Should we get married now that we’re doing things the right way?
Salam,
I have been in a relationship with a boy for 2 years. We have done zina but not intercourse. However we have bettered ourselves - we only speak for 4 reasons: Islam, marriage, business and education and sometimes health. We don't see each other any more and are trying to do it the halal way. However I suffer severely from depression and anxiety and feel so angry easily. I want to get married but fear my mental illness will affect it. I always pray to Allah whatever is right for me please give it to me whether it's him or not. I've done istikharah but haven't seen anything or felt anything everything's normal. I sometimes feel he's right and we're doing it the right way so maybe it'll be good but other times I get angry for no reason and want to search for someone else. I am really mad. I am 18 years old and will be turning 19 in 6 months. I feel the need to get married because I am alone at home I'm lonely, I want company, I want a husband there for me and I want some happiness at the same time I don't want to get married because I fear it will all go wrong and because it started haram it may end bad. Please can you advise me.
Random555
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Wa alaikum salaam sister,
I feel and understand the anxiety and pain you must be going through, and the obvious sense of loneliness.
However that said, the reasons you have suggested are not legitimate or necessary for you to talk with this non mahram who is and was your boyfriend. Honestly, you are probably just finding ways to keep contact with him, instead of actually wanting to talk about those specific things. Plus the 4 topics of conversation you have given are so general that anything can come underneath them, in business you can talk about your day, how it went and after which its very easy for the conversation to go into other things.
I do not want to chastise you as i understand the position you are in, you are so close to doing it the halal way except one thing, you are still in contact with this guy.
Firstly, I would say straight up, go get married, you have done istikhara now take action but you, will need your parents consent, so consult them first.
Secondly, do not worry about your depression and anxiety, your husband will be able to help you with that, insha Allah guaranteed, if its this guy then good, if not then it will be someone else, Allah has destined for you your husband.
Thirdly, your emotions and feelings are very toxic which isnt the sign of a healthy relationship if its like this now imagine how itll be in marriage? You arent doing it the halal way due to being in contact with him, you need to involve your mahram, if you havent then its not halal, thus its not right. Cut off contact with this guy for your own sake and benefit sister, and so you can recover and look at things clearly.
Fourthly, accept the decision whichever way it may go and trust in Allah, if this guy is good for you you will get him sooner or later, if not there will be someone else. The fact that you are now emotionally caught up after a relationship with him could mean that youll find it hard to accept and may not see the truth in the matter.
Fifthly, for your loneliness, you need to become active, do something, read, write, get involved in courses.
Sixthly, learn to love Allah, this is not just for you, but for me too, because if we learn to love Allah which is true pure love, then we wont feel as hugely attached or hugely needing the love of the creation. Loving Allah will bring you true happiness and contentment, your future husband will make you angry, upset you and more, its natural, but Allah wont.
Assalam alaikum,
If you make your husband the source of your happiness, you will never truly be happy. You need to learn to be comfortable with yourself and learn to be happy with yourself through your relationship with Allah swt. Any other definition of happiness will shatter it.
I suggest that you completely stop talking in secret with this boy. Focus on your relationship with Allah swt. Repent for the relationship with the boy. If he is sincere and you are sincere, then it isn't impossible for the both of you to be married. There is no other way to say all this--it really is this simple.
May Allah swt help you with your decision and help you to remain steadfast, Ameen.