if its for ever now then this must be sorted out and you ask yourself why you are behavig like childish??
    Pain??? This is Law of Nature Sister.....Donot think about it too much....
    I am sorry to say you are practical muslima but you donot know how to fullfill his desires having just lame excuse in your mind.
    When you pray plz pray for yourself because being a 3rd person I think you r responsible for your mess.
    When you say He Only Wants SEX??
    What does this mean??
    Should he go to brothel?? or try to find some hooker to please himself??? Then you will be happy???
    Husband and wife are clothes of each other.
    I guess he is trying to be your clothes but its you who is not considering him.
    According to Islam we marry so that we could have children, it will incerase love when husband and wife sleep.
    What type of love you have for your husband???
    Sorry to say you need councling. You should respect your husband and Obey him. this what Islam told me. Try to read Surah Nisa then you realize what had you done.
    Ratio of Tallaq will be increased near Qayamah.....this sign of Qayammah....
    Donot destroy you life...and the life after word.....
    Even you are praying what ever....if you husband is not happy surely every night cursed by holy angels....
    Sorry if be a bit arrogant but by God even if you were my real sister then my words would be the same....You are responsible for his bad habbits..He is not finding peace in his room...in his wife...what should he do??? Treate you like queen????
    Anyhows...this is just advice for you sister....reconize yourself...and save him before it too late...otherwise you will repent for the rest of your life and remember Haqookullah could be forgiven, but Haqookulebaad is only forgiven if that person want....
    and your are reining his Haqoook....
    Allah bless you and make you wise..
    Allah HAfiz

    • Salaams,

      I think your answer was overly harsh. No one can be blamed for the choices someone else makes; you can't say she is to blame for his drinking etc. I've heard someone say that about cheating, but him going elsewhere for sex is nowhere in this picture.

      I don't think you really understand what painful sex is like for a woman. I think the closest it may come for a man is some type of violation or rape by sodomy. Yes, for women who are physically suffering from things like vaginismus, the pain is unbearable and there is no person in their right mind who would continue doing an activity that is so painful. It almost sounds like you are saying she should have just "sucked it up", but in truth these aren't the kinds of things a woman can suck up. It's a sensitive area, after all; and any type of perceived trauma to it is going to make someone avoidant. That's just the reality.

      If we are going to do hindsight 20/20, then of course she should've gotten this treated medically as soon as it came to her awareness. But even still, that has nothing to do with her husband drinking in her absence or losing his temper during an argument and hitting her.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. Salaams,

    Putting all the religious practices aside, this is what I understand:

    1. You have made a mistake in avoiding sexual contact with your husband due to the pain.

    vs.

    1. He drinks frequently
    2. He has been physically abusive to you.

    There is no excuse for abuse. None whatsoever. "Correcting" a wife's actions doesn't mean a man is justified to harm his wife physically in anyway. And hitting any believer in the face is wrong, no matter what the situation!

    You can't blame yourself for his drinking. I am not excusing your side of the affair; perhaps you should have put more effort into being sexually available for him. Yet even with you not having done that, he did not need to resort to drinking or violence. There are many men who have wives who are less inclined sexually, or even continually refuse their rights outright, and they don't resort to this animalistic and haram behavior. If the man is unsatisfied with his wife, ideally he should divorce her as Holy Qu'ran indicates.

    I am worried that even if you were to adjust yourself to becoming more sexual with him, his drinking will continue. There is more than enough evidence that alcohol increases the likelihood of violence, and the fact that he has already crossed that line once puts you at high risk he will again...and this is exponentially multiplied by virtue of him taking the intoxicants. Personally, I don't feel you are safe, nor do I feel this is a healthy marriage.

    I really believe you need to work on your issue about sex. Intercourse should be something pleasurable and enjoyable to you, and if you are not having that experience it stands to reason there may be psychological or physical things going on to hinder that. For your own sake, you should have this looked into with your doctor.

    As far as the marriage, I think that you should remain separated from him until he sobers up. There is no way to have a meaningful relationship with an alcoholic, and unfortunately many families with addiction think that the sober ones changing their bad habits will make the addict change. That's simply not true. He needs to get help and recover from the drinking and his angry ways on his own, and if he is not willing to do so then I think you are putting yourself in jeopardy by remaining commmitted to him.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  17. Assalamu'alaikum sister Aisha123,

    I am sorry for what you are facing. You ask: "Why me?" The answers is "Ask yourself!"

    I think you are responsible for it, to a great extent. A marital relationship becomes successful when both the parties work for the success. When one fails, the other feels insecure, which leads to the failure of the relation in itself.

    You say that you come from a religious background. Sister, I would like to remind you that what he demanded was something he deserved. It was his right. The proof is the following Hadith:

    "When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning". [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

    “When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy, she should come, even if she is (busy) in the cooking area.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi & Sunan al-Nasa’i)

    “By the one in whose hands is my life, there is not a man who calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him except that Allah becomes angry with her until her husband is pleased with her.” (Sahih Muslim, No. 1436)

    Of course, if there is a valid reason such as a sexual problem, you can deny. But you should work for solution instead of mere denial. Shyness and fear are not valid reasons for denying him this right.

    His actions are not justified. He should not beat you, like he did, but yes, there is a scope for correcting his wife's actions with some force. The proof is the following Aayah from Surah an Nisa, (Aayah 34):

    Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great.

    Imam ibn Kathir Rahimahullah said about the "beating" that Ibn Abbas Radiyallahu Anhu said it is something which is not violent.

    (It is sad that people take the last part of the Aayah and leave the rest. The make wife beating Halaal for themselves; quoting this Aayah wrongly. People should read this before drawing conclusions)

    Obedience to one's husband is highly valued. When Allah Become Angry at not fulfilling it, He Rewards when it is fulfilled, in sha Allah. The proof is the following Hadith:

    If the woman prayed her five daily prayers, fasted her month, protected her chastity and obeyed her husband, she will be told, 'Enter Paradise from any of its doors you wish (Ahmad)

    Alcohol is not the solution, and your husband has definitely erred. It is referred to as ام الخبائث (the mother of all evils) (Sunan an Nasa'i). He should give it up immediately. Sister, you can help him in that. Obey him in what is lawful, what is his right. If you have a sexual problem, discuss it with him and get it solved. This way, in sha Allah, he will even overcome the "Alcohol" problem.

    I hope you take this positively and act according to the Quran and the Sunnah. May Allah Give you Strength, and Guide you and your husband.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Brother Abu Abdul Bari and Brother Asim (below):

      Habib Ali al-Jifri in his talks has specifically denounced men using hadith/shariah to oppress and manipulate women. I don't think he would agree with "forced" sex either even in a marriage situation.

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