Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I stay married, divorce, or marry a second wife? I want to avoid adultery.

love drugs addiction

Assalaamu alaikum,

I would like to get your opinion on an important issue that has occupied me for a long time. I would be very happy if you could help.

I am 51 years old, got married 22 years ago, and have a 19 year old son. Unfortunately, some time after our marriage we realized that my wife and I were not compatible in education, culture, upbringing, and religion. Although I am older, experienced, more sensitive to religious duties and much more educated than my wife, she always expected me to adapt to her own lifestyle, which I did not approve of. Even though I made concessions from time to time for the continuation of the marriage, I later realized that I had made a mistake, because her lifestyle was far from a religious-integrated lifestyle (e.g. no 5 times prayer, no hijab, sincere communication with other men like her colleagues, relatives, etc).

Because of this incompatibility, we had many arguments and thought of divorce a few times. However, respecting the hadith "Divorce is the most unpleasant thing in the sight of Allah", we have given up divorce every time, in the hope that "incompatibility will decrease in time". However, over time, these inconsistencies increased rather than decreasing, and our discussions got bigger. Parallel to the increase in these incompatibilities and arguments, the love, respect and sexual desires towards each other have decreased to almost non-existent. Especially, my sexual reluctance towards her has increased in the last few years and has reached the point where it can be said that it is almost non-existent. Since I no longer feel the desire to have sexual intercourse with her, I force myself to have sexual intercourse with her once a week or every 15 days in order to fulfill my responsibility towards my wife in this regard. For this purpose, I sometimes take special supplements before intercourse. In short, sexual intercourse with my wife gives me more distress than pleasure, which my wife is aware of. In addition, our marriage in general has become a kind of "marriage fatigue". However, we still love each other, which is why we couldn't realize divorcing so far.

On the other hand, since I have a high sensual character, I unfortunately cannot prevent my soul from thinking bad things and doing sinful acts (for example, looking at haram, sometimes doing istimna a few times a week, etc.). I also worry that one day in the future I will follow the devil and turn to adultery.

I told my wife that "since we are not a compatible couple, we had constant arguments due to our growing and growing incompatibilities from the very beginning of our marriage, my love for her was gradually decreasing, and my sexual desire was almost completely lost. I said that I want to marry a second wife, but she did not accept this and said that in such a case, she would apply to court to divorce me.

In this case, I seriously started to consider divorcing and told her about it so that neither of us would argue further and commit sins. If we get divorced, we can both get rid of sin by marrying different people and fulfilling our sexual functions more often, and we can also benefit from the "goodness of sexual intercourse". My wife does not want to divorce me, but left the final decision to me. I, on the other hand, cannot decide which approach would be more correct and beneficial, as I had a hard time deciding to end a 22-year marriage;

1) Continuing the marriage?
In that case, I would probably use pills, pastes, etc. to have sexual intercourse with her. I will continue to force myself using drugs. There may also be a risk of continuing sinful behavior such as looking at haram and istimna (masturbation) and perhaps even turning to bigger sins in the future.


2) Divorcing?
In this case, there is a possibility that both people might marry someone else who is compatible with themselves, so that they will be happier both in general family life and sexuality, that both of us will get rid of the sensual sins that we have fallen into in our current marriage, and even "earn rewards by having intercourse between them (wife/husband) more often. 


3) Marrying a second wife?
Since my wife will not accept this situation if she knows, this could only happen without informing her of it. So in order to not get her upset/crazy, I may look for marrying a second wife who lives in another city or country and is compatible with me in education, culture, religion, child rearing and sexuality (of course, only if I come across such a person). Although it would be very hard, I would try to treat them both fairly (apart from sex).

What should be the correct way from Islamic point of view, or what is your advice to me about this?

Since I have to go abroad for a long time for work these days, I want to make a decision and explain it to my wife before I go.
Thank you very much in advance, hope to hear from you soon.

May Allah bless you.
Best regards.

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5 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu my brother.

    I wish you did not wait till she was so old to think of taking a second wife. Who will marry her now? She's so old and expended her youth on you. Not many men out there who will happily marry a woman in her late 40s early 50s.

    Wish you made this noble decision generously before whilst she had more chances. You will as you are a man and men can marry a woman the age of his daughter and still be extremely sexually active and satisfied.

    May Allah make it easier for you both my brother. I will pray for you.

  2. Assalam o Alaikom dear,
    I would suggest you to join some religious circles and involve yourself more in the things that give you spiritual satisfaction. Try to find ways to make your wife interested in fulfilling religious responsibilities. Allah says in Sura Mu'minoon:
    "Successful indeed are the believers. Those who offer their Salat (prayers) with all solemnity and full submissiveness. And those who turn away from Al-Laghw (dirty, false, evil vain talk, falsehood, and all that Allah has forbidden). And those who pay the Zakat . And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts). Except from their wives or (the captives and slaves) that their right hands possess, for then, they are free from blame; But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors."

    May Allah take you under His rahmah.


  3. Asalam alaikum,

    This is quite the dilemma.

    Have u tried praying istiqhara about this?

    Your mistake was waiting for so long and basically wasting both your youth. I agree with someone that responded here, it would be much harder for your wife to find someone to marry now as she is older but then again, it may also be the same way for you. Allah knows best.

    May Allah make things easy for you.

    • Assalam Alaikum Wr Wb
      Brother, I think your wife truly loves you and all those words you have said to her must have broken her. She has been loyal to you and doesn't want to divorce you. Obviously no loving wife would like to share her husband but you have made it clear that you don't love her so she has left the decision with you, why would she force you to stay in marriage when you dont love her at all. I say, she has a big heart.
      She also wouldn't accept your second wife because the reason you have provided her is disrespectful to her. You marrying another lady clearly means that your current wife is not good enough. If let's say you had given a reason that you have a very high sex drive, you still love her so much but would like to marry another lady to fulfill your desires. She still won't have given you the permission but might not have told you that she would get a khula rightaway.
      I sympathize you but I really feel sad for her. She is not just your wife, she is a human being with feelings as well.

      Sorry for the rant, my suggestion would be to try working out on your relationship with a positive mindset and stop thinking about incompatibilities, just think about what she has sacrificed for you (her youth). You might start loving her your for that. You could Marry a second lady with a commitment to stay just with both. If she still wants a divorce, then let her go in that case.

  4. It does kind of seem like your living in a fantasy, your 51 years old who do you think is going to marry you except an older woman, who won't be ripping your clothes off in the bedroom it's not your wife's fault your doing haram things so don't blame her for your own actions, she doesn't prevent intimacy your just living on another planet thinking your going to find a young woman to fufil your lusts with and have children with at 51 while your wife of over two decades sits at home sexually unfulfilling because who cares right! Your marriage has lasted over two decades, if you actually change your mindset and try to make it work it probably would!!! At 51 years of age it would be difficult even for you to remarry, and it is highly unlikely a younger woman would even be interested in you, you have to be realistic about your situation, your intimacy with your wife won't be good if you have lost yourself to daydreams in finding a woman who will be all over you in the bedroom. I'd advise you to stop daydreaming and work on your marriage, if you go ahead and get divorced, it's likely you could even just be unmarried, marriage isn't perfect work on your issues.

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