Confession about pornography and masturbation
Assalam o Allaikum,
Alright, where do I begin? So last year I got married, Alhumdulillah. And might I just add that, Alhumdulillah, my husband is a wonderful guy and he's very loving, caring and accepting of me as a whole, MashAllah. However, the issue is that we're still very young, we're both students (I'm just 17 and he's only 20!) and so we're currently in a long distance relationship. We were together for 3 months after marriage, in which time we used to get intimate. And then I had to come live somewhere very, VERY far away (as in we only see one another through a computer screen for 6 whole months). So in that time I was alright, and this is the second time.
But the thing is that a few months ago, he confessed to me that he watched pornography BEFORE we were married, and he said that he no longer watches it (and Alhumdulillah, I believe him). But he occasionally jokes around with me about him having watched it, (and that's fine- it's great that he can open up to me and stuff), but that just made me wonder what it was like- as I've never watched porn.
So a few weeks later, I was up late night at on the laptop, everyone was asleep, and Shaitan got the best of me. I knew that I shouldn't, but I just couldn't keep myself away so I opened up a website and found myself thoroughly disturbed. As a matter of fact, I felt so upset that I called my husband and confessed to him and he said it's okay, "just repent to Allah SWT, I know you feel guilty, He'll forgive you, InshAlllah." Later, once I had gotten a hold of myself, he said "don't think I'm not up set with you, I'm very disappointed, I'm just trying to not make it any worse for you than it already is." I never did it again- that is until now.
Okay, so this is the second time around that we're having to live without one another, and then around last week I did it again, but I did something worse. I found myself knowingly feeling guilty thinking, "what would Allah SWT think of me, what would my husband think of me?" I masturbated. I couldn't pull my hands away from my body, and finally when I did, I decided to watch a few clips. Nothing crazy- not even clips, just look at images here and there to ease my desires. So I did that twice again (not the masturbation, but the porn), and I decided that "no, this is wrong and it needs to stop! this is not who I am, what a hypocrite I'd be if i discouraged my husband from doing it and then did it myself."
So I stopped that, but today once again I masturbated- and alarmed at my actions, I realized I need help before this gets too far. I'm fearful of Allah SWT and His punishment. InshAllah, I intend on fasting tomorrow, to help practice self-control, but do you have any other advice for me that would help me keep myself away from such filth?
And also, must I tell my husband? Did I do injustice upon one of his Islamic rights? Am I required to confess and ask him to forgive me too? I want to, because we both don't hide things from one another; but as we're in a long distance relationship, I don't want him to lose his faith in me and think that I'm untrustworthy. But if I don't my guilty conscience would kill me.
Thank you!
-anonymous500
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Wa'alaikumusalam warehmatullah e wabarakatuhu!
Read very very carefully,
You'r already trapped. You are between two thoughts. One is good and one is bad. The good part is that you knew it is a sin. The bad part is that you have already developed a psyche of repeating it again and again. No issues it is very simple to quit it. I'll give you plenty of options to select, read the following options,
1. You are already married even then no issues, just see the other options below.
2. Masturbation, is a mechanism. Once you activate it. It becomes like a triggering mechanism. It repeats itself in a timely manner. And when it starts to explode itself, it provokes thoughts deep in your mind through defensive mechanism (in your case it is like "at this time you are already impure so you can do it"), and through whispers of the devil (cursed). See, this is how it works. The remedy is possible. The time you feel that you have high sexual urge don't see porn. Just simply read a book, or play a video game, or chat with your husband at that time, or interact with your mom. This has a high probability that it will work out to help you quitting this habit a lot. More options are as follows, read below.
3. Reciting and reading the Qur'an with full understanding is really important. Once you engage yourself in it insha'Allaah the door of your heart will open and the light of faith will enter into your heart. Amen! Once that happen you will feel complete and eventually you will quit this habit automatically. You will start hating it. [This option will take time to develop]
4. If you are feeling extreme loneliness and anxiety. Then it has a plus point as well as a negative point. Plus point is that it will teach you to be strong and make you to remember Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) a lot. The negative point is the obvious one. The one is masturbation. The other points are feeling low in energy and self esteem because you lack interaction with the people. (Psychological point of view)
Whatever, is the case. Increase your plus points for yourself.
5. This is the most important point you need to consider. Remember, YOU CAME IN THIS WORLD ALONE. AND YOU WILL GO FROM THIS WORLD ALONE. IN BETWEEN THE LIFE AND DEATH YOU HAVE MOMENTS. IT CONTAINS THE PIECES OF YOUR BREATH. IT CONTAINS THE FOOD YOU EAT. AND SO MANY THINGS THAT I AM UNABLE TO MENTION HERE. AND EVERY SINGLE ACTION YOU DO. PEOPLE WILL REMAIN PEOPLE. YOU WILL REMAIN YOU. YOURSELF IS YOURSELF. SO, EVERY ACTION YOU DO WILL SUFFICE FOR YOU ON THE JUDGEMENT DAY INSHA'ALLAAH AND YOU WILL GO TO JANNAAH BY THE WILL OF ALLAAH. AMEN
6. So, cheer up. And whenever you feel the need of sexual desire to fulfill. Don't do things which will ignite your desire more. Like watching porn. (I will not quote the Qur'an here). Simply, look yourself into the mirror for 10 minutes and do this in the day time, whenever you feel the sexual urge and read point no.5 and think about it. Don't do it in the night time because our last Prophet and the last Messenger Muhammad (sal lal laho elahe wasallam) prohibited to looking at the mirror in night. I will again not quote the supporting hadith here.
7. Once you do point no. 6. Insha'Allaah you will be able to differentiate between "YOURSELF" and the "PEOPLE" around you. Once you "FEEL" the difference between "YOURSELF" and "PEOPLE", you will realize that the only thing matters the most is "YOU". Insha'Allaah! Amen
8. If any of the points above don't work for you ina lil lahe waina elahe rajeoun then do this,
"masturbation connects you with yourself? Correct!". (Psychologically speaking)
"In itself masturbation is a bad habit?" Correct!
"Why to masturbate?" To release the depressive thought patterns of your mind (psychologically speaking) Correct!
"Is masturbation permitted in Islam?" Big room to debate. Corrrect! Don't go too deep searching for topics of masturbation.
Then what to do?
Release your depression of mind through exercise. Through busying your self with good habits. That's it.
Once you do that your problem is solved. Insha'Allaah! Amen!
Buy a game that you can play on the TV. Or XBox. Things like that. Include your mom in it, you do have a husband. Make your husband your best friend. Focus on your study more. And this is how things will work out insha'Allaah. That is the only remedy. And please don't leave praying 5 times a day. Otherwise, you will be destroyed mentally. And become a partner with the devil unknowingly.
Do as above what I said and things will work out for you insha'Allaah. And I hope you do fasting in Ramadan as well.
LET THE LIGHT OF FAITH RISE IN YOUR HEART. DO FASTING IN RAMADAN CAUSE IT IS MANDATORY.
A secret: "THE BIGGEST BLESSING IN YOUR LIFE AFTER FAITH AND BELIEF IS THE REMEMBRANCE OF ALLAAH (SUBHANAHU WA TA'ALA)".(NEVER FORGET THIS) And to remember Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) you need to be clean at all time. So, these are pretty simple rules to follow. Get yourself addicted to following these rules, as said above. Simple resolution.
Allaah Knows the Best.
Salaams,
To me the only remedy to this situation is to end the long distance part of the relationship. I would suggest doing everything you can so that you can go live where he is, or vice versa. If you can't manage that right away, then you need to increase your visits with one another.
In the absence of that, the only other option is to release your sexual energy with one another while still yet apart, as I'm sure he's probably facing the same frustrations and feelings of desire that you are. Can you skype together, or at least talk on the phone regularly? I also share the opinion of our Chief Editor (Wael) that masturbation is not outrightly prohibited in Islam in extenuating circumstances, which is certainly your situation. In my view it would be better for you both to have phone/skype sex between your real-life visits, than to view porn and masturbate on your own. If you don't feel comfortable with that, at least masturbate to thoughts and fantasies of your husband and not the pornography. I don't think it's reasonable to expect a young, married couple to function well in complete sexual abstinance.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Amy, I also agree that masturbation is not out-rightly prohibited in Islam in extenuating circumstances. But do you think it's safe to have phone/skype sex with her husband. Or maybe you meant something else?
Salaams,
I'm not sure what you mean by "safe". I think given the fact that she's already dabbling in porn, and he has a history of it as well, it's better for them to do that with one another than NOT do it and continue to be tempted with porn.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I thought you meant they should do that on the internet, since you mentioned phone/skype, but it seems to me now that you meant they should take video of one another during their real-life visits (in person), right?
Issah,If I am not wrong she is suggesting they should do a sex video chat via Skype to satisfy themselves, which involves removing clothes in front of the computer, flashing their private organs to each other and masturbating.
Well, Skype is a live video connection through the internet, so yes that's what I meant- virtual videoconference.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Oh ok. But don't you think they could be watched by the skype administration or something? This is what I meant by "safe". If there is a chance that they could be watched by anyone then, I think it would be better to hide their aurah, and learn to become patient.
I've heard people express that concern before, but me personally I haven't heard enough evidence of that actually happening to advise against it. Of course anything can be hacked, but Skype is a program so I doubt there are admins sitting around monitoring it(we don't even do that on this website 24/7). If someone were watching, considering how many people use Skype at any given time in that manner, I think the chances of them being watched in particular are very low- almost nonexistent. Plus, there are so many ways for people to view sexual stuff easily, I doubt hacking into Skype tops the list.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If one or both their computers or devices is hacked,then there is good chance of they be blackmailed for their online sexual escapades or it may get posted on the internet to be viewed by millions apart from the chances of Skype administrations watching their activities.
Ok. I see.
Though, I'd rather suggest that they be deeply romantic to each other, without showing their Aurah for security reasons, and then (after they get off on skype) they may masturbate after that privately, if they wish so.
Anyway, may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala ease things for them and protect them, by His Mercy. Ameen!
Jazakillahu Khair.
I meant "after they get off from the skype", they may masturbate privately if they wish so.
Even if husband and wife engage in phone sex or Skype they will involve doing masturbation again. And it is not physical. Even if I agree to what you are saying is right then there is a chance that both will crave for more sex. In this case real sex. And if either she or her husband don't find one another physically they will start searching for one in their location. And this will open a dangerous door for them. It is possible. So, I am silent I am not saying "Yes" and not saying "No".
Allaah Knows the Best!
I think to suggest her to have phone/skype sex between their real-life visits is a bad idea because, what if her husband latches on to this idea, gets addicted to phone/skype sex and does the same with other women online behind her back, also she might fall into such similar sin, like she started watching porn out of curiosity after her husband confessed to her about his porn watching habit.
Salaams,
Sure, that could happen. But it could happen whether they do it or not. That's a temptation for everyone, and since many porn and other sites offer "live chats/video" with other real people, it could be a temptation there as well.
I don't think that people are as likely to get addicted to haram things in general if they are doing something similar with their spouse. That's almost like saying having sex with one's spouse in real time can make someone more horny and tempt them to commit adultery, and I've never heard someone advise a couple to avoid sex for that reason lol.
Ultimately it's what she and he can handle. Some people can handle certain things where others cannot, but it's still an option to consider.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
When you agree it could happen,it could happen whether they do it or not, but then why lead them into it which can open many more doors of sins. Temptations are everywhere, but we don't justify them for committing sinful acts, as we have be warned about them in the scriptures in advance.
Some people do get tempted to haram things in general if they are doing something similar with their spouse, yes having sex with one's spouse in real time can make someone more horny and tempt them to commit adultery, especially in case of men with high sexual drive, but the cue for believing men is to control themselves as adultery is a big sin in Islam, they are afraid to spoil their deen & hereafter or risk their health, their spouses health and their marriage.
But nothing stops some men, that's why apart from many married Muslim men, even some happily married men with no issues with their spouses at home are found frequenting prostitutes and brothels, no wonder adultery has also become the No 1 cause for divorces in many countries. Why men in Islam are allowed to have up to four wives is something to ponder upon keeping in perspective the high sexual drive of some married men.
Yes, ultimately it on them how they can handle, but most likely they can't as the past porn watching habits of the man shows that he has no inhibitions in watching other women's naked bodies online and she has also got hooked to it out of curiosity.
Salaams,
Well here's the thing, to NOT suggest it means to advise them to just be abstinant and control themselves, never masturbating or anything. But they're married. I know there's controversy about whether masturbation is sin or not, but that aside there is nothing they could do with each other by skype/phone that they couldn't do with each other face to face. So in that sense, I don't see how such an act would be sinful.
In my view, people succumb to temptation because they have no outlet for the natural energy that builds up. Even Prophet Muhammad advised men to go home and make love to their wives if they saw a woman while out and about who aroused them. The reality is, sexual tension does build. In a marriage, that's where the release is halal. If they can't do it all the way, they should at least get the pressure out SOMEHOW because it remaining built up causes more harm and threat of sin. I think it's naive to believe that people can just "chin up" and steady on, and somehow the energy disappears. Even physics states that energy is neither created or destroyed, but transferred from one thing to another.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I don't think it is a good idea to share your porn viewing and masturbation habit with your husband. This may create a negative impression about you and may hurt you in the long run. If you initiate phone sex or skype sex it may reflect bad on you and may make your husband think you have no control over your sex drive and you may go astray especially if your huband grew up in a different culture.
the simple thing i would like to add is just be comfortable in doing whatever they want to do . i.e. if they want to enage in phone sex and are not concerned about security. but clearly these guys have to be together if not possible at all times then they should try to be together as often as possible. sex with ur legal partner is the most satisfying thing. masterbation often leads to worse things in the long term.
As-salamu Alaykum,
I am not easily shocked, but I can't really see how it is acceptable to advise a young woman to have phone/Skype relations with her husband as a solution to viewing porn. There are definite security issues with such acts that could result in blackmail or extreme embarrassment some day in the future for either spouse. No one should ever perform a sexual act via an internet connection or allow themselves to be video-taped or photographed in such a capacity, even if it is the husband or wife doing the filming in the privacy of their own home. It is a very bad idea for many reasons. Besides the above, I also do not think that the spouses will feel good about themselves after performing such acts. They will always feel they crossed some type of red line and may possibly lose some respect for each other. I also believe it could open the doors to other things in the future, especially since both spouses have demonstrated that they are susceptible to the temptations of porn.
To the sister who has posted her problem, I would suggest going to live with your husband if possible. Sometimes we believe that things are not possible and we make them more complicated than they really are. Maybe you will have to sacrifice some aspect of your life to be with your husband, but perhaps that is for the best. If it is truly impossible to be with your husband, then you have to try to be more patient. Even if one takes the stance that masturbation is allowed in certain circumstances, the pornography aspect is definitely haram, and you should strive to eliminate that from your life. You can take steps to block those types of sites on your computer. Even if it is something like youtube, block it until you are in control of the issue, and start replacing your idle time on the computer with more beneficial activities. You can use the Internet for many wonderful things. You can use it to learn new skills, improve your knowledge of Islam or another subject that interests you, and even to work on-line and earn an income from home. Do you want to lose out on the blessings of the Internet by spending your time on porn and things that will ultimately drag you down?
If you talk to your husband, I don't think you need to tell him what happened. But maybe you could tell him that you feel a strong need to be with him and discuss some solutions to your living arrangements. Perhaps one of you could transfer schools or even study on-line for a period of time if your high school or university allows it.
Alhamdullah, excellent advice, you have touched alI the points which I was trying to put it across to Amy on the dangers & negative consequences of Skype video sex , but I did shoddy job, partly because of my poor English skills 🙁 I hope the chief editor Wael is reading this,it would be interesting to know his point of view.
Assalaamualaikam
While there's debate about the acceptability of masturbation, the general consensus on pornography is pretty clear - it's not acceptable. When looking at pornography, you're looking at the body parts of another person which we have been told to cover. If we shouldn't look at a person's unclothed body face to face, we really shouldn't look at it online or on TV. Another thing to bear in mind when thinking about pornography is that many of the people involved don't have a say - vulnerable young women and men can be coerced into taking part and experience horrible things that they wouldn't consent to if they felt they had a choice.
I'd suggest that you and your husband try to arrange to spend more time together. It may be possible for one of you to transfer to a university or college closer to the other, or if that isn't possible, you could arrange more frequent trips to meet each other. For example, you could arrange that every 3 months the two of you meet for a long weekend in a place halfway between you both - if you plan and book things far enough in advance and go for "off-peak" times, you should be able to find affordable trips (maybe a city break in Europe? or a self-catering cottage somewhere?). That way you can be reassured that you'll be seeing your husband soon. And keep thinking about your long-term plans, so that once it's possible, the two of you can be together longer-term - if you have a plan to look forward to, that should help you both, inshaAllah.
I'd be careful about what you view and what you put online (videos, chats, etc.) - once something's on the internet, it's very very difficult to erase it, so be careful about explicit content (both viewing and making). Make sure you have good anti-virus software, and check that your computer isn't infected with something nasty (porn sites can be a perfect spot for unscrupulous people to hide viruses and spyware) - if you aren't sure how to do this, you could take your computer to your university/college's IT department, or to a computer repair shop (I'd recommend going to a well-known chain rather than a single shop, because at least that way you can be reassured by the confidentiality protocols the employees have to follow). My general approach to communication on the internet is that I try not to say anything online that I wouldn't say face-to-face and that I wouldn't say in front of my mother. If you wouldn't say something in front of your mother, you probably shouldn't be saying it in front of Allah.
Internet video chat and private messaging services can be extremely helpful to people in long-distance relationships, so you and your husband could arrange regular chats, and even have "dates" online - arrange to meet online and have dinner together, then go watch the same movie or listen to the same lecture (make sure it's Islamically appropriate!) and message each other during it, then chat online again? If you're in significantly different time zones, you wouldn't even need to be having the same meal - you could have breakfast while he has dinner!
While you and your husband are apart, make sure that the two of you have plenty of other things to do, so that you aren't ruminating on the distance all the time. If you don't already, why not start going to a regular Islamic study class, or arrange to meet sisters from university regularly to study Quran? Other ideas might be to join a university society or course (an Islamically acceptable one, of course!), start doing a regular fitness activity (quite a few Islamic community centres or student societies will run sisters-only fitness classes, eg. walking groups, gym sessions), do voluntary work - ask at your local mosque about charitable projects and find one that fits with your timetable... There are plenty of things you can do to stay busy, so that porn and loneliness aren't at the forefront of your mind, plus it will inshaAllah give you and your husband lots to talk about!
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Midnightmoon, that's an excellent advice, MashaAllah.
Though, this line is a bit confusing to me (If you wouldn't say something in front of your mother, you probably shouldn't be saying it in front of Allah.).
I think there could be halal things that married couple may feel comfortable saying to each other (despite Allah watching them), but might feel shy if any of their parents were to be watching them...It seems like the statement would rather fit for a haram relationship...Or maybe you meant something else?
Assalaamualaikam
That's a good point, mashaAllah. You're right - there might well be things a married couple might want to say that they might not want their parents to hear... I suppose I was making a general comment about my own approach to online communication, which might not be as applicable to a married couple. I've been on-call at work (IRL) for 26 hours now, so I probably didn't explain myself as well as I would have liked.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Oh. Ok Sister. I get it now.
Anyway, Jazakillahu Khair for explaining.
I think amy hasgiven a good solution and a bad solution ,good one is live together. phone/skype s@x is bad . for two reasons-it is still masturbation and masturbation is an unnatural sex act.secondly there are many clips of muslim couples from arabia,pakistan ,turkey malaysia etc that have somehow landed on porn sites.its a nightmare if tomorrow u want ur children and their friends to see it..
Sister make your Salah the strongest.. B/c Allah Aza Wa Jal says that "verily Salah protects from fahsha (immorality) and munkar."
And try to fulfill your desires.
Through your husband..make lots of dua and I've read somewhere that the husband can masturbate the wife and the wife can masturbate the husband. So make a lot of dua, istighfar and give a lot f sadaqa to askAllah to make this so the most disgusting this sin the most disgusting and evil in your eyes and in your mind.
May Allah Aza Wa Jal bless your marriage.
Dear All,
I happen to chance upon this website and would like to share with all of you my life story and how my life is ruined my pornography.
It all started in primary school when my friend introduce me to pornography. At that time when I first started, it was out of curiosity. Slowly, it become an addiction.I noticed that my concentration span was shortened and I cannot focus. This have a serious effect on my career as my job need high level of analysis. I am also unable to keep up with the deadline and pace and ultimately, I could not hold on to my job despite the fact that I have decent academic grades.
Besides career, porn and masturbation also affect me on a social level. My perspective towards women was distorted and felt withdrawn when hanging out in social group. It affected me and till date, I still do not have a girlfriend.
I also felt that my health took a toll overtime. My kneecap start to ache in recent month at the age of 30.
On top of these, porn and masturbation also strain family relationship and can ruin a marriage.
Things start to take a turning point when I decided to step out and engage in charity activity to help the poor and needy.
This is my story and I hope that it will help you.
Regards
Your Dharma brother
The frustrated job seeker: It all started in primary school when my friend introduce me to pornography. At that time when I first started, it was out of curiosity. Slowly, it become an addiction.I noticed that my concentration span was shortened and I cannot focus.
How is your concentration span, analytical ability, keeping up with deadlines, lack of social skills with opposite sex related to watching porn and masturbation?
Do you think porn and masturbation helped you get decent academic grades?.
Assalam o Alaikum!
I'm really glad to realize that there still are some people who try their best to help others. Alhamdolillah, I've benefited by reading all the posts and comments here and would like to extend this opportunity to share my point of view.
Sister its amazing that you two married at an early age, and realize how important education can be for this life. However, I am of the opinion that husband and wife are not meant to live separately. No reason, even education cannot justify that living far away from each other is an unsuitable option. I hope you understand. You see you two are garments fro each other, and a person cannot stay away from his/her garment for long. Couples need to clothe each other with compassion, kindness, humility, good humour, forgiveness and patience.
My sincere advise for you is that you two should live together, even if any of you has to reach a compromise on the quality of education. I am not suggesting that you abandon education, but live together, and study in the same city, even if the new (alternate) college is not as good as the previous.
Husband and wife are coolness to each others' eyes. Prepare to see and look through each others' eyes everyday, live and not on skype. A live gesture, even a smile is better than several skype calls. Believe me, this should be the way to go.