He is a liar, insults my family and wants to marry me
Hi my dear sisters and brothers,
I´m a young girl who is just 18 and im going through alot in life i guess for my age...
I met my fiance 2 years ago and he liked me so did i, so we made it formal, he spoke to my parent and everyone liked this proposal in my family and even their family liked it!!! Everything was going on well until 4 or 5 months after this marriage was fixed...His behaviour changed.. i didn´t like it, he use to ignore my calls and not be nice to me at times.. then i had a doubt if he was talking to another girl, i informed my cousin about this and my cousin got me his detail bill, then i found out that there is another no repeated like mine, i checked who answered that call, it was a girl!!! somehow he got to know that i found out and he made it a big fuss, he infact told my mother that i must be having an affair wit my cousin in order to cover up his mistakes! Then he made me feel guilty because i checked his bill, and then he wanted to breakup with me but i didnt let him go because i loved him so much, after crying and begging alot he decided to be with me!! Then everything was fine he said he will do that again and he will never hurt me so i trusted him again and everything was fine...
After months, i found out about the other girl, she was a girl whom he had met at a seminar and they have exchanged no's but this girl was very nice, she had a boyfriend already i guess but she was just friends with him but there were sooo many messages each day than calls! I asked her if he had told her that he was going to get married to me, she said no, my guy has told her that he is single and does not have any girl!!!!! and this girl got a shock when i told her that he is going to get married to me!!! then she said im sorry sister i will never contact this guy ever again, u take care and stuff and she kept her word as she was a good girl!! but this other girl that is his ex was always a problem to us and now it has ruined our relationship...
I cried so much and asked him why he did this, until i showed proof to him, he always denied the fact that he was talking to these two girls!!!!
He told me that he was talking to his ex because he was feeling bad for what he has done to her and he was trying to console her and that she was in deep trouble by trying to go out with her best friends, boy friend and that guy has made use of her (this shows what kind of a girl she is)... he gave me all this reasons! BUT WHAT CAN I DO???? WHY IS HE RUINING MY LIFE AS WELL???? he kept saying sorry for everything but all i did was cry the whole time... HE HURT ME SO MUCH! I ended up telling my mother.. she told my father and still they said for me to decide and my guy kept saying sorry that he will stop talking to her... so i told my parent ill forgive him and they said ok just because they wanted me to be happy!
After few weeks again and again he got caught talking to his ex girl friend!!! and he always did not let me breakup with him when i wanted to, he kept saying he will not do this again and i kept giving him chances, until one day where i really got fedup...he kept talking, calling, meeting her once and again.
I GOT REALLY FEDUP.. JUST FEDUP OF HIM.. THOUGH I STILL LOVE HIM.. my parent got to know they were really mad too and this time my father sen me to another country, to my aunt... and even here he came for me birthday... he spend sooo much and just came for three days for my birthday and my parent said ok to him again after him talking to my parent... then after few days my sister called me and told me that her friends had seen my guy at a match with a girl and that they were together in his car too... i asked my sister to show his ex girl friends photo and ask her friend if it was this girl and her friend said yes it was this girl!!!! my parent got to know and they said no to him and when i send him a messaged and told him its over, he sent me a message it return using filth on my family, this my mother saw and got really hurt and she told my father as well.. now they hate him!!!
Please sisters help me, even while typing this draft i was crying because everything came into my mind and i just could not take it...
what do i do??? trust him and get back to him or i do not deserve this and need to move on?? what should i do??? check on him again???? go back to my home country where he is there and my family????
PLEASE HELP ME
May Allah bless you all!
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Salaam sister.
You need to move on from this guy. He does not deserve you. Sister you are not even married yet he is already talking to other girls, telling lies. If he had done it once before and made a mistake I would say give him another chance, but he hasn't changed despite all the chances you've given him. Do not let him blame you for what has happened. His behaviour has been completely wrong - he has cheated, lied to you, and wrongly accused you when caught out. Would you recommend such a man as a husband to another sister? Of course not. So know he is not good for you.
Its understandable that you are upset dear, but in time you will move on InshaAllah and you will heal. Ask Allah swt to help you through this. Keep busy and keep up with your fardh salat. Do not check on him, do not contacthim, change your details so he can't contact you. Let him be and let him has his fun if he wants.
My dear sister you deserve so much better than to be married to a guy who cannot remain faithful to you. So thank Allah swt that He showed you thisguys true colours before marriage and not after. Although it hurts now, this break up has InshaAllah saved you from a lifetime of misery. In time you will InshaAllah find a brother who will be truthful, pious and a good husband. Focus on your deen now and strengthening your relationship with Allah swt. Do tahajjud regularly if you can.
I pray that Allah eases your pain and gives you a good spouse at the best time!
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Dear Angel1, Asalaamualaykum,
You are young and innocent and I feel you need some sisterly and parental love, guidance and security - so I hope my words help you. An old brotherly friend said something to me years ago and I have always remembered it. He said to me: 'Whatever choices you make in your youth, or now, will pave the path for your future'. What he said was and still is true.
Allah is always showing us signs, some are warning signals like a fire telling us to stay away and some are guiding posts like beautiful stars shining in the dark night. Sometimes the night is misty or the rain falls, hiding the stars or dampening the fire from our sight - but the signs are always there.
Allah is clearly showing you that this man in not right for you. Any man that is marriage material will never make you feel threatened, he will never dishonour you, he will always lower his gaze, he will never be rude to you or your family no matter how angered he feels, he will not flirt with other women, he will not socialise with other women, or drive around with them under the guise of 'friendship'. A good Muslim man knows that there must be hijaab between man and woman and he will not attempt to cross this veil with a woman unless she is his wife.
I know you have feelings for this man, that is natural but once you allow youself to admit that his treatment towards you is not good, your feelings will cool down. It will be painful trying to resist those feelings for a while, but be patient and ask Allah to help you. Leave this man and listen to your parents on this one.
Try to start learning about your deen, about hijaab between non mahram men and women and you will begin to understand how wrong it is for you to be mixing with non mahram men in the first place. Read about the beautiful strong women in Islam and the relationships of the Prophet(sws) with his wives(as) and you will inshaAllah fall in love with the Prophet(sws) and you will want to be like the women of Islam.
Ramadan is nearing, use this time to connect with Allah. Go back home to your family and ask them to help you move away from this man, change your phone number and email address and ask him not to contact you anymore. It will be hard, but it will save you alot of agony in the future. I think it will be more pleasing to Allah than for you to continue to pursue and degrade yourself infront of such a man.
It is human nature to fall, but it is also Muslim nature to rise and learn from experiences and then come closer to Allah. So use this experience to rise closer to Allah and away from forgetting His(swt) limits. You have a good heart, so you deserve better.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Sister Angel1,
Sister Sara has given a very sympathetic and honest reply to you.
Sister Z has tried to tell you what you need to do in a more technical way.
What I see from this post is lack of Islam on your side, your family side and in the guy too.
These things of engagements, birthday coming over to different country for me, etc are not for us Muslims without marriage. These are ways of unIslamic societies who wander blindly and suffer the consequences of their actions and yet remain in their ignorance and disobedience to Allah.
May be as Sister Z said rightly, time to look at your Islam, prayers, modesty, time to learn about keeping the distance from "brothers" and "friends" from among males who are not mahram to you.
Man and woman may take no time to fall in love or lust or both for each other, but it takes time to recover out of the losses caused due to such unprofitable relationships between non Mahram. It affects a human's innocent psychology and is not good for dunya and aakhirah.
Allah says about this most beautifully in Surah Al A'raaf:
27. O Children of Adam! Let not Satan seduce you as he caused your (first) parents to go forth from the Garden and tore off from them their robe (of innocence) that be might manifest their shame to them. Lo! he seeth you, he and his tribe, from whence ye see him not. Lo! We have made the devils protecting friends for those who believe no .
Sister Sara's advice is very honest one, leave this guy who is of no good to his own soul, what good can be expected of him for you?
Work towards the good of your soul, come to Sister Z's advice after following Sister Sara.
Insha Allah, this way seems better for your healing and growing up as a Muslima.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Salaams Sister
You should leave this guy! Forget him and don't ever trust him again. You definetly do not deserve him, you should move on with your life. He has repeatedly lied and cheated on you. Is it even worth checking up on him again and again and again only to find out what you already know about him?
You are upset and angry. You also feel disappointed. The person who you loved and trustred betyrayed you over and over. You don't know how to deal with this. Talking about it will help you heal. Do you have a close friend whom you can confide in?
Remember this time is not forever. The storm would definetly pass.
My duas are with you
Rumaysa
Sister,
End all communication with this toad of a man. He is a player and does not deserve you, plain and simple. Stop phone calls, texts...anything.
After him behaving in the manner he has,he has the audacity to disrespect your parents when not once but several times over they allowed you to return to him??!!
Have respect not only for yourself but for your family. There are a zillion good muslim brothers out there who would love to have a women like you and are more deserving than this guy. The only thing this player can offer you is a lot of heart ache. Dump him and move on!
Salam
He's a loser forget him. If I were your brother I would beat him to a bloody pulp. Sister you deserve a TRUE Muslim man who fears ALLAH (swt) and follows the Holy AhlulBayt of our Holy Prophet Muhammad (SAAW). A true Mumin would keep his word. Forget him and move on !!!!! You deserve so much better.
Salaam Alaikum.
Asalamu'alaikum
I am sorry to hear what all happend with u
my since advice to u is that, don't marry this guy. Simply because in future he might ditch u again.
If he really loved you and respected your parents, he wouldn't fall into these sin.
What if for example in future, he continues to do same things or maybe worst, as u know 1 sin leads to another...from minor it starts getting into major sins.
He will ruin ur life day by day. Also remember that your parents agreed about this guy because they saw love in your eyes. Usually parents want their daughter to be happy. That is why they agreed.
Think about your parents atleast, what if this guy keeps hurting u and suddenly leave u in future (God Forbid) then u wil feel burden on ur parents. I am sorry to say like this, but sister this is the truth of life.
And your parents will not live forever, and when u have children with this guy in future and he doesnt get serious with u, thn it wil effect on him as well.
Think about yourself, save before its too late to regret
I know it is difficult, but as everybody else said, that these are the signs from Allah for u to stay away from this man. After marriage (especially love) everyone (guys) usualy change. They forget those promises made.
Now at the good side, you can get someone better who wil always respect u and ur family InshAllah.
You are too young and you have your whole beautiful life ahead.
If the guy really LOVED you, he wouldnt even say HELLO to his ex.
Dont die for such a guy, Allah (SWT) surely have some better plans for u
Stay away from him, dont turn around and look at him.
Because Allah made some men who are really good and better, they always show respect to u.
Some guys and some men are really bad. They torture women to death (SOME, not all)
Love exist only when two people listen to each other. He isn't listening to you at all.
And that to in such a sin.
You try to do same thing with him
He will surely leave you for that, because u are a girl. And remember always a girl is blamed usualy, not a guy.
At first he was blaming at u. Later u cant really trust on what he does.
I wish u the best sis, u have all kind of information
Do on what u like
bt also try performing Istikhara for ur best results
InshAllah May Allah bless u in every way and make ur path easier thn what u can ever think.
Also May He give you the Best
Sister your reply is so good.. It gave me strength as i am facing same problem.. May allah bless you with more
Sister you no the answer to your question,
may allah guide you on the right path inshallah
peace