Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Moving out from an abusive home – I need advice

Verbal abuse

Assalamualaikum.

So, to give context, I am a 16 year old muslim girl. I’ve just about had it with living in this house and this environment. Of course, I wouldn’t move out now, but probably as an adult or when I finish university, I would. As a child, I would get slapped, pinched, yelled and screamed at, etc. I would get called "stupid," "retarded," "fat," "useless," and so many more other names. The physical abuse has stopped now, but my mother uses this to her advantage by saying “Only people who are physically abused can leave their home/run away”... I believe this is why she stopped. Otherwise, I’d still be getting hurt. She even once said, “I am your parent and I could kill you if I wanted to."

I can’t even take a walk outside without prior permission...I have to schedule going out with my friends days or weeks prior. I can’t go to the mall that’s 2 minutes away alone. I’m treated like an infant, yet expected to act like an adult. I feel so suffocated and depressed in this home. Sometimes I feel like I’m just over-exaggerating my situation or overreacting, but my pain is very real.

I tried looking for answers online on whether or not it’s haram to move out, and almost everyone says to “just be patient” and “wait for your reward”. The thing is, I’m absolutely done. I hate every second and moment living here. I just want to be happy and feel loved but where can I find love when even my own family don’t show it?

My dad doesn’t treat me badly, but he doesn’t step up or say anything to my mother even though he knows she’s wrong. And to prove my point further, both my 22-year-old and 19-year-old siblings say they’d leave if they could, but my brother is looking for a job and my sister doesn’t like the idea of staying alone. When I talked to my sister about running away, she said it’s a major sin as I’d technically be disobeying them since they don’t allow it. What do I do? They won’t even allow me to live in a dorm for university, so is it a major sin for me to go even without their permission?

I’m being emotionally abused at home and I’m wondering if it would be a major sin for me to leave or move out. I feel suffocated and depressed living here. Do I have to just “suck it up” and wait for my reward? (I even considered suicide and failed a suicide attempt) — I know thats haram but I wouldn’t do it again.

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4 Responses »

  1. Look sister it's not haram to move out because you know why, me and my sister did the same thing so it's halal if you feel like you getting abused to the point where you tried committing suicide then it's better for you to leave rather than doing this haram act, Apart from Allah you have no one to ask help for but that don't mean you don't try. Do move out and I would recommend you do and if you do ask for a foster home to you social worker which you will get after you complain about the situation you are in and tell them to give you a Muslim foster career. I mean it's not easy to get Muslim foster careers, we had Christian foster career but we weren't like them, we were far from them. The only think makes us Muslim different to the rest is that we pray, praying is our salvation so don't forget to pray and oh yh sister, be in contact with your family because no matter what even if they abuse you or not they are your mum and dad I mean look at me because I moved out after few years my dad passed away and I said to myself this was the biggest mistake I did but it was for my own good and for my own benefit

    Jzk

    Shafiul

    • Shafiul,

      Thank you for your reply...it is very well-rounded Masha Allah. I just wanted to provide a footnote, if you will, to your statement that "even if they abuse you or not they are your mum and dad." Of course, Islam holds parents in extremely high regard. However, no one is excused for abuse...not even Mom and Dad. Yes, one can forgive them, even many times over in some cases. However, if one is being put in danger to their being or their health by such abuse, it is acceptable to leave them until they have proven to modify their behavior and have come back to Allah. I just wanted to say this so that, in the event that someone being severely abused by parents reads this, they are not left without hope.

      Have a great day, Inshallah,

      Nor

  2. Walaikum Salaam
    Seek Allah's help in the best way to keep you safe and protect you and your siblings from this fitnah. Islamicly and legally your brother and sister are adults , Islamicly you are an adult depending on city you could be considered an adult. There are options for you, ask Allah to guide you to the best option for you. Talk to your brother and sister about sharing an apartment with them, work together in helping one another. Yes our parents have rights on us but we have rights on them as well. There's a dua to say when oppressed, Allah comes to the aid of those who are oppressed. Make du'a for your mom because she will have to answer to Allah, love her but put distance between her until Allah changes her. Respecting ones parent doesn't mean putting up with abuse. Strengthen your salah, fast, increase in du'as these are your strength that will help you In shaa Allah. Ibrahim(Alayhi Sallam) had to leave his father and his people they tried tp burn Him alive. It was Allah's mercy and His protection and love for Ibrahim that kept him alive. Ibrahim(Alayhi Sallam) became one of the best Prophets. During the time of Prophet Muhammad(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) the christian man Allah mentions in Qur'an left his father who worshipped fire became a christian, and once he heard about Prophet Muhammad(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) became muslim and a wonderful sahabah. Ask Allah to guide you out of this fitna in a manner that will protect you and cause less fitna. Ask Him to open up a way to leave peacefully and guide you where to go and that you are protecting your Iman. Purify your intention for leaving, ask you Imam for advice, see if there are sisters who you can stay with and talk to your mom when the time comes. Dhikr, recite Qur'an and trust in Allah's guidance. We will make du'a for you, Allah doesn't place more than you can bear. He knows what you are going through. Trust in Him that He will guide you out of this hardship and bless you with ease. May this experience make you stronger, have patience because it will be hard. May this be a purification for you and the best reward for the hereafter, and much blessings for you in this life. I pray Allah guides your mother out of this madness, increase her in her Iman, bless her to become kind and compassionate. May Allah bless your family to become closer, to be a blessing to one another, to help one another, to protect one another and to love one another for the sake of Allah. May Allah protect you and your family from the evil eye, jealousy and envy and from destroying one another. May Allah place love between you wether together or apart, and bless you to be together in the Jannah. Ameen! Allah heard you du'a, He has answered your du'a, now just in His guidance. May Allah reward you for being brave, seek forgiveness for any sin or mistake you may have made, again you are in our prayers and du'as and I pray Allah bless with the best outcome.

  3. I tried looking for answers online on whether or not it’s haram to move out, and almost everyone says to “just be patient” and “wait for your reward”.
    Yeah, no, don't do that. You show patience towards those that clearly make an effort to change for the better, not towards those that think they aren't doing anything wrong. Your mother clearly belongs to the latter-mentioned category, which means action on your part is required. Passiveness is such a toxic and self-destructive (non-)behaviour...don't go down that route. It's your human and Islamic right to feel safe and free...if your family makes threats on your life, take basic liberties away from you, imprison you and overall make your life miserable, you have every right to break free. No child WANTS to leave their parents and home, but some parents are so terrible that children are better off distancing themselves from them. It sounds like your siblings are more or less on board...you're lucky (so to speak) to have some support in them. But you can't wait until your brother gets a job and your sister feels less guilty...get some outside help if you need to. Get the authorities involved if you can. I mostly urge you to do this, because your mother has made threats of killing you...that's a really, really serious crime.

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