Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Boyfriend married behind my back, keeps calling me.

Broken Heart 300x275 %photo

Hi,

I feel I am on a death bed right now, and my life has been stripped of meaning. I am a Sikh girl who is 33 years old, and had been in a 2 year relationship with a Westernised Pakistani from Australia. He promised me the world, said he would fight for me so we could get married, planned our wedding, and I was even looking into Islam and considered converting.

Last year March, he went to Pakistan for 1 month for his 'cousins wedding'. When he came back, we were still seeing each other, him spending nights at mine etc. (on and off relationship) We split up 1 month ago on the basis his family would not accept me due to religion. Only JUST found out it was HIM that got married and NOT his 'cousin', and his wife has finally got her VISA (after waiting 1 year), and moved in with him 1 month ago - when we split up! I found out from his best friend, and all I saw was anger. I feel to go to his house and tell his mum and wife what he has done, and how it has left me in pieces. I feel so betrayed, feel suicidal, and cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. He wasted my time, effort, put me through sooo much stress and hurt I cannot explain that started to affect my health.

He says he is the eldest in the family, therefore, has to be a good example for the rest of the family. He also says he was emotionally blackmailed by his family to have got this arranged marriage, (his mums last wish, she is ill etc) and realised when he got back it was the biggest mistake he did of his life. He does smoke and occasionally drinks, and also found out he was an ex drug addict. I feel our whole relationship was a lie, and feel like a fool. He tells everyone how much he loves and cares about me still, but I am refusing to speak to him, even though he keeps calling me still.

I would like to know why someone can be so cruel, would he really be happy with someone from back home, and what I can do to heal a broken heart and piece myself back together.

Any advise is appreciated

Jay


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16 Responses »

  1. Dear Jay,

    I am so sorry for this very difficult time you are going through. Being on the recieving end of betrayal is a painful hurtful feeling, so I am glad that you have written here for support. I hope that our words here will give you some comfort and alleviate some of your pain.

    You feel suicidal - but I hope you know this is a terrible thing to try. Your life is valuable and precious, it is a gift and you have so much to accomplish, so many people to help through your own experiences. As a follower of the Sikh faith, I do not know what your beliefs on suicide are, but I am sure that Sikhism like Islam, believes that life itself is a gift from God.

    This man is weak, he is a very weak, even bad Muslim and bad person for the way he treated you. You deserve better, you deserve to be loved by a real genuine man who will take positive steps to marry you without all the inbetween dating and physical relationships. You asked: 'Why can someone be so cruel?' My answer is this: that they do not have a sound heart and they are lost. Islam teaches us that anyone who wrongs another is actually damaging his own soul because he will be accountable and punishable for his bad deeds. The truth of the matter is is that as a Muslim, he should not have been dating you or any girl to start with. He lied to you and to his family and probably to his wife aswell. He has alot of soul searching and growing up to do.

    It is in your best interest to cut all contact with him. Change your phone number if you have to. It will do you no good to tell his wife, she is innocent in all this. I know you are paining and it will take time to heal, but eventually you will feel better. It hurts, I know, but you will get through this. My dear, try to busy yourself with family and friends and some spirituality and faith.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Assalamu alaykum Jay,

    Sister, I am sorry to hear yet another story of a Muslim brother doing that.

    Coming to your question. How can someone be so cruel?

    Well, people can be cruel, they can be anything. Be prepared. Trust God. We are told to trust Muslims, as we are brothers and sisters in faith. But even they break the trust. They act cruelly as well. We just cannot do anything about it except to pray to Allah to make them soft towards us and keep ourselves away from their company.

    Suicide?
    Why sister? For a fool you want to end this life Allah gave you? For a foolish, mannerless liar you want to end this life?
    No Sister. This is not fair. We are with you. Speak to us anytime, we are here 24x7x365 as long as Allah wills. Leave the company of the foolish.

    Life is to be lived, for God, who gave you life. You need to steady yourself up. Go wash your tears off. Get dreaased the best for yourself, look good, look confident sister. Spend time with yourself. Think about life. It's purpose. What you wish to do in life. Allow yourself to think freely. Break all the bondages which have kept you tied up in grief.

    If you remain patient, Insha Allah, with passing time you will be fine. Initial stages at such times may be too much pain giving. It is not a matter of a good Muslim or bad Muslim. It is simple human nature and he failed.

    Allah tells us in the Qur'an: The human soul enjoins only evil, except him on whom Allah has mercy.

    Sister, human soul is prone to desires. He may have met you, liked you, loved you and desired you. His passions were so much overpowering that he forgot he is a Muslim and that he has a family to answer to and that they would not accept you easily.

    And this happens with most lovers. They are so enthusiastic in dreaming their dreams, the world seems too beautiful and they reach such great heights that they feel they will remain aloft forever, but when reality strikes, they fall with a crash and love starts going backwards and becomes anger and hate.

    This is why Islam suggests intimate man-woman relations begin with marriage. Else the consequences are visible on different posts on this website. And the same is true for the world around us.

    Sister Jay, don't worry please. Okay? Don't worry. I know these times are tearful and you feel like, where should I hide myself. Or you feel like hitting your hands on the wall or kicking them or banging your head. You are reminded of the past and all moments and dreams you had together. But sister, this is life. This is the reality. People change. People pretend. It is a dirty world out there. We all need to safegaurd ourselves against its onslaught. We need to create a safe covering around us.

    Sister, human heart is prone to falling in love. Especially a woman's tender heart. Where she gets a little love, she is content with being in love with that person and gives all her emotions and efforts towards that person. Though some women also back of like this guy did. So it's both ways. But who suffers in the end sister? Our tender hearts.

    You are not alone in this ship. There are millions at this very moment in the world who must be having broken hearts. It goes on. World wide.

    Why this happens?

    Because people follow desires. They do not like a Higher Power to control their lives and they prefer to follow their desires and hence they go astray and end up ditched, denied.

    Sister, be brave, face the situation, I know my words seem to be just the usual words, but you have to, there is no other way. Cheer up yourself, be your own friend, read the Qur'an if you like. It has some very interesting and anti depressant narratives. You may get a boost from it.

    Sister, you said you were thinking about becoming a Muslim as well. So may be Allah has shown you a way by this break up. May be He wants that you become Muslim for Him, the Great God and not for a fool's sake.

    So utilize your free time in reading the Qur'an, if it interests you. And you can write to us here again with any thing you would feel like asking.

    Sister, all our words and advices would be summed up in a few words as: Be patient. Keep Sabr. This is the best medicine.

    This is a time when you may need emotional support from someone. But I suggest you, make yourself your own friend, your own support and do not let anyone else take advantage of the situation.

    This is a golden oppurtunity for you to become more strong, handle all grief yourself by being patient and praying to God. This is best sister, best for you.

    Stick to patience and prayer and talk to us. We are your brothers and sisters and we will do all we can to bring rays of hopes in your life.

    Don't worry. If you remain sad, we will also feel bad knowing that you are in grief due to a stupid person of our faith. Laugh, for us, be happy. We want to see you happy.

    Your brother,
    Munib.

    * * *
    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  3. As salamu alaykum, Sister,

    You have received excellent advice, but I would like to share with you the following.

    There is no way to scape to this suffering and to the tears, I was talking today to a friend, she was abandoned by her husband after 25 years of marriage, she said you cannot imagine how much I suffered and how much I cried, Alhamdulillah, she had cried, there is some people that doesn´t know how to react and they are not able to recover, you need to get out there and show yourself you are the one that recovers from struggles, with time, but you will recover and a way to help you to recover is to stop this man to contact you, forgive him, but remember the cold blood he had to lie to you all this time, he is still the same man.

    Make of him, past in your life and don´t remove it, forgive and let go, now it is time to think about all the dreams you have had during your life, you have time now to make them real, what do you like to do? whatever it is go for it, think about yourself as a project, what can you improve? what do you like the most from you? build up yourself, dream about the person you want to be and make it real, this way you want have any time for people like this man, you will work for real, insha´Allah.

    Forgive yourself and forgive him, this is an essential step to let go, ask God to help you and to guide you to heal your wounds.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. dear Sister

    I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. The advice given to you by the editors is great so I have nothing to add, except once I came across this when I was at the lowest point in life and it gave me hope.
    I pray it gives you hope and eases your pain:

    “God is with the broken-hearted. When your heart breaks, it’s a good thing – the breaking of the heart is what opens it up to the light of Allah. The dunya is designed to break your heart, to crush it.” ~ Shaykh Hamza Yusuf .

    Chin up sister...and look out for yourself.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

  5. As a therapist, I will say this- the feel good answer is forgive the person. But the truth is you need to forgive yourself- you loved someone and put your faith in them and they let you down. It is not wrong to believe and to want the best for you and that person - remind yourself of this each day and you will recognize that you did no wrong.

    As for forgiving the other person - it takes all kinds to make the world. As someone who has loved and lost, I will tell you that some people are good and others not so much. Once you have made that distinction you should keep away from the ones that cause you grief, negativity breeds negativity. So it is ok if you dont forgive- indifference can be a powerful tool to help yourself cope and grow stronger.

    It will be difficult and you will doubt yourself but focus on yourself, rebuild your life and keep this person away till you are strong enough to acknowledge that you have moved on. People prey on other's weakness- thats what your ex is trying to build on, he knows you still have feelings for him and is trying to win both ways. Someone who cannot see beyond themselves and uses circumstances and blame to condone their behaviour is an escapist and this is a clear indicator of how your future will be if you stay with him.
    Be strong girl- there are many good men and if you stand up for yourself they will respect you. Dont cave in cos it looks bleak now- we all fall and we all rise. You have done nothing wrong so walk away and give yourself to someone who is worth you and will love you as much as you love him.

  6. Wow, I am really amazed at all these responses and advise given. Thank u all, really deep words. I have only just seen these now. Well, I am not feeling suicidal no more. However, I had alot of anger built up in me and ended up venting out when I was drunk. I have done some damage to his car, which was £400, which I am not proud off, but gave me a temporally smile! I text him to say be expecting a visit from me some time soon, and I will be letting out his secrets to his wife and family, just so he gets paranoid. And that was the last and will not be intending to go to his wife etc.

    At present, I am drinking 2 - 3 glasses a night, and smoking weed, just so it numbs the pain. Its too much to bare and handle. I have been in tears every night, and I feel so hollow inside. However, I have started to read the Qu'ran.

    I need to find a way how to put closure on the situation, as it feels like I still cant let go. There is no contact between us any more as I have changed my number. But I cant stop crying still as the pain is immense. I feel his wife is the luckiest women alive to be married to him, and I feel so jealous.

    I cant seem to forgive him yet as it is all so raw. Thats another factor. I have tried and tried, but in my heart, what he done to me was disgustingly bad.

    I also fear this will affect in in future relationships too

    • As salamu alaykum sister Jay,

      Nice to know from you, Alhamdulillah. All that you are feeling is between the normal reactions, but it seems that you want already to make a change, Alhamdulillah.

      Please stop alcohol and drugs, you may think this is helping you now, but will drain all the good energies you have on you, this kind of subtances attract all the negative and evil they can meet around, you are on time.

      Better to feel pain and cry than numb yourself, if you don´t cry now your wounds won´t ever heal, you need to go through the suffering to heal the wounds and let him go, I understand that this may sound harsh, but believe me this is the only way, even when it may seem to you a neverending time, it will have an end.

      Ask Allah(swt) for guidance and help, Allah(swt) is Al-Ghaffar, Quran 20:82
      YUSUFALI: "But, without doubt, I am (also) He that forgives again and again, to those who repent, believe, and do right, who,- in fine, are ready to receive true guidance." He(swt) will guide you to Forgiveness, insha´Allah, don´t give it a time, be sure that it will happen and it will, insha´Allah.

      Pray your salat, sister, this will be the most important appointment you will have in all your life, it will build a path of Light in your Life that won´t let darkness get close to you easily, you need to grow in the Light.

      Go to a gymn and learn yoga or taichi, this will help you to heal and will mantain you far from negativity, eat healthy, you deserve to live and to have your own life, go for it. When you want to drink to numb, take a glass of water and say: Bismillah, when you want to smoke, say: Audhu billahi minash shaytani rajim and write or draw with colours, say Bismillah again. Begin the process of Healing, we will be here for you if you need us, insha´Allah.
      Please, anything you need, let us know.

      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • @Jay -

      How are you. Are you still reading the quran .

      ?

      __________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  7. Dear Jay
    Exactly the same thing happened to a very good friend of mine - she was with a Sikh guy and he promised her the moon - plans for kids, a beautiful home (they even went to garden centers to see what plants they wanted in their backyard!), he even planned their honeymoon in Goa where he always wanted to go, he planned how he would drive her across the country (they were in a long distance relationship) told all his cousins in US, Canada and UK about her and shared her pic with them...his mom had her pic in her home as her future daughter in law and then one day just 2 weeks before he promised to marry her (he was learning about Islam from her slowly but did not want to tell his family) he broke up by email - he did not even have the guts to call her and give her a reason - just a one liner that he could not go thru. She had not renewed her apartment and job contracts which were ending in 2 months. She cried and was tortured, but sought refuge in Quran and prayers and put her faith in Allah - got a new job, moved to a new city - is still hurting - but moving on with her full trust in Allah that He has a better man /plan for her life than that scumbag.
    So it is not the "muslim" guy who does this - it happens in all religions - so it is HUMANS who do this - not religions! As Br. Munib said, try reading the Quran - you may be pleasantly suprised as it may bring peace to your heart if you read it with an open mind - it is the same God for all of us - we just call Him by different names - we should focus on our similarities and not on our differences.
    May Allah bring you peace and comfort and emaan

  8. Hi,
    I realise you posted this a long time ago but I have to reply.

    I am in the same situation. Its a very long and complicated story but to try and shorten it I have been with my muslim boyfriend for 4 years and I love him more than anything in the world. But found out that after 2 years of being with him he's family sent him to Pakistan to get into a arranged marriage. She came back here a short time after there wedding to live and after aprox 2 years later he confessed to me that he got married and he also has a then 9 month old son with her. He claims they sleep in separate rooms where they live with his parents and are divorcing and she and his son are going back to Afghanistan and that he wants to be with me. It is harder to go through than anyone can imagine when you feel like you are the only one that has been betrayed on this level. I'd love to chat with you by email if possible as I too just feel I have lost everything just like you. There is so much more to my story as I'm sure there is yours too.
    To all the Muslims reading this, just because I am not muslim does not make me evil I love that my boyfriend is muslim however I hate that he's family never gave me the chance to show them I am a good person and I accept all religions I just can't understand why they are not accepting of a gentle person who would not hurt a fly such as myself.

    • @Anonymous -

      be careful. Allah knows best about that guy.
      that guy may be playing with you.

      ____________________
      &
      As you have been here

      I would like to tell you about Islam

      We Muslims worship Allah - the only one GOD who created you and me and all that exists.
      The GOD of Adam, Noah , Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Muhammed (peace be upon them) and all.

      Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

      “O mankind! Worship your Lord (Allaah), Who has created you and those before you so that you may become al-muttaqoon (the pious).” [al-Baqarah 2:21]

      why did Jesus(peace be upon him) the son of Mary (may Allah be pleased with her) came to this earth?
      Jesus came to teach people about ALLAH. He came to teach people to worship none but ALLAH alone without associating any partners with HIM.

      Allah says
      “And I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone)”
      {Quran 51:56}
      _________________

      Allah alone deserves to be worshiped.
      HE has no father, mother, brother, sister or son.
      HE is not like us.
      There is no one like HIM.

      Allah says,

      Say, "He is Allah , [who is] One,
      "Allah-us-Samad (The Self-Sufficient Master, Whom all creatures need, He neither eats nor drinks).
      He neither begets nor is born,
      "And there is none co-equal or comparable unto Him."

      (Quran 112: 1-4)
      __________________________

      what is the purpose of this life? just study, earn, marry, children and die or there is more to it?

      Do you know that this life is temporary?? and we will die and will be raised up again and there is going to be a day of judgement?

      Please Research about Islam. See how it makes sense inshaAllah.

      I want you to be saved from the hell fire and enter Heaven so I invite you to Islam.

      Here are some links for you where you can learn more about Islam inshaAllah
      -> quran(dot)com
      - > Invitation2Islaam(dot)wordpress(dot)com
      -> understand-islam(dot)net/site/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=151&Itemid=28

      replace above (dot) by . and paste and search in your address bar
      __________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

    • Hi dear sister...
      I am so sorry to hear about your situation as well. I hope the best for you in life. I actually also feel sorry for his wife, who has been used and blessed him with a son, and he wants to divorce her and wants to send them back to afganistan knowing that he has a son, and he sees that baby everyday. how can he do this to his wife and child. I piety them, it is harder for women with children to get re married. as I am in a situation looking for divorced ladies for my husband, to marry..and to support. and mostly they say that men don't want to keep their children. what can we do there is a saying, a man always love/wants to be with someone else wife, but wants only his children.

      I shame that man he hurt you and her, pray for yourself and see what is better for you and follow that.

      • That is a insault to say he's son is a blessing. I have been with him a lot longer than he has even known his wife. And she knows about me it is not her you should feel sorry for.

  9. It is really said to hear your situation Jay, I hope and pray that you find a way through this, may ALLAH almighty help you and guide you to the right path, and show him the right path as well. I hope you get what you want in your life.
    Anna

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