IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Assalaamu alaikum,

I would like to get your opinion on an important issue that has occupied me for a long time. I would be very happy if you could help.

I am 51 years old, got married 22 years ago, and have a 19 year old son. Unfortunately, some time after our marriage we realized that my wife and I were not compatible in education, culture, upbringing, and religion. Although I am older, experienced, more sensitive to religious duties and much more educated than my wife, she always expected me to adapt to her own lifestyle, which I did not approve of. Even though I made concessions from time to time for the continuation of the marriage, I later realized that I had made a mistake, because her lifestyle was far from a religious-integrated lifestyle (e.g. no 5 times prayer, no hijab, sincere communication with other men like her colleagues, relatives, etc).

Because of this incompatibility, we had many arguments and thought of divorce a few times. However, respecting the hadith "Divorce is the most unpleasant thing in the sight of Allah", we have given up divorce every time, in the hope that "incompatibility will decrease in time". However, over time, these inconsistencies increased rather than decreasing, and our discussions got bigger. Parallel to the increase in these incompatibilities and arguments, the love, respect and sexual desires towards each other have decreased to almost non-existent. Especially, my sexual reluctance towards her has increased in the last few years and has reached the point where it can be said that it is almost non-existent. Since I no longer feel the desire to have sexual intercourse with her, I force myself to have sexual intercourse with her once a week or every 15 days in order to fulfill my responsibility towards my wife in this regard. For this purpose, I sometimes take special supplements before intercourse. In short, sexual intercourse with my wife gives me more distress than pleasure, which my wife is aware of. In addition, our marriage in general has become a kind of "marriage fatigue". However, we still love each other, which is why we couldn't realize divorcing so far.

On the other hand, since I have a high sensual character, I unfortunately cannot prevent my soul from thinking bad things and doing sinful acts (for example, looking at haram, sometimes doing istimna a few times a week, etc.). I also worry that one day in the future I will follow the devil and turn to adultery.

I told my wife that "since we are not a compatible couple, we had constant arguments due to our growing and growing incompatibilities from the very beginning of our marriage, my love for her was gradually decreasing, and my sexual desire was almost completely lost. I said that I want to marry a second wife, but she did not accept this and said that in such a case, she would apply to court to divorce me.

In this case, I seriously started to consider divorcing and told her about it so that neither of us would argue further and commit sins. If we get divorced, we can both get rid of sin by marrying different people and fulfilling our sexual functions more often, and we can also benefit from the "goodness of sexual intercourse". My wife does not want to divorce me, but left the final decision to me. I, on the other hand, cannot decide which approach would be more correct and beneficial, as I had a hard time deciding to end a 22-year marriage;

1) Continuing the marriage?
In that case, I would probably use pills, pastes, etc. to have sexual intercourse with her. I will continue to force myself using drugs. There may also be a risk of continuing sinful behavior such as looking at haram and istimna (masturbation) and perhaps even turning to bigger sins in the future.

OR

2) Divorcing?
In this case, there is a possibility that both people might marry someone else who is compatible with themselves, so that they will be happier both in general family life and sexuality, that both of us will get rid of the sensual sins that we have fallen into in our current marriage, and even "earn rewards by having intercourse between them (wife/husband) more often. 

OR

3) Marrying a second wife?
Since my wife will not accept this situation if she knows, this could only happen without informing her of it. So in order to not get her upset/crazy, I may look for marrying a second wife who lives in another city or country and is compatible with me in education, culture, religion, child rearing and sexuality (of course, only if I come across such a person). Although it would be very hard, I would try to treat them both fairly (apart from sex).

What should be the correct way from Islamic point of view, or what is your advice to me about this?

Since I have to go abroad for a long time for work these days, I want to make a decision and explain it to my wife before I go.
Thank you very much in advance, hope to hear from you soon.

May Allah bless you.
Best regards.