Unmarried: Convert Issues
Salaam all,
Just got to say that as a convert of 5 years, this ummah has continually disappointed me with regards to marriage.
It's as if being a convert automatically categorizes me as a second-class citizen, with immigrant parents rejecting me for the usual race, class, etc. reasons and both Sunnis and Shias rejecting me because I consider myself to be "Just Muslim".
The marriage process has been nothing but a string of heartbreaks for me and it's left me feeling extremely resentful, mostly towards the ignorant Muslim parents in America who indeed fulfill the hadith of the Prophet (SAWS):
“If someone approaches you (with a proposal) and his religion and character is pleasing to you, then get him married. If you do not do so, there will be trials and chaos on the earth…”
(Sunan Tirmidhi, hadith: 1085)
I honestly do believe that 99.9% of problems preventing the Muslim youth in America these days from getting married are related to these parents and their cultural baggage. Really, just wait one generation and all of the problems will be gone.....Gen X and Gen Y Muslims in America don't care about that stuff!!
I've been active in Muslim religious and cultural organizations on campus, made friends from around the globe, attended matrimonial events at two conferences and used Muslim marriage websites but still have got absolutely nothing. For some reason, something always gets in the way! Too poor (Master's student), wrong race, wrong sect....the usual......
Seriously sick of this entire process. Sick of going to bed alone, sick of feeling resentful when seeing other couples, sick of watching a parade of friends and family getting engaged and married and sick of working SO hard and getting absolutely NOTHING out of it.
I've gotten to the point of considering whether dating non-Muslims would just be a more viable option. Obviously Muslim girls and their families aren't willing to see past generations of cultural issues or the boundaries of the cultish sects they belong to!
jalaluddin
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I hate that too and Im born muslim currently going to in sha Allah be marrying outside my culture (shouldnt even sound as unusual as it does). Like you said, soon in sha Allah next gen won't care - I don't. But sadly a lot of the sisters do (like you saw too) they want someone of the same bla bla I guess its naive and they just think theyre doing the right thing pleasing the parents. When I was looking id see a profile of a brother I may have wanted to speak to then the words oh someone of the same race or country - seriously people. Personally I think its so immature and ridicolous when you look at what marriage is and the actual qualities you should be looking for - revert or not or whatever country theyre from originally really does not determine how your day to day life will be successful with this person. Its just your test is all I can say. Allah is planning for you and Allah provides not the people leave it to Him, there is wisdom in this. Maybe focus on something else and when it is meant to happen it will happen, some things just dont happen easily in life. Dont let bitterness grow in your heart and definetly dont let shaytaan make you consider the evil way- this is perhaps the test to see what you will do, will you choose the wrong way? It is better to be chaste than looking in a haram way for a relationship that is not the foundation for success. I'll make dua for you brother.
Assalamualaikom brother
I do understand your frustration, however i would advise against generalization. There are so many good sister out there who do not have the restrictions you mentioned. best is to go and meet with the mosque imam / community leaders in your place...and tell them you are looking to get married, then meet your bride to be face to face in an Islamic setting. much better than the internet thing
if you want i can suggest some good sisters for you .. what type of wife are you looking for / any preferences of looks / race / education ? how about a revert masters degree ??
good luck
It may be easier if you look for another convert. There are lot of cultural things, like in Pakistan / Afghanistan people prefer to marry in the family for safety reasons. Arabs don't let their women marry non-Arabs.
Don't give up!
I know it's frustrating but just trust Allah and in he's timing!
I found my husband on a Muslim website I'm a revert Latina and he's Arab he has a friend also Arab who married a revert Caucasian lady also online.
Like they have advice you here go to your local mosque and talk your imam and mention you would like to marry.
I know exactly what you mean by being treated as second class citizen but don't let it get to you, what others think shouldn't matter we answer to Allah only!
Salam ...First of all im a revert or convert married to a muslim scholor female.I see that your your foundation in Islam is confused.Let me give you proper guidance as i am historian teacher aswell as person who had studied Islam in U.K.Understand with an open mind and also do research and ask opions from the learned.When im looking at the learned im saying what is his qaulifications in Islamic knowledge.He first should be a memorizer of Quran, studied the Alim program min 8 yrs or more . this is basic min next level would be a mufti or a muhadith or qazi(jurist) My sister there can be one understanding o e straight path .Following one of the 4 major school of thoughts as a sunni muslim. Do not even go there shia and the so on sects that stem from there.The prophet has said that my ummah will have 72 sects and one will enter janah. The next point is that todays muslims are so weak .The elders or great scholors say that less then 5% are praying salat . In the 5 % howmany are praying with proper devotion and concetration. Salat is the 2nd pillar of Islam.Salat is the key to paradise.Salat is the light of a beliver.Salat is a light in the grave.Salat is the first thing that will be taken account after belief on the day of judgement.Question?how can salat be accepted and perfected when we dont know how to make proper ablution.You see all of the correctedness , peace, tranquility , and love etc...comes from proper knowledge and guidance.We cant blame anyone and God(Allah)for the things that happen for bad.But know this blame youself because today we look for faults in everyone but ourselve.The prophet Muhammad was a perfect example on how to live in this world and love everyone for the sake of Allah.Days and months go by no food because of his worry and concern how each and every human being can be saved from the fire of Hell.this was his fikr.My sister this world is a test and a trial for the believer.By following the quran and adopting sunnah we will successful in both of the worlds.Look i this short life and invisible time that hangs over us we should see correct knowledge read quran daily get conne ted with community help the poor visit sick and encourage youth.But if we sit there and complain we will lose.Remeber theres an enemy who is with us at all times.He gives dawah 24/7 this is are shaitan. Did you know when a person excepts Allah and muhammad as the truth. Then shaitan puts doubts and confuses to the actual correct belief.eg. wahabis shia amadiyah sufi salafi etc.. AND WHEN THAT IS FIGURED OUT then he attacks your salat. He makes sure you dont pray . Sometimes closet people decieve us by there flattering speaches and wise words but like i said if the person isnt a doctor are you going take medicine from anyone else? And if you find that your Islam around you is weak then you can migrate to a place were the muslims are strong provided you have some education as a means to relocate. I am on the westcoast Canada b.c. born there come from mix a europian and southpacific parents.lived my whole life and accepted Islam in early 90s studied religion in England.I learned one thing and let me tell you from exp. that Islam is easy and we should have balance Eg. my 1st child is 9 shes working on her blk belt goes to learn swimming on weekands goes mon to fri after school for 2hrs to Madressah.She knows 31 suras and shes dad i want to be a pediatrician. So dont be so hard on yourself good things come to good people so be patient and never be angry.Look at the story of prophet lut a.s and other prophets that were so tested.These are eg. Oh by the way google Imam Abu hanifa and who his parents were and why do we follow the school of thoughts. You must look on line from different prospectives and form a conclusion and ask Allah late at night for his help.Dont ask those around you for guidance for we dont know if he or she is guided? But there signs that we know when someone is guided..The person is soft spoken and only talks when he has too on jumah days he likes to wear white . he wears his pants above the ankles wears a w/turban smells nice and has a shine on his face.This is the love for Muhamaad s.a.w Which is the actual love for Allah! If you want to go further and take it to another level go to a local sunni mosque find out about tbe tabligh jamaats that are involved there or were ever mosque that effort is taking place there and enqiure about marriage.Im sure the br. will help you because they know that marriage is half of Iman. peace out and may Allah make it easy for you. p.s look for man that has deen first the dunia
Salam
We are not all the same, I would give my daughter to a good Muslim whether they are born a Muslim or they were a converted muslim. Maybe our parents were backwards but I assure you these days children are doing what they want. We are living in a western society where children find their own partners, and we are stuck with what they meet until they learn the hard way. I myself have gone through issues with my daughter who's well educated had a degree and a brilliant job but then she had fallen in love with a none Muslim on Fb and the character of this guy is sly, his also a alcoholic git, my daughter has spent all her savings going backwards forwards to American spending all her cash on the low life and his family. I'm so stuck can't kick her out as I'm trying to guide her through the right teachings of our prophet. She won't listen, begged the guy to convert and he won't, now just stuck with the mess my daughter has created, think she's so in love cuz I see nothing other than her die for this guy I think she's been brain washed.
This world is messed up so many people are messed up, good ones look bad, bad look good, I just wish the test in this life was easy. I hope things get better for you and you find a great family who will accept you , And finally congratulations for coming into Islam, may things become bright and happy for you and for others who are going through this ongoing mess Ameen.
Please do dua for my daughter that she sees the right path and is not blindly in love with the none Muslim user, she comes back into Islam and has fear from God.
Raheela: We are not all the same, I would give my daughter to a good Muslim whether they are born a Muslim or they were a converted muslim.
This will happen over time. At present most Muslims do arranged/forced marriages. Jalluddin has been rejected by many families in the last 5 years.
If the guy is sly, alcholic, low life.....don't let your daughter marry him even if he wants to change his religion.
Salaam
I live in the UK and I am Pakistani. My sister and many of the women who live in my community do not wish to marry a Pakistani man - they would happily marry an English man who has reverted to Islam because of the notorious cultural baggage Pakistani husbands and in laws bring with them - they impose living arrangements on them - living with in laws etc and control a woman's whereabouts and non-islamic duties in the house. I guess what am trying to say is there are many many women who would love to marry a revert - they just don't know how to find them! I am divorced and inshAllah about to remarry a Pakistani man - Alhumdhililah my experience was of great value when picking my true companion. They are not all bad but I know there is a lot of tension between educated Pakistani women and cultural men.