Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband and I don’t love each other

Assalam alaikum warahmatullah wa barakatuh,

I hope you'll please see through my message because I really need your help please, im a lady ,im 20 years old, I got married to my cousin brother we are married for almost 3 years now since 2014 it wasn't a love marriage.

uptil date there has never any sexual contact with him because I don't love him I didn't allow him on me because I can't, I just can't and I don't know why too but I just can't since earlier a day after the marriage I told him, but he was telling me with time everything will change but nothing changed until now. I also told my parents since earlier the marriage but they showed me they want nothing but the marriage that I rather die than breaking the marriage. I cryed so much because I can't help it I prayed so much asking Allah to help me out and then I sit with my spouse and told him the truth that I just can't have sex with him, I can't and he told me its ok he can stay with me like that since our parents want only the marriage so he have no other option too.

my parents want the marriage because he's a good, religious and young man also he's rich so they where like "I will never find a better husband if not him" so now we're just staying as couples but without any sexual contact , I do every house chores as a wife suppose to do and he also attend to all my needs so our parents where thinking now everything is ok. But im really worried of my position to my creator please help me on what I should do I really want my god to be pleased with me and I can have sex with any man but just not my husband in shaa Allah I need your advice please. Please help me. Jazakallah

asma77kf


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12 Responses »

  1. OP: 20 years old..... got married to .... cousin brother...... married for almost 3 years now since 2014 it wasn't a love marriage.......there has never any sexual contact with him because I don't love him I didn't allow him on me because I can't, I just can't and I don't know why......... I can have sex with any man but just not my husband

    Why did you marry your cousin in the first place because you did not love him? Did you love any one else before marriage?

  2. assalaamu alaykum sis asma77kf

    SubHaanAllaah! Imagine the Temptations you're putting Both of you through. This is from Shaitaan! You need to work out Why you refuse to be intimate with your husband and perhaps see a counsellor together! This is completely Wrong. Don't you know Celibacy is Prohibited in Islaam, and what can I say about celibacy between a married Couple?! It's making a Mockery of marriage! Either you work this through and Consummate the marriage, or get a Divorce very Soon!

  3. sis asma,

    There may be a, so called, "Freudian slip" in your message. That could be a Clue, as to what is causing you to reject your husband sexually. Please forgive me for being blunt with you and rest assured I don't mean to offend you. Now you refer to your hubby as "Cousin BROTHER! That leads to the question; did you grow up together... like brother and sister perhaps? If so this could explain your aversion.
    Is it possible that, subconsciously, you see him as your Biological brother? Is there somewhere in you the feeling that having sex with him would be Incest?

    • Assalam alaykum w.Dear sister This is the time for you to ask for forgiveness from your spouse and also to ALLAH S.W. B 4 his anget fall on you.not only you are pushing ur husband to go out and fonicate .u will also do the same if possible .better change ,make up ur mind there is nothing here more than temption Allah Aalam.ABBA

  4. Assalam Alekum Sister,

    Both you and your husband deserve to live a happy and fruitful life. Your husband deserves a woman who can be a wife to him in every sense of the word and that includes, in the bedroom. You also deserve to be happy.

    With all due respect to your parents, it doesn't matter how religious or wealthy your husband is. It is unjust to both you and your husband to stay in your marriage given the circumstances. If you do not have an attraction to your husband, you can't force it. It simply isn't there.

    I would never tell anyone to end their marriage however, given your circumstances...I believe it is something both you and your husband should consider. Rather than worry about what your parents or others might think or say, I believe you and your husband need to think about what is in your best interest moving forward. Allah hu alem.

    Salam

  5. Salam Asma,

    You did not agree to this marriage and this marriage was forced on you. Agreeing to the marriage is a basic part of getting married. They cannot force you to marry whomever they think is best for you. I recommend you get a divorce. I don't think that Allah will hold you accountable for being forced into a marriage you never wanted.

    Knowing the situation your husband should divorce. There is no such thing as a forced marriage in Islam. You are the girl and you have the right to chose your husband. It is not just up to the wali to decide, you must consent as obviously, it's not the wali that's having relations with the guy, it's going to be you. And if you don't consent your wali can't say that it would be better that you die or this is the best you can get. Please ask for divorce yourself and file it yourself if you have to. Seek a women's shelter if you have to. I hope things work out for you.

  6. Salam

    I feel like your husband is a very good man. If you can, try to love him. You will not find a man who sits behind if you don't fulfill your duty in the bedroom. Unless your husband doesn't want too.

    let me give you an advice. live in separate for some time and see if you guys can live without having each other around.

    Allahu A'elem

  7. Ok, so continue.

    After u try using (small) carrots - since in the beginning, using his fingers is going to feel waaaay to dirty and embarrassing - next you progress to exploring your genitalia with your own fingers. I am NOT asking you to masturbate - you should not do that! - that is haram, no matter what anyone says - I am just asking you to lightly with your own finger or fingers explore the area where your urine comes out of, so you have an idea of your own body. You can use a small mirror to sit on and look at the bottom of your bottom if you like. It's your body, get used to it.

    Then, after feeling totally ashamed (and you will), and totally embarrassed, next you progress to asking you husband - who you really don't like - to use his small pinky finger, and then index finger, to explore your labia. You lie on the bed while he does this, using petroleum jelly if needed. You can buy that at any store.
    It will feel not at all nice and disgusting and disturbing and difficult. Recite dua for sex before doing this, and just keep your eyes closed and think of it as a medical exam and your husband as a medical doctor. You will be fine InShaa Allah.

    Next, after a few weeks of experimentating like this - yes, it could take weeks and that's totally fine, after all, you've lived like monks for three years, what's a few more weeks? - then u and he revise the dua for conjugal relations and put on some nice perfume and lie next to each other (you still with eyes closed probably), and then he tries to enter you and penetrate. It will take a few tries over a few weeks to get it right. Then your will InShaa Allah have sex and wash up and feel, hmmm, that's all there is to this? And it will feel like some ridiculous medical procedure that's totally useless. But that's fine. Nearly all couples feel that but don't say anything about it. As I said, it's a culturally taboo topic, and I'm sure this post won't even stay on this website if our good admin is too outraged by what I've written. But it's a necessary evil, to show to you that you, my sister, are not alone.

    Now, most people by now will be yelling at the top of their lungs that why shouldn't u just get divorced in a haram marriage that u aren't happy in. Most of these people haven't been married for 30 years like I have. MaShaa Allah. And I've had a happy marriage Alhamdulillah , barring a decade of no sex and two decades of intermittent sex. So learn from my experience and stay married to this nice decent understanding guy you have already, who is ready to sacrifice so much - and no sex is a sacrifice for a man, and one who both families are happy with. Nothing matters more than family. YOU are family, and when u r old, u will realize what I've said. Marriage is not about physical love - that's lust, and is usually found OUTSIDE of marriage. It's not about sensuality or money or kids or food (though some marriages are all about food lol ). It's about FINDING happiness. It's not about happiness. It's about looking for and FINDING it. That's why it's called a treasure. So u have to go
    LOOKING for this treasure, and that search can take you to a lot of dirty filthy unhygienic and unhappy places, but with someone patient, kind and understanding besides you, you already have the key to finding that treasure. And once you InShaa Allah will find that treasure, you will want to hold on to it for dear life and never let you. You're afraid now of sex with your husband because u don't "love" him. You'll be afraid after finding happiness, of losing him. Because you'll finally realize that you've loved him all your life. Otherwise you wouldn't have stayed with him in silence, "not loving him", for three years. Cleaning, cooking, baking (ok maybe not baking 😉 for a man you claim not to love. What is that, if not love?

    Child, you are a fool. Go and joy your life. LIVE.

    You are both naive fools, innocently doing no harm to anyone but yourselves.

    Your parents don't want this. They would never want this foolishness. Go see a doctor, and if there are no doctors, get out that tub of Vaseline jelly, and rub it all over your body. Get in the shower and feel the water on you. Then ask your husband to do the same. Feel his body, and let him feel yours. You will enjoy it, finally, one day.

    And trust me - when the baby comes, love comes again and again, LOUDLY SCREAMING at 2 in the morning.

    May Allah SWT help you both though this difficult time.

    • as salaamu alaykum Ayman,

      What a Heart warming and Sensible advice that is! You're Right; they should at least Try and fix the problem before getting a Divorce. May Allaah SWT, Who Hates divorce, Bless them for trying. aamiyn!

  8. And pls folks, spare me the hypocrisy about not watching dirty movies and me giving haram advice about sinning with the eyes and whatnot. If you've arrived here on the internet, I'm sure it hasn't been all a holy and clean experience for you. And you've all at least heard of hollywood (wow, like really? What is that?) and I'm sure at least one of you has heard of brad Pitt or whoever. So spare me the sin lecture.

    And also spare me the she should divorce she isn't happy she doesn't love him rubbish. Ask a senior family member- preferably someone's 60 year old parent -
    how much "love" they've encountered in their happy marriage. The poster is in a domestic situation that is comfortable, financially secure, surrounded by well-meaning and possibly good people, and not enduring domestic abuse, a husband with vices, brutal in-laws, poverty, poor physical health, a broken home, or any other trouble that is keeping her up at night except the fact that she hasn't had sex with her husband. Do we really want her to be thrown out into a world where she may have to cope with much more?

    Saying the word divorce is easy. Enduring it is difficult.

  9. And please Asma, stop saying the word BROTHER when you talk about your husband. He is not your cousin brother anymore, he is just your cousin and also now your husband.

    If you think you can love another man, ask your husband's permission to chat with "men" on any ONE relatively decent (kiddie) website on the internet. You will find out what men really are, and then you will understand that two in the bush is worth one in the hand - meaning what u have is worth far more than what you COULD have. Don't look at your Nikah as if it's breaking, consider it a done deal and deal with it.

    Before doing all the physical explorations, sit down with your husband and talk about a short vacation, just the two of you. If you can afford it, someplace you have to fly to, otherwise drive. NOT your country of origin, that's where you will just meet more family and that's not an vacation. Some place like a beach, a resort, or just a new place you've never been to and know no one there. Book a hotel, couple of nights at least, and plan a tour of a few sightseeing spots. Keep some spare money to shop a bit, not much, just for yourselves and maybe your parents. Find some places to eat, new restaurants, on vacation or at least in your town. Spend some alone time together, AWAY from family. This is really required to de-stress. If you can, book a spa treatment, like a massage or facial. Anyway you should give yourself facials or body treatments every now and then, even if you're young. Or just some new lipsticks, or new sexy clothes (just to wear for yourself), or sexy underwear - just for u to feel you have a desirable body and you're proud of it.

    These things matter. That's why there's a whole industry catering to it. Go for it!

    After the vacation, when u get to know each other a bit more than in the home environment, go to the doctor. It's time.

  10. Take counseling ....then u feel better yaar
    I will praying for you ....

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