I feel as though I am suffocating in my own home.
Salam,
Islam says to be dutiful towards your parents, but at home I feel as though I am inferior. I feel extremely emotionally shattered, I keep crying to Allah to relieve me of this particular burden. I know Allah knows best but I keep getting radical thoughts in my head. I don't know whether it's justified or whether I am complicating things. Even as I'm typing this, tears are streaming down my face.
The situation is this. I am the oldest child in my family, 19 years turning 20 in a month. I have previously been in one relationship but that ended and I remained a virgin. I am currently in a relationship with a boy who is of a different culture to me, and we slept together. I regretted it because after a couple of months into my relationship, I became practicing. I am still struggling and I continue to try.
My mum is divorced, and my youngest sister has a different father to me. Currently, my mother is not with either my father or my youngest sisters father, but with a different man. She was abused in her marriage severely and I don't judge her for anything she has done, I ask for forgiveness for her when I pray. My mother is not practicing, she wears a headscarf and Jilbab but she doesn't pray.
Before I became practicing, I told my mom about my boyfriend, because I wanted get married to him, although I never told her of this. She has always told us, me and my siblings, to be open with her, and I was tired of lying to her so I told her the truth. She asked a few questions about him and when I told her he was of a different culture, she was very racist. What hurts me is when she is angry, she would bring up him, and make sarcastic comment, stuff she knows would hurt me.
Stuff I have done in the past and regret, she would hold that against me. Recently, I had exams and would come home around 11 after studying the whole day in the library. I have young siblings at home who make a lot of noise so it's hard for me to revise at home. I also get distracted and end up doing other things. My younger sister, would come home around midnight, and one of my younger sister would come home at 5am because she works as a security guard at clubs.
My mum tolerates all this And when I try to explain to her that it's not right, she would either tell me she has it under control or make it sound as though I am jealous. And because of this, I get the silent treatment, my mother has not spoken to me in a week. When I go out, I get depressed thinking about coming home. Everyday day I cry and I can't help it. I feel so down, it feels as though my mum doesn't trust me enough or love me as much. I want to move out, because I become very suicidal, anything else I can handle.
It's just when I think about my relationship with my mum, I feel sad, I feel as though anger going against what Allah swt and I become frightened. My sisters have no respect for me, even when I point this out to my mum she doesn't say or do anything. And just want to leave the house and live by myself. I will miss my younger siblings very much but I can't take this anymore. I await to get married, but I am not in a final position and my mum expects me to work and pay for my wedding because she doesn't earn.
I am currently in second year university, insha'Allah I want to become a teacher. But I can't even talk to my mum about marriage because she will make remarks about me wanting to leave and trying to become a woman when I'm not even a woman. I would get told that a lot of people now a days get married in the thirties and ask why I'm in such a rush to get married. My mum wants me to get a job and earn enough to by a house for her. She is very cultural and I pray to Allah that she sees things from more of an Islamic viewpoint.
Aliyah28.
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salaam sister, i wish i could help you wallahi, believe me or not we are exactly in the same position about getting married, and the relationship between your mum is exactly thr same with me, and the sarcy comments as well it hurts me soo much. im the oldest and inshallah im turning 20 next month aswell, i get treated different towards my younger siblings, its a shame. mum asked me to open up to her, this is what i get in return. i pray ask, cry dua to Allah swt everyday aswell. inshallah Allah swt will help us both and succeed to our aim inshallah, i feel what your going through coz exactly the same i am going through.
my duas are with you sister. inshallah you will get posts that are advising and helpfull sorry i couldnt help you, but inshallah it will make you feel good that you are not alone sister. i love you for the sake of Allah keep healthy, inshallah. wa alaykum salaam sis
Salam sister,
I hope you are doing okay?
I am not sure if you are still in relationship with the second boy or not? If you are then you need to break it off. Leave him and do not have any contacts with him. Premartial relationship in Islam is one of the major sin. Please protect your hereafter and leave this boy. And repent to Allah (swt) for the sin.
You have said that you have become practising Muslimah and trying to continue. Alhamdulilah, this is really good. It shows you have realised the importance of worshiping Allah (swt) is crucial. Please keep this up. Do all your prayers, fast during the month, be more charitable, read the Quran with its meaning and so much more you can do to please your Creator, Allah (swt), inshaAllah. Thank Allah (swt) for guiding you and blessed you with faith in Islam.
I feel sad that you feel your respected mother is not treating you as equal to your sibilings. But dear sister, you have to understand that your mother didn't to seem to have smooth life of her own. She was abused severly by her husband (as per your mention). Experiencing abuse can lead a person to insensitivity, even if they don't want to be like that. May be the husband who abused your mother was your blood- father. For this reason she feels to treat you differently from your step sibilings (this could be possibility but I could be very wrong with this statement of mine). Sister, there could be many reasons with the way your mother treats you right now, but the end feeling of your mother towards you is still love. Trust me sister, no matter how much you feel your mother doesn't love you or you feel or see that she favours her other kids over you, deep down in her heart she cares for you!!! The way you cry by yourself, maybe your mother cries more than you yet she doesn't show it. Or maybe the abuse she experienced made her emotionless. Sister, please don't feel your mother doesn't care about you or her family. May be she is finding this whole thing as hard as your finding it. May be your respected mother doesn't know how to deal with this. Like I said sister, there could be many reasons why your mother behaves like this.
Sister, so as long as your mother is not hitting you or beats you, you will just need to bear it patiently. Within time, inshaAllah things will get better.
Please take the idea of 'moving out' out of your mind. This is your situation, don't accept it as problem. Accept it as challenge! You are in a challenging situation. You have to learn to deal with it in most mature manner possible. Don't run away from your situation. As much as you may think you are not valued, by that much or more you need to be around. To me it seems like you are the only spiritual person in your family. If you take this away from your family, it would be like you took away the message of Islam from your family. As the oldest sibiling in your house, be a good example to your younger sibilings. I acknowledge that your sisters are not giving you the respect but one day they will (inshaAllah). Please don't give up on your family. Good or bad, Muslims are expected to keep their families close to them.
Also don't think marriage is solution to your problems/challenges. Marriage life has its own challenges and difficulties.
If your respected mother is saying to get a job and marry in your thirties, this could be because she doesn't want you to have or to go through same life as hers. May be she wants you to be independent, stand on your own two feets. May be she wants to you to have secure and stable life. Whatever, the reasons be behind your situation, all I can say with believe that your mother needs you, your sibilings needs you and you need them too. Even if your respected mother doesn't show it, deep down she cares for you and Alhamdulillah, she is your mother!
Try not to verably preach Islam to your family- this is right or this is wrong. Everyone's state of emaan is different. At the moment you just do your bit- your five times prayer, reading the Quran, having good muslim friends, fasting during the month of ramadhan, much more. And by you doing all these act of worship is dawah in itself to your family. Try not to put pressure on them.
I hope I was any help to you. Continue with your studies, become the teacher you want to become and as much hard it may sound, try to be a support to your family. And continue making dua to Allah (swt) to give guidance to your respected family. And, always thanks Allah (swt) for making you born in a Muslim family!
And inshaAllah, when the time is right, you can get married and have a family of your own.
May Allah (swt) make your challenges, your tests easy for you.
Takecare of yourself.
Your sister, Parveen
-x-
Also sister, I know you know this that the following acts are sinful:
* your respected mother being in relationship with a non-mahram.
* your younger sister comes home around mid-night
* your other younger sister comes home around 5am as she works in night-club as a security guard
None of the above is good, especially your younger sisters coming home really late. SubhanAllah, you are only 20 yourself amd your sisters are younger than you. If you can try to involve one of your trusted extended family to give your sisters appropraite advice. And as we are living in a double standard society, it is not appropriate and safe for girls to stay out till late hours. They are ruining their chance of marrying a good brother.
I don't want you to stress over it. InshaAllah, if you have told them at least once that it is wrong and sinful, then that is enough and leave the rest to Allah (swt) because you already mentioned that they don't give you any respect. That is why I am trying to say to inform a trusted and respectful family member (uncle, aunty, granddad, grandmother)
InshaAllah, I am hoping a more knowledgable member in here may give you a better advice to you regarding your younger sisters.
May Allah (swt) keep you, your mother and your sisters safe. And, May he guide us all to His straight path. Ameen.
Well said sister Parveen, Mashallah.
Ameen.
Hmmm I think you should not think about marriage at this time, because your so young marsallah you have so much time, I got married when I was 24 to the love of my life, still is not the same when you were single sometimes I wish I listen to my mother when she told me and my sister finish your education first enjoy your life then get married, marrige is hard kids are hard everything will change, so if I were you I would work things out with my mother first and see what will happen then later on insallah you can think about marriage.
I think you should get married as soon as possible with a good brother and be in an islamic environment and start your own family. You should still keep contact with your family and treat them with respect . But it would be easier if you were away from them.
My dear sister Aliyah,
I dont know if my message will reach to you or not being quite old post.
I pray and hope that you would be doing better if not best.
I can understand your feelings and thoughts, you had somewhat some things similar as mine. I used to be 'best' daughter to my mother but when i tried to raise my voice against her flaws and faults (in respectful manners) , i became a bad daughter. i could never had emotional pampering from her. My family has been ignorant in terms of practicing Islam, but when whether in past or present tried to improve myself in light of islam like offering saleh, following islamic dress code etc, i was never appreciated nor encouraged by her. i longed for her appreciation but had never. i tried to serve her to my best capacity but i am a human being after all, i also have my limitations, but inspite of doing my best, i could not win her heart. Since i had no guidance from her nor any support, in between i had become some sort of burden on her for not been able to get married, this resulted in my going astray (haram relationship) but thankfully i came out of it, allah (Swt) saved me, i realized my mistakes and really repenting for it. But you see, I am 30 by age today, but i am still struggling to reconcile my relation with her. The more i give in, the less it seemed to her. its so frustrating and painful when the one who gave birth to you does not understand you and mostly criticise you for one reason or another. but i am still trying my best to serve her.
Based on my personal experiences, i would say that you keep your focus on your studies and learning more about /practicing Islam. Keep yourself safe from getting into any haram relationship. Keep reminding yourself that Allah (Swt) alone is sufficient for you. and that our beloved prophet (pbuh) were an orphan.
Once you settled down in terms of education and job , then you can go for your marriage with some pious Muslim man.
I wish you good luck.
Your Sister