Please help me – Suicidal
Allah knows you, even when those around you judge you unfairly
Today my mom and brother were telling that they are going to take me to another country and "fix" me because I'm completely messed up. Here is whats wrong with me ( I'm a whore I don't wear hajab, I'm quiet, shy and its hard for me to talk to alot of people I don't know how to cook or clean, I'm immature, I have a terrible personality, I'm not very attractive, I say the most stupidest things cuz I'm very stupid, oh and My faith is weak, which is the worst part.) so they want to take me to another country to fix my personality and try to change me. My brother tells me that I need to be fixed and that really hurts. I know its true...but It like they tell me that I'm not good enough that I'm so worthless I NEED to be fixed, Every one in my family says that.
So after that conversation I got really mad but tried to keep it cool, 10 mins later my mom starts to make fun of me about everything that I do, from the way that i talk to the way that I walk. and I know that she is my mom and i should respect her and I do but at the same time I really hate her. She makes me hate my self. She was always there for me physically but never emotionally. I'm a shia muslims and I'm suppose to love and respect my mom and I try to I really do, but how can you love someone who is consistently hurting you. I do respect her but I hate her and I don't want to be close to her. Not being close to my mom makes me feel very lonely. I don't have any one to talk to but Allah. Its really hard not to have an adult to ask for advice or just to talk to. After my mom made fun of me I got really made and went to my room I was going to cut my self but I could fine my broken glass that I use to cut myself with, so instead I took 3 Tylenol pills.
Now I'm just sitting here thinking I'm gonna kill my self, I'm gonna kill myself. I did plan to commit suicide a few weeks ago but things didn't work out. I know 3 Tylenol pills is not gonna kill me, but I wish it did. I really love god i do. I wish I was a better person I wish i had a stronger faith, but I'm a 17 year old girl who has been alone her entire life. 3 years ago I use to get bullied in school alot and when i got home I would get even more bullied from my mom and my sister and brothers. They would call me whatever they wanted like ugly, whore, bitch, stupid , and I'm sure its all true. What hurts the most is that when my sibling would make fun of me and call me a ugly whore my mom would just laugh. I feel like I'm going to have a short life. Suicide is becoming more real to me. I'm really upset now and I could kill myself right now but the thing is that tomorrow I'll probably be like nahh I'm not gonna commit suicide. When I'm upset sometimes I don't think i just do it. Thats why i'm scared that i might actually commit suicide and then go to hell. I love Allah more then anything is this whole entire world more than anything or anyone but my faith isn't that strong, I wish it was, am trying to make it stronger. I have wished for death several times. I feel like my time is slowly coming to an end and that soon I might die, and I'm okay with that in fact the thought of not being here make me happy. I don't know if I'm going to commit suicide , I do want to die but I don't want to commit suicide.
I don't want to disobey Allah, I already have enough sins. I'm sure If i get closer to allah these thoughts of suicide might hopefully disappear and I probably will stop doing stupid stuff like taking random pills or self harming So If you were kind enough to actually read all this will you please help me get back to the right path. How can I get closer to allah. What should i do about these feeling of suicide which have been with me for a while now. I can't tell my mom and I don't have anyone else to talk to so please help me. Give me any advice. Thank you For reading
amy8
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Asalam alaikum sister Amy,
If you are still alive to read this comment then you are going to be fine. I know it sounds too simple but it's true, insh'allah.
In my experience, having been in the same type of mindset when I was in high school, it just takes time until you get over this time of your life. No matter how your family talks to you, no matter if you are shy, no matter if you don't have fancy clothes, no matter if the bullies flush your face down the toilet 2x a day like it's their religion (personal experience). You are going to look back in just a few years and see that Allah provides new doors unexpectedly all the time. All you have to do is have patience.
While you are waiting, focus on your studies, read the stories of inspiring sisters and brothers in our faith, and focus on making one TRUE friend who has a positive outlook on life and you feel comfortable talking to.
Allah the merciful opens doors to us that we don't even know exist. If you live in a western culture, as soon as you graduate your high school you will see what a big difference it makes to get a job or join a club or a community activity and meet new, upbeat people every day.
As they say, it is always darkest before dawn; and in that same light Allah the guide never gives us more burden than we can carry.
Salam,
Shereen
Salaam sister.
I am really sorry to hear about all of these that happen to you. And I know it hurts the most when it's coming from family. My mother says mean stuff to me, and it hurts me do badly and sometimes I feel like there nothing I could I do to her. But what I did is that I prayed more the more I pray the better I felt, I did the things that made me happy, like drawing, listening to music or even working out. Sister, please do not ever think of suicide it is haram, I want you to stay strong and DO NOT believe what your family says about you. Believe in yourself, and trust in Allah that he will find you away from all this hard life. Don't be a fool, don't be weak. Be strong you can do it. Here's my email [removed by editor] May Allah bless you.
Don't share your personal ID it's public foram be carefull sister!!
Assalaamualaikam
Please note that this site does not permit the exchange of personal contact information. I appreciate that you are wanting to help and support the original poster - but be mindful of your own safety online as well.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Wallah I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Trust me I never had it easy in life my self. I was poor broke as a child my dad abuse my mom in front of us he was a drunk. I saw my dad get beaten bloody in front of me in front of my uncle when I was 5. I was beaten broken nose and jaw by my mom. I was rape by my step dad son. I had a abuse childhood at home and at school I had no faith I did everything haram drink drugs you name it. When I converted and found my deen allah wallah I forgave everything al my pass everyone that hurt me I forgave them all. I don't want hatred in my heart. Everything that I went through made me stronger. Made me the man I am and a stronger believer. Everyone goes through tough times no matter how big or small is still tough to the person that's dealing with. I know I'm not perfect my self but I try. I do feel alone sometimes cuz I'm a loner my self. I had a muslim girl that I was going to marry i was with getfor 5 yrs but or of sudden she said she can't marry me cuz I'm not Arab. It hurts wallah in a good person I think of I'm better off not living sometimes cuz a lot doesn't go my way. But.... then it's not worth it. Keep your faith cuz that's what is going to keep you going if you lose that you become of the losers. I read this quote that inspires me “Sometimes the people with the worst past, create the best future.” ― Umar bin al Khattab
Just remember when life haves you down on your knees you're in a prefect position to pray
Salam Amy8,
The only thing that needs fixing in your house is your mother and anyone else who believes you need fixing. What kind of mother makes fun of their daughter and enjoys mocking them? So what you can't cook...that doesn't mean you need fixing, it means your mother should call you to the kitchen and show you how to cook. If you don't want to, then she should insist. It appears your mother has low self esteem and that is why she enjoys making fun of you. I can totally understand your feelings of hate...they are normal. However, pray for your mother. Pray that she will see how her actions are tearing you apart. A mother is supposed to be nurturing and support her children...not to put them down.
You are seventeen years old and I know for a fact, that is a tough age. In your case it is made even tougher due to the lack of parental guidance in your home. Do not give your mother, brother or anyone else in your home the satisfaction of ending your life. Be smart. You have what...one year of school left? This is the holy month of Ramadan...go get your Quran, sit down and start from the beginning and read. Reading God's word will lift your heart and provide you some peace and tranquility from your surroundings.
Please don't give up on life sister...there is so much for you to do. Praying for you and sending a virtual hug your way.
Salam
MashaAllah, I agreed.
Salaam sister, don't end your life, your not bad, Allah is most forgiving and you can become a good muslim by reading quraan, and the translation in english, and many other ways such as trying 2 block unislamic things out of life (difficult 2 do), have Taqwa, which is knowing Allah is watching, and is with you, this will make you feel better and make u closer 2 him (reminder 2 myself 1st), sister Allah loves u, this life is just a test (a reminder 4 myself 1st) and we need 2 pass it, and by the way sister ur not bad, if u were really bad and needed 'fixing' so badly u wudnt be looking for islamic help, therefore this proves ur not bad. Do not let anyone get 2 u or spoil ur life and make u displease Allah! X
Assalaamualaikam
Sister, you do not need "fixing". The only people who need fixing are the ones who are causing you to feel this way. You are as Allah made you, and you will inshaAllah continue to grow and journey along the path He has laid out for you.
We can't necessarily control what others say to us or how they treat us, but what we can, inshaAllah, do is control how their words and actions affect us. Even without knowing you beyond your posts here, I can tell that you are an intelligent and sensitive young woman, with developing modesty (evident in your own description of yourself as shy) and faith. And nobody has the right to call you a whore - you are a Muslimah and deserve to be treated with respect. Any past sins in your life are between you and Allah. Once you repent for them, they should not be held against you and you should not allow them to overwhelm you. When you hear people saying horrible things about you, try not to let their words hurt you - ultimately, the only opinion that matters is the judgement of Allah, and He knows what is and will be in your heart. Work on strengthening your relationship with Him and trust that He will guide you.
What you've written is very worrying and I think it's important for you to seek professional advice and support here. If you can, tell one of your teachers or your doctor what has been going on at home and that you have now reached a point where you have made plans to take your own life (this is a BIG warning sign that people need to take action and help you). As a 17 year old, teachers and doctors and other such professionals have a legal duty to make sure you are safe, so inshaAllah they will be quick to help.
Depending on where you live, there are different systems in place to protect young people in crisis. These should help you get help and support for your self-harming and thoughts of suicide (eg. by putting you in touch with a counsellor or therapist), make sure you are not taken out of the country against your will, and help you re-build your confidence and your relationships with your family. It may seem scary, but I honestly think these services could really help you, inshaAllah, so speak with someone you trust as soon as possible. If you don't feel able to talk to someone you already know, then contact a service like Childline (there will be different services in different places, so look for one that works in your area) and ask them to help - they can put you in touch with the same support services.
Don't end your life. Suicide is permanent, but the trials of this life will pass, as Allah wills. In the meantime, try to keep yourself safe - if you feel you are going to take another overdose, or have other plans to end your life, please go to your local Emergency Department and tell them, as the staff there will inshaAllah have training in how to help young people who are experiencing such things.
Try to find comfort in the Quran and work on praying regularly and remembering Allah as often as you can. Trust in His love and mercy, ask Him for forgiveness for any sins, and ask Him to help you through these trials. I'm sure I speak for quite a few people here when I say that I will keep you in my duas, and pray that Allah guides you through this time and softens the hearts of the people who are treating you unkindly.
Stay strong, sister.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Asalam Alaykum Amy! Im sorry to hear that listen you need to fix yourself ignore them let them backbite and call you names Allah will deal with them what you have to do if focus on your iman you are being tested by Allah and guess what? If you didn't notice and your thinking to suicide and if you did you sadly you failed Allahs test thats shaitans trick hes giving you suicide thoughts he wants you in hell he wants everyone in hell he will do anything to lead anyone astray!! But Allah wants you in jannah (Heaven)! and did you know all the prophets even prophet muhammad (pbut) was tested 100× more then you were. People Physically bullied prophet muhammad not only that but they called himmore names then you are being called by your siblings even today hes being insulted! People tried to harm him! They called him mad and crazy again he was physically tortured i wont say how because its nasty anyways he never even had suicidal thoughts! he believed in Allah and the hereafter he knows this lifes a test always remember Allah and he will remember you. Its ramadan now dont worry about your your brothers and sisters calling you names and hurting you Allah will punish them inshallah what they are doing is bad. Just focus on Allah this ramadan pray 5 times a day read alot of Qur'an actually read the whole Qur'an in english you will change trust me it will boost your iman ALOT if only you knew.Help others and so on please dont suicide it is not good Allah does not like that trust me you wont like hell especially the torment of the grave it is really scary to even think about it! Salam
Sister,
My family do the same to me I'm broken inside even bitter.
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles don't commit suicide because the fear of Allah's punishment should stop you. That's what stopped me, I was at the ledge of my window and nearly jumped but my faith stopped me.
Your family needs help their actions are disgraceful. You are a creation of Allah and your beautiful and deserve happiness.
I'm sorry I can't offer advice of forgiveness because I myself have not been able to do that myself. Praying dose help and I guess it takes time. For me it has been years...
May Allah give you happiness.
Assalamulaikum sister, i read your case and i really feel sorry for you, but if it helps let me tell you i have been through similar situations, bullying in school, bullying at home and infact i was also bullied in university, i too had many reasons to suicide (litraly), but at the same time i had many reasons to Thank Allah too Alhamdulillah, like being born muslim, born with hidaya, means half way there, the other half way muslims are expected to find themselves but not alone, they have Quran Pak, Islamic books, Madrasa ( any Islamic education center), to educate themselves and be as best as they can, another point sister is that you are saying you are being bullied for not wearing hijab? yes i know there are many more reasons as to why you are being bullied, but believe me or not i was bullied even when i Alhamdulillah chose to wear hijab by my own will from age of 11, i too was and am polite and shy and overall modest, but i also was litraly treated like a whore by my family, i was called bitch in school many times, so hijab is unrelated, after all its the heart that counts, some females are whore even in hijab and some are modest even if not wearing, but unfortunately even if heart is clean non hijabi as well as hijabi are bullied for no reason, i know it hurts, specially when you know your inner is good Alhamdulillah, but let me remind you a saying of Imam Ali a,s " Its better for you that you are good but people think you are bad, but its worse for you if you are bad but people think you are good" why He a,s said this? because the first example is of a momim and the second example is of a munafiq, Also the 14 masoomeen a.s say that if within 40 days any kind of testing doesnt fall upon you, you are not one of the momins, you should feel lucky sister that Allah has chosen you as one of His momin people, and i know this cause from experience this is your test, which right now you are failing, still you are young its not too late Alhamdulillah, be patient Allah Help is near, thats what Allah Is Saying to momineen in Quran Pak, and patience comes through prayer and zikr of Allah, and good deeds alone, not worldly things like watching movies listening to songs. my duas are with you sister you will pass your tests In Sha Allah Ameen! 🙂
Call this number now sister amy8
1-800-273-8255
It's the suicide hotline in the USA