I want to die as a true muslim
"Paradise lies under the Mother's feet"
Salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah.
As I sit here I have come to the conclusion that I must be a bad wife and bad mother. My situation is as this. I married a man 5 months ago and we were very much in love, to me he was perfect and said the same thing to me. When we were speaking of marriage he told me he had a business with his school friend so although I knew that he was not rich, I thought he would be able to provide for me as his wife. It turned out that he was not secure at the age of 30 when I married him.
However as my husband I though that I would try my best to help him until he got him self off his feet (as he has no job) but it drove me into A LOT of debt until my bank froze my overdraft. At this point things got very stressful for me as it felt that I had the burden of the household duties as well as taking care of the bills and worrying how it was all going to get paid. I started to be a bad wife and got very depressed and as such was not as loving to my husband. He could not handle this and divorced me (it has been less than 2 weeks since we have been having problems).
I dont know what to do. I feel lost and wonder why I can't keep a husband. I do argue could that be it? my husband and I are both reverts and I have one daughter who got very attached to my ex husband. What shall I do as she often asks for him, she often likes to stay up late waiting for him. My daughter would be heart broken and I have no idea how to tell her this man is out of my life. I can´t believe I am such a bad wife that my husband would go from being in love with me to divorcing me within 2 weeks. I am also not the best mother even though I try but I often shout at my daughter when she does things wrong.
I feel lost and no longer want to marry another Muslim man, I wear niqaab and am now planning on removing that as it would be too hard as a single woman wearing it even though other women do.
What shall I do? This is really affecting my iman and although I want to die as a true muslim, I have started to feel that I want to harm myself.
p.s. I am possibly pregnant too.
- habeebah
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Assalamu'alaikum Sister,
First of all you don't want to hurt yourself. You have a beautiful daughter and possibly another child on the way. Your daughter needs you and so will the other child. You have been blessed because Allah(swt) has guided you to this beautiful religion. I know how special this is because I am a revert too. Thank Allah for his guidance and his many blessings.
As far as your marriage is concerned, according to what you have written you have done nothing wrong. You were the one who provided for the family, you tried to help your husband financially when clearly it is his responsibility. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you should not beat yourself up because he was not man enough to provide for his family.
If this man was not financially secure he should have never asked you to marry him. When a man decides that he wants to get married he should know if he is able to support a family or not. I'm not talking about being rich and trying to provide all the material things in life, I'm just talking about the basic necessities. If a man is unable to do that or even worse has no job at all then it is his obligation to be patient until he is able to find a job or save enough so that he can take care of his obligation to his future wife.
So sister what I am saying to you is to stay strong in your deen. Don't allow the short comings of someone destroy what Allah(swt) has given you in your deen. Seek out some like minded sisters who are strong in Islam. Surround yourself with positive people. Prepare for Ramadhan and keep moving forward.
This transition may not be easy but you can do it. Think about your daughter and always remember Allah(swt).
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
Sister, the most important thing you need to understand is that harming yourself in anyway, or taking your own life, will not have the effect of you dying as a true Muslims. Suicide is a huge haraam in Islam, so anyone who does take that path is doing the opposite of what a true Muslim would do when faced with heavy challenges.
I can understand your feelings of desperation. Things seemed to have happened so abruptly and with no warning, and it seems like you have few options right now. On top of that, the intensity of what you are probably feeling is only making your true choices seem more complicated as far as knowing what you should do now.
You don't have to feel like you have to go find a new husband right away. Take time to heal from what has happened and do that when you feel ready and capable of that. Right now I think things are too fresh for you to be looking in that direction.
I can understand why you would want to stop wearing hijab after all this. I have faced similar times myself, and made similar choices. Looking back though, my choice to leave hijab really didn't make much difference. It didn't make life that much better, it didn't make the challenges resolve any quicker, and it certainly didn't make me a more obedient Muslim or bring me closer to Allah when I probably needed it most. Now that I wear it again, I can honestly say that I think I would've made the better choice to try to keep it on and focus on the REAL issues that were going on (wearing a hijab was not my crisis at that time). How can I say that perhaps things would not have resolved quicker or gotten better for me quicker, if I had at least stayed as committed to Allah as I could? The same may be true for you too, sister. Instead of looking at your hijab right now as one more stressor, look at it like a protective covering that symbolically covers your mind and keeps waswas away and helps you stay focused on the truth and the good future that still lies ahead for you.
Finally sister, one thing I want you to understand and take into your heart and keep it there: you are NOT at fault for the divorce. Yes, in relationships we all take our turn at making mistakes. But it was HIS choice to give up early, to let you go without knowing what the future would hold or how Allah would rescue your family. He could've chosen the path of Sabr and kept you and trusted in Allah for whatever was meant for the pair of you. HE was the one who didn't choose this, not you. To blame yourself for another person's choice, to see yourself as someone who has less value because of someone else's failings- that is to give in to the lie Shaytan wants us to believe. You are not worthless, and you are not the reason the marriage failed. If you had been married to another man and still had flaws of your own, he could stay with you in spite of that and the both of you would grow together into better people as time goes, with the blessing of Allah. Please sister, don't take 6 months of your life, and use it to define all the beautiful years that are still in store for you.
You are in a difficult place right now, but with support Insha'Allah it WILL get better. Your finances will recover and your heart will recover too. Now would be a good time to draw close to your loved ones and friends and start rebuilding your life, little step by little step at a time. I suggest you read some of the articles on IslamicSunrays.com- I can think of several off the top of my head that would probably speak to you and you kind find strength and encouragement from them. You are loved sister, don't give up!
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Amy that was one the best pieces of advice I read from you. Masha Allah very thoughtful and balanced approach coupled with example. May Allah (swt) reward you for your good work. Amin
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
please, dont remove any part of your hijaab.
trust Allaah as this is a form of test.
dont take off the niqaab, wallaahi, every single man on this world will respect you for it without a shadow of a doubt.
Sister Habeebah, I realize that you are in pain, and others here have the impulse to say, "Don't worry sister, it wasn't your fault, it will be okay," etc. But if you've read any of my other responses then you know I like to keep it real.
Both you and your husband are jointly responsible for the failure of your marriage. Your husband is clearly not a good provider, and perhaps the two of you were not living within your means, I don't know. Much of what you did seems to have come out of desperation and stress. You drove yourself deep into debt (which you should not have done), then you reacted badly to the stress of that situation, perhaps shouting at your husband and daughter and making a peaceful home life impossible.
I have several suggestions:
1. It's very important that you begin seeing a therapist on a regular basis, so you can talk about what has happened, and learn to control your temper. Your daughter needs you to be calm and in control.
2. It's not clear to me whether your husband had any degree of success with his business. Was he bringing in any income at all? Was he looking for work? It sounds like he was a loving husband toward you and your daughter. If he is working, or is willing to work, then I suggest talking to him and discussing a reconciliation. Your question was submitted on July 12th and it is now July 27th, so you might still be within your 'iddah, and still married. If your husband agrees, you can resume the marriage with no formalities required.
If the 'iddah is expired, then you would need a new nikah, which is permissible Islamically.
If he won't talk to you, then perhaps a mutual friend could mediate. I'll bet your husband is hurting as much as you are.
3. Go to the doctor and verify whether or not you are pregnant, as this could make a difference in your willingness to reconcile (and your husband's as well). Also, the 'iddah of a pregnant woman is the duration of the pregnancy. So that's a long period during which you can reconcile.
4. I can understand your reluctance to wear the niqaab when you are single, and I see no problem in that, as long as you keep your hijab. Niqaab is not waajib, and you have to look out for your safety, your ability to provide for yourself, and your need to interact with society as a single mother.
5. Don't even think of harming yourself. The failure of your marriage is a worldly and material problem (and maybe one that can be solved). Suicide is a permanent, eternal, spiritual disaster, and not one you can recover from. Did you know that children of suicides are much more likely to commit suicide as adults? Is that the legacy you want to leave your daughter? Your daughter needs you, temper and all. Sure, I think it would be nice if you learned to control your temper and stop shouting, but I guarantee that your daughter would be far worse off without you than with you.
Stop thinking of yourself as a bad wife and bad mother. Acknowledge that you are a good woman with a good heart, and a loving mother, but a person who made a few mistakes and is not perfect. And isn't that the reality of the human condition? We are all imperfect, and we all struggle every day to do better. Bad parents don't sit around feeling guilty. They neglect their children and feel no shame. That's not you. You are not a bad parent. You care.
Please stay in touch with us, leave comments here and update us on your situation. We care about you and we want you to do well, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister i too no what it is like to have the financial burden of the family all on you, it is so hard and causes alot of problem's in marriage, what your husband did in leaving was nothing to do with you dont blame yourself, you tried your best and he could not or would not take the responsibility of providing for his family, and sister if you are pregnant then say Allhamdulilaah make dua that this child becomes a good and blessed child that brings you and your daughter happiness as a child and an adult insha'Allah, sister dont ever think you are a bad mother you are just stressed at the moment but this will pass insha'Allah.
Oh honey, as I read your post my heart aches.
To be honest, my thoughts are that you do not seem like a bad wife, but rather he seems like he was a bad husband!
This part is the worst. HOLD ON, because it will get better.
Also, your little girl needs you. You are the most important figure in her life.
Don't worry about your purity, pray to Allah & let him worry for you. Find support in other people that are trustworthy or having the same problems as you, even if you never meet those people bc they are online!
I spend the majority of my childhood & adolescence thinking about harming myself, so when I hear the same from you my heart aches. I pray you find the support you need to get through this tough time.
Also, you were not a bad wife, he was a bad husband. Just saying...it sounds like you would've worked harder on the marriage & he didn't want to. Poor judgement on his part that is not your fault.
I guarantee he would have done the same to any other woman, you are not a bad wife! You sound like a thoughtful & kind wife. I can't believe you drained your bank account for him! That was as nice as you could have been to him, you shared all your worldly possessions.
Also remember this: You are enough. You are so enough you can't even believe how enough you are! The shame you are feeling now is merely your heart's purist desire to be good in Allah's eyes. What more could Allah ask for in a human?!!!!! That is all you need.
"The shame you are feeling now is merely your heart's purist desire to be good in Allah's eyes."
I like that.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor