My parents won’t let me get married because the boy comes from a lower caste
The caste system is not from Islam. It is prevails in the Indian Subcontinent because of the Hindusim.
Aslamalikum, I am 18 years of age, I have not had a good relationship with my brothers as they have always found faults in me and then told my parents to hit me.
For the past year i have been seeing a man who is one year older than me, I admit I have made mistakes before I met this man but nothing that would jeopardise my future married life. I am ashamed for my mistakes and the man knows of everything and accepts me.
His family are scared of my family because we are of a higher caste, also my brothers get into a lot of fights. I have been with this man for the past year and two months, recently we have decided not to see each other until marriage and restrain our talking, but my brothers have found out about us and want to hit him. I am scared and pray for Allah(swt) to protect him always. My brothers have hit me, taken away my phone and A-level books and have not permitted me to leave the house. My parents have no say as they say they are helpless.
I told my mother I am sorry and I want to marry him but she shouted and refused saying he is of a lower caste and it is disgraceful and Allah wouldn't accept it.. I know there are no castes in Islam but my parents strongly disagree.
Please tell me what to do. The boy doesn't speak to me anymore as he is scared and I still love him so dearly, we both want to get married and his family know about me, please tell me what to do, or give me some advice..
I want to study my last year of A-levels and go university and then bring the matter of marriage up again, but my mother is talking of getting me married off to someone from Pakistan and she wants to take me there. At the moment I am stuck inside my house and I am scared to speak up, I am not allowed to watch tv or anything and when I am reading namaaz, my eldest brother throws insults at me and says I should be dead.
He is not perfect and he has relationships, both my brothers do, but my parents ignore their behaviour because they say I am a girl and it's more important, no one cares about boys. I am not trying to compare myself to my brothers as I know you should compare yourself to people better than you, I just need some help.
- barbie
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Walaikum Salam sister,
Sorry to hear about your situation and I can understand that you have an abusive household where your brothers control your life. Unfortunately, double standards exist in our society however sister it is never a good idea to befriend someone from opposite gender regardless of it's a boy or a girl; they are haram and that should be sufficient as we must not question what Allah (swt) wants us to follow as we should believe that it's in our greater good. Also, have you realized that how old you are? Surely their is nothing wrong with getting married at your age and I personally encourage it but you should at least study till uni. This is something that you can do after marriage but it requires a lot of support from your future husband and in-laws. Another aspect of this post is that how do you know that this brother is going to make a good husband and father besides, is it right way to approach a woman whom a man is considering for marriage? No, absolutely not.
While I understand and as you rightly know that their is no caste system in Islam but at the same time you are not in a position to go against your parents right know as you depend on them a lot. Their have been numerous cases on this forum similar to this one, sometimes, it's caste, others its nationality, culture, color etc etc. I would recommend you that if this person is serious about marriage then you should cut ties with him right now and tell him to wait for you until at least you have finished college; this will also buy you time to convince your parents. You may want to get help from some family member or even Imam at local mosque but please cut all the ties with this man because its haram. Relationships based on haram relationships almost always do not last long because their is no barakah in a relationship which is built upon disobedience to Allah (swt) and Prophet (PBUH). Also, keep praying and do istakhara as much as possible to seek help from Allah who is the knower of all and best of helper Alhamdullialh.
Remember sister that this time in your life you are most vulnerable as you have emotional needs, you long for love, affection and care from your family but in turn they are abusing you. So, it may be so that this person sweet talks you and may harm you physically or invoke you to commit sin; possibility of this is really high when you are at your lowest. So, please refrain from meeting, chatting online or calling on phone or other forms of communication.
Sorry, if I have been all over the places as I have started replying after a while due to problems in my personal life.
Here are some of links of similar posts which may help you iA.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/his-mother-rejected-me-because-of-race/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/his-mother-rejected-me-because-of-race/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/marriage-refusal-due-to-nationality/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/marriage-halal-tribe-mother-ready/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/do-i-have-to-listen-to-parents/
May Allah (swt) make this test easy for you. Amin
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Walaykumusalam Sister,
It’s extremely distressing to have to read that many parents mix culture and religion to an extent where they make un-Islamic claims and confidently claim that Allah swt would be displeased with us for something that isn’t even anti-Islamic. No where does it say in the Quraan, sunah, or our prophet P.B.U.H.’s teaching that we are not allowed to marry outside the caste or one’s culture. Your parents are clearly misguided by their culture and this notion of dishonour or humiliation is something that communities and tribes have created to maintain their “status” and assume they are superior than others. It’s disgusting and anti-Islamic.
You are living in a toxic environment and I highly suggest you contact a qualified imam who can sit down with your parents and explain to them that damaging effects of their actions. For your brothers, they have no right to lay a finger on you and since your parents are also afraid of them, I suggest someone else needs to intervene and play the role of a mediator.