Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is not interested in me, but won’t leave her alone!

Woman holding mobile phone

assalamualikum,

I've been married for three years. My husband has not been interested in me from the start of the marriage. We had started to talk after the engegment, and at that time he told me about his previous affair where he really wanted to get married but he couldn't do it due to some reasons. He told me that he still talks her now, but soon she will get married so then he will leave her alone. At that time he did clarify to me that there is nothing between them except that they are just good friends. At that time I was not worried about that, just because he was interested in me and showing that he only loved me. After a few days he told me that she got married and he left talking to her.

A year after that we got married. I caught him talking with her on his mobile during our honeymoon. I asked him about it, and he replied that he will leave her so she may adjust better her married life, because she is facing lots of problems as her husband is not a good person. He drinks wine, has lots of girlfriends, and he never wants a baby with her. Thats why she is disturbed.

But I seriously caught him talking to her several times through sms. I got afraid as they talk every time, so I took his mobile and read all the messages. That was very diappointing to me that they talk all the time like lovers- simply hugs, kisses and lots of promises never to leave. I tried to ask my husband about that, and he told me not to interfere in his matters. He  talks to her whether at home or out the of home. Whenever I come to my room his cell rings again and again. I have read most of their discussion, and there is nothing except sharing love with each other.

My husband does not have any type of interest in me. He is not sharing love,  romantic talk, or a better sexual life. He has not shown any type of interest in me. Now I've had a baby, and after his birth he left my room. He sleeps in the other room where he talks with her the whole night, and this is very shameful for me. He does mobile sex with her because I see every day some drops on his dress, which tells he has fulfilled his desire without me. I have seen his girlfriend's many dity pics.

But the worst thing is that he hasn't  told me that she has two  kids also. In fact, she is used to talking him to him until now she has babys. Also he is not fullfillng his financial duties. I can't tell my needs or wishes to my in laws to fulfill, because if they fulfill it they only do it compulsively. I have told my parents in law all about it, but they say to wait for a good time for him to come online. They say soon he will go abroad and will fullfill my financial needs. They think most men talk to women like that, so this is not a big issue. My husband says I'm not a good secret keeper of a wife, so by that I did disturb his parents and digraced him in front of his parents.

I'm at a place where I don't know about my future, because this is not a single problem. My in laws are trying to find mistakes in me as well. They can't understand their own son, but they can pressure me at every matter- even my mother in law is playing a role where she is showing my mistakes in front of my husband. This is just creating an unbalanced situation, making it seem that I'm also not good.

I have come back my home because I'm disappointed from all of that. They have come two or three times to talk, but they only tell my parents 'your daughter is not willing to keep this relationship, as she should have waited for better time".

Please tell me why no one is with me there. Their son is not interested in me,  he has not even slept with me for nine months. Please tell  me- should I keep quiet and make others happy? Or should I keep quiet and wait for a better time? My husband is taking more and more interest in her, and not showing any type of interest in me.  He's not even fufilling any single responsibility. Is that a happy married life?

-kokab


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25 Responses »

  1. sister stay clear of him

  2. Dear sister sorry to hear about it .Please gather some proof of his infidelity and other stuff and share when it is required with concerned people ...and take a call based on your intuitions ..

  3. Sister,

    What a patient woman you have been. I don't understand how you should wait for a "better time". Better time for what? He married you, end of story. It sounds as though he and his family are making excuses for his behavior.

    I am glad to hear you have gone home to your parents. This man does not deserve you in any capacity. Any marriage will have it's ups and downs but you simply cannot compete with a man who is having what I would deem to be an affair on the side. Not having sexual relations with you for nine months alone are grounds for divorce!

    May Allah guide you forward and may you find some peace in your life. Don't worry about your in-laws or anyone else...worry about you. Put yourself first in all of this because it is obvious that you have been on the back burner for some time. Time to put a stop to it once and for all. You don't deserve to live this way, not now...not ever.

    Salam

  4. OP: He has not even slept with me for nine months. Please tell me- should I keep quiet and make others happy? Or should I keep quiet and wait for a better time? My husband is taking more and more interest in her, and not showing any type of interest in me. He's not even fufilling any single responsibility. Is that a happy married life?

    What country do you live in? The woman was there before he married you. Where does the other woman live. Nine months no sex, may be he has a sexual problem and you both need to see a sex therapist/physician.

    • I dont think sex is the main issue here? It's the infidelity!!!

      Plus, the man is satisfying himself on the side with another woman almost everyday. I dont think he has sexual problems at all.

      Again I repeat......The problem is his INFIDELITY!!!

  5. Assalam Aleykoum Sister,

    I agree every bit with Sister Najah. Truly you are very patient, MashaAllah. And InshaAllah you will get through this trial. For Allah SWT stated repeatedly in the Holy Quran that with every hardship there is ease. This is a promise.

    Seek guidance and protection from Allah SWT. And sometimes it is best to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.

    Also seek Islamic professional help from either a trusted Imam or counselor InshaAllah. Involve your family and not his family in discussing what is best for you.

    Make time for yourself and contemplate your future and that of the baby's. Do not for even one moment forget to turn to Allah SWT. He is always there for you.

    May Allah SWT make it easy on you and may you find peace, love and happiness in your heart InshaAllah. Ameen.

    SisterZahriya

  6. ASSALAMUALIKUM..THANKS ALL OF YOU BUT MY MAJOR PROBLEM IS THAT MY HUSBAND SAYS I WILL TAKE BABY BACK..HE IS TOO YOUNG JUST 1 YEAR OLD HE NEEDS ME NOW BUT AFTER THAT HE COMPLETES FEEDING HE WILL START ASKING TO GIVE HIM BACK HIS SON...MY PARENTS THINK IT IS BETTER TO GIV HIM BACK HIS BABY..THEY HAVE CLEARD ME THAT
    ( IF YOU TAKE DEVORCE WITH HIM AND WE DO YOUR MARRIAGE WITH ANOTHER PERSON THEN ACCORING TO RULE CHILD GOES TO FATHER..AND IF YOU OWN HIM BUT YOUR NEW LIFE PARTNER WOULD NOT BE AGREE TO OWN AT THAT TIME THIS WOULD BE VERY PAINFULL FOR YOU..SO IT IS BETTER THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE STEP NOW BECUZ IT WILL BE TOO HARD FOR YOU TO LEAVE HIM AFTER LONG TIME..HE IS FATHER HE CAN TAKE HIM AFTER 7 YEARS THEN WHAT WILL YOU DO)
    I M BETWEEN THE DAVIL AND THE DEEP SEA, DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO..I DONT WANT TO GO BACK BUT I LOVE TOO MUCH MY SON..NO ONE WILL DO EFFORT WITH ME TO OWN MY SON..OTHER SIDE HIS FATHER HAS MADE IT A PROBLEM OF HIS 'I' ..
    I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IF I GO BACK THERE MY HUSBAND AND MY MOTHER IN LAW BOTH TRY TO DEGRADE ME KEEP ME INTO MENTAL PRESSURE DIPRESSION...THIS ONLY LEEDS ME TOWARS FRUSTRATION...
    MY IN LAWS ARE TRYING TO CALL ME BACK BUT STILL MY HUSBAND IS THE ONE WHO IS NOT ACCEPTING HIS ANY MISTAKE..HE THINKS HE DID NOTHING THIS IS JUST MY PERCEPTION..
    BUT I M NOT A KID I KNOW HE WHAT HE IS DOING....

  7. Leave him he don't deserve you
    You seriously have been very patience how many more times you going to forgive him

  8. seems as if your husband loves his child and he doesn't love u at all. i am of opinion that a frustrated mother will not be able to takecare of her child properly. a child needs attention and it requires mother to be mentally and emotionally sound. this is the basic problem in combined families.. they dont let the mother remain emotionally stable. everyone is there to show their dominance..mostly mother-in-laws have this habbit of mental teasing.

    same problems i am facing ..regarding this kind of mental torture

    wel.. why dont you try being a working mother..try find a job to keep yourself busy away from this emotional abuse..just for the sake of your child.

    divorce may cause many problems..so why dont u try this instead..with passing time ,,everything may change..wht do u think?

  9. Cheaters don't ever change, jerks like him never change, I would kill my husband god forbidden if he is talking to some other lady saying we are friends, sweetie open your eyes there is no such a good " as friends" just be there for your baby insallah Allah help you and your family get thur this..

  10. this is a gud option mahrukh but who will let me go? my husband will not give me permission after baby,s birth..he thinks i should pay my time to my child only...
    i could stay there if my mother in were gud with me..but i dont know why she is showing that i cant do any thing..
    there was a way if i could do full fill all my husband's responsibilities with myself but my mother in law always becomes a barrier inside for me..she makes breakfast for him when i say let me do she says No my son does not like the type of paratha you make..i tried to make like her but then she says you it thin or thick etc...she also cooks food with her self just becuse my husband says his mother to cook with your self..they say we eat differen then your type..i dont know what is there type?.. and how could i learn if they will not let me do it?
    if i try to make some different for my husband my mother in law says you should have to ask your husband if he want to eat or not?...when eva i ask him to make any thing he refuses..may be due to the reason he doesnt like my cooking...what is that ?
    my husband wants i should do all work at home including taking care of his parents..but his mother doesnt let me do even she always refuse if i request to wash or iron their clothes.what is that?
    due to this my husband most of time complains that you are doing nothing and i see my mother does all the things..
    i tryed to make understand my in law,s that if you want to move him back let me do all the work .. so by that he may feel any soft corner in his heart for me..but it is out of my mind whey they dont let me do?
    how can i win his heart plz u people tell me?...is there any way that he may leave cheating? or he will always need a reason for doing these all things what eva he wants to do?
    i have come back but if they come again to take me back what things should i do which can help me to make my place there?..is there any one who can help me?

  11. you cant change people..but you can learn to deal with them. so kokab.. learn to deal...with your in-laws and with your husband.

    stop complaining and start your struggle to survive in that house.. and keep hope in Allah

    your husband is a father too and there is a hope that he may change. when children grow, they start understanding things..they learn to talk..you just have to wait till the time when your child is grown up then your time may change. keep your son close to his father. when your husband spends time at home, encourage your son to sit with the father..play with him. he is too small now but with time , this father-son relation will work 4u in ur favor

    when the children grow they grab father's attention..so just find reasons to keep the son attached to the father..be a confident mother..its ur house..its ur husband try having control on the situation

    your mother-in-law is cooking and doing all the work and you keep requesting for ur rights to cook for ur husband etc. why? why asking. its ur right its ur duty. it the duty of wife to takecare of husband's needs. why didnt u get the charge of ur duty soon after u got married? no matter..take the charge now.. you are not weak...you are a member of that family..you are now a mother of a child. be confident and have grip on these situations that are creating troubles in your life

    this time when your husband comes to take you home,, discuss with him the problems you are facing.
    ask him that you want to work and try convincing him

  12. salam sister mahrukh gives u nice advise just wait inshallah ur child bring change in ur life .i think ur mother in las nuture is she likes everyone admire her. her cooking her working etc. so i u can do taks my advise jusf admire her say u want to cook like her and ask her can u plz teach me.leave having any arrgument with her i tel u with my personal experince u cant mind of people may all world standing in ur favoure if they dnt want to change they will never so leave. when u feel very stress spend time with ur son mashllah Allah bless u with beautiful gift may Allah give good health and life to ur son amin time will pass my dear and best option try to wake up tajjhajud time and ask help if u cant make it read hajjat niffil it help alot it help me.inshallah Allah makes thing easy for u. early u want to live in ur in laws ur way that making ur life difficult now live in tbeir way just to make peace inshallah day will come u gona live ur way inshallah

  13. actualy in starting period of our marriage my mother in law gave me full hand to cook any thing..i was also full confident at that time..in starting they started to like what eva i cooked...but after few months i got too much desperate due to mu husband,s affair.i try to cook better but they mostly think there is some thing less in it..thats why my mother in law started to cook with her self.i lost my all confidence whe i started to read his sms..its too much hard for a wife to see her husband talking with other girl...even when i was pregnant he mostly used his mobile infront of me..i lost my all confidance..i talkd wid my in laws but every thing was use less i talk my parents they called my husband and in laws at home they discussd with them why he is not giving her proper time but at that time my husband put all the buck on me saying that she does wrong complain its not like that...and after that my husband left normaly talk with me...bit by bit we got far and far with each another...lots of time my parents tryed to talk with my in laws about that but they only replyed that she should wait for the better time..time will change he will come back..but i found him more and more interested him in her..most of time my mother in law did such a complain in front of my husband which was actually not my fault..he neva asked with me is that right or wrong..he only believed her own mother and kept in mind that i m not a gud girl or i do not respect his parents..
    he says if my parents tell any thing abut you i will believe on then not on you..meanz i will always b wrong..
    i feel this distance can neva end...can we come near again?..two sides problem is here...his girl friend and my in laws behaviour..will he eva be able to recognize me GUD wife?

  14. you are right umme moosa her nature is like that but these two years i just did like that what eva u advise me...but this is amazing that she is in more arrogance that no one is like her so she is a women who should cook food and get admiration from others..i have asked her lots of time but she neva stand with me in kitchen..she only tells throughly recipee...which only she can cook i feel...tell me umme moosa what should i do next?
    i want to do all things and i will be happy doing all that but i feel they only want a perfect cook

  15. In your post it's clear that what's really keeping you from leaving is your belief that your husband can and will take your child from you. How do you know this for sure? It seems you only think so because he told you. Why should you believe anything he says? My advice to you is to speak to a lawyer working in divorce cases in your country and explain the whole matter. It's possible that you have more rights on your child than you think, and that if you can prove he is cheating he will lose his rights to the kid.

    Also, I think a man like this doesn't really care about the child at all. Rather, he and his parents are using your child to control you and protect their reputation. It's time to fight back. Make sure that they understand that you are willing to drag them through the courts and air all their dirty laundry if they try to force you to give up your child. For too long you've been a passive victim of this terrible person and his enabling parents. You have to fight back and fight hard, or things will only get worse.

    Finally, his girlfriend probably won't even want him to keep your child should you file for divorce. If that is the case, and I think it will be, he probably won't push the issue too hard. That's why I suggest you begin with speaking to a lawyer. You may have more rights than you think, and it may be easier to get them than you think. Speak to a lawyer today, before this man divorces you and throws you out first.

  16. salam kokab i know u got option oc divorceand as ur parents when u get married again u can get good husband but tel me as alhumdulliah i am also mother i also got issues in my life with my in laws and my husband but for mother leaving child very difficult.can u live without ur son? ur problim is other women not ur mofher in la nof much at this moment . i feel like when u running behind something and all of sudden stop and change ur attention towords some thing else that thing will feel.i fee like if u stop complain and start being more in attentionto ur son and remember one thing look after urself make urself attective for ur husband wear his favrite colour when time he arround look nice elegant but show him u busy and happy in life (if he busy with her) b arround him.he is ur husband when he feel like u stop attentive to him he will feel and will come to u inshallah.when he arrond read four Qul.As he leave house for work and come home read aytal kursi and four qul blow on him that sheeytan live away frm him and my lovly sister u r his wife u have ful right on him just have some courage and take control on him with simple steps keep ur son arround him and for mother in law leave her alone with her stories she is in that age she will never change and accept she doing wrong so when she complain just say i am like ur daughter u must tell me wht must i do if i didnot do then u must complain if ur husband like sseet dishes try ti make night time when he busy just take food tell him u make for him and he must eat.

  17. sister saba and amy mostly their advise also very logical. plz advise sister might b its gona b great help i will make dau Allah turn ur husband to u and make ur home lovly and full of life amin inshallah ur time will come

  18. i know all that i realy know if i leave my son i can neva live happy...but u people dont know my mother in law..even she shows infront of my husband that she is the one who can proper take care of his son...even i feel bound that i cant take care of my son properly as i want..can u imagen there is just her order..every day she has a new order like neva do this or that again or do not..evaen i cant try new baby food recipes for my younger son..if i try to do some thing new she has always some drastic arguments in her mind..
    umme moosa you said i should cook food..yes i want to try somthing new for my husband but i think my mother in law has some inferiority complex or superiority complex that she want if some thing you make first ask me and always cook for all not cook any saparate thing only for your husband..some new things i tried but some time my in laws did not like and some time my husband did not like...thats why i lost my confidance..i feel bound my self and always feel fear in my mind when eve i cook this could not cook good no one will like it...i try to come out from this fear but i cant tell me how to come from this fear..

  19. my lovly sister to me seems like u lost ur confidence . ok one thing u can do easily listen them and do wht u want and wht u like .u seem like u lost hope and u lost ur personality how come ? where is u in picture of ur house .ur mother in law dnt liks u she rule the house u keep her in ur mind and want to live a life like this.u need to work on urself listen her but do wht u want .my dear sister life is not a bed of rose everyone facing problims at one point my own mother was asking me to have divoce and i ask my mother i will but i am not gona remarry my mother said how u can live (i was 21 married only for 5month and having no child) but i asked if u let me marry again might b they will say i was not good who gonna tell them wht was problim so if problims going to b their y cant i face prob in this marriege. oh wht i face i standing whole day washing dishes listening abuse to my mother (my father passed away when i was 9) so he lucky not to listen i have first miscarrige and second misscarige andi got title i cant b a mother i am not right then Allah gave me daughter she was premuture and issue they want son last ramadan i gave birth to son.i use to cry in my tahajud namaz with my heart.Almighty Allah listen me serious now alhumdulliah my husband become nice with me(he divored first wife he dnt trust me start of marriage he said wht ever his mother said or do right.today i gof my own house my mother in law stay with other son but still she speaks cheap abt me she taunt she dnt love my childern way she must but who cares. i didnot care i only keep my attention to to husband.remember u r not married with ur mother in law leave her.keep focus on ur husband cook and do wht u want i know she gonna make issue let her make cook wht u like for ur son she will say but when she relize u dnt care and ignore her she will stop one day and remember if u didnot stand up forurself its gonna b late no one gona take stand for u.b wife and b mother dnt b try daughter in law. sacre only frm Allah human r not thing u must get scared frm them they r like u if they harm u.u can also harm them if they nice b nice if not no one ask u to b nice with them got my point?

  20. cook read darood when u cookand make dau then cook.u can mess one time two time but it cant forever even good chef can make mistake. Mistake is part of human routine y u have fear when a baby starts walk baby fell how many times u cant count fear u felling and getting hurt never stop a baby to walk u r grown up women mashallah a mother y u have fear if they reject some thing u cook keep try no prob. coming out in fear in ur own hand if they dnt like food next day try not to keeping in mind they didnot like yesterday keep in mind Inshaallah Allah gona give taste and they gonna like today

  21. umme moosa you are right i remember after baby,s birth my mother in tries not to wear pamper my son but i had major operation it was very diffecult to change him again an again..i took step on it and i started to wear pamper him at least at night...she got angry but when i did that every night she kept quit..
    but my sister in last two years most of the times i did what eva you said but why my husband always think i do not obey her?..why he doesnt understand that islam only has given me the right to obey husband not mother in law..she only wants if she forbid me i must stop if she say no i should neva do that again and if i do that thing she exaggerates infront of my husband behind me as like i commited a great sin being not to obey her..
    any ways i am at my parents home and my demand is only that let me do all my work with myself...i will go back but i feel i should stay some more time at my parents home becus i can gain my confidance here again by cooking food...and may be after some time my husband may b forget previous things and try to start again a happpy life..i m at a condition where we have lots of argues with each another which has no solutions we think bad partner each another..may be this silance let him think about our son and his future to live a happy life...i pray for a gud solution..

    • Dear sister
      I m so surprised to see that someone is going through the exact mental trauma as I have been through dear sister first of all I would like to say to al girls if this ever happens to u nip itiin the bud show aggresively that u cant bear infedility cuz once it is started its not easy to end what I have done to combat this situationi can only tell u that first of all secretly keep the number of the girl safe inur mobile and do keep all the proofs at ur end before confronting about Iitwith ur husband u be sweet with him and Iin the meanwhile keep record of all the things proof now whn u get all of them u should quietly seperate frm ur hubby and incase he threatens u for ur child u must blackmail him of all the dirty stuff u have of him to show infront of his relatives and obviously the court be a strong girl and be strong in the steps u take start a job nd in the meanwhile try to attest all ur documents degrees from respective institutes save some money and plan for a job out of the country middle east or nywhr u think suitable fr u before ur son turns seven take him and leave the country without anyone knowing except ur parents

  22. may Allah makes things good for u and for ur son and all our sisters daughters have good pious spouse and inlaws our deen is gives us rights and a complete method of life but our culture that is headache. husbands know remeber wht is right of mother but in that blindness love they cant see wht their mother doing with her daughter in laws which they dnt have right. Anyhow keep good hope my advise is again if u cant change mind of ur in law then learn to deal with ur in laws . keep good hopes frm Allah He can turn heart towords u.my prayers r for u.inshallah as happiness comes to my life and my life changemay Allah brings good change in ur life amin

  23. Tell your husbands girl friend to back off other wise you will expose her to her elders and husband .

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