Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry my fiance after news of her previous relationship?

Broken trust

Salam,

I am a moderate Muslim who is trying my best to be an even better one. I am 27 years old and come from a strong Muslim family. I have never been in a relationship in my past or committed zina ever.

Recently, I met a sister online who is also 27 years old, from another country. She is a good Muslimah to the best of my knowledge and I trust her with it. She also comes from a strong Muslim family. I like the character of this sister and she is a girl who prays regularly and takes sunnah fast often.

So I asked for her hand for Nikkah from her father, and she accepted my proposal. We are speakers of entirely different native languages because we both are from two different countries. I wanted her to speak my language, as she will be coming to live with me after marriage and my mom doesn’t speak English well.

So while we were going through this process of learning each other's languages, we shared each other’s interests and views about many topics and talked about Islam a lot. We both encouraged each other to be good Muslims always.

As this was going on, she revealed that she had had several boyfriends in the past and one among them had had close physical interactions with her, like kissing her lips and touching her private parts through her dress. She had also revealed herself naked in front of him through video calls many times and they masturbated to each other. She hid this from me and didn’t mention it until after we decided to marry each other, up until five months of contact!

That makes me feel like I've been betrayed. I don’t know what I should do now with this information, as I know we have to select a partner who is good in Deen for a halal marriage, a good future, and for the kids we raise with our spouse. At present, she says she regrets and repents for it very much and has never done anything like that after the breakup with this ex-boyfriend 2 years ago. But it is difficult for me to accept the fact that the woman I am going to marry has done these things with other guys before me.

Please guide me with light as to whether I should consider marrying her now, considering her past that she hid from me, even though she regrets it. Will this woman be a good wife for me in the future and a good mother for my children? What should I do? As of right now, I am not talking with this girl anymore, I am seeking knowledge, and wanting to know how to make a correct decision in this regard.

Please help me with this confusion to make a correct and right decision. May Allah SWT reward you with his blessings for your help. Jazak Allah Khair...!!

Muhammad


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9 Responses »

  1. I agree with you. If i asked the question, it means id want to know the details of her (potential wife's) sexual history, and if she tells me i expect her to be honest with me if she's really interesred to be my wife. I may have to press the questiobs a few times and "gently cross examine", but if she just completely honest with such a thing id be more rest assured that she will be honest in other areas with me. The degree of her past sexual activity before she met me can be up for discussion, but ultimately it is her business, but should stay in the past. What im really wanting to know is sexual health, std's, etc.

    There's nothing worse than a woman who lies about something early on in a relationship, even if it trivial. It mean possible more lies in store. But if u dont want to know, dont ask. If a woman says shes had boyfriends before, physical interections, sex chats on webcam, AND says shes still a virgin, its most likely a lie. If shes willing to lie about that, its a pretty big lie! Best to keep it simple and casual, waiting for the next lie to be revealed. And she will make YOU feel guilty about HER lies.

    However if she was forthcoming and open with the truth, and not merely paying lip service to what u want to hear, then it could be the start of a strong relationship built on trust and honesty, to which her past "indiscretions" should mean nothing to you, especually if u value her a wife and a person.

    • Salaam brother .

      Stop searching for problems because you will eventually find them . Everyone has something hidden in the closet so let's not act pure . You're going into this marriage with wrong mindset

      You need to lose this self entitlement that you have . The girl doesn't need to disclose this information and she shouldn't have . It's something from her past which she has regretted and repended from hence why she's the good girl today . She clearly disclose this information because she thought it would give a good start to the marriage. Also make an effort to learn her language too . The world doesn't evolve around you

      And also please consider you're age , you're pushing 27 and not married I would consider this woman if she's good however you don't have to take her . You're also deserving of a woman with no history if that's what you want . If she's good woman then take her . Her past is her past as long as she regrets. Life has ups and downs and she came back to Islam and that's what matters and is enough. If she can teach the kids that it's good.

  2. If she has repented from that sin remorsefully to Allaah Azza wa Jalla, she has no obligation to tell them to you. Allaah has hidden that sin from people, so she should not expose her sins to the world. Allaah dislikes people who sin and then tells other people about that.

    Accept her as she is now because when she repented, Allaah forgave and erased her sins. Who are you that you want to hold her into account to her sins forever?

  3. Asalamualaykum Brother Muhammad,

    You write:

    "I like the character of this sister and she is a girl who prays regularly and takes sunnah fast often"

    "She accepted my proposal"

    "She says she regrets and repents for [her sins] very much and has never done anything like that [since] 2 years ago."

    It sounds like you are looking for perfection, which you will never find....the only difference here is that she has actually revealed her sins to you out of honest character, if perhaps ill-advised. In this day and age you will not find many girls who even pray regularly. I think you should let her past be in the past as Allah has forgiven her, and strive to do the same.

    In fact, it is probably because she committed that sin that she has become a practicing and good Muslim now, alhamdullilah for Allah's mercy.

    Moreover, she accepted your proposal and she didn't have to do this. Never take acceptance lightly, as it is just as important as you proposing. She trusted you enough to accept, so you should now give her the benefit of the doubt and follow through with your actions.

    Best to you brother,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

  4. You need to leave her because she was not honest with you. Who know's how many more lies she has hidden and won't tell you. In the future, she will reveal each different sin day by day which is a common thing with cheaters and you will be more heartbroken, do you really want that? The fact that she even revealed her sin to you should have been a sign that she is not the one for you, Allah says righteous men are made for righteous women. So you should seek someone else.

    Btw where is she from?

    • I doubt she has done much if she comes from a strong Muslim family and anyway its for god to judge and only he knows what she been doing. We should judge what's in front of our eyes and not in our head.

      Perhaps the girl has only made that sin and is actually a good one. The brother would be at loss if he let that one go. Also the brother is quite old 27 and the girl is 27. Women get rare and rare as they get older after 30 you would have to marry a divorced girl or those girls who thought putting their career ahead of their marriage was good idea.

      • There are many brothers and sisters that are 27 and unmarried, many are still trying to find the right one because they don't want to rush into bad relationship. She admitted she had several boyfriend and had even got intimate with them, who knows if she even had sex with one of them. Women like this are not trustworthy partners because they likely have a habit of doing it again and that is why our parents advise us to find a girl with a good background, a common thing in many cultures.

        Also, the brother said he was a virgin before meeting her while she wasn't. Tell me why he should settle with less with a non-virgin wife? He deserves a woman that is chaste just like since it his right.

        • She repented.

          Allaah erased her sins.

          She became a practicing, honest Muslimah, that even though she doesn't need to reveal her sins, she told the guy.

          She's a gem.

          If this guy doesn't accept her, may Allaah send her a better person who will love her and accept her as she is, a person who has repented and forgiven.

          All the sons and daughters of Adam are sinners, and the best of them are the Tawwaboon, the one who repents.

  5. I would think twice about moving forward or not. She revealed a lot. She went deep into her secrets and who knows she may have done deeper stuff and doesn’t want to reveal It all. If you are not comfortable then don’t marry her. It will kill you. You will always vision and think about her past life with several of her boyfriends. The fact that she revealed to you these things after you both agreed to be together is surely a sign. You have done nothing wrong asking for a chaste woman in your life. It’s only fair as you have saved yourself and you deserve the right person.

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