My father cheats on my mother and he is addicted to pornography as well
Assalamu alaykum dear readers,
I have been struggling to overcome this problem for years. My father has been unfaithful to my mother for a number of times. But Subhanallah, my mother always discovered it, either through text messages or emails he received from other women. Every time he did it, he always asked for forgiveness and promised to never do it again. But he always broke his promise. I told him how it hurt me so much that he did it and how I used to look up to him. I knew he was very sorry and regret that he did it. This happened 4 years ago and it was the second "incident".
Last year, my little brother who was barely in High School told me that he accidentally read an email from a woman suggesting that our father cheated on our mother again. My brother made me promise not to disclose this to our mother as he was worried that our family would fall apart. He was worried about his future. It broke my heart and shattered my life, not only because my father did not took the promise seriously, but also because my brother discovered it. All this time, only my mother and I who knew about my father's dark past. But being an elder sister, I tried to be as strong as I could in front of my brother. I tried to keep him in check. But it seemed that he could (surprisingly) deal with it much better than I was. May Allah SWT always protect him and make him one of the best men in the future. Amen.
Up until now, my mother did not know anything about it. I feel guilty for not telling her, for trying to hide this. But I was also worried that my parents would get divorce. When the last time my mother discovered it, she mentioned the word divorce to me -- for the first time in my life I heard this word from her. I am still at the university and therefore -- I still cannot afford to support my family in case a divorce happens. And I am not sure if this is the best solution for all of us -- for my mother and siblings. But whenever I see my mother, my heart bleeds. How can I do this to her?
While I always try to maintain a good conduct with my father, I no longer have respect for him or whatsoever. It hurts me so much that I can't even see him in the eye. We've always had communication problems (we never talk about anything except my academic achievements), so this discovery made our relationship even worst. I didn't call him for months and he didn't seem to be disturbed by that. As long as he could fulfill my financial needs, he thinks that his job as a father is done.
One other thing I have to mention is that, my father is addicted to pornography. I remember when I was in elementary school, I discovered a video cassette containing sexual movies. I didn't understand what it was but I discovered a lot of those videos. My mother knew about it and while she didn't like it, she didn't do anything about it (I'm pretty sure she told him to stop, but that's about it). When the internet became available to everyone, my father used it to meet his sexual desire. Again, my mother knew about it. She often discovered some inappropriate pictures of women in his laptop. I tried to ignore it for years and tried to not think about it too much, but when he cheated again, I view this as one of the main problems.
Please. I need some advice on how to solve this. I don't think talking to my mother is a good idea, but I've also shut myself completely from my father. I don't know what to do. Should I just keep quiet? If you have any helpful resources (lectures, articles) on how to deal with this and how to forgive someone... please do share.
Jazakallah for all your help.
Salam,
Sister AM
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Walaikum Aslaam Sister,
Its really sad to hear what you & ur bro are going through One thing I can suggest you to offer prayer 5 times daily and pray to Allah that your dad return to the correct path and specially offer additional prayer ( Tahajjud) prayer , on the other hand convey your mother to show special care towards ur father and her tell to find out why this space have been incurred between both.
And about ur question to forgive ur dad We cannot expect for Allah's forgiveness unless we also forgive those who do wrong to us. Forgiving each other, even forgiving one's enemies is one of the most important Islamic teaching. The Messenger of Allah Sallallahu ALaihi wasallam said: "The best deed before Allah is to pardon a person who has wronged you, to show affection for relatives who have broken ties with you, and to act generously towards a person who has deprived you". Thereafter he recited the following holy verses: "Turn to forgiveness and enjoin good and turn aside from ignorant" (7:199).
sister,
My heart goes out to you. You sound like someone who's very mature and I'm sure that whatever you decide to do will be well thought out.
My advice to you would be to confront your father. Why are you letting him carry on with his sin? For his own good you should let him know that you and your brother are aware of his antics! But do this without your mother finding out. Don't shut him out, people like your father are in dire need of help and as kin we must do everything within our means to help them.
Suggest to him meetings with an imam, in fact accomany him to a imam and let the imam do the talking, your father is in need of guidance and I know it can be embarrasing relating everything to a stranger but maybe you can see an imam away from your locality, someone who does'nt know you or your family.
Give your father an ultimatum- he either tries to change or you will tell your mother everything.
Don't be afriad of what the future hold for you sister, Allah is the provider. Pray a lot to him, pratice patience. Seek knowledge, it will give you peace of mind.
In terms of forgivnes sister, don't force yourself, if you try and cultivate a relationship with your father and he tries to change forgivness will enter your heart. But there is a chance that he may never change and then you must leave him to God for you will have fulfilled your responsiblity as a daughter. Pray for him, Allah can make anything happen.
have a read of this. I hope it brings peace to you.
http://ageofjahiliyah.wordpress.com/2007/11/02/sheikh-hamza-yusuf-love-even-those-who-revile-you/
maybe this can help you also insha-allah.
http://www.halaltube.com/hamza-yusuf-you-and-your-family
take care
Wa'laikum asalaam sis
According to me
as far as i think
ur mother might already be knowing about it, she might be just trying to ignore it because of u and ur brother's future.
Because at times we think nobody knows about it except us (their children)
but also becareful about when u really are infront of ur father, because he might take out his anger upon u or ur mother.
The month of Ramadan are starting
Make alot of prayers for him
and also ask him to just get into prayers and keep watching the Prayer of Makkah on Tv
i hope the best for u
will pray alot for u as well sis
take care
and i hope that soon Allah shows him the right path
May Allah bless u and ur family
Jazakallah sisters and brother for the kind answers. You have given me the courage to confront my father and do what's best for my family. Ramadhan kareem.
your welcome sister!
I hope you got the chance to read the article and listen to the lecture. May Allah make it easy for you in this blessed month.
Ramadhan Kareem.
Sister Hafsa, oh yes I forgot to mention that I couldn't view the video! It's been removed already 🙁 I tried to find it on youtube but I couldn't. If you find it again, do let me know. I've read the article 🙂 JazakAllah. Very enlightening.
I am going through exactly the same thing... The "only" difference is that my mum is fully aware of it and my dad denies everything even though all my sisters and my mum has caught him a whole lot of times..It has been going on for as long as I can remember. It's like a disease. My mum is mashallah the most beautiful mother alive in my eyes, but still he keeps on cheating through the internet and keeps calling women (i've heard him with my own ears). But still he denies. Don't know if he's tricking himself or what..
i fully sympathise in your situation. the internet has really messed up lives of muslims. particularly muslim men, as they much more access to pornography and theyre free! i hope these men realise they shouldnt be doing this before they themselves are completely lost in them, unable to repent and hurt whoever is with them. May Allah open their eyes.. Ameen...