Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can my sister and I escape our father?

abuse violent physical beat

Assalam o alaikum!

I will be grateful if someone gives me the right advice, as I have no one with whom I can communicate my problem.

I am 19 years old.. I belong to an orthodox family. My father and all my siblings are not social. Our terms with our other family members are not good due to my father's behaviour. Furthermore all of them have same beliefs as my father has regarding religion so their help is useless - i.e of no help. My parents got separated when I was 7.  The accusations were that she had relations with other men and she did black magic. These were not true. I have to say this firmly.

Life went by. We were not allowed to have any contact with my mother. My father had been harsh and violent during these years. In recent 5 years we have been facing financial crises. My father got retired, also my father had got injured in a car accident 4 years back. Since then our situation has got worse and our house had suffered a great damage due to the construction of surrounding plazas. My father had been to jail for beating the neighbor because he had caused a huge damage to our house.

I am just going to narrate my problem now as past is past. My father has either lost his senses or he has firm belief in this, I don't know, but he is blaming house wreckage, financial crises, his own ill health on my elder sister claiming that she is doing black magic, moreover that she is a prostitute. She has got beaten every day, sometimes by hands, feet, can, axe.. Her situation is quite vulnerable.

I am blamed that I have known all about my sister yet I have not told them to him. I have kept secrets. I also got beaten because he wants me to admit which I cannot as this is not true. These accusations are shared by my grandmother as well because in addition of having a belief in this she has a grudge against my mother and my elder sister. I have an elder brother who has refused to help us. He is weak... I have asked him many times but his answer has always been ''I have left everything to Allah". I have asked him to get treatment for father's mental health but he can't as he will be outcast for considering his own father insane. I asked him to give us shelter but he refused.

My father even if he gets a minor cut he blames my sister. He follows many peers and babas, gets amulets and all sorts of things that these kinds of people do, he also changes them frequently, he considered himself to be the most pious person on this world. He claims that the accusations he put on us has been shown to him by Allah. With every passing day he is getting violent, savage like a beast.

He asked my sister to swear by holding Quran to admit all the accusations. She refused so he declared her as kaafir, now she has been given the ultimatum to admit all the accusations, leave her black magic, sell the house for an amount which is well beyond reason (seeing its condition), get herself married, gives the names of boyfriends of my mother and herself as well, get him renowned that he was a great father that he raised us well and had given us all the wealth and if not then he will send her to peer where she has to serve her whole life (in other words he will sell her). He will take out her eyes and ears. He will disable her so that she will suffer for her entire life.

Now what can I do? Should I contact my mom to take us? There is every chance that she cannot as she is a weak woman, financially weak, she could not step up for herself then how can she for her DAUGHTERS, on the other hand if she did somehow miraculously do so, my father could report to police that we have run away with guys and all other sort of things, what should I do?


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5 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    From what you've described, you and your sister (and any other siblings you may have who are at home) need to get away from your father as soon as you can. It doesn't matter what is motivating him - that can be sorted out another day - but what matters is your safety.

    If you live in a country where it is safe to do so (that is, one where going to the authorities will not lead to you being automatically sent back to your father or being harmed by the authorities themselves), then you may wish to go directly to the police or to a hospital. You and your sister could go together, explain the situation, and ask them for help. InshaAllah, they could then use their legal powers and resources to protect you both.

    It's worth contacting your mother to see if she can help. Even if her financial situation is not good, I'd hope that she would help you, either by arranging for you to move to be with her, or by helping with getting away from your father.

    If not, you should be able to access women's shelters in your area, which can inshaAllah help you get away from the immediate danger and potentially move away if need be. There are several international projects that help people exercise their right under the UN Human Rights laws to "internal relocation" (this is where you are helped to move away from the person threatening to hurt you, to another part of the country where you could live safely).

    As a last resort, you can always go to an embassy (eg. UK, US) and ask for protection - there's a risk that they may not be able to help, but if the alternative is doing nothing, it's worth trying. There are some systems in place where embassies can provide temporary refuge, or arrange refugee status if no other options exist.

    Whichever route you choose, try to make sure you have as much evidence as possible about what he's saying and doing. Photograph injuries, keep records of what has been said and done (eg in a diary), even secretly record his threats if you can. The more evidence you have of the risks you face from him, the more likely it is that someone in authority will be able to help. Remember, though, to keep any such evidence very secret and in a place he cannot find it (eg if he is not technologically minded, keep it on an encrypted or password-locked device like a smart-phone), and do not place yourselves at risk of further harm. It's better to get out with what you can, rather than staying longer than you need to and putting yourselves at more risk.

    Midnightmoon editor

  2. Seems like your father is a mentally ill and very insecure person. Your father considers himself to be the most pious person in this world and accuses his daughter and wife of having illegal sex with men and doing black magic.

    You should contact your mother and ask if she can help you move to a safe place.

    Get away before he gives you and/or your sister to a pir.

  3. My beloved sister in Islam .... My heart aches for you and your sister as I read you post. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. Know that Allah will inshallah protect you guys especially because this is injustice at its highest. All the false claims that could destroy you and your sister's image and reputation isn't something to be taken lightly in Islam.

    So if you live in the U.K or U.S please follow midnightmoon's advice. If not, then in all honesty I would go live with your mother if I were you. Even if you go days with out eating with her it's a million times better than the torture you live in now. You can even help out by finding a job and try to support you self. If that's not possible, do you have other relatives you can relay on,even if it's for a short period of time?Also don't worry about him accusing you guys of running with guys,,..Let him say it, I'm sure it won't be something out of the ordinary.

    To be completely honest , if it was me I would leave, even if I have to beg in the street, because now it's a matter of protecting one's self. You have to save your self and your sister, I fear for her especially after this ultimatum he gave her.

    Best of luck to you sister, I will keep you in my Duaa. Please don't despire and loose hope in this life because of your predicament. Know that this is a test and allah wouldn't have put you through this if you couldnt handle it. Plus when it's all over inshallah , you will be a very strong woman because of this experience.

  4. where do you live? I'm only asking because you need to find proper help with the authorities. I am assuming you are not living in any western country?

    • I agree with Sabah - it's really important you tell us where you are based so we can tell you about services that can help.

      If your in the UK - book an emergency appointment with your gp asap for you and your sister and tell him/her in confidence what has been happening. They can direct you to appropriate services.

      Your dad doesn't seem to be mentally stable and I'm really concerned for your safety, and especially your sisters. Please if you can, go and stay at a relatives/friends or your mothers house - your not safe with your father.

      If your in the UK here is a number you can ring for further advice and support.

      If you have nowhere to go there are shelters available where you can stay.

      In the mean time I would advise you secretly keep a bag with all your important documents eg passport, money etc which you can quickly take with you if your ever in a situation where you need to make a quick escape. If your father is becoming violent please stay away from areas of the house that may contain potential weapons eg the kitchen. If you can trust a neighbour make them aware of your situation and for them to call the police if things get out of hand. Obviously if your in immediate danger call the police directly.

      It's difficult to understand what your dads situation is or his mental state. He may genuinely need help and is behaving the way he is due to an underlying mental health problem. But currently the main thing is to get you and your sister safe and then take things from there.

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