He had an affair because I was mean
Assalamualaikum,
I am in desperate need of help. My husband had an affair with his cousin, someone he loved for 5 years before our marriage, her parents refused to get him married to her so he looked for other proposals and got married to me. He didnt like me from the very beginning our marriage was only based on istikhaara , after marriage he moved to another country where i was living and he had to find a job during the 9 months till he found the job we had constant arguments and inside he hated my guts but never expressed, then he went to the USA to see his family and I went to India to see mine where he re-met with his cousin who proposed him for marriage and being his second wife, when he came back I was already pregnant and when i learnt this I was in tears , all through my pregnancy I was in tears , I changed my ways so i could please him , yet till today he goes back to that first year where we didnt agree on things.
He started an affair whilst I was pregnant and i had no clue about this, for one whole year even after my child was born , he even invited her here when i was back home and they had physical relations too. After that year we went to the states for a family function thats when he saw how i was with his family also and his love for his child grew more , he came back and decided to end his affair thats when the cousin told me herself of what had gone on the past year, it broke my heart.
Even though I try hard to please him he always reminds me that he had an affair because i was mean to him in the first year of marriage and even though i have changed he would be much happier with her and that he loved her for her innocence and doesnt like my nature.
So I am confused, she is his cousin meaning always in the family and someday or the other our paths will cross ,I am afraid that he might go back to her and i know he is unhappy with me but i have tried everything to please him dont think anything is left on my end , he agrees but at the same time brings back the old things so i feel he is better off with her , perhaps i can show him how much I love him by giving him his true happiness which is marriage with that girl and i know for sure i cannot share so will disappear from the picture , but what about my child , there is so much confusion in my mind that I need help to figure this out , should I let go of him to his happiness and live the pain because i love him or what else can i do?
Sadiaq
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Assalamu alaykum Sister Sadia,
I have known of men having affairs as soon as their wives get pregnant and in recent times I am hearing these cases more and more in greater frequency.
I do not know why they do this. Allah knows best. But they do it.
It is not your being mean which can be a reason for an affair. It is his choice by which he has affair. If you were mean he could have told you : Sadia, I am tired of living with you, let us get separated. I shall take my way and you take yours.
But he rather became the father of your child and began an affair on the other side or who knows the affair was ever continuing one? Allah knows, we don't.
And a cousin who has an affair with a married man cannot be an innocent women. She too would be a woman with full conciousness of her actions and the affair would be by choice.
The Qur'an lays such beautiful guidelines, people forget and bring sufferings to their aakhirah and the dunya of those associated with them, but Allah would surely help the believers overcome the hardships in life.
Does every human being hope to get entry in to Jannah? Then let him look at who will be allowed to enter the Garden:
19. Lo! man was created anxious,
20. Fretful when evil befalleth him
21. And, when good befalleth him, grudging;
22. Save worshippers
23. Who are constant at their worship
24. And in whose wealth there is a right acknowledged
25. For the beggar and the destitute;
26. And those who believe in the Day of Judgment,
27. And those who are fearful of their Lord's doom
28. Lo! the doom of their Lord is that before which none can feel secure
29. And those who preserve their chastity
30. Save with their wives and those whom their right hands possess, for thus they are not blameworthy;
31. But whoso seeketh more than that, those are they who are transgressors;
32. And those who keep their pledges and their covenant.
33. And those who stand by their testimony
34. And those who are attentive at their worship,
35. These will dwell in Gardens, honored.
36. What aileth those who disbelieve, that they keep staring toward thee (O Muhammad), open eyed,
37. On the right and on the left, in groups?
38. Doth every man among them hope to enter the Garden of Delight? - Surah Al Ma'rij.
Chastity is not just showing off the body or not, it also involves emotional involvement like talking and developing friendship and place in hearts for each other and love without marriage for someone who is non mahram, someone who is not lawful to do those things with.
Surah 23. Al-Muminun
1. Successful indeed are the believers
2. Who are humble in their prayers,
3. And who shun vain conversation,
4. And who are payers of the poor due;
5. And who guard their modesty
6. Save from their wives or the (slaves) that their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy,
7. But whoso craveth beyond that, such are transgressors,
The answer to your question lies in the below verses, Insha Allah, if you read the verses 10 times, you will find your answer in it all 10 times Insha Allah:
128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing. - Surah An Nisaa.
Insha Allah, you will find all answers to life in the Qur'an. Human advices lack divine wisdom, Allah's Word will never lead you astray. Insha Allah.
May Allah give peace of reassurance to your heart soon and make you content with what He has given you.
Take care of your health, your child and ask Allah for help constantly and thank Him and Praise Him. May Allah bring you in His mercy.
Salaam,
Your brother.
As salamu alaykum sister Sadiaq,
He knows he acted wrong and blame it on you, this is called "the best defense is to attack", not a healthy way of behaving. Stay firm and straight on your feet sister and tell him that if he loves her that he should just be honest to everyone, divorce you and marry her instead of commiting zina and cheating on you in one of the periods a woman most need her husband.
He did wrong, he should acknowledge it and repent from it instead of blaming it on you, you were the innocent in all this situation, his cousin didn´t act so innocent consenting on commiting zina and betraying you with him.
Blaming his own faults on others it is a very coward way of behaving, but anyway, you love him and you want to give him a try, at this point, I think he loves you too and is conscious of the damage he has done to you and all your efforts to mantain the marriage, I don´t think that at this time he would marry his cousin, a woman reveals a betrayal when she herself feels betrayed, then sounds that he was tough on her about breaking. All of this is my personal opinion.
To give it a try, lets see, have an appointment with him to talk, ask him to let you talk all that you have to say and when you finish, he will talk as much as he wants.
Talk smoothly, quietly, try to be calm, don´t attack, just talk about the way you are living the situation and that you forgive him and her, that you acknowledge his suffering marrying you loving other one, but now you are his wife and you want to begin from cero and you would like to know if he wants to give a chance to your marriage.
Now let him talk to you, as much as he wants, don´t worry if he attacks, it is His "modus operandi" until he feels safe with you and learn that you love him unconditionally, at the end if he hasn´t arrived to any conclusions ask again if he wants to give your marriage an opportunity and if he wants to try to fall in love with you.
If he says yes, take the bag of Patience, Compassion, Forgiveness, Perseverance, unconditional Love and Respect and give a try to your marriage, put your cousin in law on a side, be grateful for your blessings, get closer to Allah(swt) and move on with your life, little by little, instead of tears, smiles from Heart, instead of fear, confident and straight behaviour, instead of insecurities, a loving and caring hand, instead of low self steem, the shine of a straight muslimah, insha´Allah.
The world is yours, my beloved sister, Insha´Allah. May Allah(swt) guide, help and bless you to be the best you can be in this lifetime. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sadiaq,
In my book, both your husband and his cousin are adulterers...period. I think you should think more about what your needs are right now...not theirs.
Salam
Salaam Saiq,
I am sorry that you are going through this pain of not knowing where you stand, and where your husband's heart lies.
In truth, your husband had an affair because he wanted to have an affair. The only person responsible for his actions is him, and no one can make a man do what he does not want to do - and no one can stop a man from doing what he wants to do.
A man (or woman) either has morals, or does not have morals. Those with morals will adhere to them even at the height of adversity, misery and provocation. Those who do not, will falter at every opportunity and some will even seek out opportunity and use it as an excuse.
Do not take any responsibility for his actions. We all know that we are all responsible for our own actions. Your husband is avoiding responsiblity so the first step for you is to be very very firm in your own mind that "no one makes any one do anything". Be very firm on this, and hold fast to this truth because it will enable you to come out of this brainwash situation where you are being convinced to believe that you actually have the ability to make your husband do things that he does not want to do.
If you put a man on a cliff edge and try and convince him to jump he will not jump - why then is it so easy to make him do other things, even when it was not your intention to do so?
Come out of this hypnosis at once. Open your eyes and your mind: see clearly the truth from the falsehood. Act accordingly. Be firm in yourself and do not fear anything at all.
In regards to your husband, his behaviour suggests that his heart and mind are elsewhere - he is suffering from " the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome, where his current life will always pale in comparison to the fantasy world that he has created in his imaginings of what life would be like with another person, another time, another place. This is an avoidance of his responsiblties and he is avoiding his responsiblities by comparing them to a pretence - an ideal - an unreasliable truth which he has created in his own mind.
The only way to remedy this is to either attend marriage counselling together, or to give him the freedom to go. Normally, when a person is faced with the reality of things: it shocks them into connecting with reality and gives them a state of awareness that they did not have before. There is always a possibility that they will go - however it is not the common outcome. The way to do this is to say "husband, if you want to have a different life to this one, I give you my blessing, you are free to go - I will not make it hard for you, the choice is yours" and then wait. First, there will be fighting and blaming and arguments: and he will try to make you responsbile for what he does. Stick to your statement "I will not take responsiblity for your actions, not now - not ever" - when he asks you what do you want, you tell him "I want you to make a decision" - stay calm and not give in to the temptation to enter combat - stay focused on resolution. Then, there will be tears where a lot of the feelings come out, he will say hurtful things, he may cry, he may walk out in anger - all of this is his emotions coming out. After, there will be quiet and hurt and pain and you will feel massive sympathy and be tempted to pity him and give in and accept everything. Do not. Then, inshaAllah, there will be a sincere opening of the eyes, a sincere recognitiion of what is going on and a speak about investment into your relationship. This process can take days, it can take weeks - but as long as you are solid in your stance, and accepting of the outcomes - this process can purfiy a lot of the posion and toxins that can pollute a marriage. These things must be purfied and put to rest so that you can move on. When everything is calm, when he is open again and has released his feelings - he will be able to hear you again. In that moment, you can tell him that you want to have a successful marriage, and you want him to choose the life that he wants and be sincere and committed to that choice - to let go of the past, to stop blaming you for his actions. When everything is calm like this - the two of you will be able to move forward and bond again.
It is a hard process - and it takes a great deal of emotional strength and discpline because people have a tendency to do whatever they can to avoid taking responsibility and accepting that they did wrong. Attempting to convince someone that they are wrong is inviting a fight - rather, it is better to refuse to accept responsiblity and push them to come to their own conclusions through absolute convinction and committment to the truth. It is the truth that gives us the power to go through this process. In the meantime, some emotional support for you in the form of a close friend, family member or counsellor will also help you to resist all attempts at making you believe what is simply not true.
I pray you strength, support and success in your quest.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Editor, Islamic Answers
Jazakallah, Brother and sisters for the advice, Sabr is what I have learnt as things stand now, my husband never ill treated me then and was leading a double life and even today he never ill treats me so I dont know if he still has a double life, however I dont have an option but to have Sabr and see if in time they really get back together and I guess if they do I will have to go my way and let them carry on as they please , but if he doesnt go to her and she gets married elsewhere, thats when life might be better only Allah knows.
Are there any duas for improving one's sabr ?
As salamu alaykum sister sadiaq,
Nice to know about you, you have a link on dua at the top of the page, make dua from Heart, Allah(swt) listens to us all, Alhamdulillah.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor